MATCH #8: Weapons of Last Resort vs. Murder, Inc.

{"Couldn't Stand the Weather" by Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble
signals the entrance of Toshiro Kenzake and "Gunslinger" Glenn Turner
down the aisle, wearing matching white leather dusters and pants,
black boots, and mirrorshades, looking sort of like a pair of angelic
Terminators ... as they reach the ring, Kenzake 'politely requests'
a microphone from the ring announcer, and tosses it over to Glenn.}

[Turner]
Last week, Children of Apocalypse, I started to give you some 
advice, but you were just a lil' too busy trying to pound me into
puppy-chow to pay attention. So now that you're licking your wounds,
let me make it a bit clearer: you've been misled, misguided, misused
and mistreated in EWC, by parties that don't give a damn about you.
And if you don't start thinking for yourself -- and thinking "maybe
we don't want to be in the path of Weapons of Last Resort" -- there's
a good chance you're going to be Missing In Action.

But anyhow, last week we were just plain steamed in general, I'll 
admit ... but then we at least got the Troublemint Twins into the 
ring, and we laid our fair share of hurting on them --

[Kenzake]
--and took some hurt too ...

[Turner]
--and laid our fair share of hurting on them ... so now, with all
that chance to work out our stress, bang some issues into somebody
else's noggin, I suppose all that anger's out of our system.

{Kenzake and Turner give each other a long look}

[Turner]
Nope ... we're still angry.

{takes off his shades with an intent gaze} Call us stubborn, but
Tosh and me, we don't forget quite that easy. Siouxnami, BOC,
Frozen Hell, you're still in our sights. And now Murder Inc.
comes along, and says they've got a problem with us?

[Kenzake]
Spinelli, Haynes -- after we beat you in tourney, we offer you
a rematch, yes? Then, you say you do not want it ... but now,
you act as if we have wronged you. I wonder what has changed.
Perhaps it is that we have so many other teams to fight? Perhaps
you think we will be easy to beat then? You are in error, Murder
Inc. ... you are in GREAT error!

[Turner]
But actually, we're kinda glad you changed your mind. Because Tosh
and I, we've developed some strange attitudes about pain lately --
delivering it's becoming more and more of a good thing, and taking
it's becoming less and less of a bad thing. So congratulation,
Murder Inc. -- you just jumped to the head of the line in the Danger
To Ourselves And Others tour. But a friendly word of warning: you may
not make it off the bus.


<<The crowd shows their appreciation as Bruce Springsteen comes up on 
the P.A. system with "Murder, Inc." Frank "the Assassin" Spinelli 
and Terry "Hitman" Haynes walk the aisle to a torrent of boos, althought 
the camera does catch two young men standing along the metal barrier 
holding up a large sign that reads: "Friends of the Family".  Haynes points 
the sign out to Spinelli and both men "pistol-shoot" their index 
fingers at the men before continuing on to the announcer's table.  
Once there, Spinelli picks up and dons a spare headset as Issac 
Cross stands and begins to speak, but is quickly interrupted:

<Cross>
Well folks, it looks like Murder, Inc. wants to do an interview
before th.....

<"Assassin">
Shaddup old man, or you'll find yourself interviewing Jimmy Hoffa.
KENZAKE AND TURNER, the last time we wrestled you two
freakazoids, Murder, Inc. was unprepared, we were over-confident,
and we got beat.  Tonight we're ready for yas, and if you think the
same things gonna happen, we got just one word for ya.....

(Spinelli rips off the headset as both men yell.....)
.....FUGGEDABOUDIT!!!

+++SHORT REPORT MODE ON+++
Murder Inc hits the ring fists flying, Spinelli on Turner, Haynes on Kensake.
Spinelli hits a few fast rights, followed by a belly to belly suplex to get
him off of his feet..while poor Terry is getting buffetted by chops from
the much larger Kensake.  This is changed when Spinelli knocks Turner over
the top rope, then turns his attention to Kensake just as Haynes hit a
throat chop to back the big man off.  Both Spinelli and Haynes then dropkick
opposite sides of Kensake's knee, then repeat, causing Kensake to stagger a
bit.  When they go the third time, however, Kensake dodges and both men
dropkick each other.  Spinelli rolls out as Kensake sends Haynes to the ropes
and flapjacks him...with Turner nailing a dragon screw on the way down to a
HUGE pop from the crowd.  

