Prison's Open House Crowd Nonexistent

-LARRYWAUG MA-

Prisoners found themselves mingling with other prisoners at a state-sponsored open house of the Skunchbank Corrective Facility this past Saturday.

Sadly, no nearby community members showed up for free refreshment and entertainment at the event politically designed to bridge the understanding gap between civilians and convicts.

Convict Willard Spoon lamented, "It's a shame none of the community came. They missed some great punch, along with the chance to hear our side. You know, a different perspective. They also missed a damn good talent show. Scrug-N (fellow convict Cozumel Scruggins) tore up."

The brief but jam-packed talent show featured Scruggins' free-form mastery of several Busta Rhymes cover songs, along with a three man Stomp percussion line and an improptu strongman display from Octavio 'El Grande' Villacasa.

"He (Villacasa) bent a folding chair into a mangled heap with his bare hands," quoted attorney Barry Swanson, the sole outside community member present. Swanson was not aware of the open house, but was visiting client Odell Simpkins about appeals pending a drug charge.

State Senator Lowell Girdby (Ind.-North Adams), a staunch supporter of the event, was disheartened but vowed to keep the event planned for next year. He quoted,

"I am saddened with the societal stigma that prisoners are second-class citizens. They are people, too; fully-employable and looking to succeed like any other person. Undaunted, this event will occur again next year. Better promotion will no doubt be used on the outside. I also plan on suggesting an expanded talent show and a potential job fair table as an idea to the warden."

Local Man Has Completely Un-Newsworthy Day

-SKITTLES NC-

Don Pember, a self-employed HVAC repairman, had a completely un-newsworthy Friday. After waking, grooming and eating, Pember went to work, where he fixed two furnaces.

He then returned home to his wife, Lisa, who made beef stroganoff for the both of them. The two reportedly ate in front of the television while watching the George Lopez Show™, and shortly after played a quick pick-up game of UNO®.

Bus Ticket Drama Scene Never Unfolds

-RIVERSIDE CA-

Shonda Wheatley, a clerk at the local Greyhound Station, cut short a patron's attempt to turn her bus ticket-buying experience into a predictable drama scene.

According to eyewitness account, the customer, Mary Shorey, was trying to unload her emotional situation on a stranger through the guise of the hackneyed "one-way ticket" drama scene. Wheatley saw it coming and promptly printed out Shorey's ticket, handed it to her, then quickly excused herself for her "lunch break" before Shorey could finish.

Commenting, Wheatley said, "Whew...I am glad I got out of there. I printed her ticket as fast as possible and claimed it was my lunch break as I headed to the back room. Of course as soon as she left, I went back to work. I don't want to hear her problems. I got my own."

Shorey was returning home to Omaha, Nebraska, after failing to get a steady acting job in Hollywood. After waiting in line, she reached the counter and was serviced by Wheatley. That was when the unnecessary drama unfolded.

"She started saying 'how far will 85 dollars get me?' in an unnecessarily forced voice," said Wheatley," and I said 'lots of places.' "

"Then she said, 'how about Omaha?' I said 'yup,' " quoted Wheatley.

Shorey talked about the experience, "I was buying my ticket to Omaha, one-way. I started to tell her (Wheatley) about how I have to take some time off from L.A. and go home to re-think some things. She nodded alot, without eye contact, and then hurriedly handed me my ticket, claiming she had to leave for shift change or lunch break or something..."

Shorey then left and waited at a nearby bus terminal, confused. Upon boarding she opened a can of Pringles Snack Stacks® and pondered whether to get a waitress job at Wagar's Restaurant or a cashier's position at Bryson's Ford Dealership upon returning to Omaha.

Wheatley capped her summary, saying, "I can see why she has to go back home. She obviously stinks as an actress. After the annoying questions about one-way tickets prices and whatnot, she pulled out a Western Union® envelope with a 'Love Mom' written on the corner. She knew full well home much it cost, and had money wired. Why did she have to waste my time and patience? I'm starting to hate society for rearing women in a relational fashion. ugh..."