(FRANK is sitting in a chair staring into space. He is dressed for travel, and there is a packed suitcase next to him.)
CLAUDIA: (Enters) Oh, Frank. I have some horrible news.
FRANK: What news could be more horrible than the news I�ve already heard?
CLAUDIA: But this is really bad. Melly was found washed up on the shore this morning. She was stoned to death by jellyfish.
FRANK: She was the kindest person I ever knew. I always loved it when I got her as my Secret Pal. She had really pretty handwriting and lots of different colored pens. So, she�s dead? That makes it convenient for you, doesn�t it?
CLAUDIA: Whatever do you mean?
FRANK: I mean now that Melly is dead, your precious dreams of Ashley can come true.
CLAUDIA: But, Frank, I never really loved Ashley.
FRANK: You certainly gave a good junior high imitation of it until now.
CLAUDIA: Oh, you know how I am � I say one thing one minute and mean another thing the next. You know I�m always doing crazy things like that. (She does her infamous Claudia screech laugh.)
FRANK: Well, it�s too late now. Nothing matters to me now that Tabby is gone. I wanted to see her win the Olympic gold medal in yachting in Savannah in 1996, but that won�t happen now. (He picks up his suitcase and starts to leave.)
CLAUDIA: Where are you going?
FRANK: I�m leaving you.
CLAUDIA: Surely you can�t be serious?
FRANK: I am serious. And don�t call me Shirley. My name is Frank.
CLAUDIA: (Desperately) Frank! Please don�t go! I realize I love you now!
FRANK: It�s a little late for that. But before I leave, could you make me a ham sandwich for the road?
CLAUDIA: (Spoken dramatically, as if her words are destined to go down in history) Frank, dear, I don�t give a ham.
(FRANK leaves, and CLAUDIA falls to the floor in tears.)
CLAUDIA: Oh, no! What am I going to do without him? Who�s going to wake me up when I fall asleep in the Prayer Chapel? (Thinking) Oh, fiddle-dee-dee! I won�t think about that now � I�ll think about that tomorrow. But I must think about it. Oh, whatever shall I do? What is there left to live for?
(CLAUDIA sinks completely to the floor and sobs. When she starts to hear voices, she sits up and looks all around, like she�s trying to find out where they�re coming from.)
VOICE OF DAVID: Katie Claudia O�Wesley � Tabby�s the only thing in the world worth working for, worth fighting for, worth dying
for � tabby ... tabby ...
VOICE OF ASHLEY: Don�t be a twerp, Claud � There�s something you love better than me, though you may not know it now � tabby ... tabby ...
CLAUDIA: (Standing with renewed strength) Fire up! Yes, I still have Tabby! I�ll go back to Epworth Oaks! And tomorrow I�ll think of some way to get another husband! Afterall � there will also be another Mark!
(As CLAUDIA gives her final soliloquy, The Tabby theme swells to a thunderous finale. Shouts and wild cheering are heard, with demands for a sequel ...)
THE END
