Stem Cell Supporters Hatch Better Plot For Eternal Life

-CAPE CANAVERAL FL-

Hatching a grandiose plot to seek the source of everlasting life, the previously unknown Society of Longing After Youth has surfaced four days before a tentative space launch with a top-notch publicity campaign.

The society's founder, Harold Kubler, elaborated, "In four days, SLAY's astronautical voyage will take off and circle the earth in a reverse orbit at the speed of light, hopefully counteracting the effects of aging."

The society's massive anti-aging space campaign has many hopeful supporters in high and upper middle class neighborhoods, including Susan Cavanaugh, of New Britain, Conn.

"I'm very interested in SLAY's experiments against the aging process. I was a supporter of their embryonic stem-cell lobbying before, and I believe their space launch will bring everlasting youth to the wealthiest 3 percent of the world. Although I'm sure they can present a token minority scholarship to someone to keep up appearances..."

The organization took its modern day form in aggressively promoting embryonic stem cell research. Previous endeavors included the exasperating search for the Holy Grail (which provided footnotes for George Lucas' movie script Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade), the revival of Ponce de Leon's hunt for the Fountain of Youth, and a fateful trip to the Himalayas in search of the regenerative powers of Yeti meat.

After parading disease-addled celebrities such as Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali before Congress in an effort to hasten embryonic stem cell research, the group hit another wall, with President George W. Bush freezing research on the existing embryonic stem cell lines in existence.

"...our greatest critics know that some pluripotent stem cells can be extracted from adult bone marrow, but really, how many donors are we going to get? We needed a cheap, reliable source. Where do they come from? Embryos, my friend. Alas, President Bush has put a stop to our developments, so we are simply circumventing the problem with our funds," stated Kubler.

SLAY funding has come into question recently, with a vast fortune that has been accusedly siphoned off of Jerry Lewis telethons and National Park System funds. Their last year's federal application to be consider a tax-free religious society was refused. However, SEC authorities have been unable to decipher a paper trail to convict SLAY members.

Within four days, the launch will send three test pilots on a one-year voyage in retrograde motion against the earth's axis. After a month in orbit, the ship will be slowly brought to the speed of light by a parsec generator, thanks to a hearty scientific donation from the estate of L. Ron Hubbard.

Skeptics in the scientific community claim grave consequences should the launch occur. Rawal Pajdhoti, a physics professor at The Ohio State University, commented, "The mission could destroy the Earth as we know it. Going against the atmospheric grain of the earth at such a speed could cause a giant frictional rupture in the mesosphere and bringing a cataclysmic quickening in ozone decay. With two forces going against each other at that level, it's like creating a giant tornado. Haven't you ever done that experiment in grade school with the two pop bottles glued together and the liquid in between? It's like that."

Area Man Not A Severe Porn Addict

-CLEVELAND-

Despite a recent WOIO news broadcast that showed the extreme perils of internet porn addiction, local man Douglas Brubaker is extremely moderate in his viewing of X and XXX-rated material.

On the previous night's 11 o'clock evening news, a piece on 'cyberporn addiction' featured a report that some men, in extreme cases, were viewing between 5-10 hours of pornography a day. Brubaker is not one of these men.

When reached for comment, Brubaker said, "I'm bothered by the fact that they try to sensationalize the viewing of porn. It's out of touch in the first place because it uses the phrase 'cyberporn'. I mean, most all porn is on the internet now...get with it. I only view it an hour or so every few days. And I never pay for anything. I'm perfectly fine with the mild frustration of free 30 second clips."

National's Bad Spanish Mocked By Foreign Aliens

-MIAMI-

After leaving a Hispanic cigar shop in a Little Havana neighborhood, patron Mike Delmar was laughed at by its foreign owners, Jaime and Celia Pe�a.

The Cienfuegos, Cuba couple--alien residents for seven years--talked about Delmar's poor grasp of Spanish pronunciation after he purchased several Montecristo cigars for a friend's bachelor party.

Through the aid of an interpreter, Celia said, "This man came into the store and tried to ask me about cigars. I don't speak English so well and he tried to ask me in broken Spanish. It was pretty bad...I hear 5-year-olds pronounce better. He asked me if there were cigars from Havana...and without the mild 'b' accent on the 'v'. If he wanted me to know he was an American who couldn't speak Spanish well, he showed it."

Co-owner Jaime was also amused as he talked with his wife about the subject. Through an interpreter he mentioned, "did you hear him say KYOO-BA-no? Gringo...it's KOO-bano. No extra stress needed. Simple as that."

Unaware of his unimpressive Spanish skills, Delmar commented on the encounter. "I went into this store looking for a good Cuban cigar. Of course they speak severely broken English which is no help in finding what I want," said Delmar, "so I tried to talk some Spanish I remembered from high school. It was hard but I got what I wanted. I hope they pick up a little bit of the language soon; might be good for business."