Ashcroft Prosecutes ex-WWF Star For Treason

-WASHINGTON D.C.-

Under direct orders from President George Bush, Attorney General John Ashcroft approved the arrest of former World Wrestling Federation superstar, Sergeant Slaughter.

The search for Slaughter was elusive at first, as it was discovered that the name "Sergeant Slaughter" is in acuality a stage name for professional wrestler Mike Remus.

Undaunted, the FBI caught up with and arrested Slaughter in his New York home shortly after midnight last Thursday as he was enjoying a ham sandwich.

Slaughter was arrested on charges concerning his defection to Iraq from 1991-92 in a suspiciously close timeframe to that of the First Gulf War.

Although vehemently protesting that the defection was a "promotional scheme" on behalf of WWF ratings, Slaughter was further condemned by evidence of trampling an American flag at several show events, in addition to an attempt to light Hulk Hogan's face on fire inside of a locker room at the prodding of his elven-shoed Iraqi manager, General Adnan.

Commenting from his retirement estate, General H. Norman Schwartzkopf commented, "I've known Slaughter since he was a mid-level wrestler on state circuits. I saw him rise to fame, and I was the first to congratulate him on his character endorsement in GI Joe. Big things were ahead of him in the WWF, but he threw it all away on that manipulative Adnan. I thought the thorough beating from Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VII was enough punishment, but obviously the Attorney General's office has more in store for him."

Slaughter's point of detainment is unknown at this hour.

Top Five Rejected Cincinnati Travel Bureau Phrases

1. "Welcome to Cin City"
2. "Now Only Two Race Riots Per Year"
3. "You Know Those Liquor Distillery Fires In Kentucky? We Can See Those Across The River. It's Really Cool."
4. "Hey Gays! This is called the Queen City, So Why Aren't You Coming?"
5. "We're Close To Kentucky, But Not Related."

Woman Admits Cousin's Autograph Collection Is Better

-NORTH EAST PA-

Cheryl Baskins admitted Wednesday that her younger cousin Dave's autograph collection was much cooler than hers.

Dave Hawking, a Pittsburgh University student, seemingly has a knack for finding celebrities when they come to town. Usually they are at hotels.

After a Thanksgiving dinner at the Hawking house, the two cousins became disinterested in a subpar football game featuring Dallas and Detroit. The two went up to Hawking's room, where he promptly pulled out a recently signed autograph from Lou Reed and showed Baskins.

"Apparently as his story goes, Dave caught Lou Reed at the Andy Warhol museum and asked him for an autograph," stated Baskins, "and he gave it to Dave. He has some other cool signatures from (Depeche Mode's) Dave Gahan and some others I forgot. A lot better than my collection, I have to admit."

Baskins, on the other hand, has not been very demonstrative with her autograph collection. She confided that it features signatures from Donnie Iris & The Destroyers, 13-time WCW heavyweight champion Ric Flair, and former Olympic decathalon star Dan O'Brien.