Turner keeps working on Haynes' knee, hitting a shoulderblock to it before
settling in on a basic standing legtwist.  Haynes gets to the ropes, but Turner
yanks him out of the ropes, drags him to his corner, tag to Kensake, who
climbs over the ropes, hits a chop strike to Haynes leg, then goes to a stepover
toehold to keep working on the legs.  Haynes reaches up, rakes the eyes
of Kensake, then crawls to make the tag, as Spinelli very slowly enters the ring
to face the big man.  Spinelli actually challenges Kensake to a test of strength,
but after Kensake locked his left hand with Spinelli's right, Spinelli hit a low
kick to Kensake's knee, followed by a knife-edge that Kensake no-sold, then
returned with a force that knocked Spinelli back five feet.  Headbutt by
Kensake, then a beel throw out of the corner that cause Spinelli to literally
roll a foot or two before stopping short of his opponents' corner.  Kensake
picks up Spinelli and holds him up there for a high vertical suplex, only
he comes down placing the claw on the stomach of Spinelli.  Tag to Turner while
Spinelli is in the stomach claw, Turner with a slingshot legdrop.

Turner grabs Spinelli's leg for a couple of fast elbowdrops to the knee, followed
by a crucifix legbar.  After a minute of this, Haynes sneaks in and hits an
enziguri to break the hold.  While the ref is distracted getting Haynes back
to the corner, Turner tags Kensake..but the ref tells Kensake he didn't see the
tag.  In the confusion, Haynes hits Turner with a low blow and Spinelli nails a
fast DDT to gain control...tag to Haynes, Spinelli and Haynes with the double team
stomp to the back, referee throws Spinelli out, Spinelli gets the refs attention
while Terry chokes Turner on the ropes, then slingshots him backwards.
Terry picks Turner up, short arm kneesmash, tag to Spinelli, double belly to back
suplex, Spinelli applies a surfboard.  Turner reaches for the tag, but before he
gets it Haynes distracts the referee again, causing Kensake to start to get 
irate on the outside...double backdrop on Turner, then both men do a charging
forearm on Kensake..the force plus the surpise knocking Kensake off of the
apron.

MI wishbones Turner's legs, then hits a double stomp to the groin that has Ray
Chapman threatening disqualification.  Spinelli hits a snapkick on the downed
Turner, then grabs his legs and slingshot catapults him into his corner.  Spinelli
sets Turner on the second rope and tags Haynes, who comes off with a tornado bulldog
for a 2 count.  Haynes then goes over to the corner and bitchslaps Kensake, who
roars into the ring, *ALMOST* going through the referee in the process, but allowing 
MI to do the handslap "fake tag" and hitting a double gutbuster on Turner.  
Spinelli with the abdominal stretch on Turner..the referee does the knockout check
bit once...twice.....Turner's still in it.  Turner eventually getting out of the 
stretch with a hiptoss, but Spinelli tags Haynes first and Haynes cuts off 
Turner...

...but he gets too close to Kensake and Kensake reaches out and yankes Haynes 
backwards hard by his hair!! This causes Turner to stagger forward and make the
hot tag.  Dojo of Fire ensues, with the big man sending both members of Murder Inc.
flying all over the place.  Kensake grabs both men..double noggin knocker, sending
Haynes flying backwards.  Kensake then grabs Spinelli by the throat...sends him 
up for the Chokeslam.  Toshiro tags Turner...but Haynes NAILS Turner with a
dropkick before he can get into the ring.  Kensake lifts Haynes for the chokeslam..
but a low blow from behind by Spinelli staggers the big man, and Haynes pushes 
off the top turnbuckle with the tornado DDT on the big man.  Both members
of Murder Inc then set up for a double suplex..but Kensake wiggles out and
hits a twin DDT.  Kensake then starts climbing towards the top to an insanely loud
crowd pop.  He sets for "The Biggest Moonsault in the SWA"...only Spinelli shoves
him forward with a lunge, and he slips and crotches himself on the top turnbuckle.
Spinelli climbs the ropes and starts firing shots onto the back of his head,
while Haynes slowly gets to his feet.....only to have Turner nail a springboard 
enziguri from behind!! Cover..one...two...three as Spinelli just notices what's 
happening.

