September 1, 2004

I noticed that tonight was a very clear night as I drove home from my shift at the Tribune. It was slightly warmer than yesterday, but still pretty cool. Tonight's temperature allowed me to roll down my windows and not get frost bite. I was on a mission tonight, finally. Much like the soap incident a few of you had the opportunity to hear about, it was time for me to get some deodorant. I decided to head over to the local WalMart and buy it. Along with that, I also decided to finally get my one true addiction, Gummi Candy. Most of you don't know this, but I stopped eating Gummi Candy and Wendy's this summer just because they were a serious addiction in college. I found my self constantly on High St. begging my fellow students for change. Kidding. I got the candy and I was on my way.

My peaceful drive was interrupted, which rarely happens here, by a rather loud classic car. It was in great shape, but the owner purposely put in those loud mufflers that made the worst sound you could think of. It bleed into the night air and totally blotting out my music. At one point he got in front of me and basically sped forward. I decided to use my magic powers on him. You see, when I was in the 3rd grade, my friend Thomas and I thought that we had magical powers and it turned out that we did. All people are blessed with these powers, but you had to know the right words to unleash them. Strange huh? Back then, my magic phrases were "Check this out" for something good to happen and "Check it out" for something not so good. Trust me, it works. So tonight, to get back at the man, I whispered my phrase to the beat of the song that was playing and low and behold, the light turned red. The man could not escape me no matter how much speeding he did. Wasted all that gas for nothing. Check this out.

This night, much like the night I reviewed "My Fair Lady", was filled with stars. I couldn't keep my eyes on the road because, once again, I was staring at the Big Dipper. I wanted to get out and look at them, but I still have to get up tomorrow morning. So, until I have a chance to look up into the sky...

We are driving along a two lane highway somewhere in Ohio. We are coming back from some great quest that we had set out on early that morning and now it is time to return to our homes and rest together. As I am driving, we do not speak, because the silence between us is no longer uncomfortable like it was. I look over at you as you have your face pressed close to the window. The wind pressing against you in a hurry to pass us. I am in my own world trying to keep us on our path when you say, "Stop the car." I would normally ask why, but the tone of your voice contains no urgency. I pull off onto the side of the road and turn the car off. You open your door and I open mine. I come around to you and you grab my hand and begin to lead me into the field which lies only feet away from us. Suddenly, you take off letting go of my hand and I follow quickly. "What are you doing?" Is all I can think of, but I don't ask you because of my trust in you. You run faster than me and so when I finally catch up to you, you're lying on the ground looking up at the starry sky. "Lay down with me," you request and I grant your wish. I lay down with you under that sky and look up to the heavens. And I know that no night will ever be like this.

August 31, 2004

It's 2 o'clock in the morning and my eyes are burning and my head hurts. Hurts from being awake, hurts from conversations that I've had, hurts from lack of food, and hurts from just waking up. My teeth hurt, but I think that is just from lack of Calcium. I'm tired, but I figured why not update just a little before I go to sleep.

Today was my first day on the night police beat. I was to report to work at 2pm, which was a very nice change from my usual 9am call. I spent the morning just relaxing. I had time to enjoy a shake that I made and froze. I also got the rare chance to be alone in the house for once and just reflect on things. I won't lie, when I reflect, I do it aloud. To some folks that sounds strange, but for me it helps organize my thoughts a little better. The conversation with myself streamed from the amount of time I had left to my own personal mission that I have been on this summer. It was nice. After taking a shower, I slowly put my clothes on and headed to work. Before I left, I checked the mail. I had two packages containing to more members to the family. I have one more coming, but I've decided that I am done with this whole Giga Pet thing. When I thought about exactly how much money I spent on them, I knew that I had spent enough. Don't get me wrong, I have not lost interest in raising the things, but I definitely know when to stop and that time is now. I took one of the pets (Nano Baby) to work with me. I have to say that I was more interested in it than my job, not that I had a lot to do.

For the most part, Pat, the man I am working with, and I just listened to the radio for something to happen. He gave me a little advice, but the day was pretty uneventful. I have a story to cover tomorrow which I don't think will be too big of a deal. You know what's on my mind. Home.

So now I am awake listening to a sad love song by Something Corporate called "Globes and Maps." Why is it when you just feel dirty, you listen to music that makes you feel even worse? I don't feel sad really, I just feel like crap. Tired, hungry, disappointed, tomorrow.

Number of the day: 248

August 28, 2004

They days wouldn't pass faster if life were hooked up to a VCR...rather a DVD player (lets get with the times) and the fast-forward button was pushed.

Today was my final day in the Features Department at the South Bend Tribune. I'm not leaving the paper just yet though, I am going over to Metro desk to cover the night police beat. I am trying to get some hard news in to my clips packet. I am nervous though. Today started out as good as I could expect. I got up and decided to put on an OSU shirt so that the folks in features would remember the Buckeye that used to work with them. I was a little nervous going in though, because I had written up the story that I really didn't want to do the day before and today would be the day that Chris, my editor, told me what she thought. When I got in, the place was empty. Actually, Chris (the editor) and Chris (the writer) were in a meeting about her story. Chris was getting an early start on editing and this didn't help my nerves. But as I thought about it, I calmed down. This would be my last day anyway, who cares? Chris soon came back and told me what she thought about my story. She said I was close to finishing it, which was great. I just needed to make some minor adjustments. I did so, and the day continued.

Chris, the editor, took me out to lunch today. She took me to my favorite place in South Bend. There we pretty much talked about her past at the Tribune and my past in journalism. She asked me about the whole experience and I gave her the sparknotes version of it. I tried not to lie, but instead left out some points. I did learn a lot this summer and I am happy to have had this internship. After we got back, it was back to working on that story. Unfortunately most of the folks that I needed to talk to were not in their own offices, so I was out of luck. After being invited to dinner by Chris, the writer, and accepting, I went home early. As I made my journey, I listened to Something Corporate. I was feeling the music a little too much because I was speeding. I'm just glad I didn't get pulled over. But still, I love moments like that. When I connect with whatever I am listening to.

