| Lately, I've run across some rather disturbing news headlines in the papers that I feel I should share with you. |
| Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead Article By Hugh Jass On the weekend, at Killbear Provincial Park, the Jones family was enjoying a delicious meal of smoked salmon when Tenderheart and his Care Bear friends emerged from the woods. Cody Jones took control, immediately grabbing his shot gun and firing off a few shells into the air to scare the attackers away. Unfourtunately, the bears ignored this warning and continued chewing on six year old Timmy Jones's arm. Cody, afraid for his family's life, shot and killed Tenderheart, Funshine, Wish Bear, Love-a-lot, Cheer Bear, Friend Bear, Grumpy Bear, Secret Bear, Goodluck Bear, Birthday Bear, Share Bear, Bedtime Bear, Harmony Bear, True Heart Bear, Grams Bear, Hugs Cub, Tugs Cub and Champ. |
| Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia Article By Mike Rochtickles Cancer specialists all over the world have now concluded what I, personally, have known for months: Garfield the Cat has feline leukemia. John must be crushed. And Odie, I heard, is crying rivers. Garfield has always held a special place in our hearts, and I'm sure that lovable, sarcastic cat will continue to hold his place within us long after he has passed. "I've always had a weird lump on my ass," said Garfield, "I thought it was only a hemorrhoid." Despite his past carelessness, I'm sure our furry friend will take better care of his anal surroundings when he enters the great pearly gates. Till we meet again, Garfield. |