<> Ladies and gentlemen, the EWC has COME HOME to FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY, home of the #1 ranked Florida State Seminoles, and it is Homecoming Weekend here, with over 15,000 Fans RED HOT for EWC Action, and for those of you watching our preshow, we started off running, as the Chaos Brigade was hired to do some thug work for EWC Commisioner John Riker, and got a lot more than they bargained for! As always, you've spun the facts away from the truth. This trench-coated moron kept coming into arenas stirring up trouble, and Riker decided to pay some good money for some good service, and he hired the Chaos Brigade to take out the trash. *camera pans to the ring* What they got, tho, was the RETURN of THE HURLEY BOYS, MACK DADDY AND EL HIJO, and they're center ring right now after fighting off the Chaos Brigade in the minute we were off air, and apparently they've got something to say!!! [Mack Daddy Hurley] *to crowd* Hey, how y'all doin tonight? [insert response] I'm sure a lot of y'all are wonderin' where the hell we've been the last 2 years ... see, things get busy. After the EWF, cuz and I decided to do a little tourin' ... we wrestled matches from Anchorage to Zimbabwe, from Manitoba to Rio de Janeiro, from Moscow to Hoboken. All the glamour, the wealth, the fame, the cheering crowds, the sweet sweet ladies ... all that gets old after awhile. Besides, we ran outta money. So, we were chillin in the crib down in Wanker County, plannin our next move, studying all the opportunites ... basically bummin around. Gramma had an idea to get some loot, but no one would pay for the naked pictures of her. Cuz here *pointing to Hijo* had an idea, but we couldn't get the website operational. Then it came to us, what we do best ... beatin people up, and having fun doin' it. So, while we worked out the details, we sent a friend of ours ... but then /SOMEONE/ had to get in our business. Chaos Brigade, y'all seem to be new, so apparently y'all gotta learn .. Rule #1 - don't dis the Hurleys. Ask Siouxnami. Ask Natural Born Killers. Ask Doc Strange. *laughing* Nah, don't ask, 'cause y'all don't wanna know what you're in for .. <> [Vertigo] RIKEEEEEEEEEER!!! RIKER!!! GET OUT HERE NOW!!! <> [Riker] What? I paid you...although considering not only is he still standing, but you got chased off by these two inbreds, I probably should have waited to pay you... <> [Vertigo] Earlier tonight I told you we wanted the chance to do something really crazy, ultra-violent, something to really show everyone once and for all that we are THE BEST at what we do. Well, things have changed-- [Rip-Tide] That's right!!! This isn't about drumming up business!!! This has nothing to do with making a name for ourselves in the EWC!!! Big V and I want a shot at those two tie-dyed, flashback, tripping imbeciles so we can tear out their eyes and skullfu-- [Vertigo] *interrupting* What he's saying is that now things are PERSONAL and that's bad for them and fun for us. We want to be the first ones to try out that big bad wheel tonight. Us and the Hurleys--you give us that match and we'll even give you back the ten thousand dollars. [Rip-Tide] Dancing fools it doesn't matter if you've been naughty or nice because we're pissed off and we're about to... [PA Voice from nowehere] ...Cause chaos whether you like it or not. [Vertigo] (looking around) What do you say Boss-man--do we have a deal? <> [Riker] Lemme get this straight, jerky. You're giving back the check..in exchange for a match with those two has-beens? <> [Riker] *laughs* Oooook, there, sizzlechest, rip it up and have a party. *shouts to the back* Hey Tony, get the wheel out here!!! <> Hang on to your short and curlies, folks, we've got a barnstormer coming into focus here..and they're off on each other, and the larger Chaos Brigade is sending the two Hurleys into backwards steps. Meanwhile, they've got the wheel out, and they're giving it a spin... [Matthews] This match will be contested under the rules set by.... THE WAVE RUNNERS!!!! It is a "Sand In Your Face" match! A WHAT!!?!?!?! <> I've got the copy on this...apparently it's a variation on a Buried Alive match. The only way to win is to knock one of your opponents into the pit on the stage and toss sand on him. Only those two beach bums would come up with a stip as inane as this one. Regardless, this one's no DQ or CO, and we've got Riptide on Mack Daddy and Vertigo and El Hijo squaring