~ Page Three~
be lived up to. People don't get over or on with life after the 3 offical days mourning
period. And conventional thinking that once a person is dead end of story doesn't wash with
me anymore. For years I grew up and watched people lose a family member and then that
person's name was never mentioned again, it was as if they got swept under the rug.
Guess I am bucking the trend, I keep Mum and Trevelyan's memory alive, my love for
them both has not stopped. And that's what the message seems to be when I hear
people saying, "get over it, get on with your life, let it go." With those words it feels
like I am being told to forget about them both, not talk about them and I can't do that,
can't, won't. I can't pretend that they never existed in my life, nor can I erase the impact
they both had on me. As if my heart could ever forget, it can't and won't and I won't let it.
No question, those two entries I was ranting. It never ceases to amaze me that the general thinking is that grief can be turned off like a light switch. It's not that easy because without a doubt if it was that simple I would have flipped the switch a long time ago. If flippng a switch meant erasing the pain yes I
have run for that switch, however the pain of losing someone is never totally erased. After sharing 36 years of my life with my mother to suggest I can get over that in a mere 3 and a half years is asking alot in my huumble opinion. No one person can ever judge the quality of one's love for another human being. On recently aired episode of "Crossing Over with John Edward" no truer words were spoke when he said, "Grief is the other side of love."
In essence what I would like to say to those people is, "Did you have the very same relationship I had with my mother and with Trevelyan? Can you walk in my shoes and see with my eyes and feel my experiences as I experienced them?" Of course the answer would be "No." And so with that in mind if the answer is and would be No how could anyone even begin to suggest they understand how I feel and how I am to deal with those lossses? For anyone, friend or not to even begin to suggest they understand or try to tell a bereaved person what they "should or shouldn't do" is quite simply judging the bereaved. The implication is that the bereaved is doing something wrong. No one can tell a bereaved person when, how, how long or anything else pertaining to their grief. Grief is as personal as who we choose to be intimate with. No one can tell a bereaved how to grieve, to do so is placing guilt and unfair expectations on a person struggling to cope in a world that has irrecovably changed.
A question that goes through my mind is would anyone of us dare to suggest to someone who lost a loved one on September 11th, 2001 that they get over it, that it is time to move on? Who are we to dictate to those bereaved, from the awful events that day, how they are to deal with their loss, their pain. None of us has that right. I raise those events in an attempt to illustrate a point, that be it on the magnitude of Sept 11th or an individual loss the feelings are still very much the same, no one can tell the bereaved how to live with their grief. Some may appear to be on the outside doing well and "getting past it" when really on the inside the pain in still there. I would bet that the individual who seems to be doing fine is still in the throws of grief but just not talkin about it, be it because they don't want to talk for fear of making others around them uncomfortable or they just aren't the type to talk it out or for fear of being criticized.
The prevailing response to bereaved people is that society in general would simply rather you not talk about it, sweep it all under the rug, pretend it never happened so that society in general doesn't have to think about it. Even today in this new millineum grief/death is still very much a taboo subject. For those who have not had a significant loss in their life, yet, they are too uncomfortable with the subject and would much rather be judgemental in shutting the bereaved down then being open minded and receptive to just simply hearing the bereaved out. That truly is all the bereaved ask for, is to be heard without judgements and expectations.
The non-bereaved would best serve their friends and family by simply allowing the bereaved to do what they need to do at their own pace and refrain from offering opinions or advice becasue while well meaning most often what comes out is received as insensitive and hurtful to the bereaved. Quite simply be gentle with the bereaved as they will let you know when they are feeling in a better space.
