EWC LORDS OF THE RING TV REPORT - Week # Shawn Pearce reporting. Slight change in the opening credits..they add a TR Parker shot in among everything else (welcome to the EWC, Mr. Parker) and they fade into the arena using the Curtis sliding through the flames shot from Slamrock. Two words... whip....ass. People are *already* calling the Curtis/Monroe match a match of the year candidate, and I'm not so sure I disagree. Show opens with a graphic stating that they are coming from the UIC Pavillion in Chicago....sellout crowd. Isaac Cross and Vanessa Stone reporting...no Dr. Strange. After the initial opening pyros... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- {"Coming Home" by The Scorpions begins to play much to the confusion of the audience and announcing crew, who doesn't recognize who (or what) this means. About midway through the song, the standing crowd who have been craning their necks to the entrance ramp erupts to cheers when the music changes into KISS' "Strutter." Walking out from the back dressed in blue jeans, snake-skin boots, and a SFL Albuquerque Arachnids t-shirt is "The Strutter" TR Parker. After joyous handslaps around the ring and a trademark strut he points to a "Welcome Home Parker" sign before he enters the ring and grabs a mic.} [TR Parker] Hello EWC! {Parker chuckles at the ensuing cheer.} First things first. Who the hell threw a wrestling party and didn't invite The Strutter? (some mutant in the front row yells out "Armand") You've got that right. Armand, I don't know what took you so long, but I've got something for you...a little later on. So stay tuned. Now, onto an issue that everybody has been asking about. Sebastian Sloan! If you want to pick on sinners, then there is NOBODY who deserves your attention like The Strutter. Oh, and I guess you can add deception to my list, along with spite, vanity, and kicking your ass! *CROWD POP* The Strutter may forgive, but he never forgets. We have a lot of unfinished business Sloan and consider Slamrock your first paycheck. I guess I ought to apologize to Mark Davidson for that little "misunderstanding" we had back at Slamrock. But you see, I saw EWC on the marquee and had a flashback to the good old days, so I had to feed the urge. Know what I mean "Slayer"? You can thank me later for saving you from Sloan's wrath in the cage, for getting back your old lady, and for only giving you a little bump on the head. Stay out of my way...because next time, I may not be as gracious. (Crowd has a mixed reaction to that, since Davidson is winning their graces as well) Which brings me to Jeremy Byron. You've shown that you've got what it takes to make it here. Above all else, you've got brains enough to call The Strutter when you need help. Tonight, we've got Children of the Apocalypse. (Parker shakes his head) Where did you get these guys, Armand? Look, Kiddies of Doom, I don't care if you get your jollies scaring old folks at the mall, buying hair dye for sleepovers, or staying up late at night reading Fangoria magazine; it really doesn't make a blip on my radar screen. If you want to make a name for yourselves by play-acting that's fine by me; BUT when you step into my spotlight -- you have to pay the price. Jeremy, get ready for the match of your life because you're riding with The Strutter. {Parker hands the mic back to the announcer and struts up the aisle. The fans are really popping hard, with a few of the usual mutants booing} THOUGHTS: Uhhh...was that supposed to be a face interview? I guess not...Parker still wildly popular, but he's showing a hint of the arrogance that he let show often in VCW/DCW. I guess it's all in how the crowd reacts to it. It's also odd that Parker and Byron would team against the COA...I'm looking for Byron to job in order to get COA over, but for Parker to stand tall at the end. At the end of that, they mention that Dr. Strange was not there for health reasons. Stone mentions that's it's just going to be her and Cross that night....until "Love Rollercoaster" kicks in and "Sweet" Jimmy Lowe heads down the ramp....he goes over to the table and tells everyone that Armand hired him for the night to fill in for Doc, since they were in his hometown and all. Stone refused to share an announcing table with Lowe, given his past history with women. One lewd comment by Lowe later, and Stone threw down the headset and walked away. They go to a commercial, and when