off here, and the Brigade has the Hurleys on the ropes early. *SHORT REPORT MODE ON* the match was absolute chaos from before the opening bell. The big men spent the first minute tossing the Hurley's into everything...and everything into the Hurleys. Into the steps, into the WWF-style guardbox, lots and lots of chaos. Riptide kicks Mack Daddy into the corner of the railing, then steps back and goes for a running palm strike, but MD ducks the strike and *punches* Riptide right in the cojones, then backdrops him over the guardrail. On the opposite side, Vertigo ramming EH's head into the timekeepers table...but as he turns around, he sees MD running *on* the guardrail, around the corner, and jumps off of it into a swinging DDT on Vertigo to a *BIG* pop. The Hurley's team up on Vertigo, hitting a double suplex. MD then gets on all fours to the side of the ring steps, allowing El Hijo to go off of MD's back and stinger splash Riptide over the ring steps, sending both men into the crowd. MD gets to his feet, only to have Vertigo spear him into the ringsteps. El Hijo fires some fists into Riptides head, then grabs a chair from a ringside fan and tattoo's Riptide right in the skull. Hijo goes for another shot, but Riptide hits a yakuza kick into the chair, sending Hijo careening backwards, dropping the chair. Riptide then picks up the chair and smacks it on the back of El Hijo, then he slides the chair under him and tries for a legdriver DDT...El Hijo elbows him in the gut, then nails a side russian legsweep with Riptide going facefirst right into the chair. Meanwhile, back at ringside, Vertigo has MD in a bodyslam position, runs towards the ramp, and falcon arrow's MD right into the steel ramp. Vertigo then picks him up again and slowly carries him over to where the sandmound is. On the other side, El Hijo hits a tombstone piledriver right onto the chair, laying out Riptide, then *books* (at least as fast as a 5'9" 236 lbs man can go) over the railing, through the ring, and out to the other side in order to bail out his cousin. *SHORT REPORT MODE OFF* Vertigo has got Mack Daddy into a pumphandle position, and sends him INTO THE PIT with a pumphandle slam. YEAH!!! HE'S GONNA KICK SOME SAND IN HIS FACE!!! I LOVE IT!!! Not if El Hijo has anything to say about it, he comes off the sand mound, flying double chop across the chest of Vertigo to take some heat off of the Mack Dad, but Vertigo only takes about a step back. Hijo moves forward, Bearhug by Vertigo, but Hijo firing those right hands off.. Inverted atomic drop by Vertigo stops the momentum. Now Vertigo with a HIGH GORILLA PRESS ON EL HIJO, and he's gonna bury them both! MACK DADDY TRIPPED VERTIGO, and EL HIJO FALLS ON TOP OF HIM!!! El Hijo grabs Vertigo.. SIDE RUSSIAN LEG SWEEP INTO A CRUCIFIX ARMBAR!! And what does this idiot think he's doing? He's wouldn't get a submission out of Vertigo in a real match...what makes him think that this is going to do any good? He's trying to keep him tied up, as Mack Daddy is hoisting himself ONTO THE SOLOTRON RIGGING...and this is where the Wanker County native is most dangerous. Wanker County....that's the most appropriate hometown that I've ever heard. Hold on a second, Riptides on his feet, and he's heading up the rampway.....MD MOONSAULT *over* Riptide, and he lands on his feet, Riptide comes over, DOUBLE EYE POKE BY MACK DADDY!!! That was Pathetic...next thing you know El Hijo del Curly will be doing the shuffle towards Moe Daddy Stooge. And they pay you to do color why? Because I have a nicer ass than you. Meanwhile, El Hijo still has the armbreaker on Vertigo, and Vertigo is actually sliding *towards* the sandpile..and he tosses sand right in the eyes of El Hijo! And that will cause any technico loser to drop his hold. Low Blow by Mack Daddy has Riptide staggered...OH MY GOD!!!! *crowd gasp* Hurancanrana by the Mack Dad sent Riptide OFF THE STAGE, and that's a 10-15 foot drop off of there. May be too little too late, Vertigo has El Hijo up....FORWARD ROLLING SOMMERSAULT SAMOAN DROP, and that SPIKED El Hijo into the sandpit. And Vertigo with a running shoulderblock to shove that sand into the pit to cover El Hijo just as Mack Daddy got his bearings!!! And those tie-dyed goofs LOOOOOSE!!!!! *DING DING DING* Mack Daddy doesn't care...he PLANTS Vertigo with a DDT onto the steel stage, and now he's just hoisted himself onto the lower rigging of the Solotron.. What is this goof doing? Mack