My Giga Pets came today! Not only did my mom find three of them in the basement, but I had bought some myself. She sent them all to me here in Indiana. Although they all need batteries, for some reason I was just excited to see them here. I cannot wait to start playing with them again. Nostalgia can be so heavy sometimes. One of the ones my mother sent me was a Nano Fighter and it just reminded me of the days when Alpha and I would train our fighters for a week and then fight them on Saturday. I don't remember who won, but they were good times. Now we have another old time tradition coming back. Pokemon. There is a new Pokemon game coming out and we are both going to buy it. He is down South right now, so we cannot battle every week like we used to. But when Winter Break comes for both of us, we are going to see who has the best trained Pokemon. I cannot wait to see him.

A while ago, my mother and I had a conversation. It was after Carmen and I had gone through, what seemed like, the end of our friendship. I felt horrible because the last three people that I considered my best friends, Alpha then Steven then Carmen, had all fallen out of my life. I wondered if it was me or if I just had really messed up relationships. My mother told me that sometimes you and your friends separate, but they almost always reunite with you. It might be the next day, it might be 20 years later. For once, I honestly took my mother's word and it seems like all of that has come true. First it was Alpha and I. Soon after, Steven came back and we discussed the problems that haunted our friendship. The other day, Carmen emailed me. I won't go into the details, but all I know is that I am glad that we are finally confronting what happened. I will always love Carmen no matter what that girl does to me. When I was without her, I felt so lost. Cole was a good friend at school, but I knew that there was no way that he and I would have a relationship like Carmen and I had. But for a while, Cole was filling that void for me. I am not saying that I'm ousting him, but I am just happy that my friend is back in her rightful spot. It is going to take time for things to heal between Carmen and I, but I am willing to take that time.

I miss writing so much. Exile has come to a complete halt just because I have been writing so much at work. Exile Running on a Tangent won't go any further until I reach that point in the book. It's crazy because I love this shit and yet I am so tired of writing right now that when I open the file to the 17th chapter, nothing comes to me. To be honest, I am not sure what is going to happen as far as the story goes and that scares me. I knew what was going to happen up until this point and now that it is finished, I don't know what to write. The story is not over though. When I go home, it will come, I hope.

So, the days until I leave are getting smaller. It's funny because I remember saying, "Only 9 more weeks. That's less than a quarter at school." Now here I am with only a week and a half left before I leave South Bend for good. I am very happy about this. I don't know how I am going to react on my way to OSU. I hope it's sunny out when I am driving. I am rolling down my music and blasting my music as loud as I can take it. Talk about connected with my music. I am going to enjoy every moment of that three hour drive. Speaking of that, I spoke to my roommate. His name is Dan and he is in the OSU Marching Band. he seems like a cool guy and I can't wait to meet him...well I guess I can. It will be nice to have the room to myself for a week. I can't wait to see everyone. I miss you all.

August 25, 2004

Excuse me for my lack of updates, especially after a long trip, but it was that very trip that left me without updates. I was so exhausted when I got back that I couldn't stay awake to really do any writing. At the same time, I was trying to figure out how to make Dreamweaver (what I build my site with) do the things I wanted it to with my pictures. I did figure it out and so here is the story of my trip and more.

Friday night after I was released from a show written by a former Tribune writer, I received a call from Cole saying that he was in town. Cole and his brother Chad would be spending the night at my place since they basically had no where else to go. I went over to meet them at Notre Dame where they were seeing their friend/producer, John Klein. As I sat there waiting for them to show up, I talked to Alec. It was nice just having a conversation with that kid offline. Cole and Chad finally showed up and after giving John a ride back to his dorm, the brothers followed me all the way out into Edwardsburg. It was nice seeing Cole again and it was especially nice to see his brother. The both of them got comfortable and used my computer to check their Xanga's before sitting down and watching my bootleg of Wicked (which I found out Cole stole). It was 1:30am and I needed to go to sleep, but for some reason I couldn't. I kept grinding my teeth and I wasn't sure why. At any rate, I didn't go to bed until around 3:15am and I got up at 7:00am. I had a 3 hour drive in front of my and I was nervous I would fall asleep. I didn't though.

It felt good to see Detroit again. As many times as I had come home, the feeling has never been saturated. I was to have lunch with my mentor from the Detroit Free Press and I told my mother that I would go over to her house first, but in a change of plans, I decided to go see my mother first before I took off. I think she was surprised. When I pulled up to the house, my dog Spirit began barking at me. Whether she was telling me to leave or that she missed me is unknown to me. I unlocked the door and walked in. I hugged my mother and it just felt great to see that woman again. Its like she is more beautiful every time I see her. One of the things that my mom and I do more often now than when I was in high school is have conversations. I spoke with my mother about everything it felt like. But it couldn't last too long because I still had a lunch appointment and I needed to get my haircut. Unfortunately I would be more late than I thought. There was a moderate amount of people in front of me, but I figured it would take about 45 minutes to get through them. Wrong. In fact, the guy right before me took at least 50 minutes to get his hair cut. He was so picky about his hair and then on top of that got his line up done with a razor. The guy did my hair in 15 minutes, why did it take him 50 with the other guy?

When I had gotten my hair cut, I had no time for a shower. I felt dirty with all the hair on me, but my mother took the vacuum and got the hair out of my head and clothes. I got in EXP and zoomed across town to meet up with Kelley L. Carter from the Free Press. She was to look over my clips from this summer and tell me what type of internship I needed to look into next year. She took me to Mongolian Barbaque. I have to say that for eating chicken for most of the summer, having shrimp was an excellent change. While I was there, I couldn't help but notice one of the cooks there. He was a white guy with long dread locks. Something about him was just different. He was cheerful and it looked like he loved his job. When I thanked him for my food, he would give me a karate bow and smile. He seemed nice. I think I want a character like him in Exile. Kelley looked over my clips and told me that they were good clips. I could be going to a bigger paper next year. I can't wait to start this process over again. After we finished eating, I needed to pick up a present for Alexandria's party and so I headed over to the Barns and Nobles to pick her up a CD that I had stolen from her. Les Miserables. I also got her the book to go with it. If you remember, she was in Les Miserables and we both went to see it last Christmas.

