I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM
by Dynlubio

E-mail : [email protected]
Rating: PG
Spoiler: Heat
Summary: Lana attends Lex’s wedding and she’s hot.
Distribution: Hazardous is okay. If you want to archive my stories please email me at [email protected]
Feedback: Yes, please, thanks!
Disclaimer: I don’t own anybody or anything. I’m just writing this because I want to.

***

It’s hot. It’s very, very hot. I bet my face is glistening with sweat, bare without a trace of makeup. I probably wiped it all off an hour ago. And my gown, although exquisite when I put it on earlier, must look like an utter mess by now.

Come to think of it, why would anyone get married in the worst heat wave since, I don’t know, balls of fire rained down on earth in biblical times?

Only he would.

I don’t know how to love him/ what to do, how to move him/ I’ve been changed, yes really changed/ these past few days when I see myself/ I seem like someone else

How do I start with someone like Lex Luthor? Honestly, I never thought I would even meet that man I found making out in a pool all those years ago. But, sometimes, fate twists and you find yourself in the Luthor Mansion, not as a guest but as a friend. And you want to be more than that.

I don’t know how it happened. He was just a friend at first; a protective older brother... then he became something more... definitely more.

I don’t know how to take this/ I don’t see how he moves me/ he’s a man, he’s just a man/ and I’ve *known* so many men before/ in very many ways he’s just one more

He’s rich, he’s handsome, he’s conceited... I could go on and on about what makes him appealing to other people. But to me, it’s not who or what he is, but who and what I am when he looks at me. There are times when I still feel like that little girl, a pathetic, whining princess and I look at him, looking at me and I feel strong. Strong enough to hurt him. It scares me, the things I see myself doing in his eyes.

I’ve always been told I’m too naïve, that I wear what I feel on my face. And he’s not like that. There’s an internal battle of wills that sometimes surfaces in those stormy blue gray eyes for a second before disappearing again. That’s what I admire the most about him, his ability to actually hide his true feelings from other people and only show it to people he truly trusts... like me.

And that’s why I feel this for him...

Should I bring him down? / Should I scream and shout? / Should I speak of love let my feelings out? / I never thought I’d come to this/ what’s it all about?

And it’s killing me inside, painfully, slowly... deliciously... This infatuation, this unacceptable, unrequited feeling for him. I can’t stop it, nor can I reveal it. It’s not even a question of what if he will reciprocate. It never was. I only want to love him... I don’t know how I could or if he’d let me. I just want to.

Yet if he said he loved me/ I’d be lost, I’d be frightened

Not that he would... let me. Of course not. The man is getting married... actually he is! And he wouldn’t DO anything because his friend has feelings for me.

He’s talking to Clark. I saw them when I turned to wipe my neck dry of sweat. And he glanced at me. I shifted my eyes.

I couldn’t cope, just couldn’t cope/ I’d turn my head, I’d back away/ I wouldn’t want to know...

"Lana."

He’s standing a few steps away from me. I can’t see him, but I know he is. The way my heart is beating, rapidly and strongly against my chest, I know he’s a mere couple of feet away from me. I turn and he was.

"Congratulations," I managed to say through my teeth.

A guileless smile appeared making him appear young and cute and—"Thank you. Someone told me the groom is supposed to hug everyone."

I couldn’t help but smile as well. "Really?"

He extended his arms, waiting for me to come into his embrace.

He scares me so...

I stepped towards him, hesitating for a bit before he gathered me towards him, my face coming flushed with his chest. I raised my hands to barely touch his back.

"It means so much to me that you and Clark are here. I can’t believe I’m married," he’s saying.

I want him so...

I took a tiny step backwards and smiled up at him. "We’re just... happy for you, Lex. Very happy."

He shrugged, smiling. He never stopped smiling. "Enjoy the party, then."

"Okay..." The word barely left my lips and he was gone. I watched him make his way through his guests, nodding, smiling and I couldn’t help but feel glad.

Even though he’s not going to be mine, just the thought of loving him, silently and in my own way, makes me feel... happy, really happy.

I love him... so...

*dynlubio 5/2/2003 3:45 PM

*changed lyric from 'had'* The song is from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar.