�What was that?� Tonya asked
�Hell if I know, let�s get hell out of this popcorn field� replied Zeke �this place gives me the creeps.�
Tonya and Zeke were walking home after the 23rd Annual Drunken Barn Dance. They were taking Tonya�s suggested �shortcut� through Farmer John�s popcorn fields. They were trying to get through the immense bushes of toffee corn when they herd a rustling coming from the Mint Chocolate Patch.
�I heard it again Zeke!�
�Well, get behind me then�
�Sure, whatever.�
As Tonya sarcastically muttered that, a large 9 foot tall Bunny with Blue Utters and red polka dots romped out of the Mint Kernels into the clearing.
�Wholly shit!� screeched Tonya
�It�ll be ok,� Zeke said shockingly while picking up a few unborn popcorn husks �just get behind me�
�And what the fuck are you gonna do? Feed it to death? You fucking pansy� She yelled.
�For god�s sake shut up!! I know what I�m doing� Zeke said.
He then got out a lighter and lit the end of the popcorn husks. The Utter-Bunny, busy eating cheesy-corn, didn�t notice this at all. Zeke then threw the husks near the bunny and said �run� in a hushed voice. They then took off through the peanut butter clusters and stopped just in time to see the husks explode and the bunny break into a lot of teeny little pieces.
�What in the..� Tony said confused
�Spicy Hot Kernels� replied Zeke with a chuckle �dynamite of a flavor, don�t you agree?�
�Shut up, smart ass�
�Ok� Zeke muttered as they strolled onward
After the Parmesan Garlic Patch, they ran into a Tofu and Black Bean Restaurant called �Flavorless Gas�. They thought it seemed charming and decided to go in. When the potbelly Pig on Wheels asked where they�d like to lie down, they asked if they could have the highchairs with the dinkalies on them. As The four footed Blue Jay tried to help Tonya into her highchair, Zeke tried to explain the nights events.
�And after Mr. Henry kicked us out of the dance for lighting his daughter on fire, we tried getting home through these popcorn fields through the Goddess of Genius�s Suggestion.� Zeke said sarcastically
�Fuck off� Tonya said in a muffled mouth of Tofu and Beans.
�Haa-Haa-Henry really doesn�t like his daughter being torched, hu?� said the blue jay
�You have no idea,� Zeke exasperated
He then went on to explain the situation with the Strange Utter-Bunny in the popcorn field. By the end of the story, everyone in the eatery had finished their tofu and was listening closely.
�My God!!� the Lobster with a large teal nose said, �I didn�t know they came in red polka dots! How strange!�
�You mean you know about these things?� Tonya squeaked
�Better than you know your mom� The Lobster said mockingly
Tonya gasped �my moms died when I was a baby, you god damn ugly sea thing�
�Well, then I guess I was right� chuckled the lobster. �Do you want to know about the creation of the Utter-Bunnies?�
�Do we ever!� Zeke said all too eagerly �What was their creation like?�
�Ok!� the lobster smiled �have you ever seen Beauty and the Beast?�
�Yes, I have� Zeke said, jumping at the sound of his favorite movie.
�Well, it was completely and totally nothing like that in any aspect� the lobster laughed
�Oh� Zeke said with a disappointed sigh
With a smirk, Tonya giggled �Boy I�d like some Lobster Stew�
The Lobsters eyes grew and he said, �Ok, ok, ok. You know of Dr.Frankenstine? Well. He created those kinds of creatures after the success of the Frankenstein�s Monster. He crossbred Bunnies with Cows and fed them miracle grow. They became known as the 9-foot terrors with four tits, or the Utter Bunnies.
When the bunnies became too powerful and intelligent for the Doctor to control, they ate him with a delicious lime sauce and took over his laboratory, creating a factory for Utter Bunnies. 7 and 10/6 years ago, we send a group of diabetic 100-year-old ladies with trucks full of Fudge-Marshmallow cookies to investigate the area� the Lobster gasped, and wiped a tear from his antenna-like eye �they never returned!!�
�My god� said Tonya �they must be all over the place now�
�No,� the lobster said, �they can�t leave the city limits. Before the doctor died he set up one of those invisible fences around the city and the shocking mechanism is in one of the genes of the bunnies. They can�t leave at all."
�Well,� Tonya said, �where is this laboratory?�
�Oohhh ohhhh I know this one!!� squealed Zeke �Its right out on the edge of town by your house, Tonya�
Zeke then pointed at a big arrow that said �Scary Mountain next to Tonya�s house is Owned By Dr.Frankenstine and taken over by the Utter Bunnies. Please don�t trespass or we will have to eat you in a creamy lime sauce.�
�Whoa, never saw that before� Tonya said solemnly
�Why don�t you kids go home, its 12-29 and nearing 12-30, if you don�t hurry your onion will turn back into a cabbage and you wont be able to fly among the cheese sticks.� The Penguin with One eye said.