So it was time to pick up my buddy Gabriel. I had not seen up since last Christmas, although we do try to keep up on AIM. After getting completely lost, I finally found his house and he came outside. The guy has seriously grown since the last time I had seen him. He had grown a mustache and a beard, definitely not the 12 year old Gabriel that I used to know. Hell, not even the 15 year old Gabriel that I used to know. But although his outer appearance changed a little, he was still the same guy I've known all of these years. I think if there is anything I love about Gabriel is the highly intelligent conversations he can take on. Even when he was 14 or 15, I felt like I was talking to someone my age. I think that is the reason I don't mind hanging around this kid who is 3 years younger than I am. At any rate, we rode out to Alex's house and reminisced all the way.

Alex looked better than ever in her new punk rocker style. It was great seeing her too because she, like Gabriel, had not seen me since last Christmas. I spent most of the time taking random pictures with my new camera. Gabriel and I took turns fighting over Alex, trying to get the best picture with her. Yes, she got a lot of attention that day. Her friends from school were also there and I felt kind of weird being the oldest one at the party. But it was all good. Gabriel, Alex, and I conversed for the most part, which is really why I had fun. Her step father, John, cooked burgers and hotdogs for us to eat. I love it when that man grills. We ate and soon, a bond fire was built. It was beginning to get cold so a fire was just what we needed. I think the highlight of the night for me was just Gabriel and I talking about some of the things that used to happen to us onstage. Some very funny ones too. I also had a great time just seeing Alex again and us sharing our random "Dayum" and "Uhhh." I cannot say that I am sad to see her go just because I am so proud of her. She has a talent and she is not afraid to go with it fully. But it was soon time for Gabriel and I to leave and I drove him home. When I got home, I was tired. As soon as I hit the pillow, I was out.

The next day was Sunday and I couldn't wait to go to church. Like my relationship with my mother, church had become something special and rare to me, since I was not able to be there all the time. I was mostly interested in something I used to dread as a child and that was my pastor's sermon. When I was a child, I remember wanting to fall asleep as he preached, but now that I am older, I listen to what the man has to say. It almost makes me regretnot listening to him before, but at the same time, I am glad that I appreciate it now. Something else that has changed about church is the simple fact that when I am there, I feel like I am actually praising God. When I sing, it's for Him. When I pray, it's to Him. It's a great feeling. Seeing Pastor Skip again was great too. I don't even shake the man's hand anymore because I love him so much. I have to hug him. When I was a kid, I did not trust the man for some reason. But that has since faded and I can't imagine there being a Genesis Lutheran Church without him.

After church, my mother, my cousin Michelle, and I went over to my grandmother's house. She wasn't home because she was visiting a different church, but my other cousin and her son were home. He was taking a bath. My mother and Michelle played with him for a while and then they all came downstairs. Michelle is getting married soon so I attacted her with questions about it. She is having me sing a song called "The Promise." I decided that I would sing it in Latin like Josh Groban does. Should be interesting. My grandmother and aunt Robin came home and I was so excited to see them both. These four people are so special to me and I don't even know if they realize it. To have them in one place gave me the best high ever. I gave my aunt Robin my patented hug and lifted her off the ground before I left to go get gas for my trip home. No matter how much she fights it, I know she likes it and I like giving it. Damn, I love my family. I honestly feel like I can rely on them for anything. Those are my "Core-4." Like a super hero team.

After getting gas and coming home, I found my mother in kind of a down mood. She said it was because of a headache. I thought she was mad at me for some reason, but when I asked Romeo, the guy who built my computer, he reassured me that it was a headache. After he took a look at my computer, we both went downstairs and spent some time with her. I made her go downstairs and help me look for Giga Pets. Even though she didn't want to, I made her, but I did all of the work. I could have done it on my own, but really I just wanted to be with my mom. But soon, it was time to leave. I bid my mother goodbye after she told me to eat more veggies and milk.

The ride back to South Bend was hard. All the fatigue kind of set in at that moment as I was driving and I found myself struggling to stay awake. Not even my music could keep me awake. I stopped off and got what would be my last Subway sub of the summer and ate it on my way. After a while, I decided to call Ryan so that I didn't die. We spoke for a while and then I told him to call one of his friends. Big mistake. They started talking about shoes and I started looking for a Mack Truck to run into so that I could end it all. But I didn't find one and soon I was back on Twilight St.

In other news, I am officially 2 weeks from being freed from this place. I can't wait to get back to OSU. I spoke to my roommate and he seems nice enough. We will see how this year pans out. One of my stories for the Tribune made the AP Wire, which means my story could run in other papers. What an honor. From what I gather, I have definitely made an impression at the Tribune. Everyone seems to like me a lot and they tell me so. Don't think I am big headed though. Every time someone pays me a compliment, I become very embarrassed, but grateful.

Giga Pet Count: 6 and more to come.

August 20, 2004

I haven't felt like writing for some reason. I'm not really sure what's going on. I feel like being at work has really made writing a job more than it is a hobby. I have tried to update this journal more than once in the past four days and yet, every time I start, I get bored and delete what I wrote. I hate this feeling. I miss wanting to update this journal and I miss wanting to write Exile, but right now, I am saturated. Only two weeks and six days to go until I leave this place for good. Hold my hand tight and bare with me.

The past few days have been some of the most amazing I've had since I got here. Indeed, you read correctly. For the first time in a while, I felt like a journalist at work. It started Monday when my editor was not at work. Her daughter had given birth so she was off to Chicago to see her. I was left alone in the space that she and I, along with another woman share. The other woman had also taken the day off. At first, I thought it would be somewhat boring being alone and isolated from the rest of the staff, but as the day continued, it started feeling great. I was given one of my stories back to make corrections to. When I finished that I was off to a theatre in Three Oaks, Michigan. This two men had converted an old abandoned factory into a theatre and it was absolutely amazing to see. To think that these guys didn't hire anyone to come in and do this made me think that they were capable of anything. When I got back to my desk, I began writing up the story. At the same time, I was chatting with my friends. I wasn't sitting there waiting for someone to call. I felt like I was earning my money instead of just sitting there idle.