they come back, they announce the first round in the Cut 'n Shoot Memorial Championship tournament, basically EWC's version of a stip match championship (Out of respect to my ICONS, the legends that make up the triple-L, I refuse to use the words "hardcore" and "extreme" to describe matches like this unless they are used by the EWC announcers. Basic rules: No DQ unless there's outside interference (if you're a wuss that needs help, no Cut 'n Shoot for you). There's no countouts in terms of being out of the ring. However, if you are down, you can be counted out ala a boxing KO. Any further stipulations are determined by a spin of the wagon wheel. Unless it's an FCA match, matches can only be won in the ring...outside the ring doesn't count. They announce the participants...Raw Assasin down first, and he tells the ref "You screw me on this one, you're a dead man". Then... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==- ('Take it like a man' by The Offspring screams over the sound system as Grant Harrison parts the curtains, wearing his typical wifebeater and dresspants attire. As he reaches the top of the ramp a beam of white light shines down upon him. Harrison stands in the middle of the white light, tilting his head back looking strait up into light, making his face glow, and giving a general heavenly effect, Harrison slowly raises the mic to just below his chin.) [Harrison] Ah, the Cut n' Shoot Heritage tournament. Based on nothing but sheer guts and determination! *CROWD POP* Or so they would have you believe! (Harrison cocks his head down casting a shadow upon his face, as the crowd grows silent.) As a family man I find this absolutely appauling and cannot believe that it is taking place. They want you to believe that ring of fire matches, and Texas death matches should be the norm. They are rewarding the behaviour of lunatics, with a title! This is utterly disgusting. There is one reason and one reason only I agree to enter this farce of a tournament and thats to bring respectability to this overhyped brawl. In this first Cut n' Shoot match, you may be expecting to see steel chairs across the head, *Pop* FIRE, *Pop* BLOOD, *POP* and the list goes on. But, the fact is: I'm going to make this a wrestling match. (At this point the crowd is very unhappy, and the hardcores are booing Harrison with every word.) I'm not going to need any foreign objects, even if I do Mister Raw Assassin, I am going to fight a clean fair fight, under no circumstances will I pick up a chair or take a short cut! You can take as many short cuts as you like, but don't expect to drag me down to that level. I will beat you like a man, and as a wrestler using my technical skill not some gimmick match shortcut. Tonight Assasin you can show some courage and prove to everyone you are a man of honour and a true wrestler, or you can attempt to hit me with chairs and learn that technical skill will overcome a loose cannon any day of the week, the choice is yours ... this is for your own good. (As Harrison walks to the ring the colour of the spot light gradually changes through white, blue, purple and finally red. With each colour change comes a more intense look on Harrison until he continues to crack his neck into place, and crack his knuckles before ringing his hands with a somewhat gleeful look on his face.) -=-=-=-=-=- *CUT N' SHOOT HERITAGE TITLE TOURNEY* GRANT HARRISON vs. THE RAW ASSASIN The wagon wheel spun, and it came up as a Falls Count Anywhere match. The Assasin and Harrison came face to face. Harrison offered a handshake, but before Assasin could react, Harrison backhanded him HARD, then did a go-behind and hit a German Suplex that was almost a backdrop driver in terms of where Assasin could connect. From there, it was barely a match. Harrison picked up Assasin again, german suplexed him again, then gorilla pressed him outside. Harrison followed him outside, reached under the ring, and pulled out a pipe and whacked him across the back. Referee Ray Chapman pulled the long pipe away and said "FCA, Harrison, NOT STREET FIGHT", which allowed the Assasin to get a kick right to the groin in. Assasin followed up with a right hand to Harrison's chin, and another one, backing him into the guardrail. Assasin then grabbed Harrison by the arm and tried to toss him headfirst into the steel steps, but when he was tossed, Harrison rolled into a feet first position. Assasin charged