So they went home because they know not to mess with a Penguin when he has misplaced his eyeball.
The Next day, Zeke woke up with a layer of confusion around him. He pulled it off and called Tonya and to see what happened. He was convinced that there had to be some kind of hallucinogenic drug involved.
�No, Zeke, We weren�t on Acid or �Shrooms or anything like that. This really happened, and we need to check this out before those bunnies burrow into the water canyons.� Tonya said, now fully awake and excited.
�Ok, ok, ok. But I still can�t believe that Farmer John planted Chocolate Mint Kernels. It�s like a dream come true. So unbelievable I�m sure we were on drugs. Anyway, what do you think we should do?� Zeke yawned
�We investigate!� she shouted �you get the whoopee cushion and rubber chicken, ill get the flashlights and octopus ink. That�s about all we�ll need besides 30 snickers bars and one Twix�
And off they went, exploring the mountain right next to Tonya's House. They fought over the Twix bar for along time, until they got into a purple canyon made out of gumballs. There were strange mirrors all over the place and shadows jumping from wall to wall, reflecting off of the mirrors.
�Right��Zeke confusingly said, "why gum balls?"
�Why not?� Tonya smiled and licked a wall �its sooooo good, try it�
They both were licking walls and quite enjoying the watermelon flavor until they were poked in the back with a sharp, jagged object. Upon turning around, they saw ten or Twelve Large Utter-Bunnies bearing Spears. They said �don�t talk or we�ll poke you� and Tonya and Zeke did as told. Soundlessly, they were led by the bunnies up the mountains and to the laboratory. Zeke did not like being poked.
Once in the laboratory, they were put into a large, Open space near the entrance of the laboratory, with no cages nor bars or any kind of retraining devices. The doors to the laboratory were open and both Tonya and Zeke sat in large fluffy couches unguarded.
�How ever will we escape!� yelped Tonya, her face covered with a mixture of sheer terror and whipped cream.
�I don�t know, Tonya.� Zeke solemnly muttered from within the depths of his amazingly comfortable chair. �I don�t know.�
They both plotted for about 7 minutes before giving up all hope. Then they were wheeled to the Television by the baby witch from �Bewitched� and forced to watch the television show of their choice while eating the food of their choice for the next 3 hours. It was sheer torture, and when it was over they didn�t quite understand how they had survived. Then every second letter of their first name was called over the loud speaker.
� O Y ! E E! � Called the mysterious voice. �COME TO ME! UP THE STAIRS! YOU WILL BE LED BY THE SHORT FAT BOY THE RED SWEATER WITH THE CATTLE PROD!�
�I�m not fat! I�m Big Bone! God Damn It!� cried the little boy. They both agreed, but laughed to themselves about the sheer obesity of the small child. He did a very bad impression of Eric Cartmen.
And so they were led up the stairs. They passed many strange doors with many strange things within the doors. One had Brittany Spears laid dead on the floor with her head placed nicely on a wooden plate on the wall. Another room had the Taco Bell dog taking German lessons from the preserved brain of Wile E. Coyote. This was a plainly the snack bar.
They continued up the stairs, continuously amazed by the obscurity of the objects within the little rooms. At the top of the stairs, there was a long purple hallway. Towards the end, there were 3 doors that rotated on the ceiling. They ignored those and went out the door that said, �exit this way�. The door lied, because there was another purple hallway, but this time filled with little rooms much like those of the ones running up the stairs. Peering into each one for only a second, they walked to the end of the hallway. Again, a brown wood door with a white sign �Exit This Way�. This pattern repeated.
Many rooms and many corridors later, they reached a large melting door that smelt like Ju-Ju Beans.
�What is a Ju-Ju bean?� asked Zeke.
Tonya Hissed and elbowed Zeke in the gut �We aren�t at that part yet!�
�WE HAVE REACHED THE JU-JU BEAN DOOR!� squealed the obese boy.
�Oh�� Zeke said, rolling his foot on the carpet �so..Uhm�what is a Ju-Ju bean?�
�That is not of importance, insolent fool!� snapped the red-clad stump boy
Tonya then whispered to Zeke �What a very pointless part of the script�
The cattle-prod-welding child pushed open the disgusting sticky melting door. Inside was what appeared to be a tree house with a broken lawn chair and a child�s chemistry set on a card table. Completely oblivious to his evil surroundings, Zeke let out a series of laughter.
�OH MAN!� Zeke rolled on the floor laughed while examining the place. �Your lab freaking sucks! Ha! What a LOSER!�
Zeke was shocked with a cattle prod. He then went limp and passed out. Since the whole story is in Zeke�s point of view, we kind of have to stop here�go get something to eat�go for a walk. Any thing. He�ll be out for awhile.