My boss will not be in the office tomorrow or the next day and I am kind of pleased with that. I am, however, not please about my next and final story for the features department. It is a story focusing on the struggles of grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. I do believe that the issue is important, but I feel like I've found my niche in features. Not to say that when I go to another paper that I will demand Arts and Entertainment, but I cannot help but to realize that I love writing on theatre. I said one day, "If I can't do it, why not write about it?"

This weekend I will be going home for the third time. My friend Alexandria is having a going away party and I figure, what better reason to vacate this place than that? This will give me time to see a few folks I haven't seen in a while. Gabriel, one of my closest friends in Mosaic is one of them. I haven't seen him since around Christmas last year so he and I are going to catch up for a while before the party. I wish Carmen was coming, but I also wish things were the same between us.

In other news, I finally got my digital camera so look for updated, quality pictures. Still looking for Virtual Pets on eBay.

Number of the day: 249

August 16, 2004

I must be out of my God damned mind.

I don't know why, but for some reason I have started looking for virtual pets. You remember those Giga Pets and Nano Babies from a long time ago? I know I do. I was one of the people who made them a trend at my school. Isn't that sad? A product that seemed like it was more geared for girls was sported by a male and accepted by everyone. Yes, I am about to go into a story...

I believe it was the summer of 1997 when I first learned about these little pets. I was attending a day camp where my cousin Michelle works and these girls were walking around with these virtual pets I remember hearing about. I asked them where they got them from and every time, they said that they got it from a different state, which wasn't hard to believe because I couldn't find them here. I started off a very ignorant shopper. Instead of knowing the band that I wanted, I would simply call stores and ask, "Do you have any of those little virtual pets?" Most of the time, the answer was no. In fact, some stores even posted that they didn't have any. I did find one store, however, located in Downtown Detroit that said that they had some. I quickly recruited my mother into taking me down there. I probably paid about $10 for the thing and couldn't wait to play with it. Unfortunately, I hadn't done my research. This was one of the off brands of the more popular pets. It was a real challenge raising it. In fact, it almost always died. Feed it too much, it would die. Play with it too much, it would die. Hell, I would go to sleep and the next morning ...dead. I quickly learned my lesson and started researching what companies made the good virtual pets. I came up with Bandai's Tomagotchi, Tiger's Giga Pets, and Playmates' Nano Pets.

I'll never forget my first one. It was a Giga Pet Kitty. It came in a yellow case. I would wear it on my belt instead of my keys (I had a tendency to lose them). I took great care of that cat and it didn't die so frequently as my last one had. But soon, one wasn't enough. I started saving my money again and eventually bought another one. Then, it wasn't enough so I bought another. Soon I ended up with 8 or 9 Giga Pets and Nano Pets. All of them were now attached to my keys, because I had simply run out of belt space. It was funny because I gained something of a popularity with these little gadgets. I was known for having the most. Whenever someone would buy one, they would come up to me and show it to me, as if I were the Lord of the Virtual Pets. I was nice enough though. Some kids were as naive as I was when I had first started because they produced some imitation off brands. I still said that they were nice and would show them mine. Soon girls would want to baby sit my Pets for the day. Sometimes I handed a few out for other people to care for.

The school was nuts because of the popularity. We were allowed to have them in school, but we had to turn the sound off. I never got in trouble or got any of my prized pets taken away. I was nervous sometimes because when other people would care for the pets, they would accidentally turn the sound on. But it was okay. I would simply ask for them to give me my pets back and I would reattach them to my keys.

Eventually, the school said that we could no longer have the toys in class so I was forced to keep them in my coat within the coat room. All the kids knew that they were in there, but for a while, I would have no problems. I would feed them when I went to the bathroom and when we were between classes. All of my pets lived a very long time. One day, however, I had left the school and reached into my pocket for my keys. They weren't there. I went back into the building and looked in the coat room. There were my keys without my pets attached to them. All that money I had spent was now gone.

I don't know what the deal is now, but I have been looking for the pets on eBay. They seem to be very rare items because they are going for 20 or 30 dollars just for one or two. There is no way that I am going to pay that much so, I have been snooping around looking for deals. I am bidding on one for about $10 and inquiring about some others. My friend Alpha, said that he has a box of them in his basement so if his mother allows me, I am going to try and find it so I can have a collection again. I do plan to pay him for them. I figure I can start a new trend when I go back to Ohio State. I still think I am nuts.

August 14, 2004

I looked up into the sky tonight, as I came home from reviewing another show. It wouldn't be like my past reviews where I was able to come back home and go to sleep, wake up refreshed the next morning and have a full two hours devoted to fill 15 to 18 inches. I was on deadline. I had 30 minutes to write up my review. I knew what time it had to be done. 11:45pm to make all additions of the paper. As I impatiently waited for the curtain call to end, I looked at my cell phone, which had remain off for the performance by request. It was 11:03pm. I needed to get out of that theatre quickly, but I wasn't sure how I would get past the massive crowd. Luckily, I found a short way out and I walked the block to the Tribune.

As I sprinted to the darkened building, I felt important. I know that my opinion of this show was going to be read by hundreds of thousands of people in the Tribune's circulation area. When I arrived in the newsroom, my computer was already set it. I had 30 minutes and so I typed. I cannot lie and say that I was calm. This would be my first time doing this so quickly and so I wrote my opinion. Finished.

I had an uneasy feeling as the copy editor looked over my review. Before, my reviews would be looked at by Joe, the A&E writer and he would always have something for me to change to make my review better. Now all they were going to do was check for grammar. The rest was all me. The copy editor asked me a few questions and I felt like a child being scolded. There were some corrections that she had to make. I'm sure it happens with all reporters all the time, but for once I would have liked to be perfect, for my allies of the newsroom were not there to say, "Nice job." A few moments later, she said it was okay and they sent my stuff over to the designers. Finished.