with a clothesline, but Harrison ducked and flapjacked him face first into the steel steps. Harrison then rolled him into the ring, got onto the apron, and hit a slingshot elbowdrop onto the fallen Assasin. Cover for a 2.5, but Harrison pulled him up. (The entire match commentary was all about Cross getting on Harrison for saying what he said and then doing the exact opposite) Harrison picked Assasin up, tossed him out *again*, went and grabbed a steel chair from the opposite side, then went to the apron, tucked the chair under his leg, then hit a hipbuster legdrop with the chair under his leg! Assasin was pretty much out at this point, but Harrison still wouldn't cover. Throughout the match the look on Harrison's face got sicker and sicker. He then picked up Assasin as if for a suplex, but instead hooked his legs on the top rope, then pulled the top rope down, basically tying Assasin's legs up between the top and middle ropes. Harrison then rammed Assasin's head 10 TIMES into the nearby steel ringpost... each time harder than the last. By the time it was all said and done, the Assasin was unconscious, dangling upside down from the ropes. Harrison called the referee out, placed his foot on the dangling Assasin so that his shoulders were flush against the ring apron, and told Chapman to count. The 3 count was finally made. ############################################ # WINNER: Grant Harrison, by pinfall. 5:12 # ############################################ Postmatch, after they got the Assasin free and onto a stretcher, Harrison charged back and pounded some more on the Assasin. He then got ON the stretcher and picked Assasin up. He then executed a spinning Northern Light's Bomb ONTO THE STRETCHER, collapsing it and leaving Assasin laying. Lowe called that "Grant's Tomb", noting it was a turning variation on the standard NL Bomb that Derek Machismo uses. Harrison FINALLY left ringside with a ton of officials pulling him back..and with a chorus of boos accompanying him. THOUGHTS: Well, they've established him as a badass, for sure..and they also established that the Raw Assasin is pretty much either on his way out or basically EWC's resident jobber to the jobber to the stars. Harrison, IMHO, is tailor made for the CnS title, and it's a great way to push him and give him heat. The other person that can really benefit from the CnS title is "Crazy" Jay Gillette, who is affiliated with CnS and would be a natural to hold it. Of course, they may toss it as one final bone to Dr. Feelgood, who seems to get off on these kinds of matches, but what purpose would that serve, especially since Feelgood again seems to be getting injured every other week.... They took a commerical, and when they came back, Cross explained that there was a newcomer to the EWC...a man by the name of Titus Moongarden -=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- [A videocam pans across a large industrial park, with modern office buildings of various shapes and sizes, carefully landscaped grounds, and large parking lots. The videocam pans back to a large corporate building with the letters "EWC" atop the elaborate concrete façade.] VOICE OF TITUS: All right! Here we are at the EWC building... oh, wait a sec... [The camera jiggles wildly, and is evidently placed on the ground, angled upward. We briefly see a big corporate sign before Titus walks around into the shot. He is tall and muscular, with long dark hair and a long fu manchu mustache. He is wearing torn jeans, boots, and a t-shirt that reads "Commit Random Acts of Kindness." A king-sized duffel bag is slung over one shoulder.] TITUS: Hey folks, this is Titus Moongarden, soon to be wrestling for you with the EWC! All I have to do is return this signed contract [he pulls a rumpled wad of papers from his hip pocket] and I'm ready to go! [He walks towards the entrance of the building, and we see that the sign behind him reads "European Wireless Corporation."] VOICE OF TITUS: Whup, can't forget this! [The videocam shot jiggles crazily for a while, and we catch glimpses of the building entrance as Titus strides up to and through the door. The shot finally focuses, more or less, on a very well-preened receptionist seated behind a huge desk.] RECEPTIONIST: [With a slightly puzzled expression] May I help you? VOICE OF TITUS: Yeah. I have an appointment with, uh... [he consults the contract] Mr. LeBeaux. RECEPTIONIST: [blinks a few