Icelandic Missionary Has Suspicious Motives

-ALBERT LEA MN-

Aspiring missionary Brett Vanderhoff, 22, has been the focus of scrutiny at the Albert Lea Evangelical Lutheran Church over his recent decision to travel to Iceland for a two-year missions project in Reykjavik.

Local congregants are astounded by the recent University of Minnesota graduate's decision to skip previously-announced graduate school plans in favor of the service learning trip. According to most, Vanderhoff does not fit the typical missionary mold.

"I was shocked when I heard Brett would be going to Iceland. His mother (Velma) and I talk every Sunday after church for a bit. She said just a month ago that he was working on applications to get into UM's MBA program. Quite a shock, let me tell you. I gave him five dollars, but I'm confused about his decision. He's not really like most missionaries that come through here asking for donations. He has a lot of friends, he isn't lonely, and he's a pretty good looking fellow," said church member Pam Johansen.

Others offer a different insight into Vanderhoff's decision. His old roommate, Bob Potter, speculated that the move was not entirely out of religious conviction.

"...(Vanderhoff) is a little unpredictable sometimes. I never heard him say anything about Jesus at all, or read a Bible in the two years I've been rooming with him. He seems like an average guy just looking for a good time. I've noticed over the past few months that he was listening to all these bands from Iceland: Bjork, Ham, Minus...and some sort of alt/folk project named Hudson Wayne. He listens to it all the time. He says he likes the ambience...whatever that's supposed to mean. Personally, I think that it has too much wind in the background most of the time," he said.

In defence of his position to go to Iceland for other purposes besides enjoying the live music scene, Vanderhoff offered, "You know, a lot of people tell me that I'm going simply because I like the music. It's true I really like the music, but it's also a land of intense beauty. And I can help people out. Did you know that Iceland's church attendance is dwindling like the rest of Europe, and that their suicide rates are among the highest in the world? I bet not. Once there, I personally plan on meeting the Sugarcubes and making sure that they're not suicidal."

Charlie Sheen Just Doing Anything For Work

Army Of Rape Having Hard Time Booking Gigs

-MODESTO CA-

Local ska band, The Army of Rape, is having a hard time booking gigs around their north central California market; speculatively because of their name. While the band appears fully devoted to making their musical project known throughout the Napa Valley, there have been few takers at local clubs.

"I don't get it...this band is good. They sent me a demo five months ago, and I insisted that they headline on Tuesdays," says Max D'Angelo, owner of Brewmonger's Night Club in nearby Stockton, "but they couldn't draw anyone after awhile. Eventually I had to move them into the awful ten-band punk show on Monday that costs 3 bucks."

In addition to their lack of drawing power, The Army of Rape disenchants the few remaining fans in attendance. "You wouldn't believe how many metalheads come here and get disappointed. They think from seeing a poster in a gas station bathroom that The Army of Rape is some sort of underground thrash-core project. They usually leave pretty quick. There's also a few chicks every night who say something about the name being awful to me, too," says bartender Paul Ettinger.

Recent questioning about the bands name has prompted lead singer/trombonist Karl Anderson to rethink its nametag. "I still think the name is great. If anyone even listens to our lyrics, you can sense the corruption of our government and the bloodlust a lot of armies engage in during war," says Anderson, "and I wanted to find a name that matched with our stance. My grandmother told me a story for a middle-school project about living in Germany after World War II, when Russian soldiers just came in and raped and destroyed for revenge. I thought Army of Rape would be a great name. Too bad it doesn't appeal. Perhaps I could rename the project Al-Aqsa Martyr's Brigade...you know, to sort of contemporize our image."