When I was driving home, I was alone. There was hardly anyone on the street. South Bend was even dead on a Friday night. Must have been because it was the 13th. I popped in the Wicked cast recording and began belting my heart out to every note just to hear myself sing. It felt nice to be alone once again, with my music and in no rush to be anywhere. As I rounded the corner to the city of Granger, I looked up in the sky. I could see the big dipper. I've seen it before, but through my window, it was so much brighter than general. I was fixated on the constellation that I stopped watching the road. It was so alien to me that I didn't want to look away. But I did have to and because of the change in direction, I was blind to it's appearance.

When I got home, someone was in my parking space. No matter, I would just park in the driveway. As I locked my car and carried my things into the house, I looked up for a second. Right above me was the most beautiful sight. Millions of stars were showing their radiant light to the world. Me being a city boy, I am not used to such a sight. I couldn't believe how many there were and how clear it was. I stood out there for a few moments and things were just silent. If I could just move these damn trees out of the way. Maybe I could walk to the back yard. No. Shit, I want to see more. Damn trees. I had never seen the stars like I had seen them just yesterday. Just a few moments ago. Everything has so chaotic, but for that one second, I got the chance to look at something that will be still for eons.

Number of the Night: 252

August 11, 2004

Last night, I had a dream...

I don't remember the storyline of what happened. In fact, when I woke up, I didn't remember that I had dreamt something. It wasn't until I was having a conversation with a photographer today about his father who had passed, that I remembered what my dream had been about. In my dream, my mother had died. I don't remember the cause or anything. I only remember how I felt. I felt okay.

This was strange because if you know about my fear of death and everything, you would also know how worried I am about people within my family dying. Over the years, we have suffered so many losses and each one seems to sting a little bit more. But last night, I didn't feel that pain that I generally feel when my dreams involve death. I felt just fine. In fact, I woke up and went to the bathroom like I normally did.

I do remember one aspect of the dream however. I remember knowing that my mother had passed and although I was sad and was going to miss her, I simply asked her to watch over me. I knew that I would never really see her on this Earth. I didn't ask for her to show me some sign that she was near. I just asked her to be present with me as much as she could. And I felt like it was going to happen. That my mother would never be too far away from me. Sometimes I wonder if real life will be that way. I know that day will come. In fact, I hope I do have to experience the passing of my mother, because I'd rather I mourn my mother than the other way around. A parent should not have to cry over their child's death. But I just hope that the feeling I had last night will be the feeling I have when that day comes. My mother and I are so close that I couldn't imagine going on without her. For some reason though, I don't see her leaving for many years.

I love you mom.

Number of the Day: 256

August 7, 2004

I have become a ghost in the house, it seems. When I first came here, I frequently spoke with the people I stay with. I often had dinner with them and watched movies and television with them. Now, I restrict myself to my room, only going out to get food or use the bathroom. Up until a few days ago, I hadn't watched one minute of television, which is strange for me. I don't know why, it just has lost its importance temporarily.

Work is good and bad. Good because some of my stories are a great joy to write. Bad because of some recent events with a review that I wrote. After editing it and editing it to appear not as rude, the main Features editor decided that it was still too mean. My review was changed so that it wouldn't be so harsh. I was not happy because the show was horrible. I was not happy about that at all, but I am still counting down the days, which are passing at a fairly quick pace. It has already been a week since I saw my friends and yet, it feels like only a few days.

Outside of work, these past few days have been some of the most fun I've had. Most of the interns are finishing up their last days this week. In fact, come the end of next week, I will be the only one left. I managed to work it out that I would spend Friday with one of the interns, Tara, who was covering one of the fairs here. It was her job to find one story everyday that the fair was occurring and bring it back to the paper. This particular day, she was going to report on a pig auction. It didn't matter to me, I just wanted to go so that I could check something off of this "To Do" list that the recruiter gave us. We are supposed to get a prize if we do it all. We go to the fair and sit down for the auction. Needless to say, it wasn't the best smelling place. After a few moments, the photographer, Shayna, arrived and said that since the auction hadn't started yet, we could leave and look at a few yard sales outside of the fair. We did and didn't find anything too interesting. Upon returning, I overheard a man talking about "the woman on the horse" who had directed us in. He said that she was a firefighter, a paramedic, and a police officer. I told this to Tara and said we should go and talk to her. We did so and it turned out that it was all true. The woman was the first female Firefighter in South Bend. She also was a teacher and a great person (Click for Story). When we left, Tara was more than excited. She didn't think the pigs would provide such a great story and was happy that I had told her about this woman. After, we had to track down the guy who we originally heard about the lady from. It took us a while, but I spotted him. He worked with her and gave us some great quotes. Tara bought me an elephant ear after that. I hadn't had one in years. Tara is a great person and I am upset that I only found that out on her last day.

Friday wasn't the only day. Yesterday proved to be another good day. I told Andy that I needed to go to the Warren Dunes on the shores of Lake Michigan so that I could check another task off of the list. At first, he didn't sound as if he wanted to go, but this morning I was awaken by a text message being sent to my phone. It said that he and his family were going to the Dunes at noon to go swimming and so we went. Andy's family is very cool. It was hilarious to see he and his brother Gene talk about each other. Their mother is cool too and it was just nice being around them and away from this city. It took us about 45 minutes to get to the shore, but even when we arrived, we weren't quite there. They informed me that it was about a mile walk to the shore. I hadn't walked that far since OSU, but I figured it wouldn't be bad at all. We began walking through a forest type area, which was nice because it had been years since I'd been in a forest. Soon, however, the solid ground started to become sand. Not only did it turn to sand, but it became an incline and soon I found myself going up a high hill of sand. This proved to be very difficult for me. Even with all the working out I had been doing this summer, I was very tired by the time I had gotten over the first dune. But there was much more to go. By the time we reached the beach, I just walked into the water with all of my clothes on. I didn't care because I was tired and sweating. The waters of Lake Michigan were slightly chilling and it was strange for me because I hadn't set foot in water in about 2 years. It was a lot of fun though. Andy came into the water with Gene and I and I watched them flip each other into the water. Like Cole and his brother, I was just a little jealous that I had never had a brother that I could be that close to. After swimming, we all lay out in the sun. I wasn't too into this idea. Them being White (Russian), they did it for a tan. I would just be getting darker. I still sat with them and dug a pretty deep hole in the sand. I think it went down about 3 ft. or so. When it was time to go, I kind of dreaded walking back. It would be much harder because now the climb would be steeper than before. Andy and his mother ran most of the way while Gene and I walked. I walked at a moderate to slow pace and he actually waited for me. I appreciated that and was glad he did.

