Ebony's Old Journal Entries
Thursday, February 26, 2004 10:52 PM Okay, well I just made this and I have to get used to it, but I will real quick...it's 10:46, I'm tired as hell and can't sleep...I got school tomorrow and homework still to do...joy...I was happy earlier today, then really good and happy, then it all went away, but now I'm just a bit melo...idk it's weird...anyway got stuff to do, I'll get better at this later... Saturday, February 28, 2004 8:08 PM Hey...oy, I'm so bored...damn comp kicked me off on Friday whan i ran out of time...went to my sissy's house for our sleepover...that was fun as always, but I walked in my mom's room when i got home to check in and see how her trip went (she'd gone out of town) and we ended up fighting...home not even 5 damn min and I'm getting yelled at...bout an hour later I talked her into letting a friend come over, so that was good (haha....love her little rule-- "no entertaining boy's in the bedroom though, I want you two upstairs"...it's a little new, a few months ago we didn't have that...idk). Then he had to go.*cry* but he called and I had to ask my mom something, and she started yelling at me, with him right there on the phone....idk...I give up... Monday, March 01, 2004 1:08 AM Okay, so it's late, I'm tired as hell, and I have this stupid report I just finished, that's due in a few hours when I have school. I'm so fuckin tired it's not funny. I haven't really slept well at all thses past few weeks and now it's getting to me. I swear one of these days i'm going to be told by docters (who trusts them anyway?) that I have a sleeping disorder...althought even with my situation i doubt it. It may have to do with the fact that i live off caffine, but idk, i just know i'm tired and can't ever sleep well...My mom and I arent talking much, but then again we never do unless one needs something or i have to check in. I swear i live in a basement apartment or something, i only go up there for dfood and bathroom seriously...but yea. Idk it's weird here. I suppose by tomorro w if it hasn't already everything with my mom will blow off, till i manage to piss her off again without doing anything like usual...idk...i wanted to go to my sissy's concert to day, i had a lot of friends in it too, but i over slept and my mom wasn't in a good mood, so it didn't happen. i sat around all day on the phone with my buddy that came over Saturday, talking to him for like 4-6 hours, and sat on the internet, avvoiding my homework and family as usual. Things just tend to work out for the best this way...i guess...so isn't this fun... and then tonight, my sissy and i also sorta were fighting a bit on my sleeping, homework, and caffine habits...now i feel really bad, cause wshe was only trying to help...grrr, why do i do all this stupid shit? someday i'll just learn to shut up and take what i'm given...well yea..okay i'm tired as hell, i'm gunna try to sleep for the few hours i have eft till school...'night...~Ebony 9:22 PM I'm not feeling that well...I went to a building session w/ Devin, Jess, Nick, & Cat tonight. That was actually really fun, and this time i didn't get in an trouble either. I also learned that the janitors at the HS are really kewl, they seem to like me, and Devin's in really good w/ em too.But then Devin and I were waiting for our ride from Bobby and Meg, and my headache and tiredness came back....i'm so fucking damn tired!! and my head hurts like a bitch!! idk....i just wish i could sleep for once this month...Devin says he's gunna try to help find a way to get me sleeping okay like i used to...meds or sumpin, even though i promised no meds to help support him staying clean, he dun care no more...i swear he's so sweet!...oy, and next i'm gunna be gettin yelled at for my thoughts so i'm just gunna shut up before i dig myself deeper...'night... 10:55 PM joy....just finished my 4 year plan for High School...doesn't this look like fun? Ninth Grade Schedual English 1- required World Studies1- required Phys. Science- required Geometry-required girls Gym/Health- required Spanish 1- required Concert Chior- elective Tenth Grade Schedual English 2- required World Studies 2- required Bioligy 1- required Algebra 2- required Keyboarding 1- required Spanish 2- required Concert Choir- elective Eleventh Grade Schedual English 3- required American Gov./Comps 1- required Physics- required Trig- required Art 1- elective Spanish 3- required Concert Choir- elective Twelfth Grade Schedual English 101-102 - required American History- required Drawing & Painting 1- elective Calc- required Ceramics 1 & 2- elective Spanish 4- required Concert Choir- elective Tuesday, March 02, 2004 6:31 PM lol, i actually had a basicly great day today. Devin tattooed (sharpie, not real aww) a butterfly on my stomach last night at the HS build session, and then last night, I ACTUALLY SLEPT!!! YAY!!! man i was hyper as hell in the morning, then i slept through my 3rd class, and then i kept nodding off my 7th hour too! lol!!! but the point is i slept!!! gotta type my final, for that report i had been avoiding...it was funny, 2 pgs handwritten was all that was required, but i wrote 3 and like 3/4ths and i have tiny hand writing, so it was funny, and i only spent like an hour + passing out while doing it, so that was fun. But yea, if i turn it in by tomorrow i get 15pts extra cedit! lol i already have a 101% lol, anyway ttyl ~Ebony Tuesday, March 02, 2004 11:08 PM i just hurt one of the people most important in this world to me....i'm so sorry...i'm crying my eyes out...and i don't know what i can do....he was always trying to get through his friend/ex sorta i've sat here listening with all my heart, trying to help them...and everything was seeming to be pulling through okay...i'm wanted to tell him....but i didn't want to hurt him too....people have hurt him so much....and now i'm one of them...i couldn't keep it any longer, he'd just get more hurt, but he's still hurt...and it's my fault...it's all my fault...like it all is...it's my fault...i'm tired of hurting people....i'm tired of pleasing people... nearly breaking my back for them...no matter what i do...i always hurt them in the end...it's my fault, and i'm so sorry. i'm sorry...i'm sorry for all the pain, everyone's....i should have been there more, i should have told him, i should have stopped it long ago...i fucked up...like i always do...i'm sorry, i'm so damn fucking sorry....i won't do it anymore...i won't bend over backwards to help others...i'm only goin g to hurt them too......i'm sorry....so sorry....i'm leaving...i won't do it anymore...i have to leave them...before i hurt them...i'm so fucking sorry...i'm learning this time though...i won't please another person be it with or against my will again...i'm done...i need to leave....before i do this again to someone i love...i'm sorry, i'm so damn sorry...i'm sorry for it all, the pain i caused him, myself, others...i'm so damn sorry...someday i'll accept my place in life...alone loving no other as not to hurt them....i'm sorry i'm so fucking god damned sorry.....i'm sorry! *cries more* Wednesday, March 03, 2004 6:22 PM someday i'll find my way i'll make it all okay someday i'll give no pain i'll never cause another strain someday those i love won't hurt they'll be so happy, each could sing their own concert this may require my leaving it may require my death, or maybe just me to learn for life so be it i'll do what i can because there will be a some day, a day for all to be okay for there to be no pain never again they'll strain i don't care about any other someday i wish for only this those i love happy, no hurt wether i'm there or not, i'll hear them sing their concert and i'll know someday is here ~ �Ebony Vwensneldez 6:18pm March 3, 04
