Local Woman Too Good For Little Caesar's Pizza

-SNOWDON ME-

At a family gathering over the Fourth of July weekend at the Weathers' ocean cottage, it was intimated by May Weathers Crawford that she was indeed too good to consume Little Caesar's Pizza.

"We always come to the cottage every Fourth of July," said 7-year-old Brandon Weathers, "and we always have barbecue and watch fireworks and then get a Little Caesar's pizza."

However, the family's post-celebratory dining ritual was almost stopped by May's hesitancy and obvious distaste for Little Caesar's.

"Aunt May got invited this year because Dad said she needed some 'get away time' after her husband left her for a blond farmhand. It's technically her summer place, but we only pay her a short visit when we come up because she's really boring. Being around her for the weekend sucks, and she almost ruined our Pizza! Pizza! party," commented Alicia Weathers, age 13.

After watching fireworks at Sagadahoc County Fairgrounds, the Weathers' drove back into town, presumptively to pick up a couple of Little Caesar's pizzas, a tradition that started nine years ago when little Alicia mimicked the then-popular Little Caesar's slogan Pizza! Pizza! upon seeing the restaurant wing attached to a local K-Mart.

However, with the additional burden of Aunt May, the tradition was put into jeopardy. While driving into town, she uttered with a slight, waspy condescension, "Well, that was quite a plebian experience...sitting on a plaid ground blanket and watching the fireworks with the townies. So, would you like to go out for dinner? I know there's a great seafood dinner special down at Leatherbinder's Inn."

With their ritual held hostage by May's uptight dining sensibilities, mother Ann Weathers stepped in for the save, saying, "Oh, that sounds great May!...but the children are getting a little tired and I don't want to stay out too late. Better to get them fed and straight to bed. How 'bout we go out for a nightcap afterward?"

Mom will be getting an especially nice present next Mother's Day.

Failed Restaurants and Their Celebrity Owners

• Mangi nell'abbondanza e Vomiti Molto........................................(James Gandolfini)
• Wok-In's Drive Thru Chinese......................................................(Christopher Walken)
• International House of Saltines, Creamed Herring and Skoal.....(Crispin Glover)
• Melrose Bouillebasse..................................................................(Aaron Spelling)
• Strap On a Feedbag and More!..................................................(Rosie O'Donnell)

Chain Letter Shows Writer's Mild Psychosis

-NAUVOO IL-

Local animal control employee Clayton Boggs is a head case waiting to snap, according to e-mail acquaintances.

But people are having a hard time proving it with anything but circumstantial evidence. The Hancock county employee and 1998 Nauvoo High graduate edited a circulating chain e-mail to subtly reveal his borderline psychotic tendencies.

Marcus Anderson, a high school acquaintance of Boggs, received the e-mail. "I got the email from Clayton and it was a bit off-putting. I mean, really, who addresses their peers as 'scions'? He wouldn't even have my e-mail address if I didn't have to work with him on that mass media project in high school...I should probably block his address and just not let him know."

The letter, originally written by Boggs' cousin Sarah as a generic, token gesture to get people to say something nice about five prospective recipients, was augmented by Boggs to include room for his problematic mental state.

"I got this weird e-mail from Clayton, and I saw Sarah's name was on it," said acquaintance Hayley Jones, "She lives like five houses down from me, so I asked her if she wrote it. She said that it was changed somehow from when she wrote it. Since Clayton forwarded it, I'm assuming he wrote it. He's been odd ever since I've known him. I gave him some slack when he said his favorite song was Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger, but this is too odd to let go."

A note at the end of the original e-mail said that those who didn't forward it would be 'subject to three day's bad luck'. The edited version posted by Boggs insisted that 'the worm would not die in your metaphysical orb' should one not forward the message.