"No."
"Why?"
Because I'm scared. "I'm afraid"
"Of what?"
"I don't know." Everything.
She sighed and he felt his heart wrench. He knew she was getting frustrated and he hated himself for it. For making her feel that way, for not being normal.
Squeaking. She was sitting on the bed. He had his back to her so he couldn't see the tears forming in her eyes or the way her lip trembled when she spoke. "Daniel, we've gotta talk."
Fuck. "All right."
"I...I don't think I can deal with this anymore." Silence. "I mean - I don't think we should go out anymore."
NO! It was forced and he could tell. "I don't want to. I can't - I can't be alone." He swallowed back his own tears and repeated, "I don't want to."
Squeak. She got off the bed and stood over him. "It's not a question of whether or not you want to. We have to. You're alone most of the time now Daniel. Us not being together won't change that."
He swallowed again and said softly, "I need you." Then a little louder, "I love you."
"You don't love me," she replied. "You're in love with the idea of being in love. You were so desperate to be close to someone that you latched on to the first person you saw and hung on. Now you've got to let go. We both do. Before we drown each other."
His body began to shake and he held back more tears. "You don't understand. I can't be alone, not again. I've been alone all my life, wanting someone. Then you came and I felt whole, like something that had been missing was now put in its place. You can't leave me." Do not cry, do not cry... A tear escaped. Fuck!
Behind him, she cried into her hand then angrily wiped her face. "I'm sorry. I have tried so hard, to find a way to make this work, to help you and it's not working."
"Then try harder!" He sat up an spun around on the bed. He was crying openly and hated himself for being so weak, but he couldn't stop them. He looked at her, breathing hard with pain registering on his face and saw the anger flash in her eyes.
"I - have - tried! God knows I've tried enough. It's not working!"
"It has to work! We'll make it work." He got up and stood before her. "You can't just give up!"
"I'm not giving up!" She reached behind him for her jacket. "I'm saving both of us."
"Please don't...don't leave me..." He wrapped his arms around his thin frail body as he began to shiver. "I promise I'll try..."
She looked at him and studied him for a moment. Noting the way his hair fell in his eyes, the way his lower lip was trembling slightly and the tears on his cheeks.
"I'm sorry." A quick kiss to his cheek and an 'I love you' in his ear and she was gone.
And he was left alone, hugging himself tightly while the tears slowly stopped coming. He should go after - wanted to go after her but to do that meant leaving the house and he couldn't do that. Not yet at least.
So he turned of the lamp and crawled back on the bed, under the covers, and closed his eyes, alone again.
August 19, 2000