*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*
*   Weapons of Last Resort, by pinfall  10:10    *
*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*

<Cross>
And that is EXACTLY why you have to pay attention to *BOTH* members of a tag team..
Kensake is a threat and a force, but you CANNOT count out the Gunslinger.

<Byron>
While you're over here spouting metaphors, Spinelli has a steel chair..and he just PASTED
Kensake off of the top rope...and now he nails Turner in the head as well before dropping
the chair on them and walking outside.

<Cross>
Murder Inc. raising their hands to a chorus of boos, but everyone knows who
really won this match tonight, as the Weapons score another tough-fought win in
as many as two weeks.  Fans, when we return, our main event!!!!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

<<EWC wrestler Sidi al Nassir is standing in the corner of the ring,
testing the ropes, jogging in place, and psyching himself up for
a match.  Ready, he turns to face the other corner and the camera
pans to show what he sees as well.  In the opposite corner, in full
three-point stance, is a man dressed in a complete Cleveland 
Browns football uniform, including helmet and pads.  The bell
rings to begin the match and the football player explodes out of his
stance to completely level al Nassir with a vicious tackle.  The man
in the football uniform then jumps up and begins celebrating, finally
stopping at mid-ring and removing his helmet to reveal "Crazy" Jay
Gillette with his face painted orange except for a brown streak right
down the middle.  He spikes the helmet in mid-ring and begins to 
howl to the fans in celebration when the camera freeze-frames and
large white block letters are super-imposed over the screen reading:

                        MUST BE FOOTBALL SEASON

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

<<We come back to air and a very strange looking man wearing a hooded jacket
and jeans is walking around ringside carrying a sign that says "God help
us, they're coming back!"  Security finally subdues the man and takes him out 
through the crowd...>>

<Byron>
What the hell was...

<Cross>
Folks, it's time for our FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MAIN EVENT!!!  Jeremy,
we've got two of the roughest....

<<The acoustic version of "Crazy" comes up on the PA as Ernie Grendel
saunters out, EWC Heavyweight Championship belt draped over one 
shoulder, a shopping bag in one hand,  and a microphone in the other. 
Apparently he's already talking, but the sound guys don't cut his 
music until>>

[Ernie] [conversationally]
- pile of pads and think "This is how it's gonna feel when I land on the
unsprung mat at 30 miles per hour..." So Bill points to the ladder and 
says "Ok, Ern. Now *you* try it." <<he pauses, apparently not noticing 
the rather sizable amount of heel heat he's getting>>

<Cross> (over the talking)
Uh, would someone mind telling me what Ernie's even doing out here, 
let alone why he's rambling about this?

<Byron>
Well, according to our one cameraman over here, he's listed as doing 
additional color commentary for this match.

<Cross>
Wonderful.  Now why is he whining in the ring again?

<Byron>
See, that's Ernie's point.  He's had it up to here to breaking himself
for these idiots, but he doesn't have a choice...LeBeaux and the 
Proletariat regime here at EWC force him to go out there, night after
night, to risk his body and his career for a few cheap thrills.

<Cross>
That's why he hasn't wrestled since Hot August Night.

[Ernie]
And that, friends, was the first concussion I ever got, training with Cut N Shoot.
[Ernie smiles - at least, it looks ike it might be a smile through all 
that hair - and shakes his head slowly] Which I guess gives you some
idea of why it is that, for all the strangeness, I still kinda *like*
you, Fuego. You have that same 'I don't give a damn what happens 
to me' attitude. That kind of suicidal integrity that'll make your 
last match on Earth a guaranteed **** event...

[PA SYSTEM]
"WHEN I GET TO THE BOTTOM I GO BACK TO THE TOP OF THE SLIDE"

<<MAJOR, MAJOR CROWD POP!!! PA System kicks in with "Helter Skelter" by the Beatles>>

<Cross>
BILL CURTIS!! BILL CURTIS IS IN THE BUIDLING, AND HE'S ON HIS WAY OUT!!!

