A few years ago, I had a ton of fun writing in journals to you either online or in notebooks that I swore one day I'd give to you. Anyway, some of these are pretty entertaining or interesting so I included a bunch from past years. :) But it amazes me to read some of them because even years ago I was saying the same things I say to you now, like how I feel you are a part of me.
August 16th, 2000:
To Gary-
Just in case I never talk to you again I wanted to tell you (no matter how strange this letter may sound) that I will always love and remember you. You never believed me, but I don't blame you. My love for you changed me and made me happy. What I saw in you when I looked at you, I'm guessing no one else saw because no on else seems to feel the same way as I do about it. I look at your face, the kind that stares at you with its deep, dark eyes, questioning or suggesting the situation or events to come. I see things in your eyes, almost as if I can read the real person inside you. The one behind the carelessness. Your smile is genuine. You are real. But in your eyes is the only place I see it. I see discomfort, sadness, insecurity, fear, hopelessness, and a worried mind. I look at that questioning face, and I see a wondering face - waiting for something to happen. Self-consciousness in a way. You have given up hope. Without hope, you create carelessness. But I can still see how great you really are. I'm attracted to your insecurity, your doubts, and your hopelessness. This is the reason I love you so much. You were also smart to begin with, and you still have that left. It hurts me to see you waste it. It hurts me that you aren't becoming what you could be, because it could be amazing. It hurts me when I don't have you here... I love you, you're a part of me.
I can't seem to reach inside you. You seem to shut me out from your real self because you don't understand who I am. And you don't think a shallow, crazy, dumb girl in love should need to know who you really are and what you really feel.
The truth is, I love you so much that even with your lack of self-esteem, it gave me self-esteem. My love for you forced me to be the very best I could be in every way - because that's what love does for you. I realized when I lost you just how thankful I am to have been able to have you in my life. It makes life so much greater when you have someone that means as much as you do to me- even when you lose them. The importance you were to me in my life makes losing you not so bad - because you can always look back and say, "I fell in love and it did so much for me." I never knew I could love or care for someone so much even the little amount of time we were together.
You seem to be hurting so much inside...so much that it is what has taken over your life almost completely. Your hurt and sadness has kept you from being the person you want to be. It's like a disease eating you away at ever moment, taking over your brain so that your sadness is all you'll ever live or know. You turn it into carelessness and that comforts you. Almost as if carelessness was your way of escaping your sadness (along with other things).
I'm probably over-analyzing you, when I shouldn't be analyzing you at all - by doing this, I run the risk of looking like a crazy girl, madly in love. But I DO know you're unhappy - it's what I see in your sad, but beautiful eyes. It slightly shows, and it makes me unhappy.
No matter what happens, who comes and goes in your life (like me), who means what to you, I will always know the truth, and it's mine and your truth together. Gary I will always love every part of you there is - because you are a beautiful man - all of you, being who you are, is why I fell in love so fast. I understand you. But most of all I care about you. Love is my weakness, and you are full of love...you ARE love to me and all that I've ever known of it. I will talk to you again even if it's when we die, because the only time I will truly be happy is when I can look into your beautiful eyes once again, and fill all the dark holes the same way you did for me for the first and most important time in my life.
I love you Gary...I miss you.
-Liz
August 16th 2000 (second entry):
No matter what I may sound like when the previous letter [above] is read by someone else - whether it be a girl who doesn't know what she's talking about or a girl that's just obsessed - it all comes down to one thing - and that's love. No matter what's true of him and what's not - I write these things because I love him - I care about what's going on with him and am curious, because of what I see in him.
I see a typical teenage boy - into typical things for his age, etc. But I fell in love because of the more subtle side of him that I saw, that normally "typical boys" don't come with. I see a huge capacity of love behind all the other shit. Like I've always said - there's something there - something that draws me to him so quick, and maybe him to me. I just see something, you know? And I've never been quite able to grasp it but I see it more and more as time goes by. It's what I see in his eyes - his real self.
