Kevin Gallagher, 13, discovered via internet that his favorite wrestler, Burge Barsidius, has biographical information that is both incorrect and untrue.

Barsidius, a muscular 6'5", 275 lb. warlock character with questionable ties to occult powers that regularly win him matches, is often announced as hailing from "parts unknown."

In reality, according to various fan pages and wrestling chatrooms, Barsidius is the character name of Mike Pinsky, a failed NFL Europe linebacker who hails from Erie, PA. His finishing move is "The Burning Man," a modified electric chair powerbomb.

In response, Gallagher was puzzled but seemed accepting of the fact as he stated, "I knew that wrestling wasn't 100% real, but seeing a character's real name several times proved the fact. I'm still a big fan, though."

Gallagher then proceeded to use an online wrestling message board to gather information about the number of people who have played the Ultimate Warrior character over the years and subsequently died of steroid and human growth hormone overdoses.

Earthquake Jaded Over WTC Coverage

-IZMIT, TURKEY-

After watching an A&E special on the world's top ten disasters of the last ten years, an earthquake was dissapointed and jaded by its relative obscurity in comparison to the World Trade Center attacks of 9/11.

The earthquake, which killed at least 14,000 people in a 1998 disaster near Istanbul, received a #7 rating compared to the WTC's #1 rating.

"What do I have to do to receive some notoriety around here? Do I have to drop an entire city into the earth's core? I mean, it was a 7.5 Richter scale attack...and all I got was a promotional blurb from UNICEF for about a day worldwide," stated the earthquake.

It added, "I easily did 3 times the damage of 9/11, but I didn't hear Tom Brokaw drone on for days in his stentorian slur about my effects."

The earthquake's publicist, Jabar Ataturk, claimed the results on the show have turned the earthquake slightly vengeful.

Ataturk stated, "It's (earthquake) been making menacing comments lately, about making America its 'tectonic bitch' and 'Juan de Fuca-ing up the place', which I believe may be a reference against Seattle."

In response to the threat, US Attorney General John Ashcroft raised the terror alert status level to "orange", and then set about plans for a pre-emptive nuclear strike on the North Anatolian fault line, despite the prospective disastrous consequences explored in the 1978 film, Superman, should such an act occur.

Neil Young Panned By Youth Culture In Music Class

-FORT MYERS FL-

Neil Young, a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee and music legend, was dismissively panned in Byron Eckhart's Music Appreciation in the 20th Century course at DeLeon High School.

"He's no Chingy, that's for sure," claimed Dana Elcar, a junior.

"His nasal voice and harmonica playing aren't condusive to the mindless dancing and summer fun that I want to remember pathetically and wistfully while I'm rotting in a nursing home 60 years from now," stated Becca Funt, a sophomore.

In defense against initial resistance, Eckhart went into a social history of Young's work, including his ethereal "Ohio" which he recorded with Crosby, Stills & Nash in wake of the 1970 Kent State University shootings.

"All I got were blank faces," Eckhart replied.

Alan Bateman, a senior, summarized,"He (Young) is earnest, realistic and passionate. The are all things we applaud externally, but hate internally. Therefore, Neil Young isn't welcome in my carefully-constructed shell of truth deflection."

Eckhart, an idealist social sciences teacher, will spend at least another decade in this intellectual and cultural stagnancy before retirement. He hopes to reach a grand total of 5 students who actually desire to expand their consciousness and learn without a specific career goal as their motivation.