times] Do you have an appointment, Mr...? VOICE OF TITUS: Oh, uh... Titus Moongarden. See, I told him I'd be here sometime near the end of the week... it took awhile hitchin' all the way from El Paso, especially after I helped this guy find all his sheep after this killer storm... man, it was pretty cool, though... the guy made me this woolly vest. Here, you'd really like it... wait a sec... [he begins to open and dig through his duffel bag] RECEPTIONIST: Sir... sir? [she waves to get Titus' attention] Sir, let me phone upstairs to Mr. LeBeaux. VOICE OF TITUS: Cool. Thanks. [The videocam whirls around to focus on a section of mirrored wall, where Titus is reflected, looking through the eyepiece of the camera.] TITUS: Hey! Almost there! [He waves.] [We see in the mirror a well-dressed business executive approach Titus.] MR. LEBEAUX: [stiffly polite] Mr. Moongarter? [The camera swings around crazily, and focuses shakily on the man.] VOICE OF TITUS: Moongarden, sir. Oh, wait a sec... this'll be cool. [The camera shudders and sways, and the shot stops on the mirrored wall, where Mr. Lebeaux and Titus are more or less framed in the shot, Titus holding the camera sideways on his shoulder.] MR. LEBEAUX: What can I do for you today? TITUS: I'm here to deliver my contract . [The camera shot shifts around as Titus reaches for the wad of papers.] MR. LEBEAUX: Your contract for what? [He nods subtly, and we see in the mirror a pair of pot-bellied security guards approach Titus.] TITUS: Uh... to wrestle, sir. See? [He unfolds the contract] Here's me, Titus Moongarden... I sorta work this crescent moon thing into my signature right there, if you turn your head sort of sideways...? Anyway, that's me, and there's you, Armand LeBeaux. MR. LEBEAUX: I'm not Armand LeBeaux. My first name is Guillaume. [There is a significant pause.] TITUS: What? MR. LEBEAUX: It appears you have made a mistake, sir. There is no "Armand" LeBeaux here. Now if you please... [He gestures towards the security men and the door.] TITUS: But this is EWC, right? Electronic Wrestling Council? MR. LEBEAUX: [with finality] No, sir. This is the European Wireless Corporation. Men, would you please escort Mr. Moonraven from the building? [The security guards look up at Titus' towering frame and then at each other, swallowing.] GUARD: Uh, sir? This way, please? TITUS: "European Wireless..." [A big smile comes over his face, and he nods enthusiastically] Dude! I'm in the wrong place! [The camera swings around again, focusing on the retreating back of Mr. *Guillaume* Lebeaux.] VOICE OF TITUS: Why didn't you just say so, man? Sorry to intrude on your space here... [The shot swings wildly again as Titus heads for the door.] VOICE OF TITUS: Either of you dudes know where the Electronic Wrestling Council offices are? GUARD: [as he gently tries to guide Titus out the door] Maybe it's on the contract somewhere. VOICE OF TITUS: Grand idea, my man! [The camera shakes and swings, and the close up rattle of papers is heard. Abruptly, the shot swings rapidly up, and then goes black as a sharp sound of impact is heard.] VOICE OF TITUS: Whups. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- TITUS MOONGARDEN vs. Jimmy "Saturday Night" LeFebvre With Jimmy Lefebvre already in the ring, the laid-back funk of Soul Coughing's "So Far I Have Not Found The Science" starts up. Titus Moongarden is announced and the crowd looks expectantly at the entranceway. After a considerable delay, Lefebvre impatiently demands the ref ring the bell and start the countout. As the ref reaches "7," A big, well-muscled young man with long black hair and a long fu manchu comes barreling down the entranceway, microphone in hand. He quickly climbs into the ring and gives a "wait a second" gesture to Lefebvre.] [TITUS] "Hey, everyone... sorry I'm late. I, uh, had a problem with the cab driver. He was Portuguese and didn't understand English very well, and I was trying to remember my Portuguese back from when my family went hiking in the Brazilian rainforest... man, that was really cool... there was this one time when this incredible bird like flew right over -- oh, uh, anyway, my name's Titus Moongarden, and I..." It's at this moment that Lefebvre has had enough, and remembering that the bell has already rung, goes after Titus with a series of punches and kicks. Jimmy has his way with Titus, throwing a good dropkick and a couple of elbow drops at