Tetris Music Cited As More Interesting Than Date

-GOSHEN, IN-

Michael Lakatos, 19, while on a date at The Wurst Haus, heard music from the Nintendo video game, Tetris. He cited it as the high point of his date with local resident, Kristin Hafner, 18.

Lakatos further explained, "There was an accordion player in the back of the restaurant playing random polka ballads. I didn't recognize any of them except one I've heard from Tetris. You know, da-du-da-da-du-da-da-du-da-da..."

Despite Lakatos' ambivalence toward the accordion, he noted it as much more interesting than Hafner.

"Kristin is nice, but listening to her talk makes me want to drink lead paint and die. I was willing to forego my instincts when I saw her wearing the frighteningly bright pastels that denote mall shopping, but when she opened her mouth, it was over," Lakatos confided.

All told, Lakatos sat through a myriad of dull topics ranging from a poor defense of Brittany Murphy's acting career to a predictable marathon discussion of tanning salon procedure.

"She made this horrible joke that was the nail in the coffin. While telling me about tanning beds, she asked me if I used them to get my tan complexion. I said I was Greek and that it was a natural tan," commented Lakatos.

Hafner was then reported to have replied, "Well then, shouldn't we be eating at Papa Gyro's instead?"

Lakatos was said to have laughed politely, but obviously gave off noticeable signals that his interest in Hafner was waning significantly.

"Kristin saw she was losing it, so she tried to revive my attention by telling me about her recent trip to Victoria's Secret. It was a nice try but it's not going to work on me," replied Lakatos.

Hafner, however, seemed naively optomistic, "He was so interesting! And I thought I kept up pretty well on the conversation. I made a bad joke, true, but I rebounded with some nice talk about my bra size. And when I showed him the floral imprint on my strap I think I won him over. He was such a gentleman...he politely kissed me on the cheek goodnight. I hope he calls again."

Lakatos also briefly mentioned that the atmosphere was way too similar to the restaurant scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, along with his relief in finishing the evening, "Man, I'm glad that's over. In a totally unrelated line of thought, I think I'll ask that Russian foreign exchange student, Alexandra, out for Friday night."

Woman Watches Daylight Savings On Preview Channel

-ANDERSON SC-

On Saturday night at 2 a.m., local resident Kyra Knightley saw Daylight Savings time occur while watching the Preview Channel.

Knightley, an insurance claims adjustor, returned home late from Clemson after being held over longer than expected. After returning, she viewed a Family Ties episode on Nick-At-Nite before deciding there was nothing else to watch.

Deciding to flip around one last time before retiring to bed, Knightley stopped on the Preview Channel just in time to see the change occur.

Reached for comment, she said, "It was weird. You see it counting down from 1:59 a.m. and then all of a sudden it reverts back to 1 a.m. on the screen. You think to yourself 'hey, it's not supposed to do that...or is it?'"

Editor's note: 'Fall Back' Daylight Savings Time occurs at 2:30 a.m. EST, but is adjusted on the hour by television stations.

Girl Singer Reduces Rock By 60%, Increases Suck

-CANTON OH-

Mary Chapman, the lead singer of Blush, has been steadily decreasing the rock capacity of the band she co-founded with her brothers, Andrew (guitar) and Matt (drums).

The brothers, classically trained instrumentalists who wield top-of-the-line equipment, including PRS guitars, have been quietly tolerating their abject descent into mediocrity. Many say this is due to their sister's vocals, along with her prodding to keep the music "basic and not too technical."

Although the project started with hope, Mary simply did not grow lyrically to match the instrumental proficiency of her brothers. Another chink in the armor was the purchase of a digital bass machine, bought in hopes of keeping Blush a family project when they discovered they didn't have any bassist cousins.

Commenting, Andrew said, "That was a waste, because within a few months she brought some dude to our practice and said he was going to be our bassist. Of course she never heard him play, but she claimed he fit the band image when she met him at a party."

Andrew furthered, "He showed up unprepared the first practice with a Peavey practice amp and a sticker-laden bass with tacky sayings like, 'hot stuff'. All he ever does in each song is loop an annoying arpeggio, then switch to a root note when we hit the bridges. I hate him."

The band fully confirmed their suspicions after mailing a demo sample catalog to various top-notch musical schools for analyzation.

Matt explained, "We mailed demos, pre- and post-Mary, to Berklee Academy in Boston, Indiana University School of Music, and others. Not only did the results confirm our suspicions, but they also quantified them in a nice pie chart. It was disturbing. I should have guessed this would happen with a trophy-piece singer whining about her inane relationship problems in every song...ya, I know she's my sister..."

The analyzations of Berklee professor John della Cava were noted, "The brothers have an interesting dynamic, combining an interesting double bass drum technique with Phrygian and Anatolian guitar modes. In the post-Mary demos, however, their work seemed uninspired and coerced, resorting to major-chord pop banality. Except for brief riffs of talent, the work is severely compromised, at least 60%. Don't get me started on the vocals. Read the pie chart."

Described by their label, Surf Dog Records, as an "edgier" No Doubt, Blush is currently being marketed into an oversaturated girl power genre of talent-restricted bands that manage to show off the girl singer as a trophy of desire while adamantly professing a pro-feminist agenda to "break down rock's traditional sex barriers" in an interesting paradox.

Under the assumed names Bernardo O'Higgins and Vaclav Havel, Andrew and Matt are currently placing ads in local concert venue magazines for musicians interested in forming a new band. In the ads, emphasis is placed excessively on the singer, pleading, "Looking for male singer who won't suck our will to live."