No. That was a joke. It was just Narration Fun. Sorry. It won�t happen again. Anyway, while Zeke was out, he was tied to the wooden floor of the so-called �laboratory�. Tonya, being the stuck up bitch she was, watched him and laughed to herself. The sight of Zeke being tied up by a fat child amused her, and her smile was from cheek to cheek, as most smiles are. Non of that ear to ear stuff here. That�s silly.
Zeke was still unconscious when the Writer decided to switch between third person limited and omniscient without warning to confuse the reader. He couldn�t remember what view he was writing in before, and thought about how funny the readers� faces would look as the point of view changed that much. He smiled, but for the sake of the reader, decided to make the story make as much sense as the rest of it had.
Tonya, her dirty blond hair covering the left side of her pale face, let a tear fall to her green shirt. After Zeke had become securely bound, she also was tied up. Her jeans rubbed against the splintered wooden floor. She looked to her friend Zeke, wondering if ever she would see him again. His brown hair had fallen along the sides� of his face. Drool from his large lips, on account of his unconsciousness, fell to his goatee to his red shirt. She wondered why he wore shorts when they were going to an evil scientist�s lair. She made no sense of it. She just hoped luck would find its way to this laboratory and to Zeke and her. Tonya's thoughts are very descriptive. She delves into deep contemplative thought. Zeke, However, is a simple-minded fool. Sadly this story is based around his view.
Zeke regained consciousness after about 15 minutes. Before he opened his eyes, he remembered where he was and jolted up. SMACK. He hit his head on the top bunk. He looked around and saw he was in his bed. Relieved, he plopped back into his pillow. He looked next to him and saw an attentive Tonya staring back. Shocked, he fell out the side of his bed.
�It�s just a dream, Dork� Tonya said quietly, and kicked his head.
Zeke was dreaming. No one would ever sleep in his bed. He was sill bound to the floor next to a sobbing Tonya trying to convince her-self �it�s just a dream�. HAHAHAHA! Had you going, didn�t I? YEA! You thought the story was over! SUCKER! HaHaHaHaHa! Oh�wait�I promised I wouldn�t do this anymore�ahem�back to the story.
The Tree house was silent. The Ice cream man wore a colorful vest. �Give me freedom with sprinkles and syrup,� said he. There was no one-to object. He attained his desires, and then he fell into blissful nightmares. Zeke disagreed.
�Who tied me up? I mean, besides the obvious,� said Zeke, as he glared at the fat child
�IT WAS I! I TIED YOU UP!� a booming voice echoes and shook the floor. �ISNT IT FUN? ISN'T IT? SAY IT IS!�
�Uh,.. No.� Tonya said. She was obviously feeling better. She was a sarcastic wench again.
�How DARE you!� said the booming voice. It sounded like a cross between Jerry Lewis and Barry White. Just think about that for awhile.
Out of the shadows came a stout fellow wearing a purple cape and no underpants. Thankfully he had pants on. Any-who, The cape-wearing midget laughed a great laugh. He told of how he was the soul heir of Dr. Frankenstine and under full control of the Utter-Bunnies. He told us of this, because the subject of the story is supposed to be of the bunnies. To be honest, we�ve gone WAY off course. ANYWAY, Frankenstine Jr. controlled the Laboratory. He killed his father and fed him to the Utter-Bunnies with a lime sauce to gain control of the majestic beasts that his father did not understand.
�Hey Tonya� hushed Zeke
�What?� Tonya responded
Zeke looked to the corner �Where did those shadows come from? This is a heavily lighted room. Why would there be a shadow when nothing is there to cast it?�
Tonya shook her head and smiled �Don�t question the laws of physics and logic! Shadows come as they may! We all know that. They have a mind of their own!�
Zeke returned a blank stare. He was obviously confused. He wished he wasn�t bound to the floor. Then it all made sense. Zeke remembered the Genie Lamp in his pocket. He took his hang out of his pants and put them into his pocket. He rubbed. Suddenly a green steam came out of Zeke's pants.
�Ok, That�s just disgusting,� said the Doctor
�I�m going to have to side with the Doctor on that, zeke. What are you doing?� Tonya said. A disgusted look covered her face.
�Just trust me!� zeke cheerfully said. He seemed chipper.
The smoke filled the air. Slowly it formed a vest-clad genie staring impatiently at zeke. He was green. The only hair on his head was in a ponytail at the back. He had massive bushy eyebrows. He spoke with crackers in his mouth.
�What do you want?� said Bill. That�s the genie's name. I couldn�t think of anything good.
�ZEKE! You had a genie this whole time? You are so fired!� Tonya yelped. If she could turn over, she would have.
The genie lit zeke on fire. He laughed, then put it out.
