While canvassing his local Wal-Mart for radiator fluid and resum� paper, local resident Donald Labatre viewed the movie Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers, in its entirety.

After his stop in the automotive department, Labatre was on his way to the school supplies area when he was diverted by the entertainment/electronics section between the two.

Although what initially caught his eye was the DVD bargain bin featuring selections ranging from Air Bud: Golden Retriever to Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, a screening of the second installment of Peter Jackson's epic cinematic portrayal is what kept his attention.

Labatre stood through approximately three hours of film enthralled, despite not being much of a science fiction fan.

"I'm not really into sci-fi," quoted Labatre, "but I know a good movie when I see it. And it was free! Even better!"

Labatre was so concentrated on the film that he easily dismissed the disapproving glances of flabby-armed female clerks along with a nosy woman of Asian decent who tried to affably joke, "Haid, joo should buy dat instead." The comment failed in Labatre's opinion.

Grace Landry, 64, is one of a growing trend among fast food restaurants nationwide. Landry, who has had trouble keeping on weight since the removal of her gall bladder three years ago, is one of many old skeleton ladies semi-gainfully employed by local fast food eateries.

Local resident Dan Mooney commented, "Imagine my surprise when I go to get a taco, and I see walking death tottering about back there. The first thing I did was tell the cashier to supersize my order. Then, when I went home, I donated money to an Ethiopian charity immediately."

SUNY-Buffalo economics professor, Robert Laswell analyzed, "The insertion of an old skeleton lady into a fast food restaurant is a purely economical strategy. Although too slow to keep up with the high-paced environment and therefore relegated to dropping fryers or cleaning, the skeleton lady serves a dual purpose."

Laswell then expounded, "Hiring someone of that age abides by equal opportunity employment laws. Plus, the incapacity of the skeleton lady as shown through the agape mouth and the drastic contrast between her near-mummified state and purple polyblend uniform directly coerce consumers into buying more product."

Lewis Crumpler, a sanitation engineer at the North Lynn Waste Treatment Facility, is passionate about his job.

The 43-year-old janitorial biohazard specialist is the first staff member to slip into his biochemical cleaning suit, and the last to hit the borax showers, according to co-workers.

Fellow employee Odell Watkins furthered, "Every month the two main storage tanks are emptied into the overflow tank so that we can clean them. Lewis always calls 'first dibs', as if people are just lining up for that nauseating chore. Whatever."

Shift supervisor Irving Fryar commented, "I'm not sure Lewis ever got out of Freud's anal stage in development. I mean, he is WAY too passionate about his job, whether he is meticulously scrubbing off sulfur corrosion or airing one of his polemic outbursts against Beverly (a nearby suburb) for pumping open sewers straight into the ocean."

Crumpler summarized his questionably unfounded joviality, "I dunno...I guess I just have a passion for poop."