Secretary's Butt Finally Quits

-HOPEULIKIT GA-

Local lathe operator and porch-dweller Earl Thompson observed Friday that his neighbor, Tammy Hopkins, once had a nice butt, but it was no longer up to par in his estimation.

"I remember she moved in hurr back in '84. ZZ Top was big back then. And lemme tell you...she had 'Legs.' They went on forever, right up to that tight can. Damn. Time changes things," he said in a wistful yet progressively disappointed tone.

Hopkins, a secretary for a Savannah, Georgia dentist, is a victim of office butt. The condition results from years of gluteal atrophy caused by lack of exercise.

According to physician James Hopewell of Sinai Regional Hospital in Atlanta, the condition could have been alleviated if Ms. Hopkins had sat on a harder surface over the years, or even occasionally stood up from her office chair while discussing inane details about soap operas and relationship mishandlings with her fellow co-workers. Unfortunately, short of plastic surgery, there is no cure for office butt.

Still heartbroken, Earl Thompson remarked, "It usta be I'd be waiting on my porch with a Coors in a can cooler for her every day at 5:30. Now, well, I don't know..."

First Transexual Olympic Games Launched

-PROVINCETOWN MA-

Dismayed at being rejected from International Olympic contention, athletes who have undergone sex change operations will be afforded the chance to attain competitive glory in the first known gathering of transexual athletes.

The controversy has been long in the making, ever since it was revealed that 1950s female track medal winner Greta Wenderling was once a man. His/her medals were later revoked.

"I've lived most of my adult life confused whether I was, at heart, a man or a woman," said athlete Carl (now Carla) Bender. "But I never lost site of the fact that I was born to run the marathon."

The event is scheduled to be held Aug. 15-19 in Provincetown, drawing from the nearby abundance of transexual athletes, and those from transexual hubs such as Key West, San Francisco, Miami, and Thailand.

World's Largest Bathtub Creates Natural Disaster

-SEYMOUR IN-

Not satisfied with the distinction of being the home of rock and roll singer John Mellencamp, the town of Seymour, Indiana sought after further distinction for their town.

The end result was deadly. After the carnage, a total of 12 residents were killed and 17 homes were destroyed by an unintentionally man-made tornado.

The natural disaster occurred shortly after the grand opening celebration of the town's world-recording breaking "Largest Operational Bathtub." The replica of a cast-iron footed model tub stood along Route 50 coming into the small midwestern town, but now lays about the ground, a hauntingly-cracked sheathe of destruction.

"My God this is an awful day for the town," said Mayor Robert Jorgensen. "We thought an esoteric large scale project would bring local tourists into our economy, but it's brought nothing but death."

The replica was actually a cleverly designed fountain built with local government funding for a waterpark, which would occasionally release water out of its base on to anticipating water lovers and unsuspecting underpassers.

However, the massive amounts of water kept in the basin were kept at too cold a temperature. When an abnormally hot storm front came into the region, it met with the artificial front made by the tub, resulting in a tornado disaster.