The pain that occurs is best illustrated by saying
I’m wearing a bulletproof vest and taking shots
To the chest constantly. It feels like someone’s
Hitting you in the chest with a sledgehammer, but
You don’t die.
You are stunned. You are knocked completely
Off of your feet and land on your ass and roll
Back until you are prone against the ground.
While you are lying there you ponder why is it
You don’t die.
After an epic span of time lying on your back
It becomes blatantly clear to you that things
Cannot continue as they currently are. Changes
Must be put into place and tested. Regardless,
You don’t die.
The first step is taken as you are back onto your
Feet and walking alertly within societal walls.
Something different is done today to try and
Create various motion if only one wave. Ride it,
It won’t kill you.
Surfing the crest and looking out onto the sands.
Studying the waters and planning a course that
Will grant you access all the way to the beach
And carefully place your feet on solid grounds.
It won’t kill you.
Even if the crystals of sand move from under your
Feet they are still stable enough to walk on. It is
A new island you have reached. It is a new beginning
You approach. Off the sand and on the earth you step.
It won’t kill you.
What is there to do here? Anything you want to. The
Biggest and hardest step has been taken. You have
Left the safe comforts of a life you once knew behind.
Now you must make a new life for yourself. Enjoy it.
This is my life.
I must overcome the same obstacles as you. I must
Conquer the same forces as you. I must use all my
Strength and skills to start back down the road of life.
The previous road led to a dead end but I will not quit.
This is my life.
Yes, all of these challenges are the ones I face every day
Since I found you, since I lost you. Each step is a new one.
Each step is a difficult one but one I must take. Each step
Is one I will myself to take. I struggle constantly but still I go on.
This is my life. Or at least an analogy of what every day is like for me.
I would rather have you die than have to watch or hear about you suffering through the curious love applied by another. No, I do not truly care to see your end. It is just a simple conclusion I have come to that I will never be able to celebrate life again. A fact that I can deal with capably enough this is. However, knowing there is a possibility for you to move on or pretend to move on and share your love and your self with somebody else who is undeserving of you drills my soul dry. Because, I know how right I am for you and how much you love and care about me. I can feel the desire you still contain within you for me because I feel the same desire and therefore am able to understand this magical bewilderment. But it is because of this remaining and unsettled sentiment between us that neither of us has been capable of moving on to other things, which some may call bigger and better but this is not possible given the greatness we once shared part of. There is a living connection that we as a relationship team have been unable to sever to date and it grows older and older with an apparent mortality that cannot be terminated without the one thing that has eluded both of us. The item we seek that is commonly deemed to be known as closure. We haven’t been able to take the time with one another since things went awry to discuss what happened. We haven’t taken the opportunity to fully comprehend one another’s feelings that were leftover upon our separation. And even more vital to our own sanity neither of us has made use of our time in a manner most beneficial to what is out there to be enjoyed from this earth without each other. We haven’t explored within the depths of the shell of the body cavity to search out what is contained. Unable to enjoy an inner peace just the same as unable to enjoy an outer peace the souls of two people lurk about and wander through the vast volumes of the universe such as the behavior of a nomad. And all of this because we fail to find closure and instead choose to seek out companionment elsewhere that will do nothing to provide happiness to any party involved. Thinking about you with another helps to stroke murder in my heart and steadily kills me. I know I can never be with you and yet I cannot live with the thought of you with another. My only chance of harmony lies in the death of your being. Therefore, I selfishly wish for your passing so that I may be able to begin an attempt at piecing together some formality of a life of my own that I shall just term as my life after what was real was gone. It would be so much simply if there was something definite to close my ordeal of love for you. It needs to be something so complete that it is able to terminate my feelings and hope of us to eventually find one another again and re-invent our true selves. There is but one thing with the power to do this. I know as long as you are alive I will dream about you and sacrifice and sabotage my happiness. No, it must be so. I am eaten alive with the thought of you in the arms of another. I shake throughout with the picture of you making love to somebody other than me. I need to know this will never happen just as much as I need to know you will never need me again. The only prospect that remains lies in the death of the one I love most. Otherwise, I can see ignorance and incompetence of sound decision making lying in my future. It is with this knowledge now that I would rather have you die than have to watch or hear about you suffering through the curious love applied by another.