So me and a few of my friends here were minding our own business last night, on the bus to the harness track to watch the ponies and we start talking about how President Bush had a BBQ with the PM and Steve Irwin (among other 'dignitaries') after being assualted by some protestors in Canberra with terrible hygene (Jesse please tell me you were not one of the guys with the dread locks heaving soda cans at security guards) and this guy wearing a suit behind us goes "So, are you guys American, or Canadian?". Obviously we did NOT say Canadian. I mean, is Canada still a country, or what? I thought they went the way of Prussia, and the Ottomon Empire? Anyways, he then proceeds to hand us some "literature" of his, entitled THE MEDIA LIES ("I've got some literature in my car that will change your life"). Good enough premise, I mean, that's totally plausible to me. So I start reading. As I begin to read I notice that he gets up and walks to the back of the bus and sits by himself in the back corner. Odd enough, unless he's Pee Wee Herman and he has a trench coat on. Once I read his dissertation, I realized that I too would not want to be standing behind the person reading it either. To outline his basic argument, he is proposing that Rupert Murdoch, and the evil Fox Conglomerate, are unlawfully filming his daily life for a reality tv show a la "The Truman Show". I would like everyone to imagine this man's plight for a moment, as he has described it to me and countless others. Imagine if Rupert Murdoch paid people to sell you drugs (so far so good) and be your friends (isn't that the role of Fraternities?)? Imagine if Rupert Murdoch paid or manipulated every single citizen in the entire world to lie to you because the ratings from some crappy reality based tv show would somehow offset a major debt to 5 billion people. Imagine if Rupert Murodch didn't allow you to see your two children, presumably ugly or affected by drug use by the mother during pregnancy, and told them you were mentally unfit and a drug addict. Imagine if the police came to your door at two am and forced you to go to the hospital, and then the hopsital staff drugged you up on serums to brain wash you and make you forget what has happened to you. Imagine if Rupert Murdoch (who my cab driver last night said is part of a vast conspiracy within the Jewish Media to control the federal reserve bank in Australia via FoxtTel- he actually said this, but this is a different, anti semitic conspiracy theory, and we have no time for that today) and 'the corporation' (The Million Dollar Man Ted Debiase and Virgil?) somehow convinced every person in the world to to deny you legal representation and to deny your involvement in said reality tv show. I assure you, citizens, that this risk is very real, and very near. In fact, Donald Rumsfeld has just decided that the War on Fox trumps the War on Terror, and we have begun bombing Murdoch's evil liar deep in the Andes mountains without avail (clearly this type of job requires Sean Connery and some kind of extraordinary league). Do not let this man suffer needlesssly. As per his request on his crib note sheet that he printed out, I would inform all of you that it is your obligation as humanitarians and good samaritans to HELP THIS MAN free himself from the shackles of opression. How long can we tolerate this kind of behavior from the Fox empire? First Geraldo, now this? Shows about farm animals having sex with Whelpley's mom are one thing (or did I just see that on the internet?), but stripping a man of his past present and future is just plain diabolical. Not to mention that we all have obviously played part in this human tragedy. This being said, I put it to you now to find this man appropriate legal recourse. My sources have indicated that both Johnny Cochran and Robert Shapiro are available for the appropriate price, and F. Lee Bailey is considering taking on the case as third chair pro bono. That is, if 'the corporation' hasn't gotten to them too already. General, you may have to whore yourself out to the lower east side (are you guys talking about the west side? no Sheryl, i'm afraid of you) to come up with some of the money. Take one for the team, son.

-Steve Beaty