Daddy Hurley always dangerous in the air....HURLEY WITH A TWISTING MOONSAULT SENTON, and he bounces off of VERTIGO OFF OF THE STAGE!!! MOONSAULT ON RIPTIDE ON THE BOTTOM!!!! *crowd pop* [Matthews] Your winners in this contest....Riptide and Vertigo, THE CHAOS BRIGADE!!!!!!!!! They don't look like the winners right now, as El Hijo is emerging from the sand... Mack Daddy is climbing back onto the stage as Vertigo is finding his feet...BUT NOT FOR LONG!!! LEG SWEEP/LEG LARIAT COMBO!!! THAT'S THE "HURLEYBIRD", AND VERTIGO IS ON HIS BACK!!! And where's the legion of officials to break this off!?!?!? If this were the CB's going off on these tie-dyed freaks, they'd be all over them. <> Dear god, this isn't the Hurley's theme music now, is it? I guess...Oh my god, El Hijo is stripping. What!?!?! Oh dear god, it's El Jello del Hurley. Wearing tie-dyed speedos. The fans find this hilarious, El Hijo gesturing to some ladies before doing a bump and grind in their direction. Mack Daddy just looks defeated right now, and he's trying to drag his cousin off the stage. Isaac, when the CB's wake up...and they *will* wake up...they're going to want to *kill* these two. You know, this match and it's style completely favored the CB's...I think in a regulation match, you'll see what the Hurley's do best. Run? *ahem* Folks, we've got these words from one of the participants in our next match, one Mike Powers @%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%%@@%@%@%@% [We cut to a lockeroom in the back, it's decorated for Thanksgiving--brown and orange streamers, turkey pin ups, a giant table of food, the works. Sitting in a giant recliner in the corner, wearing a pilgrim hat and sobbing uncontrollably, is Rebecca Rosenfeld. Standing in front of this surreal display, in an indian head dress is Mike Powers.] [Powers] Now you've done it Saul. For all of our time together, throughout this whole ordeal it's always been about you. Trying to help you be true to yourself. Making you stop living a lie, stop being a fraud, and admit who you really are. You, you, you. And when, for some _baffling_ reason, my incredible charms didn't convince you to do what was right, I spend my time and my money to find someone who could get the job done. I braved the heat, the fold-out sofa bed, AND the cheek pinching just to help YOU. I bring back the woman you owe your life to. The wonderful person who gave you your name, who changed your diapers, who taught you to read, and who even fed you the milk from her teet to make sure YOU weren't crying god damn it!!! And what do you do!?! You horrible, evil, dispicable fraudulent son of a bitch, you MAKE YOUR MOTHER CRY!!! What kind of a sicko are you? Take a good look at what you've done!!! (the camera takes an uncomfortably close look at "Rebecca's" tear stuck face, covered in running mascara and smudged rouge, and her large double chin covered in bread crumbs. Her unaturally blonde hair is ruffled and after a brief sigh she bursts into tears again) [Powers] I have had it up to here with your selfishness. Never have I EVER seen such a self-centered unloving person. First, you try to embarass your mother on national television last week, then not satisfied with that, you refuse to give her a hug backstage!!! One hug, for the woman who sold her Elvis painting to pay for your braces, is that too much to ask for!?! And then, just when I thought it was impossible for a human being to sink any lower, you go ahead and outdo yourself by throwing your own mother into the streets THANKSGIVING WEEKEND!!! You deprived her of the right to be with her family, let alone the joy of watching that little kid trash those looney burglars. You made her have to travel in hours upon HOURS of traffic, you forced her to miss football...and worst of all she never got to see Santa mark the start of Christmas at the parade. WHAT KIND OF A DEVIANT ARE YOU!?! SAUL!!! Tonight it stops being about you! Tonight is all about making it up to HER. I'm sorry I brought her up north to freeze in the cold! I'm sorry I made her miss the greatest meal of the year! And _most of all_ I am SO SO SORRY that I showed her what a SMALL AND PATHETIC LITTLE MAN YOU REALLY ARE!!! While Rebecca stays here and enjoys a _much needed_ meal, I am going to go out there and beat an apology out of your worthless ass!!! Militar...I hope you put back on that mask because you don't deserve the name Rosenfeld. [cut to black]