In The Court Of King Gemma

"Welcome to Prestonia!" announced the lovely King Gemma! as we entered the gates to the Castle of Tulketh Brow. "Step inside" she boomed with pride! The Castle was unlike anything the pair had seen before. It was no doubt regal, yet in the King's own particular style, was dusty and sparce. It was not your typical Castle, and it had only one noticeable feature, a huge old sofa, which was Gemma's throne. Standing in the Court were the King's loyal subjects. There was "Little Marty", a strange young lady who only spoke in signs made by using her eyebrows, which could be interpreted in any number of ways, depending on how open the mind. The wise Little Marty communicated little, and spoke seldomly. In a dark corner of the castle, sat two strange Germans darning their socks, who only stopped their tireless work to make sure that no one was touching their lentils. A little Spanish Londoner, "Spanlon" was running around carrying a huge bottle of her own personal elixir called "Newky Brown". The bottle was almost as big as her, and soon we would learn the weird effect that would take its toll on anybody that drank from if. And finally, there was Amy. Ginger Amy. "After the feast, we shall go on the Totty hunt" announced Gemma, who, a native of Elmo and Daz's land, knew only full well what the boys were after. "Now Marty, go and kill the fatted calf", she ordered, "let's give these boys a welcome that they will never forget", she said with a twinkle in her eye.

Following the feast over, the boys were starting to feel at ease, and they were soon initiated into the traditional customs of the land. Gemma announced that before they could hope to hunt the Totty, they would have to go to what the locals called the "P.S" to obtain the elixir of life. The boys obliged, and soon returned. "We come baring gifts" proclaimed Elmo upon entering the Castle once more. There were broad smiles from everyone, including Marty, who raised her eyebrows to show that she was particularly pleased with our work. King Gemma however, was most pleased of all. "Get me a bottle opener" she boomed! "Let the madness begin!". 2 hours later, the initiation was over. "Right, you're ready", she slurred. The elixer had begun taking it's strange effect, on King Gemma, and indeed, on everyone, including the boys. Daz, drinking his "Lucobush" was ready for the hunt. "Take me to the Totty!" he demanded. Gemma laughed, "Now you are ready, Let the hunt commence!"

The hunt began at the Castle of Raiders. Raiders was small, but contained all the essentials none the less. The party were free to wander as they pleased, thanks to the King's prescence. Elmo and Daz decided to explore each of the Castle's 3 floors in turn, starting at the bottom. The bottom floor however, contained little of interest on initial inspection. The Totty were a shy race, and as such were in hiding. It would take some work to persuade them to come out. "Let's go to the bar", said Daz. Daz was eager to gorge, after all, the King had given the boys some gold and silver pieces and instructed them to drink as they pleased. Daz didn't want to let the King down, and was happy to follow the instructions. Much gorging began, but as time went by, the Totty still showed no signs of emerging. "Perhaps the Totty are less tame as we ascend?", suggested Elmo, Daz agreed it was worth a try, as they were having no luck here, and the pair climbed the staircase.

The second level, in sharp contrast to the first, was abundant with Totty. The boys couldn't believe their eyes! There was Totty of all shapes and sizes. Suddenly though, their attention was averted, as a strange hypnotic sound was blasted forth. The sound seemed to grip all that it held in its trance - including the Totty. There was a strange dark figure in a box in the corner, who seemed to be sending out these subliminal messages, which called all present to congregate in the middle of the room. Once there, they would make frantic gyrating movements. All this was too much for the boys, so they decided to leave before the power took them over too. "This place is amazing Elmo!", remarked Daz, "perhaps, the last level will be overflowing with totty". "Let's find out!" cried Elmo with excitement. "I hope that there's no man in a dark box though".

By now, the gorging had taken its toll, and so climbing the final staircase proved extremely difficult. Eventually, they made it up to the third and final floor. Entering the room, they were greeted with a great cheer. It was the King herself! And not only that but Amy, Marty, and Spanlon! King Gemma laughed, "You've finally made it!", she proclaimed. It had been a test all along. Elmo turned around and watched as the two levels below him vanished in a blur. He blinked in amazement, but before he could speak, he was suddenly summoned to the King�s quarters. Just as on the 2nd floor, there was a strange dark figure in a box in the corner, sending out the same subliminal messages, and all present were called to congregate. "Now the ritual can take place" Gemma spoke sternly as the gyrating began. Elmo by this stage was getting increasingly worried. He decided to consult Daz. All Daz could do however, was sing; "If it's good enough for the Ra, it's good enough for me...". The effects of the elixer on Daz were particularly worrying. Then, without warning, Daz was captured and taken away. Elmo was now thoroughly frightened. "Daz! Daz!" he called out in panic. But it was no good. Elmo turned to the King, but before he could speak, he was hit over the head from behind and knocked unconscious.