Tomorrow I go to Chicago with one of the interns, Ian. It should be fun and I will report it tomorrow or the next day. Today I picked up the book Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West since all of my friends are going nuts over the musical. I, myself, am included in the frenzy. I heard the book was much different from the musical and so I will be reading to pass the time and to slip into the Land of Oz. Until tomorrow, my friends...

Number of the Day: 257

August 4, 2004

*Toledo Trip report is below this entry. Read it!*

I don't know what has been up with me since I came back to South Bend. I thought I would come back from the weekend with my friends a little more refreshed and excited about finishing this whole experience, but instead I feel tried and annoyed. I woke up this past few mornings seriously pissed off that I had even opened my eyes. Now, don't think I want to be dead or anything because that is not the case. Instead, I wake up upset that I have to go to that office. Thinking that I have to sit there for 8 hours and wait for people to call me back. It's strange because when I actually have a story, I am excited to do it. I remember last week, I had been waiting all day for this kid to call me back and when he did, I immediately started writing the story. I felt great, like I actually earned the money that the Tribune had been paying me. But unfortunately, it doesn't happen like that too often. Generally I am stuck waiting, all day.

I am sleepy too, even though I've gotten enough sleep. Could it be the work that I don't do at work? Maybe. I'm still not sure. Right now, all I am thinking about is next Saturday. That is when all these huge stories that I am doing will be complete, whether I like it or not. At the same time, I will have but 3 weeks left here. All I can do is work as hard as I can until then.

Back at home (at Wayne and Anne's home), I have pretty much closed myself off to my room. I took my 20ft. long ethernet cord from home and brought it back here so that I don't have to sit next to their desktop just to be connected to the internet. For some reason I am just annoyed by a lot of things. It's nothing that Wayne or Anne is doing, it just happens from time to time. The best thing to do when it happens is not to say anything to anyone and to stay to myself. Thankfully I got folks like Ryan and Andy to talk to. They are actively keeping me sane.

Bills are starting to get paid off, thank God. At the same I am broke. Well not absolutely, but pretty close. After upgrading that damn computer, taking that trip to Toledo, and buying to DVD's from Ebay, I am not as rich as before. I still have to pay my phone bill that is $200 and rent that is $150 and then EXP's payment of $330. I also wanted a digital camera, but that won't be happening for a while.

Hold me close to you because I cannot bare to stand on my own/ Let me feel your chest against my back so that I know that I am close enough/ Let me feel your warm breath on my neck so that there is no question of your presence/ I want to feel you so that I don't have to feel anything else anymore/ Let me feel the love that only you can give me/ Let me feel love that knows no end.

Number of the day: 261

August 2, 2004

It was the weekend I had been waiting for since I set foot in Indiana soil back in June. If I wasn't counting down the days until my departure, I was counting down the days until I would escape this place, just for a weekend, and feel like I was back at OSU. That weekend came and now is gone. And what an amazing weekend it was.

Work was meaningless to me last Friday. I did work correcting stories, but it was nothing to me. After being there three hours, it was time for me to get on the road. The ride to Toledo was one filled with energy. I had gotten a lot of sleep the night before and I was just ready to cruise, and I did. For two hours I was in one of my favorite places, my car. I sang along to Something Corporate, The Starting Line, and MAE as I drove at speeds in excess of 75 miles per hour. It only took about two hours to get to my destination. After quickly memorizing the rest of the directions, I made my way through the streets of Toledo until I got to Cole's house. He must have sensed me coming because he burst out of the house and ran in front of my car. He didn't even let me turn off my car before he began clawing at my car door. When I got out, I was given the best hug I have had in a long time. I felt good to see Cole again.

We only stayed at his house for a few moments. I quickly met his family and then we made our way to the performance space. On the way, I also got a quick tour of Toledo. Before, it used to be a bump on the road on the way to Cedar Point, but Toledo is actually a huge city and also very nice. Character is all I can say. The place where the show would be held was called Collingwood Arts Center. Cole told me that it was a place where artists could stay for $75 a month, as long as they were actually artists who were working their craft. The place was old and it was obvious that what some people would call, "Undesirables" made their homes there, but as I walked down the hallway to their greenroom, I noticed the amazing art work on the walls. It was beautiful. It shows that even some of the strangest people that we tend to throw to the side can make beautiful art.

I was introduced to a few new people, but I was ready to see Kristin. She had come while I was being shown around so she hadn't seen me. Cole wanted to surprise her so he went into the greenroom, picked her up and brought her into the hall. When she saw me, she began kicking, trying to get away from him. We both laughed and he finally let her go. She ran up to me and gave me a hug. It was complete euphoria and it was almost complete. We were all almost together again. We were waiting for Alec to arrive. He had taken a Greyhound up from Columbus so that he could stay the weekend.

After a few hours, it was suggested that I leave to get Alec even though he had not called. I was given a drawing of where to go and I went. It didn't take the kid long to arrive in Toledo and as soon as I saw him, I gave the guy a hug. It was complete now. It felt nice to see us all together again. Reunion I guess.

