| "Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive; look, experience, examine and for once just once, understand." -Sarah Ohotto |
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| "When I cut myself, I feel so much better. All the little things that might have been annying me suddenly seem so trivial, because I'm concentrating on the pain. -Richey Edwards |
| I'm not exactly sure WHY I'm putting this page up...at first it was to inform people about self-injury, and maybe it still will be, but I guess it was also about my thoughts on self injury as well...... |
| When I started scratching at my hands and arms back in ninth grade I didn't know what I was doing had a name. I had never heard of "self injuring" or "self mutilation" and cutting was definitely not what I was doing. Even now I don't remember exactly how I found out what I was doing was self injury either. The transition from middle school to high school was a rough one for me and the little ups and downs that begin happening in high school added to this stress. I felt the insecurities of not being "pretty" or "popular"; a guy in my Algebra class (of ALL places) didn't want me the way I wanted him; my being shy affecting my classes...I had this thing about not crying - I felt it made me weak and a wimp so instead of crying I took it out on myself. One time, I justified it saying it made me focus on the physical pain instead of the emotional pain I was going through. In the privacy of my room I would rip and tear into the skin on the top of my hands and my inner forearms. I never showed them to anyone and the cuts on my hands healed quickly. The only person that saw anything was my mother one day who noticed my hands and thought they were and irritation or rash due to lotion or something like that. She wasn't close enough to realize they were scabs formng. |
| I'm now a Senior in high school and have been self-injuring for 4 years now. Three of my closest friends do also, another close friend knows and gets angry with me about it, and my best friend knows but doesn't understand. It's not really a big deal anymore. I try to explain to people who don't do it why I do. In a way it's kind of like why some people are anorexic or bulemic - having control over something. There are times when I feel so lost, so confused, that hurting myself and feeling pain is the only way to get back to reality. Most of the time, I do it during times when I'm pissed or extremely upset. It's more spontaneous than anything else. I hurt so bad that the only thing I can think of doing is causing pain. Some people break things, or yell and scream, or go for a run (which I've tried, and I even run track at school, but it doesn't do the same thing) but none of these work for me. Hurting myself is instant relief. I'm also proud of my scars. (Which actually aren't that many. Some of the lighter ones are hardly noticeable). Afterwards, when I'm calmer and by myself, I'll pull up my sleeve and run my fingers down the red lines. Call me a freak, but I don't know how to explain it. And I don't think I'll ever stop either. This is my addiction; this is how I deal. |