Chapter 6
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I finished my last race and clung to the side of the pool gasping for breath. Subconsciously my eyes drifted to the risers where the two people I loved most in the world stood. My mom was clinging to Victor�s arm in a show of barely contained excitement and he had a huge grin on his face as he clapped proudly. It wasn�t difficult to imagine that they were had never fought, had never broken up, and were now cheering on their daughter. If only� I had almost succeeded in making myself believe my daydream was possible when the harsh voice of the announcer brought reality crashing back down. �1st, Katia Morozova.� I cringed as my last name blared over the loud speakers. Morozova; daughter of a man who beat his wife and couldn�t even be bothered to come see his child compete. Some father. After that evening�s celebratory dinner with my mom and Victor (naturally dad didn�t think my victory was worthy of congratulations much less a dinner) I curled up in my bed and pulled out Vic�s diary. *diary* Oct. 9th I know I have to break in off with Shae for two reasons: Firstly, I had promised to be faithful to Maikki and I keep my promises. Secondly, relationships begun with lying and cheating rarely end well. I love Shae-Lynn too much to lose her like that. I�ve attempted to simply eliminate the romantic overtones from our partnership; to exorcise the tender comments and secretive touches that have come to characterize our relationship but it hasn�t worked. Whenever Shae and I are together, rational thought flies out of the window and I become a slave to my emotions. I can�t stay away. It�s as if I�ve opened Pandora�s box and released the feelings we�ve both been hiding for so long. Now, no matter how hard I try, I can�t lock them back inside. I have to take drastic measures. I have to remove myself from temptation. Tomorrow. Oct. 11th I had a plan. I had figured out exactly how to remove myself from temptation� permanently. After procrastinating over how to broach the subject all of yesterday, I finally managed to do put my plan into action. I was staring at the pale yellow plastic of the tabletop visualizing my upcoming conversation. I didn�t want to make any mistakes. �Are you all right? You�re looking a little flushed.� I glanced up into my partner�s concerned eyes brown eyes and shrugged. Shae slid into the seat across from me in our favourite diner and slipped her soccer-ball jacket from her shoulders. �I fine.� �Are you sure? You�ve been acting strangely for days.� �I�m fine.� I replied shortly. �All right.� Shae muttered, doubt evident on her expressive face before she abruptly changed the subject. �You called me. What do you want?� �I wanted to enjoy a pleasant lunch with my best-friend.� Her fingernails drummed impatiently on the table as she waited for me to reveal my true motivation. I cursed that she knew me so well, �We need to talk about touring.� A delighted smile lit her face and she reached into her handbag for a notepad which she quickly flipped open. �Which ones do you want to do this year? And which, if any, contracts do you think we should sign?� �None.� Confusion clouded her delicate features, �What?� �I can�t do this anymore. I�m not being honest to Maikki or to myself and I hate that. I just�I just want to end this.� �End what?� Shae was clearly frustrated by my lack of a straight answer, �Our illicit affair?� She grimaced as if the term left a bad taste on her tongue. �I was under the impression that we HAD ended it.� �We had.� �Then what do you want to end!?� �The partnership.� The simple utterance sent a knife into my heart and I saw the same pain echoed in Shae�s tawny eyes. I hurried on, eager to soothe the hurt, to make the knife stop twisting. �I�d like to skate the spring tour across Canada and then call it quits.� Inwardly I berated myself for that last cowardly request. Skating in CSOI had not been part of the plan but my heart had tacked it on hoping to prolong our parting. �Alright.� Shae whispered tearfully, but I�m only doing it for our fans.� Without another word, she stood and hurried out of the diner. She�d taken it fairly well, considering. *enddiary* I lay the diary down on my bed, more puzzled than ever. Mom had promised that she�d do the spring tour but I knew for a fact that their last performance had taken place in December of 2003. I leafed through the pages of the book to find an explanation. *diary* Oct. 18th Shae spoke to me today for the first time since I informed her of my decision and the news was not good. I had been getting in some ice time while Shae-Lynn coached Melissa Gregory on the other rink. I was winding down with some hydroblading when a slim figure stepped onto the ice. Seconds later, agile fingers laced with my own and without a single word I drew her closer into a �Victor crush�. We ran through our snake charmer program twice and then drifted, hand-in hand, to the boards. �Good morning.� My partner whispered, �I need to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?� I nodded, and after slipping off our skates, we made our way to a seldom-used equipment room. We made certain to leave enough empty space between us, in order to strengthen our fragile grip on control. From my position leaning against the door, I watched as Shae gracefully settled herself on the edge of a box. She�d seem pale and tense for several days now and this morning was no exception. Her agitation was evident in the incessant twisting of her fingers. �I�ve been thinking about what you said�� �You can�t convince me to change my mind.� I interjected. �I�m not asking you to. I agree with you reasoning. I�m changing MY mind.� �About what?� These ridiculous conversations were becoming a habit with us. For years we had been able to communicate with ease, always saying what we were thinking straight out. It seemed those days were over. Our feelings for one another had destroyed the simplicity of our relationship, the comfortable companionship we�d always known. �About CSOI. It isn�t right for me to skate in a farewell tour when I have no intention of calling it quits. Besides, I�m not sure that I can stand to be around you for that long.� �But you said�� �I know exactly what I said,� Shae cried, �I�m changing my mind! I hadn�t thought it through before.� I turned to the wall, furious at myself for being so upset. I had wanted this to happen. I had wanted the partnership to end. It had been my decision and it had been the right one. If all that were true, why did I feel so utterly wretched? I did what any sane man, with a wish to stay sane, would do in the same situation. I placed the blame on someone else. �Why do women have to be so g*dd**n indecisive! You promised Shae-Lynn!� �So did you, remember?� Shae hissed viciously as she walked out the door. I winced, knowing that she was right and wishing more that ever that I could keep that promise. It was too late for me to change my mind now; too late to go back to the way things were. Even if it wasn�t I�d made an earlier vow to Maikki. I had put a great deal of thought into my proposal. My heart and my mind had both contributed, agreeing that it was the correct choice (I refuse to acknowledge the regret I felt at knowing I was losing my chance to have Shae-Lynn). I couldn�t help but think that a commitment made after such reflection was more important to uphold that a promise my heart had made for me on the spur of the moment. Yet even now I can�t help but recall how beautiful Shae had looked with her tousled blonde hair spread across the pillow, her body curled up against my own, and a drowsy, contented smile stretched lazily across her face. �I love you. I�ll always love you.� I whispered. �You promise?� �I promise.� Well, I hadn�t actually broken my promise. I still love her and I can�t imagine that my feelings will ever change. *enddiary* I paused and reread the page. This was in no way a satisfactory explanation. Even Victor didn�t understand mom�s reasoning and he knew her better than anyone. That left only one person who could tell me why mom had changed her mind. Mom.
