Not long after realizing that I could no longer go it alone my feet took me to "The Journey Through Loss" bereavement support group here in the city where I live. To say that I am grateful that the group was there just cannot come close to articulating the magnitude of what the group as come to mean to me. The word grateful does not do justice to how indebted I am that this group exists. In many ways it is a safe haven that has given me the refuge and anchorage I've needed as I work thru my grief. Prior to going to the group I felt like I was floating out in the middle of the ocean all by myself and the only thing holding me up was a piece of drift wood that I was clinging to.
Working on this memorial website as my tribute to my mother has certainly been beneficial to me. Even though there have been many tears, many memories and a sharing of the essence of who my mother was on this journey of life, her earth walk, thru this website it is all a step towards working through the grief and towards healing.
At the initial inception of this website it was my thinking that it would be an avenue to try and work through some of my grief. However it was brought to my attention that not only would it be beneficial for myself but to others I know and
don't know. And not just those who walk the path of bereavement, but to those who have yet to experience the afteraffects of the loss of someone they dearly love.
Many times our friends who try to support us dont' know what to say. I've heard of varied comments said to bereaved, "Get over it", "Are you still dealing with this?", "They are in a better place." And countless other insensitive remarks that only result in the bereaved feeling like their feelings have just been trampled on.
Getting over it is not as simple as the snap of one's fingers, if it was many bereaved would be snapping their fingers. There is no detour where grief is concerned, it is something that one has to go through as painful and as diffiuclt as it is and has to be done at one's own speed, not someone else's clock. To suggest that their loved one is in a better place regardless of the circumstances of the loss add insult to injury by seemingly minimizing the bereaved's pain and sadness. The loved one is at peace and those left behind have to pick up the pieces and try to go one with their lives somehow.
You don't have to speak words of wisdom to let some one you care about, who is grieving, know how much you care about them. Try saying, "My heart goes out to you", "I am so sorry for your loss" and if words fail you a small gesture of placing your hand on their arm, or your arm around their shoulder can speak volumes, much more so than any words of wisdom could. Or give them a hug, ask them if their is anything you can do, although they may not be able to think of anything at the moment, you will be conveying that you do care. Chances are the bereaved will remember the gesture much more readily than any words you might share.
It has been 7 months almost since she said goodbye to her family and friends. There are still many firsts that are to be faced that will be difficult, the 1st Christmas, the first birthday (mine) and her birthday without her physical presence in our daily lives, the 1st anniversary of her passing to her life beyond this earthly one.
The last time I spoke with her on the phone was on her birthday this year. I wished her a happy birthday, her 73rd, and then said, "I don't do this for just anyone but I will do it once for you, " and burst out in song singing happy birthday over the phone to her. She laughed, thankfully her laughter at my expense was a plentiful gift I had given to her over the years. The last thing I said to her that day was: "I love you."
Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about her, or have felt the longing to talk to her on the phone daily as we so often did, or missing the home cooked meals she use to make. However as I've told myself many times over the months one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one day at a time for that is the only way any of us can live our lives in this world.
My mother was a remarkable womyn and I have the grateful privilage to say she was my mother,I was lucky and fortunate to have the closeness we cultivated in the last 5 years of her life. Not everyone is as blessed with the kind of closeness with a parent as I have.
Thank-you Mum for blessing with my life and your Love.
