It was a cold damp night in "Big D".. Eddie B. sat quietly in his den reading the latest issue of Motortrend (uh huh yeah right Ed) when suddenly and without warning the Puck Alarm went off. Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!
Eddie B. knew that alarm meant trouble was brewing somewhere with one of his adversaries. He hopped out of his Barkolounger and rushed to the Goalie Cave. He pushed the puck shaped button that opened the secrect passage to the goalie cave then slid down the goal pipe (OUCH! That has to hurt!) and rushed to his super hero wardrobe. He donned his green and gold goalie suit, his cape covered in stars and transformed into......SUPER GOALIE.
Super Goalie! Able to leap small defencemen in a single bound. Able to stop a puck with pin point accuracy. Able to bring his opponents to their knees. His x-ray vision able to peer through any screen. His Super Goalie equipment transforming into all kinds of neat little toys. He was not human anymore! He was Super Goalie!
That said........he hopped in his Viper (hey if you had one, wouldn't you?) and sped off into the distance leaving a stream of Texas State Troopers choking on his dust. He headed north and followed the signal on his Villainous Crimes Detector. A few rest stops and meals later he found himself in Maple Leaf Country.
It didn't take our fearless hero long to spot the problem. He pulled to a stop in front of the outdoor skating pond. There he saw his arch rival and all around BAD GUY Patty "The Stinkyman" Wah. His keen Super Goalie senses detected very quickly that Patty had his goalie stick in one hand and the Stanley Cup, the prize most sought by all who love and play the game of hockey in his other hand. His x-ray vision also detected that Patty wore no underwear, but that is another short story.
"Hey Patty! What gives?" exclaimed our super hero.
"Step back Super Goalie! Or I shall be forced to whack the Cup with my incredible goalie stick!" Stinky barked.
"C'mon Patty! Don't you know you should never whack in public. Gives the rest of us a bad name. Now hand over the Cup or I will be forced to use my Super Goalie powers on you!" S.G. retorted.
"Never!" Stinky shouted. " I can never beat you in the Western Conference Finals so I am just going to take the Cup and make it my own, permanently! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"Give it up!" chimed the super hero. "Everyone knows you can never beat me!"
"Ah ha ha! We shall see about that!" Patty replied snidley. "Just try and stop me!"
"OK I will!" S.G. chuckled.
"You will never stop me, for I am the greatest goalie in the world!" Wah taunted.
Super Goalie used all of his strength to keep his eyes from rolling back in his head upon hearing the remarks of the obvious madman.
"Well Patty, we shall just have to see who is the best (again he mumbled under his breath)) Sounds like a challenge to me. Remember the LAST challenge Patty. Did'n't turn out so great eh? Well for you anyway." S.G. chuckled.
"Oh shut up you..................GRRRRRRRRRRR!" Patty became more angry as the conversation went on.
"OK Patty, I'll take you on one more time. But first let me get my trusty stick, eh?
"Get whatever you like!" Patty replied. "It will do you no good this time" he chanted.
Our super hero skated over to his Viper and took out two blue Sharpie felt tips. He firmly attached them to his skates grabbed his goalie stick and headed back to where the over confident Wah was waiting.
"Ok Patty just one more second and I will take you on. Let me warm up first" S.G. said.
"Warm up all you wish Super Goalie! I will not be beaten!"
The arrogant netminder stood and watched as Super Goalie skated in circles around him starting in close and working his way out. He skated until he had skated a radius leaving blue Sharpie lines as he went.round and round the unsuspecting Wah. A crowd began to gather to watch the spectacle as the famous Super Goalie circled and circled until there was a 6 foot radius of blue lines. They began chanting Ed-die's Better. Ed-die's better. This infuriated Wah and he began screaming at them to shut up. They just became more enthused and louder. Ed-die's Better! Ed-die's Better!.
Super Goalie came to a stop at last and said "There Patty. All warmed up! You ready now?"
As the snippity Wah began to answer his eye caught sight of the circles of blue lines surrounding him.
"Hey! That is not fair Super Goalie! You know I cannot step on blue lines. That many could...could ruin my luck for a lifetime!" Wah's lower lip began to tremble and tears filled his eyes. He looked like he had been run over with a truck (and many of us wish he had).
"Oh c'mon Patty! Let's have some fun!" Super Goalie said with a smile.
He then opened up his Official BAP Super Communicator and put out a call. " Hey Mike, Brett, Joe, I got a game going up here in Toronto. Hop in your cars and get your butts up here and take some shots on Patty. He REALLY needs the practice!"
In the blink of an eye Mike, Joe and Brett skated up to our hero. "Hi'ya Super Goalie! where's the game?" they all chimed. Super Goalie turned and smiled his sheepish grin and pointed at the trapped Wah and the net that now stood securely behind him. "Games over there." he said.
"Cool! I could use some practice shots!" Mike said with a smile.
"Me too!" Brett said with a grin.
"Me three!" Joe said with a chuckle.
They began crcling the already distraught and trapped Wah. Then BAM! Right between the posts! Then another and another, and again and again until the net was stacked full of pucks! The guys decided to take just one more shot each before calling it a game and heading for the pub.
Mike shot first, a wrister that caught Wah square in the mouth and stuck there. "There that ought to shut him up for a while" Mike said with a gleam in his eye.
Then Joe smashed a perfect one-timer right in the breadbasket.
There that ought to hold him there for a while" Joe said with a smile.
Then Brett stepped up to the puck. With all his might he hit the hardest slapshot of his life. It hit Wah right in the five hole. He doubled in pain that only a goalie with no padding (and no underwear) could feel when hit with a rubber disk at 105 mph. With a devilish grin Brett said "There that should keep him from reproducing!".
"Good shot Brett!" Super Goalie said with a grin.
"Thanks man!" Brett said still grinning from ear to ear. "I thought I should have had more on it."
Super Goalie skated over to Wah and took the Stanley Cup from the agonizing super-villain. Super Goalie said: "Hey Patty, I sure bet that last one stung. Goes to show you should never face a Hull slapshot without a cup. This one doesn't count!" he said as he skated off to join his teammates, Lord Stanleys treasure in hand. Wah still writhing in agony from the Hull slapshot slumped to the ice. He watched his dream skate away with the four Dallas Stars. He cried to himself in a high soprano voice "Curses Super Goalie! I will be back! I will get you next time!"
The four teammates all laughed as they skated away. But Super Goalie in his "sensitive self" mode heard the pitiful cries from his fallen adversary. He told his friends he would catch up to them handed them the Cup and skated back to Wah. He extended his hand and said "Here, let me help you up Patty. You know I don't understand why you have to be so bad but I just can't leave a fellow netminder like this. " Super Goalie reached into his left goal pad and pulled out a toothbrush and some paint thinner. "Here ya go Patty you can get past the lines with the help of these. Maybe you will be out in time for next years Western Conference slaying...um er I mean Finals. " Then in the blink of an eye, Super Goalie turned and skated away from Wah. Wah slumped to the ice and began the tedious task of scrubbing his way out of the blue line lair laid down by Super Goalie.
Super Goalie, once again had saved the day!!!!!
The moral of the story Don't try and take a Cup without it being earned and ALWAYS wear a cup when you are facing a Hull slapshot.
The End
For now.