Alec and I went back to Collingwood 15 minutes before the show was to start. We bought our tickets and took a seat. During intermission, another friend from Columbus made his appearance known. Sean, who lived in the same dorm as Kristin, came over and joined Alec and I. For some strange reason they wanted to get up and talk to people and so I reluctantly got up with them. After the show was over, it was time to really be reunited. Cole nor Kristin knew that Alec was there so when they saw him there was a good feeling in the air. Alec gave Cole a strong hug, but when he saw Kristin, he picked her up and swung her around. It was great.

When everyone was dressed, we all went to Steak and Shake. Sean wanted to drop his car off at Cole's and so we did that and met Kristin, Alec and the rest of the cast back at Steak and Shake. On the way there, Cole asked me what I thought of the show and I gave him my critiques. Things were crazy there for the simple reason that there were about 50 theatre people in one place. I have to say that Cole's friends are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. They are so diverse in their personalities, something you don't see too much in Michigan. While we waited, Kristin played a game with us and it drove me nuts. I couldn't figure out the secret to it at all and once she told me, I found out that I would have never figured it out.

After the food, we went to Cole's brother, Chad's house. I am seriously jealous of Cole because his brother is a great man. Looking at how he and Cole get along and interact, I could only wish that I had a brother like that. Chad is an insightful person who always listens. Amazing. After they played a card game, I got up and we all play sheraids This continued until a few people left. When they did, I heard Cole telling some people about my job and how I do theatre reviews. When I shouted to them to read some, Kristin asked me to review their show right then. Now I was stuck. In front of me was not only people from the cast, but the director. But, she had asked me to and I was going to give my honest opinion. We stayed up until 5 a.m. talking about the show. There were some great minds in that room.

We ended up sleeping over Chad's house and for some reason I awoke at 10 a.m. Only five hours of sleep, but I was wide awake. I knew that I needed to go back to Detroit for a while so I woke Cole and Kristin up and let them know that I was leaving. Detroit was only an hour away so after getting directions from Chad, I left. Nice little drive home. I called my buddy Shavonne and let her know that I would be stopping by her job to say hello, but first I needed to get my hair cut. I found out that my barber was in the paper because he helped in capturing a guy who ran over 4 kids (Story found here).

I took part in a tradition I have when I come and I called Steven just to see what was going on with him. I did get an answer, again, so I continued with my business. I took a shower and put some clothes on. I was about to be on my way to see Shavonne when my cell phone rang. It was Steven calling me back. I asked him if he wanted to come with me to see Shavonne (they knew each other from Mosaic Youth Theatre of Detroit, something we were all in) and at first he said no, but then he caved in. It was strange riding in the car with my old buddy, but we talked generally. When we got to the mall and saw Shavonne, she was a little surprised. "I thought you guys weren't friend's anymore." Steven asked how she knew that and she told him that she read this journal (now, if you are a faithful reader, you know that Steven was upset about the Issue I wrote about him). This put me in a very uncomfortable situation and quickly I changed the subject. Steven remembered though. After buying a few OSU shirts, I took Steven back home. When we arrived, he put my car in park and took my keys out of the ignition. It was time for us to talk.

So many things had changed in myself and him in these two years that it was awkward talking to him about how I felt in the past. I spoke more truth to him in that 30 or 40 minutes than I had ever done in our 5 years of knowing each other. I confessed to him how I was jealous back then of his popularity and his relationship with in his father. He said that there was no need to feel that way because things were not as they seemed. He said that the reason we grew apart was because how I treated him, which I understood. We talked about how we tried to maintain things back then even though there was nothing there. We talked about so many things and were going to continue if we weren't interrupted by an old friend of ours. At any rate, I needed to leave and he had company now. Steven and I are not done talking and I doubt we will ever be as cool as we were, but I am glad that we made a step toward each other rather than away.

When I got back to Toledo, I was struggling to follow my Mapquest directions. In fact, I was totally lost. I still don't know how I found Collingwood, but I did and my friends were right there waiting. There would be a cast party that night, but I was tired as all hell. Still, I went and tried to stay awake, but after a while I was reduced to calling my buddy Ryan to keep me awake. We talked for a long time and I enjoyed every moment of it. I was just mad that it fell short. We were off to another house to watch the video of the show. There was no doubt that I fell asleep during it. Cole woke me up and said that we could leave.

Alec, Cole, Johnnyko, and I all left to go back to Cole's house. Now, never in my life have I ever slept with three other men in the bed, but I did that night. I stayed very clothed and very closed in my own space on the twin beds, which were pushed together, but Cole, whom I was sleeping next to was almost completely naked and made his space known with how he slept. I woke up numerous times with his armpit or face close to mine. Crazy. In the other room, Kristin, Sean, and soon Johnnyko slept. None of us woke up until late.

Alec left with a girl from OSU because it looked like it would be his only ride back home. He left us at 9 a.m. Kristin left at 11 a.m. to have lunch with her parents and soon Cole and Johnnyko had to leave. I taxied them to the theatre and decided to go back to Cole's house to take a shower. I smelled right foul. When I left though, I got lost again, but some how (and I am still trying to figure it out) I found my way to his home. I took my shower and woke Sean up. We went and got food before going to the show. We talked about his job at the movie theatre and some of the hidden secrets about it. We were about 3 minutes late for the show, but the producer let us in free. We had seen it already and since we were so dedicated, he felt no need to make us pay.

After the show, it was strike. Sean and I helped as much as we could, but I had to leave at 8. I gave my friend's one last hug and I'll be damned if he didn't feel just as good as the first. I said goodbye to Chad, one of the greatest men I've ever met, and Sean, someone I want to learn even more about. Cole asked me to post a review of the show on this site and I will. I left Toledo happy.

This weekend was more fun than I ever expected. It also made me realize how much these guys really mean to me. I met some great people this weekend and saw some great theatre. But now it all lives wildly in my memories and on this page. You guys, thank you for this. I feel I can move through these last 5 weeks and be okay. Cole, Kristin, Alec, Ryan, Sean, I know you will all be waiting when I show up to OSU. Much love to all of you.

