Leap Day Birthday Assault Charges Filed

-KALAMAZOO MI-

Kelvin Johnson had misdemeanor assault charges filed against him by plaintiff and fellow co-worker Steven Andrzejewski on Monday.

Johnson was arrested from his job at accounting firm Johannsen-Betelbrock following an altercation that was caused by a series of lousy jokes about his Leap Day birthday.

Andrzejewski was the most relentless of several co-workers who traded seriously unfunny barbs about Johnson's unusual birth date.

Allegedly, the comment Andrzejewski made to set Johnson off was, "Hey, how old did ya turn yesterday? 9? Ha...I don't know too many 9-year-olds who have a family and a mortgage! Ha..."

Johnson then reportedly threw his coffee mug at Andrzejewski's head, narrowly missing, and then tackled him, proceeding to punch him about the face repeatedly, yelling, "How many 9-year-olds can do this to you? Huh?"

Andrzejewski suffered no injuries but was shaken from the fight. He immediately left work for the day and went to the doctor for an inspection. Office manager Stu Blanchard and vending machine repairman Sully Adams pulled Johnson off Andrzejewski and restrained him until police arrived.

Johnson responded 'no comment' about his detainment, but was visibly sullen.



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Reasons I Might Want To Beat You Up

  • For being a lazy house cat, or a human equivalent.
  • You impersonate Richard Simmons.
  • Because if Grand Theft Auto has taught me correctly, and I hit you enough times, money will come out of you which I can summarily collect.
  • You are a fast food restaurant manager.
  • Your stage performance has "oomph", but no "razz-a-ma-tazz".


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    President Bush to Visit Constituency at Wrestlemania

    -NEW YORK-

    After viewing popular response to his Daytona 500 appearance, President George W. Bush, has announced plans to make a similar appearance at Madison Square Garden for Wrestlemania XX on March 14, 2004.

    White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan issued a press release Tuesday stating, "The President has been encouraged by the response of the Daytona 500 crowd, and has decided to press on with his campaign for re-election at Wrestlemania."

    The evening's lineup card will feature WWE Entertainment Champion "Latino Heat" Eddy Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle, a Cruiserweight Champion open tourney, the Playboy tag-team evening gown match, and a three-way "Triple Threat" match for the WWE Heavyweight title between Triple H, "The Crippler" Chris Benoit, and "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels.

    Reached for comment, WWE CEO Vince McMahon said, "We're honored to have the President join us for an evening of exciting sports entertainment and acting plot-holes, especially in light of our company's recent tax break."

    Visibly excited for the event's prospects, President Bush was quoted on Tuesday, "The same good people at Daytona are the same good people who will frequent Wrestlemania with me. I can't wait for an evening to relax with my voters and watch the Undertaker give Kane the Tombstone piledriver that he's been asking for."

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