Elmo awoke confused, and found himself in a dark alleyway. "It's Ok" a voice spoke from the shadows. "as long as the police don't come down here". "Who are you?", said Elmo. "There is no need to be alarmed. My name is 'Noan'", the girl replied, "'Noan Alrash'". Lovely. Still flustered, Elmo spoke, "What have you done to me? Where's Daz?" "Relax", said Noan, "My work is done here now". Elmo however, had had enough, "Take me to Tulketh Brow" he demanded.

Although dazed, Elmo quickly gathered his wits, and grabbed hold of Noan. Noan was happy to help. She was kind at heart, and was only too pleased to assist once she'd gotten what she wanted. She agreed to take Elmo to Tulketh Brow. However, before she could, she was accosted by some of the Locals. Noan was well known to the Villagers, who were beginning to leave their drinking dens, and the more suspicious of them enquired as to who Elmo was, and what he was doing in their land. Noan had a wild imagination, and as such, concocted a story protecting which painted Elmo as a hero of his land, a "Brave Heart" to his people. The Villagers were suitably impressed. Elmo had clearly won the respect of many of them, thanks to Noan. They had escaped unscathed, and finally made it to the relative safety of the Cart and Horses rank, where they both accepted a lift from a local trader. In exchange for the ride, Noan paid him in her own particular way. Arriving at Tulketh Brow, Elmo made a hasty exit. And with that, Noan vanished into the night. It was to be the last that Elmo would ever see of the strange Gypsy girl that he had secretly, grown quite fond of.

However, before sentimentality could take hold, a voice called loudly from the distance. "Elmo!" came the cry. It was Daz. Elmo raced up the street to be reunited with his partner. It was like a scene from a classic movie, like two prodigal sons returning in the black of night. "How? What? When?", Elmo questioned. "No time for that now", replied Daz, "we have other things to worry about".

As Elmo and Daz climbed the hill, the huge portcullis which protected Tulketh Brow came into view. "I didn't know what happened to you", said Elmo. Daz just smiled, and looked down. For there, laying asleep at the Castle's foot was Spanlon. "Ahh...", it all became clear to Elmo now. However before he could continue, Daz had more pressing news. " It's locked. We can't get in. It looks like we've been exiled from the kingdom". Elmo looked up at the huge wooden door, which stood between them and the King, who by now had also returned from Raiders, and was fast asleep inside the foreboding Castle. "We can't just stay out here", said Elmo, knowing that the savages would soon be out, and that their safety could not be guarenteed. Their only other place of refuge was the Cottage of Yugo that lay at the gates within the grounds. However, none of them fancied that, so Elmo decided that firm action needed to be taken. "Is there a back entrance?", he enquired. "yes", replied Spanlon, "it's around the back". "We'll just have to go in that way then", said Elmo. Daz quickly scaled the wall, which protected the entrance, followed by Elmo. However to their disappointment, the door was locked. There was only one thing for it, they would have to break in, or spend the night in Yugo Cottage.

Having decided to break down the door, the only question was how best to do it, while causing the minimum of damage. "The bottom panel looks weak", declared Elmo, "I'll try to kick it in". As Daz watched from a safe distance, and Spanlon imagined what was happening from the other side of a 6ft wall, Elmo struck his first, then second, and finally third unsuccessful blow. He was clearly not built for the task. "Let me have a try", said the (at this particular junction in time), built like a modest brick convenience Daz. Elmo stood back, as Daz ran at the door, connecting his boot with the lower part of it to the sound of an almighty Crack! They were in!

And as the dust settled around them, the King descended the Royal staircase, unimpressed, awoken from her Royal slumber. "I am moving out tomorrow! What about my deposit of 200 gold pieces!" she screamed!

Humour & Nostalgia Eamon's World