Woman Applies For Job While Shopping

-MANTUA OH-

Janie Strausser, 20, applied for a clerk position at her local Marc's while shopping for contact lens solution.

Marc's, a well-known wholesale grocery store in Northeastern Ohio, sells goods at a discounted price compared to that of a normal supermarket. The store is also known for its random displays of odds-and-ends, including discounted golf clubs.

"I just lost my job at Williams-Sonoma, and frankly I'm just looking for any job right now. The easier to leave, the better, because I'm going on a trip in January. So I'm just looking for something to fill the holiday season so I can get some Christmas money," stated Strausser.

Strausser went to the customer service desk and asked for an application with contact lens solution in hand. After filling out and submitting the application, she contemplated paying for her goods, as the counter accepts purchases of less than five items.

Summarizing, Strausser said, "I chose to move to another line rather than pay for my stuff to the same person I just gave an application. It seems tacky to do that. So I just went to another line. The express line was crammed, and then I found out it was cash only. So I had to wait in a regular line. At least I didn't look silly, as I would've paying at the customer service desk."

Dairy Product Considered Sacrilege

-ODOACER VT-

Local cheese maker Troy Falanga has come under scrutiny for a particular product that he sells at his country general store on State Road 23.

The product in question with some local residents is an 8-inch molded cheese log shaped in the image of the Christian Messiah, Jesus Christ. The product, named "Cheesus," retails for $4.50.

Local resident Dolores Stanway was up in arms about the subject.

"Is there anything sacred anymore? Jesus on a cheese log? What is this world coming to? If our country was Islamic and the cheese log had Mohammed on it, that Troy would be dead right now. Enjoy your freedoms while you have them Troy," she quoted.

In defense, Falanga explained his decision to keep on selling the product despite mild protest.

"I put alot of work into making that mold. I carved out a wooden likeness of Jesus, put it in a pail lined with plaster, then poured the metal for the cast myself at my blacksmith shop out back. Besides, it's not like I depicted him (Jesus) on a crucifix, he's just standing there waving."

Falanga will still sell "Cheesus," as he believes the controversy will blow over like past ones. Previously, Falanga was criticized for having "Vote for Howard Dean" tobacco-use-only bongs for sale several months ago.

Total Poser Violates Weight Room Music Bi-Laws

-NEWBERG OR-

Last Saturday morning's weight room session left several students puzzled at George Fox University.

According to sources, admissions assistant Corey Blanchard decided to go to the weight room early on Saturday morning, an uncrowded time where virtually every machine is free for use without wait.

Freshman Lisa Torres commented, "At least that's the story that he told us...I think he actually went there so he could have first dibs on the CD/radio player."

Blanchard opened his gym bag to retrieve a towel, but also retrieved a copy of Dashboard Confessional's The Swiss Army Romance, which he inserted into the player nonchalantly before he commenced exercising.

Junior Brian Klink expressed his disgust afterward, "Dude...that guy totally ruined the weight room experience for about an hour. There is a silent trust between weight room users when it comes to music. You're supposed to play something hard or driving to keep the adrenaline up. We're not picky...Linkin Park, Metallica, DMX...just not that whiny baby, piss-your-pants crap he had."

Amid tricep freeweight lifts, Blanchard softly hummed along to "Screaming Infidelities," much to the regret of other nearby patrons. Although he thought of pulling out a copy of The Weakerthans Left and Leaving to follow, he noticed a dirty look from a guy using the incline press. Blanchard was said to have packed his things shortly thereafter and left.