Residents Fail To Grasp They Didn't Win World Series

-CHICAGO-

Dominic Lioli repeatedly screamed "Woooo!!! Go White Sox!" in the city's Merchandise Mart, annoying passers by and showing a growing trend in Southsiders who believe they somehow had something to do with the team winning the World Series.

After the White Sox's sweep of the Houston Astros, jubilation poured from Hammond, Ind. through Chicago Heights and up into the downtown area, conspicuously stopping at Madison Avenue, the border shared with rival Northside Cubs fans.

Unfortunately, the working class neighborhood believed a little too much that their cheering-on and well-wishes had everything to do with the Sox's bringing home the trophy.

"Perhaps we shouldn't have emphasized that our fans are the real champions for paying our salaries and supporting us and so on and so on...well, you get the point. All that stuff you say into the mic at 'Fan Appreciation' days twice a year. They started taking it too seriously..." said utility infielder Pablo Ozuna.

Ozuna's observation has turned into a bothersome reality for several of the players, who are annoyingly being asked for favors or are treated overly friendly by complete strangers.

"There was some jerk from Cicero who kept trying to buy me drinks at a club when he saw me there. Then when I got up to leave, he asks me if I can bring the trophy over to his apartment to show his friends when it's my turn to house it," said closer Billy Jenks.

Most haunting is the fact that many believe that the World Series win for the town somehow improves their drab existences. All walks of working class life, from butchers to industrial refrigerator repairmen to customer service representatives, are using the giddy high of being associated with a winner as a momentary boost for morale.

Fortunately, the effect is starting to wear off, leading to residents resuming their ordinary drudgery and reflecting upon bad life decisions made during the momentary gasp of unnecessary uber-enthusiasm.

"Oh my gosh...I can't believe that I went home with that guy at the Billy Goat's Tavern. I went there to rub it in on my Northside friends during Game 4 on their own turf. Then the Sox won and Steve Perry came out and sang "Don't Stop Believin'" with team members and it was just so emotional...I just had to share it with someone," said nail stylist Julie Dimbinski. "God, I don't even remember his name," she winced.

Dimbinski has led a life full of unwarranted and over-enthusiastic responses that have used her for profit and/or lifestyle publicity, including middle school magazine and candy bar drives, high school pep rallies, sorority pledging, and most recently, an Amway pyramid scheme.

Ever quick to capitalize on the situation, Army recruiters are being sent of in a fresh wave to the Second City to exploit the atmosphere of "team-building" sentimentality.

"We usually have low recruitment in such a large and heavily Democratic city," said Staff Sargeant Eric Hoopes, of the local Downer's Grove Army recruitment office, "but now we send out some recruiters in uniform, talking about the Sox, and starting off by saying 'Only in America...' You'd be surprised how much more receptive people are to our shpiel," he said.

Japanese Tourists Have Entire Leisure Life Documented On Film

-KYOTO-

Local Kyoto industrialist Honda Fujimori, along with his wife, Ayame, have meticulously archived their family's entire leisure life with an impressive cache of photographs and homemade video cassette tapes, according to friends.

"Their leisure documentation is the envy of everyone who has been privileged to lay eyes upon it," stated neighbor Nataga Masahiko.

In fact, the collection has become so voluminous that an entire dresser in the family's guest bedroom has filled with shoeboxes stuffed with photo sleeves.

From vacations in Hawaii, Bali and Nagano for the 1998 Winter Olympics, to the simple company picnic in the park, the Fujimori's have not skimped on capturing memories, no matter how seemingly irrelevant.

"Oh! Here's a picture of little Shuji-chen at his first Yomiuri Giants game! He's holding his souvenir bat and flashing a peace sign into the camera! They grow up so fast, you know..." said Ayame Fujimori.

Mixed in with these special days are such third-tier events as daughter Akiko placing third in her school's quarterly abacus contest, and the 2001 Orix Company golf outing that was rained out and featured Honda sitting beneath a canopy, nursing a glass of sake and talking to business associates.