Tonya shot evil glances at the genie �that wasn�t a wish, oh masterful genie of logic.�
�Oh, I know� laughed the genie. �I just wanted to set him on fire. He�s annoying. SOOOO anyway. What about this wish thing?�
�Hum�� zeke said, examining his 4th degree burns. �Well, id really appreciate it if you�d make Tonya and I untied and tied up the doctor and the fat kid.
�Are you all fine with this?� questioned Bill
�Hell yea!� said the fat child
Suddenly smoke filled the air. When it settled down, Tonya and zeke were free, and the doctor and the fat kid were tied up. The doctor still had on no underpants. Bill laughed at this, then the penguin with one eye kissed him, and they both rode away on a miniature train set.
�Hey fat nameless kid henchmen� said Frankenstine Jr.
�What?�
�Why did you agree to BEING TIED UP?� he said. He was quite mad, neither of their characters fully developed.
�I don�t know.� The child spoke surely at first, then he muttered �it sounded kind of kinky�
�What did you say?� The doctor asked.
The child replied in a confident voice again �hum, I really want a slinky.�
The two bickered like ninnies. Back in town, Farmer John�s popcorn field became desecrated because no one put out the little burning pieces of the bunny at the beginning of the story. Farmer john didn�t know why the kids were so reckless, and was left with a field of popped corn that the muskrats took to their underground kingdom. Muskrats are very blue and like cotton candy. They chose popcorn because it was there and they were hungry. They didn�t want it to go to waste, because it started to rain. It hadn�t rained in 4 months, and this was a nice change. Also, it was strange.
Indeed it was strange. If anyone looked to the west, they would have noticed concentrated black clouds over the mountain. It was also strange there was even a mountain there, since they are in Ohio. But who are they to complain? The laboratory was being hit by lightening and the power went out. The doors all down the corridors and stairs opened and the experiments got out in the confusion of the darkness. Barbie was delighted.
Lightning hit the laboratory fortress again, and all the power returned. Sirens went off to warn that the mutations had escaped. All except Brittany Spears, because she was dead. Zeke grabbed Tonya by the wrists and began to run. Her cutting lines bled under the pressure.
�Let go of my wrists!� Tonya cried
�Oh god� zeke screamed. He put his finger to his mouth and winked �your blood tastes good�
They looked at each other and both smiled. It had never actually been apparent why they were friends before, but now you could see it was because of their secret lust for blood. Zeke tore himself away from her gaze and searched a bookcase that was in the kitchen of the mansion. He read the titles of the books until he found the one he was looking for. Snuggled between the Kama Sutra and Babies for Brunch there was How to destroy the Utter Bunnies in 4 easy steps. He picked it up and said, �I found it!�
They ran away from the old tree-house room. The Ju-Ju door ate Tonya. Just kidding. They read as they ran. They ran as they read. They were multitasking indeed. The book helped them a lot. Zeke was illiterate, so Tonya read aloud:
Step one � Gather the Utter bunnies inside the mountain laboratory by ringing the cowbell in your pocket. The text was very large, and on the page next to it, there was a crayon picture of two kids ringing a bell and bunnies running up the mountain.
Step two � Lock the door. That way no bunnies can get away.
Step three � Pick your favorite bunny. Take off your hand and feed it to the bunny. Give it a name and hug it.
Step four � Throw the bunnies in a large vat of tapioca pudding. They don�t like tapioca. There should be a large pool of it next to the front door. Now the bunnies are dead.
Without question, they did as the book asked. Asmodeus, they named the large one-eyed Utter Rabbit. Tonya hugged him as it fed on Zeke�s hand. They pushed them all into the vat of pudding. They were all surprisingly gentle, and Asmodeus licked Zeke's head. Zeke began to love the bunny. He cried as he threw it into the pool of pudding and stomped in its face when it tried to escape its torture. Love is a hard thing to break.
When the screams of the last Utter-Bunny were over, They cleaned out the pool and filled it with water. Zeke and Tonya sat in Lawn Chairs around the pool and recapped the day�s events. They laughed. They cried. It was a spectacular day, and they hoped to do it again.
�Had the utter-Bunnies ever hurt anyone?� Zeke asked
�I don�t think so, now that I think about it� Tonya replied after a minute
�Hmm. Good thing we brutally slaughtered them all. They might have attacked us. There�s always the chance they could pose a threat to our society. We have top get rid of these threats. The Utter-Bunnies were plainly evil-doers� Zeke sat up while saying this and finished by slamming his fist into his Palm.
�Whoa!� Tonya excitingly said �good thing there aren�t world leaders like you�
Little did they know that Bruce, the deaf mute bunny, did not hear the bell at all. He picked up the news on his Walkman that the Utter Bunnies had been destroyed. He put himself in a milk cocoon and began the mitosis process. Within Hours, 100 new Utter-Bunnies roamed the streets, waiting for a sequel.