<<The fans are going nuts as Curtis stands on the stage..then hits Ernie's hair
most as the pyros go off, sending the fans into Heat Central.  Curtis has a mike
in his hand>>

[Bill Curtis]
*to the crowd*  Hiya.  Don't mind me, but I actually have a little 
business here.

<<CROWD POPAROONIE>>

*to Ernie*  Heya Ern.  Been a little while - I've had, er, issues, but 
I'm feeling better.  You look like you've seen better days though.  
Never mind the bumps and bruises - we both know they heal.  
You've gotta lighten up man.  This thing with Fuego ... you're taking 
this waaaayyyy too seriously.  It's not like he's Monroe or anything.

<<Another crowd pop, as Ernie tilts his head and looks at Bill>>

So, I figure what you need is to cut loose a little bit.  How, you may 
ask?  Simple - you versus me, in that ring ... or more likely, 
anywhere but in that ring.  Loser has to pay Jane's bar tab. In fact,
lets do it next week.

<<The fans go apeshit>>

<Cross>
CURTIS CHALLENGING GRENDEL TO A MATCH RIGHT HERE IN THIS RING!!!!

<Byron>
And you know something?  LeBeaux probably put him up to it.  Curtis is as much
of a nutjob, if not more, than Ernie has been, and he knows this is gonna
push Grendel's buttons.  I'll be surprised if either man walks away unscathed
next week.

[Ernie]
Bill? Are you actually asking for a match with me? Shoot, man, you 
didn't have to go through all this! I'd gladly risk life and limb in 
a highspot festival of life-endangering proportions with you! And 
afterward...if we survive...we'll get pizza. I'll see you next week.

<<"Helter Skelter" kicks back on as the fans pop like fiends.  Curtis smiles
before heading back to the back>>

<Cross>
Folks, that's a match that can have severe implications for Hardcore Homecoming..
not to mention two mens careers, as we are now joined at ringside by Ernie Grendel.

<Ern>
Hey guys, what's up?

<Byron>
Not much, Ern.  What's in the bag?

<Ern>
Props. Y'see, I'm here tonight to explain the inner workings of a Falls Count
Anywhere match, and I brought some things to diagram with it.

<Cross>
Ern, we can talk about that later, I have a feeling things are picking up right now..

MATCH #9: FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE
	  Beyond Our Control vs. Siouxnami


+++SHORT REPORT MODE ON+++
Well, there was about 7 minutes left oF TV time to work with this, so they 
hit the ground running, brawling their way out of the back, Sitting Bull on
Jules Baen, Crazy Horse on Gerry Cannon.  Siouxnami had the very obvious
size advantage in this match, but Baen and Cannon were more creative in
the "hardcore" aspects of the match, so things were surprisingly very even.

Sitting Bull sent Baen into the crowd to brawl, and they ended up throwing each
other into everything not nailed down.  Horse and Cannon actually got *into* the
ring, where Cannon hit a couple of throat chops, then came off in a springboard
crossbody that Horse caught in mid-air, then gorilla pressed him to the concrete
floor.  Ernie gave that move a 7.0 for impact, but it was a legit wrestling move,
so it wasn't as effective for pure garbage wrestling.

Meanwhile, Bull and Baen continued to fight their way through the fans..Bull
tried for a clothesline but missed, running into a wall...Baen grabbed a nearby
steel chair and thrust it into Bull's stomach (Ernie said he didn't have the proper
velocity for the true damage a chair can inflict), then teed off on his head (Ernie
called that an improved shot).  Bull kicked Baen in the stomach, forcing him to drop
the chair, then hit a double powerbomb right onto the chair to stun Baen.

Horse was on the outside, tossing Cannon every which way..ring steps, steel guardrail,
steel ringpost.  Horse attempted to whip Cannon into the Spanish announcers table,
but Cannon reversed, and Horse goes backfirst into the SAT.  Cannon then rears back,
jumps off the steel steps and hits a huracanrana on Horse onto the table, then grabs
a steel chair, sets it up, then jumps to the chair..to the apron..to the TOP ROPE
and springboards back into a QUADRUPLE JUMP MOONSAULT THROUGH THE TABLE.  Ernie stood
up and clapped, as both men were slow in getting up.