-Liz
A STORY I WROTE On August 2nd, 2000:
When Vanessa was young, she had a great deal of love in her life. It was so powerful that it changed her away of being, her way of acting, and her perspective on life. Her whole life was focused on love and it made her happier than she'd ever been. She knew she was lucky to have this love. It made life itself much better, and got her through the bad times. She felt complete, she finally felt like someone who knew what was going on. Her newfound perspective on life caused by love gave her a great deal of confidence, and it showed.
Vanessa loved to take time to notice how beautiful the flowers were around where she lived, and gather them into a bouquet when she could. She loved the comfortable moments in life, like the smell of coffee on a rainy day, or how brightly the moon shone at night. And when she played her flute for people, the sound and expression of the pieces she played had been so much greater than before.
Vanessa, while doing things, would always have her love on her mind, constantly thinking about how much love had done for her. The more she thought about it, the happier and sweeter everything got. Love actually helped her grow up - it had put her through so much.
Then one day Vanessa woke up, happy and rested as usual. The skies got grayer and grayer as it was about to rain, while later she found out her love was gone, had left unexpectedly. She still cries to this day for him and she is so hurt inside that the flowers or the refreshing smell of coffee and everything else love had her focused on was now dead. Instead of noticing the good and beautiful things, she noticed how the flowers were wilting, and she didn't feel complete anymore. She would constantly say to herself that she needed once again the other half of her heart.
She still had her confident, but it didn't feel the same without the love she had for the guy who left. She couldn't eat for many days, and she was not only hurt but angry. Her view on things changed and she had hardly any hope.
Vanessa knows that she'll have love again, but that the first guy was the most important to her and that if she could never again have him, he'd always be in her heart and that as long as he was alive, she would always be there for him and support him the rest of his life. No other guy had meant so much.
Sound familiar?
I love you Gary.
-Liz.
July 12th, 2001:
Dear Oliver Trucking Co.,
GARES!! My lovely man. I miss you so much that I am absolutely going crazy. Exactly three weeks from this day I'll be sitting at home. I'm planning to visit you when I get back. I want to bring you your present and we still have to...umm, ya know. :)
I want to take you to France with me. I fuckin' wish you were here now like no fuckin other so we could share beds, share rooms, go to parties and bars together, do everything here together. I would be having a much better time, that's for sure. I think about you ALL damn day. It makes me feel really good too. It's so tempting because I just want to touch you - so badly. I never have before, and just to reach out and touch you is a dream, since I haven't seen you in so long, all I get to do is think about you and dream about you and write to you and talk to you...but the physical part just isn't there anymore since it has been so long since I've seen you. (And I mean physical as in I haven't seen you or held your hand before).
I've loved you for the longest god damn time, now that I look back on it. Every day I think about you and end up saying "GOD DAMN, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH" to myself. It just overwhelms me. You are my amazing person. You really are like a miracle for me. When I think about the way that you are, there is just no other guy that could match up to you for me.
I was thinking about something the other day. I was imagining about how when I look at you and talk to you it's like I think to myself, "I'm talking to Gary." And normally you wouldn't look at that as anything else but just talking to someone, but I DO. When I hear your name I think of the guy who I fell in love with, the guy who I literally can't go without talking to for more than a week, the amazing person I *always* have on my mind, the guy I feel SO spiritually connected to. I think of a million things when I hear your name, and just something about every single thing about you is in my mind as the things you do that make up who you are which is what is so special to me. I don't know, I can't explain it obviously, so I'll stop trying. You really can't put it into words. Alls I can say is the way you are feels so familiar and right to me, and that's what's party got me attached with a deadbolt to you.
Well, I'm gonna try and get sleep, it's 3:15 a.m. Nitey-nite. I love you very, very much, and I believe in you.
Love,
your wizzy :)
A page out of my journal on July 24th, 2001:
Gary - I LOVE YOU!! I know you hate me. But you are everything to me. I love you very, very much. I miss you :( If you had gotten on aol IM for 5 seconds, my life would be 500 times better. I love you sweetheart and I miss you.
