Arena Football Team On Phonebook Cover

-GRAND RAPIDS MI-

The Grand Rapids Rampage, of the Arena Football League, were chosen to represent the City of Grand Rapids on the cover of the 2005 Yellow Pages phonebook, according to municipal sources.

"This marks the third year in a row that The Rampage will be representing Grand Rapids on the Yellow pages," said city and rotary council member Ron Sarsgaard. "Our residents will be reminded of our team's status as ambassadors of our fair city to mid-level sports venues. Also, thousands of hotel patrons and college students will get the chance to see an outlet of our civic pride while ordering pizzas and Chinese food."

With a growing fan base comprised of fraternity pledges, pre-teen children and over-agressive regional advertisers, the Grand Rapids Rampage have become a cornerstone of sports-related activity for the city on Sundays, as well as a subject of interest for Western Michiganders.

"My husband and I took our son Brad to the Rampage game two weeks ago and it was such fun! We got a great deal on the tickets because it was Youth League Sports Night. We each got a free hot dog with the price of admission! And there was a wacky mascot running up and down the aisles. He didn't have a costume, but he did have a trumpet, on which he played Charge!" said Martha Van Pels of Wyoming, Mich.

Scenes from the high-scoring, wall-crunching action of the Rampage are expected to don the cover of the phone book for years to come, as no other aspect of Grand Rapids life--the lack of notable architecture, its location as a central hub of Christian publications, or the home of President Gerald Ford--was deemed worthy, or interesting.

Loser Kid Ends Fun of Opposite Day

BLACK RIVER FALLS WI

Thursday's bus ride to Gainer Elementary School was an unbridled session of Opposite Day hilarity for students Jimmy Zorria, 8, Amy Phelps, 7, and Sammy Baumgartner, 7. That is until Sara Greenwood, at an oh-so-mature age of 9, ruined the fun.

"I don't know why she had to ruin it," said Phelps. "Opposite Day is one of the funnest days ever. Last week, I told Jimmy that he smelled wonderful, not like the time I poured milk into the wall vent. Hee hee hee..."

The trio of neighborhood pals were most of the way to school before they had to pick up Greenwood, the route's last stop. After she boarded, she sat in front of Jimmy and Sammy, and diagonal from Amy.

"She didn't bother us right away," said Zorria, "so I told Amy that her hair looked nice with the green ribbon. Then Amy said 'oh yeah? Well i think your lunchbox is the coolest. Only cool people carry a cool Power Rangers lunchbox like you."

After several other witty Opposite Day retorts, Greenwood, obviously bothered by the group, turned to the back and looked over the seats, saying "Opposite Day is so stupid! It isn't funny. If it's Opposite Day, then it's the opposite of Opposite Day. So there isn't an Opposite Day! You guys are dumb."

Although the group tried to ignore Sara's being a total butthead and go back to Opposite Day antics, the improv session died before the children reached the school. "She's so dumb. My dad says to be nice to people who live in Section 8 housing projects, but I don't even know what that means. Sara is a butthead. I would push her in the snow if Mr. Storey (the bus aide) wasn't outside watching, " said Baumgartner. "I think next week I will put pine needles in her snow boots when we put them by the heater in Mrs. Slater's classroom."

Food Combination Causes Massive Diarrhea

-ELY NV-

Matt Schroeder, a junior attending the University of Nevada, got a sudden rush throughout his intestinal system following a meal at the campus Taco Bell on Wednesday. Within minutes of completing his meal, the accounting major had to scurry back to his dorm room to birth an unpleasant bowel movement that was described by roommate Chad Lowen as 'heinous.'

"Last year I lived on a floor with a bunch of football players and a community bathroom, so I'm used to awful smells. But when Matt hurried into the bathroom, I knew something was up. He's stunk up the place before, but this was extreme. The grunts and groans he made...geez. There was a lot of fear, pain, and afterwards--judging from the expression on his face--loathing in the experience," said Lowen.

According to Schroeder's account, the deluvian bout of diarrhea was capped by his Grilled Stuft Burrito and large Dr. Pepper. However, it was not the sole culprit. For breakfast, he had eaten a bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran. Forgetting what he had eaten previously, Schroeder dined unaware that his body was producing a lethal cocktail of digestive purgatory.

Commenting, he said, "I'm used to Taco Bell. Most people I tell this story to think that it all has to do with Taco Bell. But I have a tolerance to it...I got over Taco Bell diarrhea in the 10th grade. What made it awful was the cereal I ate earlier. I would recommend people watch what they are combining in their stomachs, unless they want to sweat profusely while they crap out wet, sawdust-like clumps accompanied by Yoohoo-consistency fecal liquid."