Baen and Bull had battled their way back to the concession stand area, where a bearded
man in a striped uniform had a hotdog stand set up.  Baen had grabbed Bull and nailed a
reverse DDT on Bull..then he went over to grab the umbrella off of the stand to use.
The vendor took exception to this, grabbed a corn dog..and JAMMED THE CORNDOG, STICK
AND ALL, into the eye of Jules Baen!  The beard came off in the tussle, and he was
revealed as Chris Monroe....Bull and Monroe then turn the entire cart over onto
the fallen and bleeding Jules Baen.  Monroe tells Bull there's no ref here, and Bull
starts heading back towards the ring.

+++SHORT REPORT MODE OFF+++
<Cross>
Cannon, now, teeing off again with that chair, and Crazy Horse is as 
dazed as it gets right now...cover by CANNON...ONE....TWO.....

*CRACK*

<Byron>
Sitting Bull with the save there, as he smacked a steel chair across the
face of Cannon..and now Bull teeing off on Cannon at ringside.

<Ernie>
Ya know, I read somewhere that some Internet pundit thought that 
Jules and Gerry's work was, um, [pulls out a piece of paper] "Innovative
when it first came out, but it hasn't changed since and it's getting 
old." And that really hurts, man...

<Cross>
Uh...Ernie..we're a little busy with the match here...Bull picking up
Cannon...POWERBOMBS him onto the ring apron, holds on..POWERBOMBS HIM
BACKFIRST ONTO THE STEEL GUARDRAIL before bombing him one more time on
the concrete!!!! 

<Byron>
Now, you see, THAT is ART, Ernie...like that paper of yours says, that's
the kind of innovation BoC has lacked the past few years...

<Ernie>
Well, yeah. There's really only so many ways you can smack someone with
a random object. Mind you, you *can* be creative with what it is that 
you're working with... like this... [THUMP]

<Byron>
That's a sack of flour, Ernie.

<Cross>
Bull with a cover...one...two......Cannon kicked out! I cannot believe he
kicked out of that.  Bull now coming over to check out how Crazy Horse is
doing..

<Ernie>
Yeah. But it's a little more than that...

<<As Sitting Bull crosses past the announcers table, Ernie flings a handful of
flour into the eyes of Sitting Bull, blinding him briefly>>

<Byron>
Hey, WAIT a minute...

<Ernie>
There's the old 'powder to the eyes' trick... and of course, it's a 
five pound sack... so you could HIT the guy with it...

<<Ernie then smacks Bull across the face with the closed end of the sack..staggering
him back into a schoolboy attempt by Cannon>>

<Cross>
CANNON WITH THE PIN....ONE...TWO....kickout by Bull, and now Cannon firing fast
rights and lefts on the fallen Bull

<Byron>
But Crazy Horse now finally standing up after that quad-jump moonsault that Cannon
hit...

<Ernie>
But the really cool thing is... have you ever seen a grain silo fire? 
Check this out... I learned this from Ed Carr... 

<<At this point, Ernie leaves the table, breaks out a lighter and a little lighting
fluid, squirts the bag, then lights it and throws it two-handed right into Crazy
Horse's face>>

<Cross> 
That bag right into the....DEAR GOD!!!!!!!

<<The visual is that the bag lights a HUGE fireball..a couple feet in diameter...
right in the face of Crazy Horse.  He drops like a stone, black marks across his face.
The fire quickly burns out except for a few embers, but Ernie casually picks up the
grocery bag and leaves as paramedics, Sitting Bull...even Dr. Shrapnel and Gerry Cannon...
walk over to check on Crazy Horse.

<Cross>
Folks, Crazy Horse is *seriously* hurt here....

<Byron>
I knew Grendel had issues with Siouxnami ever since they jumped him and put him out several
weeks ago...but I didn't think...I mean....

<Cross>
Folks, Horse is screaming in pain right now...Ernie is just very casually leaving the
scene...Shrapnel is loudly yelling at Ernie right now....folks, we're out of time.

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