God: I love gary. He is somebody who makes my life beautiful with love and passion. Don't take away this gift you have given me. Make me stronger, but never take away my passion and love of my life, which will only make me empty and cold inside. Gary is my heart, my soul, and my mind. He is everything.
Dear Gary: You are the other half of my heart. I am here for you, through good and bad. I care about you and you are a part of me. I will always you, I really love you.
November 16th 2001:
Dear Gary -
Sweetheart - you lost your feelings for me and I made the mistake by telling you I didn't want to talk to you anymore. Never in a million years would I have really meant it. We both got extremely hurt - you from taking it so seriously and me at the shock of how seriously you took it. I was lost - I cried for 2 days, couldn't stop, went into a depression, was lost and confused, and the pain was unbearable. So unbearable for both of us that we both shut our feelings off for each other in order to deal with the pain. I didn't realize that this was going on, and just this realization alone made me happy. Because I saw where we were going we started to really not care for each other. If we shut our feelings out for too long I know they will become permanent. So, I decided I'm not going to shut my feelings out. I'm going to stay strong and love you. No matter how much I get hurt after this or what i go through, I'm going to fight for you. If you decide to never talk to me again, it's okay because you'll know I kept my love strong and be left with that impression instead of the one of me trying to shut my feelings out. We can't rebuild a new friendship over what happened - it won't last through anything. But if we, or at least *I* keep it strong and be strong it will be more than that even if it doesn't last either *it depends on if you learn that the feelings aren't real or not).
BUT I LOVE YOU. I love you with all my heart Gary, and I'm going to keep that in my heart forever.
December 3rd, 2001:
Dear sweetheart-
I'm worried and scared. Of what? Of losing you. I mean I'll never lose you in my mind but I need you here mi angel :( and you haven't been getting online. I miss you so much. I'm convinced you didn't lose your feelings kinda, but what's going on??
I'm scared and worried sweetheart. I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU GARY.
-Liz
February 6th, 2002:
DEAR GOD, NEVER TAKE MY BEAUTY AWAY FROM ME. Gary I love you, you are the best thing in my life.
I love you so much Gary .I always will. You are my beauty, my pure heart. Nobody will ever compare to you, no matter what happens. Throughout my whole life I will be loving you and really only you. You have been a part of my passion in life for years - no ne will ever replace that. You are a part of my dreams and a part of my soul. You are so beautiful. When I think of the pictures you showed me I see nothing but the result of me looking at you through the eyes of my passion. You fit in with roses, with my parrots, you fit in with life, with my perspective of life and you clearly belong there.
Gary, I love you. I'm gonna go to bed for a couple more hours. I love you very much, night sweetheart. Get good sleep.
Love, Liz
October 1st, 2002:
to my angel <3
Oh my freakin god. Im finally writing in here again. I am in Portland, Oregon (as you know) and just moved here. I am trying to get my life started here and trying to figure out what I want.
You are still the center of my life. I think about you every day, knowing you are the right one - we belong to each other for that reason. You and I both know we are soulmates. And it's hard because I enjoy all the company of other guys, but in general, in that aspect of my life at least, I know I am an unhappy person. If I had you back in my life, the way things were, I would be the happiest girl in the world. And I guess that's why I am continually searching for someone to share that similar connection with, and trying to make something of this loneliness and emptiness I feel without you.
I am so used to getting no response from you, but when I look back at the beginning of this book, or at our old convos, I see that you used to care for me the same way I do now for you, until you lost your feelings. It's like a surprising thing to me now to remember that you loved me too...and for a split second, I think god, I am so unlucky that this happened to me, I am such an idiot. And then I realize how much of an idiot I really am knowing that I should be, and AM, very grateful for even having met you, since you showed me what love was and changed my life, teaching me so many things. But god I wish you had come later in my life, at the point where I had the knowledge already not to take you for granted, and the knowledge of how to handle feelings that strong with a relationship. That way, we could be together forever, the way it should be.
I love you angel. Good night.
-Liz