him. When he goes off the ropes for a cross body block, however, Titus catches him and turns it into a huge powerslam. He whips Jimmy into the ropes, and while Jimmy ducks a clothesline, Titus catches him on the return trip in a spinning sidewalk slam, and follows it with high jumping knee drop across the forehead. Titus hoists the dazed Lefebvre into a vertical suplex position, but shifts the underhoooked arm back around and falls forward into a thunderous powerbomb. Titus maintains his hold around Jimmy's waist as the ref counts the pinfall. ############################################## # WINNER: Titus Moongarden, by pinfall 3:12 # ############################################## THOUGHTS: A comedy gimmick. But a really good one. I like this guy, and I think the fans will want to like him too, in a Hillbilly Jim/Boo Bradley-ish kinda way. He'll need someone to work a program with, tho.... At this point, Cross and Lowe review the end of Slamrock, where Fuego pins Chris Sim and Sim decided to jump on Lowe after the match. Lowe basically said Chris Sim would be getting his soon enough, but not tonight, because tonight Lowe is being paid to be an announcer. With that... {"Slave to the Grind" plays to a decent pop as Damien Omega walks to ringside in street clothes, slapping hands and shaking hands with people as he makes his way to the ring. As he steps in the ring, the ring announcer gives him the microphone} (NOTE: Throughout the entrance, they hype the North American title defense... Cross seems to think that Sim has the upper hand here, while Lowe remembered Omega from his IeWS days, and that plus the fact that he just came off of a BIG win at the last PPV while Sim lost big has to give Omega the edge) [Omega] I asked Armand and company if I can come out here early and say my peace, because I know if I wait until after Chris Sim talks, there won't be any TV time left. I want to talk a little about what has happened to me since I came here to EWC. I came here expecting to work my way up the list and EARN a shot at a title eventually. I didn't think it would be easy, nor did I think it would be quick, but, here I am, just a few matches into my career here, and I'm getting a North American title shot. Under normal circumstances, I would point to more deserving wrestlers in the back to get that shot, but, I look at who the Champion is NOW, and I can't help but want to get a piece of him. Sim, you're a good wrestler. Only an idiot or a braggart will come out here and say otherwise. I've seen you fight, and you're good. You have endurance the like I have not seen in a very long time, you can take an incredible amount of punishment and keep coming back for more, and you have alot of talent. I ALSO know that you started your career as Carlos Mendoza's boy toy in the AWI. I ALSO have seen you get your butt whipped when you didn't pay attention to who you were fighting, and we ALL know you like to talk. Aside from maybe Kerry Masters, you talk more than anyone I know, and most of what you say means NOTHING. You know what that makes you? A blowhard. I know that you will probably come out here and either totally ignore the fact that you have a title defense tonight, and ignore and underestimate me. I hope you do. The moment you underestimate ANY opponent, you lose. So by all means, forget you have a match tonight, because I would be more than happy to take that title from you. *Decent crowd pop for the comments* Now, Destructo.... I came out on my first match with an old, antiquated title from a defunct fed to prove a point to Torvald Reikkerson. Me and him had some unsettled business to deal with. But you, you decide you want to mess with me over that piece of tin. You are so conceited to think that the IeWS title meant ANYTHING to me before you made it an issue. You are sadly mistaken. Now, it means something to me for the sole purpose of showing you that you don't deserve that, or any other title. One day, you'll learn REAL MEN don't attack from behind. REAL MEN don't try to maim and injure their opponents. REAL men meet their opponents face to face. I did, against you, at the PPV recently, and beat you. You attack me after the match. Some champion you are. Your time will come, and when it does, you'll know it's me because I'll beat you AGAIN, one on one, face to face. You can't say the same. Oh, and Sim, tonight...you get to learn what it's like...to be REAL.