Irregular Pop Rock Proves Fatal To Factory Worker

-SCRANTON PA-

Shannon Delk, a quality control handler at the Scranton Pop Rocks® factory, died Monday after a freak accident involving an oversized Pop Rock fragment.

Delk was five hours into her shift when she came across the fatal candy in an inspection, according to her supervisor, Tom Graffanino.

"Apparently, Shannon had pulled the abnormal clump from the conveyor so that it didn't cause any problems down in packaging. Then, for whatever reason, she put the golf-ball sized fragment in her mouth and she was gone within minutes," commented Graffanino.

According to coroner's reports, Delk died from a sudden, intense burst of carbon dioxide that ruptured the hard pallette of her mouth and caused trauma to the medulla oblongata, which produced the fatal reaction within a minute.

Pop Rocks® are manufactured by taking crystallized candy and compressing it with carbon dioxide at a rate of 600 PSI. The result is small bubbles that form along the surface of the candy, which make the patented crackle upon ingestion.

Pop Rocks® lovers should not fear, though. According to Herbert Klein, a physics professor from Pennsylvania State University, they are usually harmless.

"The compressing rate of 600 PSI is standard in all of the individual candies in a Pop Rocks® package. Ingesting the small pieces will produce the expected fizzing and crackling associated with the product. However, the sheer size of Delk's piece proved to be lethal, allowing little space in her mouth for the carbon dioxide to escape and therefore causing the pallette rupture," said Klein.

The Pop Rocks® corporation has sent its condolences to Delk's parents, and in light of the accident, has stopped plans to debut their fall product line of "Pop Boulders" that coincidentally were about the same size as Delk's lethal candy piece.

J.J. Walker Clock "Seemed Like Good Idea" To Clockmaker

-RENO NV-

 Local entrepeneur Hamilton Stark, owner of the local novelty  clock store, A Clock That's Orange, has finally yielded to patrons'  shopping selections and removed his J.J. Walker "Dynomite!" wall  clock from store display.

 After nearly 6 years, the clock has failed to sell, nor take any  interest.

 Stark seemed puzzled, but resigned to the fact that J.J. Walker  just doesn't sell anymore.

"I thought it would be a decent product for me. It had J.J's beaming face, and in place of the numbers, it had "DY-no-MITE!!" spelled out in a circular pattern. I figured since he frequents the Golden Gulch (Casino) as a stand-up performer every now and then, that local residents or visitors would take a fancy to the clock," said Stark.

Fat Kid Hit With Volleyball, Reactions Mixed

-WYTHEVILLE VA-

Local teenage fat kid Troy Walts was hit with a volleyball during gym class at Sanderson High School, but was surprisingly not mocked as heavily as would be expected, according to spectators.

During third period gym, a guys-and-girls-mixed volleyball match was scheduled. Walts stayed mostly in the middle, where he didn't have to move as much. The score was a competitive 13-12 when sophomore Alex Scanlan hit a spike that struck Walts in the abdomen.

"I was excited for the spike because I knew the game was close, and I saw that Misty (freshman Misty Aikers) was on the front line at the time. She's only about 5'3", so I figured I had a point for sure. Then after I hit it, it hit Troy right in the stomach and it made this God-awful sound...like if you took a bowl of thick pudding and then dropped it on your kitchen floor. It was gross, I totally forgot about the point I just scored," said Scanlan.

However, Walts--who is subject to much teasing about his obesity, his oily complexion, and his tendency to smell like chicken broth--was not mocked as would be assumed. Instead, there were a few nervous laughs from students and then a quick resuming of game play at the prompting of gym teacher Dean Standish.

Misty Aikers commented, "It was so weird...the ball didn't even bounce off him like it would a normal person. It almost kind of sunk into his flab a little bit, and then dropped quickly to his feet. I didn't know what to do after seeing and hearing that."

Walts was unavailable for comment.