| Not Falling Victim |
| Gage, what are you doing? The reflection offered no answer. I pushed myself away from the mirror and left the bathroom going into the living room. I sat down on the couch and leaned forward cradling my head in my hands. I had nothing and I knew it. I had always known it. You need help! a voice shouted in my head. "No I don't!" I answered out loud. I shook my head furiously and stood up to get some water. The phone rang on the way to the kitchen but I let it ring. Probably another company calling to ask for their bill. "Well I don't have it!" I yelled at the phone. I reached in the refrigerator for the water bottle on the top shelf and then went for a glass. Within me another voice piped up. Do it. You can and you know you want to, have to. You've got suicide written all ver you. There's nothing left here in, what you would prefer to call, your life. You're alone. Renny left you, Chrisi, Renae - all the rest of them can't help, don't want to help you. You have no money, you lose yourself in booze every night. DO IT! My hand shook as I slowly began listening to the voice. It was so calm, so soothing, What it was saying made sense. I have no one, no money, no self-esteem, no place here. It would be so easy... Yes it would. You have the means, you could do it. The knives in your kitchen, the sleeping pills in your bathroom cabinet. No one will know. If they found out the won't care - you'll be dead anyway. You have nothing, why live? The first voice spoke up, louder and more determined than the other. Why live? WHY live? To live, that's why. Think of all the people who will be hurt, sad...think of your family! Your friends! Imagine spending the rest of your life in a box, imagine not livig out your life, not finding love....think! No, the other voice interrupted, you have no one now. They don't care, get it over with. End your suffering. Do it now! "No!" The glass flew acrosst her oom, hitting the wall and smashing in to a thousand pieces. I bent over and grabbed the edge of the counter tightly, crying. Why did this all have to happen to me? Suddenly, the drawer beside me was open and my hand was around a knife handle, holding it so tightly my knuckles were white. I fought with the voices in my hjead, me screaming at them, them screaming at me. Finally one won out. "Shut up." I whispered. Everything was silent, the vocies stopped. Maybe I was crazy to be talking back to them but at the moment I didn't care. I only knew that I wasn't about to die. "I have something. My strength. I'm not going to die, by my hand or anyone else's. I am not going to be a vitctim of suicide, but a VICTOR! I know, nowm that I need help and I'm going to get it. My friend's love me, my parents- I love myself and I WON'T DO IT!" Letting go of the knife, I pushed myself away from the counter and stood up with a new felling, a new sense of life flowing through me. I needed help and I was about to get it. I got my coat out of the hall closet and grab my keys. On the way out the voices are silent. July 25, 2000 |
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