Never Meant to Be
Back to Let Go
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."
I stepped out of the taxi and looked up at the looming gray building. I didn�t want to go any closer, to submit to the depression and hopelessness that enfolded it like a shroud. I finally forced my unwilling muscles to lift my feet and at agonizingly slow pace, I made my way up the stairs. The ensuing situation was bound to be awkward and I wouldn�t even wish it on my worst enemy. I almost changed my mind as I stood by the revolving doors, watching the flow of people in and out. There were no smiles on these faces and no laughter or idle chatter pierced the morning stillness. Everyone looked as though they�d just left a funeral. For most of them, they might as well have. The building was the Richmond Center for Lung Cancer and somewhere inside lay my best friend. A best friend that I hadn�t seen in a little over a decade. A long separation had not served to aid in forgetting; his face remained etched in my memory and would for years to come. The best twelve years of my life were spent with him. How perfect everything had seemed then. How happy we were with our lives. When we were dancing we floated across the glassy surface of the ice. In 2004 we stopped dancing and the bump as we hit the ground changed everything. He�d asked to go, and I, in the folly of believing some ridiculous quote, had let him. It was the biggest mistake I�d ever made. He had never come back. I stepped up to the receptionist�s desk, unsure of how I�d gotten inside the building. �Dominic Reifen�s room please?� �Name?� The elderly woman inquired. Would she let me in if I gave my own name? Would she call the room first and find that I was unwelcome and uninvited? Was it only for family, these last few days? �Allison Monroe.� I watched as she typed rapidly into her keyboard. After what seemed an eternity, she found what she was looking for. �You are his sister, Allison?� Sister? Had Dominic registered my name hoping that I would come? The elevator ride seemed never-ending though in actuality the trip to the third floor could not have take more than a minute. I knocked softly on the door and, hearing a whispered response, crossed my fingers hoping it was assent. I tugged the door open and glanced around. The room was colorless and smelled the way any hospital would. The white of the bed sheets emphasized the pallor of thin cheeks. �You came.� Dominic said softly. �Of course I did. You�re my best friend.� I replied, struggling to maintain a rapidly shredding grip around my emotions. �Maija isn�t here at the moment,� Dominic whispered, �I sent her home to get some sleep.� My fears of an uncomfortable situation marginally assuaged, I sat gingerly down on the edge of Nick�s bed. The hand I took in my own was much bonier than I remembered. Despite the pain and his imminent death, his eyes still sparkled with the joie de vivre of better days. �Thank god I�m not too late. I would have come sooner had I known.� �What do you mean?� �I didn�t even know that you were ill until Jenny called me yesterday.� The confusion on his face deepened, �I asked Maija to let you know weeks ago.� �I�m here now and that�s what matters.� I soothed, not wanting him to get upset. The tears were threatening once again, and I blurted out the question that had been haunting me since we�d parted, �Why did you never come back Nick?� �I didn�t think that you wanted me to. I didn�t know what to say. Everything was out of control and moving too fast. I wanted to press pause. I wanted to come and find you. And then Maija came back and I figured that maybe everything would go back to normal again. I came close to leaving her so many times, but I wasn�t sure if you�d have me back. You seemed so happy.� �How could I ever be happy without you?� The grip on my hand tightened as Dominic grimaced in pain. �Are you alright? I�ll call for a nurse.� �No, she�ll just give me drugs to put me back to sleep. I�d rather look at you and suffer through.� �Is there anything I can do?� �Dance with me?� The tone was different but the request echoed one Dominic had made 25 years earlier, in 1991. As I had then, I complied. It was only fitting that our lives together would start and end with the same three words. �I stretched out next to Nick on the bed, resting my left hand on a shoulder that had lost its muscle. I raised our clasped and gently began to softly sing an old favourite: You fill up my senses Like a night in a forest Like the mountains in springtime Like a walk in the rain Like a storm in the desert Like a sleepy blue ocean You fill up my senses Come fill me again Come let me love you Let me give my life to you Let me drown in your laughter Let me die in your arms Let me lay down beside you Let me always be with you Come let me love you Come love me again His lips brushed against my own and a familiar tingle traced its way down my spine. �I love you,� He admitted, �I always have.� �I love you.� I replied, my voice choked with tears, �Why didn�t we do this sooner� �I guess we just weren�t meant to be.� In silence, we continued our intimate dance until he slipped away.
