Claudia or Mealanie because she don't know nuthin' 'bout drivin' no bus
(MELANIE is still on the floor. SISSY is sneaking through all the counselors� mailboxes. CLAUDIA enters, exhausted.)
SISSY: (Jumping away from the mailboxes) Is Mr. Frank come?
CLAUDIA: No, Sissy. There�s nobody to come. They�re dropping like flies in the dining hall. You�ll have to drive the bus yourself.
SISSY: (Terrified) Lawzy, Miss Claudia!
CLAUDIA: What is it?
SISSY: Lawzy, we�s got to have Mr. Frank! I don�t know nuthin� �bout drivin� no bus!
CLAUDIA: (Shocked) But you told me you knew everything about it!
SISSY: (Cowering) I don�t know how come I tell such a lie! I ain�t never ridden no bus in my life!
CLAUDIA: (Slapping her with all her might) You hush up and sit in that corner and don�t move! You�re carrying twenty trays at supper tonight!
PORK AND BEANS: (Entering) Miss Claudia, m�am?
CLAUDIA: (Annoyed) Yes, Pork and Beans, what is it?
PORK AND BEANS: I�ve got some bad news. I done found out we gonna have to pay for that there contact paper that disappeared.
CLAUDIA: Well, how much do we have to pay?
PORK AND BEANS: (Shaking his head sadly) I heard it was gonna cost three hundred dollars.
CLAUDIA: I don�t have that kind of money! Certainly not on my salary! I�m so poor my clothes don�t even match. (Thinking a mile a minute) What am I going to do? I could sell my nametag. But it�s only worth fifty cents. I know! I can ask Ashley!
PORK AND BEANS: Mr. Ashley ain�t got that kind of money, Miss Claudia.
CLAUDIA: Well, I can ask him if I want to, can�t I?
PORK AND BEANS: (Shaking his head) Askin� ain�t gittin�.
CLAUDIA: Go get Mr. Ashley, and send him in here. He�s out somewhere picking shells off the walls.
(PORK AND BEANS exits. ASHLEY enters.)
CLAUDIA: (Desperately) Oh, Ashley! Have you heard the latest? We�ve got to pay three hundred dollars for all that contact paper that disappeared.
ASHLEY: Well, I certainly don�t have that kind of money, Claud. I spent all my money on Nerds and Slush Puppies.
CLAUDIA: Oh, Ashley, I�m so very tired of this camp. I�m so very tired of it all! I work and work and work. And for what? Just to get a couple of bookmarks signed, �Your Secret Pal.� (Thinking again) Oh, Ashley, let�s run away! Let�s go to Hotlanta! I�ve heard it�s so exciting there! I want to see what a big city is like! Alan could show us all the hot spots! We�d be so happy there!
ASHLEY: I could never leave camp, Claud. I can�t wait to see what I get next from my secret pal. Besides, I couldn�t leave Melanie � especially not now that I�ve just heard she�s going to have a baby. (Reverently) We�re going to name him Thaddeus.
CLAUDIA: (Defeated) Then there�s nothing left for me here. Nothing at all left to live for.
ASHLEY: Yes, there is, Claud. There�s something you love better than me, though you may not know it now. (He presses a handful of tabby shells into her hand.) Tabby. Tabby.
CLAUDIA: (Cheered only a bit) Yes, I still have tabby. But I doubt if it�s worth $300.
MELANIE: (Sitting up) I believe I�m feeling better now.
ASHLEY: Oh, I�m so glad, my dear. Did Claud take good care of you?
MELANIE: Oh, yes, Ashley. She was as dear as anything. I do hate be such a bother, but I believe it is time for me to have little Thaddeus now.
ASHLEY: Little Thad?! Oh, no! To the Brunswick Clinic, quick! (He pulls MELANIE out the door.)
(FRANKENSTEIN KENNEDY enters)
CLAUDIA: (Disinterested) Oh, hello, Frankenstein Kennedy. How are you?
FRANK: Oh, I�m great � just great.
CLAUDIA: So, what have you been doing with yourself lately?
FRANK: Oh, I�ve just been making money.
CLAUDIA: (Curiosity peaked) Making money? How have you been doing that?
FRANK: (Confidently) I�ve been selling Pepto Bismol and Alka Seltzer to the Seniors as they come out of the dining hall. They say I�m just a born merchant.
CLAUDIA: (Suddenly very interested) Are you doing as well as all that?
FRANK: Well, I�m mighty encouraged, Miss Claudia. Today alone I cleared over three hundred dollars.
CLAUDIA: (Giving the audience a devilish look) Three hundred dollars??
(FRANK starts to leave, but CLAUDIA pulls him back and puts her hands in his pockets.)
CLAUDIA: (To audience, with fiery passion) As God is my witness, this camp is not going to lick me! I�m going to live through Senior Assembly, and when it�s all over, I�ll never eat Epworth food again! If I have to eat at Hardees and work at the Laundromat! As God is my witness � I�ll never be a camp counselor again!
(As CLAUDIA gives her oath, the Tabby Theme reaches a passionate climate.)
