Lemon-Lime Gatorade Found To Be Blister Juice

-GAINESVILLE FL-

According to archival records that recently resurfaced in University of Florida Medical School labs, Gatorade is comprised of food coloring, electrolytes and, most shockingly, blister juice.

Gatorade's creators, Dr. Dana Shires and Dr. Robert Cade, originally created the sports beverage in 1965 at the commission of the Florida Gators football team in order to better hydrate players.

What the players didn't know about the magic drink that kept them hydrated and energized longer was that the key flavoring ingredient was blister juice.

In a recent move of older archived lab notes to make room for newer ones, university medical students came across the shocking results. Third year resident, Michelle Hwang commented, "I don't know how they (Shires and Cade) came to the decision to add blister juice to the drink, nor how they acquired large quantities of it, and I'd rather not contemplate that...Come to think, it (Gatorade) does taste like that time I popped the abrasion on the instep of my foot that I got from new sandals and then sucked my finger dry. I never really liked Gatorade..."

Shires and Cade were unavailable for comment on account of being dead.

Top Ten Little-Known Sasquatch Facts

1. Totally dislikes removing Band-Aids from his skin.
2. Once visited NYC and got red paint thrown on him by anti-fur activists.
3. Can't get enough racquetball!
4. Still hasn't talked to his cousin, The Yeti, since their drunken New Year's Eve argument.
5. Currently in talks to star with Paris Hilton in a low budget hotel film.
6. Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
7. Gives hair to make Trump's toupees.
8. Enjoys being called "Sas" by friends.
9. Can get a free room at any Motel 6 in Oregon.
10. Lost out to cheaper, foreign alien equivalent, Chewbacca, for Star Wars role.

Eric Clapton Translates From Black To White

-NEW ORLEANS-

Eric Clapton, legendary blues, rock and pop musician, has been paying homage to Robert Johnson and Muddy Waters his entire career, translating black delta blues music to an audience of now-primarily white, middle-aged listeners.

However, Clapton's capacity for transferring black thought onto a white populace has begun to expand to other areas of expression, including speech. An instance of Clapton's burgeoning ability was cited on Zatarain's Bayou Bus, which takes travellers around New Orlean's historic French Quarter.

While on the tour, African-American guide Trey Anderson invited Clapton to be his guest tour guide after recognizing him. While passing the Gallier House Museum, which depicts thousands of Creole and Afro-Cuban artifacts, Anderson tried to explain the rich history of the New Orleans area. Passengers politely nodded.

At that point, Clapton asked the tour guide if he had heard him correctly, and repeated a chunk of what Anderson had just said to confirm what he thought was said. At that moment, the passengers collectively went 'ah' in profound recognition of Clapton's 'cover' of Anderson's information.

Anderson was astonished and disappointed at the lack of recognition.

Clapton has been no stranger to re-introducing black artist's works and riding the coattails to success with white people. The talented guitarist took Bob Marley's song "I Shot The Sheriff" to #1 in 1974 on his 461 Ocean Boulevard album.