July 26, 2004

It was my Freshman year in high school and I was in a completely new environment. In a place where some folks knew other people through their middle school and neighborhood, I knew no one because I was new to the area. I made friends quickly though, a group of misfits like myself. We weren't popular, we were just us. First was the only white kid in our class, Michael. Started out cool, then argued about something. He got punched for calling a kid, "Nigga" and we became cool again. Matthew, who I thought was stealing Michael when he was assigned to sit by him. We didn't speak as much, but slowly I came to know Matthew a lot more. Another guy, whose name escapes me. And Steven, the guy who grew to become my best friend.

But there was something that I wanted more than anything at school. But since I wasn't going to get it, I settled to the next best thing, a girlfriend. Now being the loser I was in high school, I joined the JROTC. Well, not joined, but more or less took the class as physical training. There was a reason mostly losers took that class. You didn't have to shower in the shower room. That's the reason I took it and I know it's the reason many others did too. Plus, there was a certain amount of respect to be had. You could be a loser, like me, and have rank. I became a Staff-Sergeant and a class leader.

In the class, there was this girl, her name was Tiesha. She was in 10th grade and just beautiful in my eyes. She had this way of carrying herself that just made me want to be close to her. And I was. I made sure I sat next to her and conversed with her. She did the same with me, surprisingly. I thought I was a loser, but I guess I wasn't as much of a loser as I thought. One day, she wrote me a note. I asked me if I had a girlfriend and I said no. She wrote me another a little while later and ask if she could be my girl and like a little school boy I nodded my head with great excitement.

Things started off great. I spoke to her on the phone all the time. Mostly about things going on in JROTC. But soon thing started to change. One time when her friend was over and we were both talking on the phone, her friend said something about her having a vibrator. Tiesha told her that I was her vibrator. That made me a little uneasy, but it was okay, no big deal.

Valentine's Day rolled around and it was time to go shopping. This was going to be the time that I got to show how much she meant to me. I went and bought a bear and chocolates for her. Yeah, I felt good about myself that day. I brought my gifts to school the next day and gave it to her. She was happy, but I found myself empty handed. At first, I didn't feel so bad, but then people started talking. They said how sweet I was, but how messed up it was that she didn't return anything. Still I tried not to think about it. She told me that she had my present at home. Next day I came to school and she brought me a shirt that smelled of smoke and was too small. Great present.

Things kind of went downhill from there. The sexual advances continued and I felt like that was all she wanted. A little while later, my birthday came up and she forgot about it. But when her birthday came, I remembered and showed her that I did. Sexual advances continued. By the time the end of March came, I was ready to end it if they didn't stop. Sex is something every loser my age thought about, but I didn't want to do it just then. STD's, Children, Religion. Whatever it was, I didn't want it then and I told her in a letter. She said it was time that it was over. And it was.

10 months later I get a call. It's Tiesha. We converse a little and I ask her why she didn't return to school. She dropped the bombshell. She had a child. I asked how old and she said only a month old. I worked the math after I got off the phone. She had sex with another guy at max, a week after we parted. Since then, I have never had a girlfriend.

July, 23, 2004

You will have to excuse me for my lack of updates for out here in the nothingness of Indiana/Michigan, we have no electricity. You see, a great storm blew over these lands just a few days ago and took with it a large number of mighty trees, tops of homes, and our beloved power lines. In fact, right in out in our very own front yard lies a tree who could stand no longer and in hopes to cushion its decent, rested on the near by power lines. But the tree's weight was too much and the lines gave way. No now, the house is only lit by the natural light of the sun or manufactured fire of a flashlight. Because my room has no windows, no matter what time it is outside, within, it is always the darkest of night.

The day of this great storm, I had been sent on a mission. I was to be sent down to the faraway land of Warsaw, Indiana to watch and give my opinion on the Wagon Wheel Theatre's production of Beauty and the Beast. I knew the storm was coming for the watchful eye of our local weatherman was focused on the sky. He warned us, but of course, I had a job to do. I set out hoping I would arrive before the downpour began. It wasn't more than 30 minutes into my journey that the rain started to fall. But it didn't stop with a few drops, it was as if I were parked under a great waterfall. The rain was so angry that my windshield whipper could barely keep it. I did get to the theatre on time and without incident. When the show was over, the rain had stopped and the sky was clear. I went back home thinking the heavens that my life had been spared.

Arriving home, I found my dwellings rather dark. As I drove up the street I saw that the mighty tree hard fallen and was blocking the road. I was forced to borrow a space to park my nobel EXP until I could find some place other. I soon, however, realized that my journey into the house was a little more dangerous than that which I had just finished. After the lights on the Black Beast had turned off, I found myself surrounded by darkness. Not even the hand in front of my face could be seen so I truly could not see the path that my feet tread on. Stepping in mud and on large rocks, I stumbled into the house. What a day it had been.

So now, I left only to darkness when I come home. It has been close to three days since the life was sucked from out small community and yet, it does not bother me. In the morn, I wake up, get dressed, and go to work where there is energy for appliances to feed off of. When the evening comes and it is time for me to depart my place of work, I come home and try to find reasons to leave again. The only reason I am able to update now is because of the help from my friend Andrey who does have electricity. He also allowed me to use his bathroom so I could feel a little more pure than before. I hope the day will come soon where I will be able to have power once more, but until then, I will remain in the darkness...

One more week, Cole. I am counting down.

Number of the day: 262

July 20, 2004

The bills are starting to pile up and it is all my fault.

You give a man a great job that pays well and what does he do? He thinks that he can buy his dreams and that everything will be okay. That's a lie and I know that now. I remember when I first learned of my wages. I was so happy that for once, I wouldn't be totally broke. But unfortunately, as soon as that money began to roll in, I started thinking of things that I needed. Now, granted I really probably needed everything, I am not very happy about ACTUALLY spending it. I guess you could say that I miss the days where my mother spent the money and I just saved it.

So far I have upgraded my computer (Epsilon the desktop) by purchasing a 19 inch monitor, going from 995MHz to 2.0GHz, buying more RAM, and getting a new DVD/CD-R drive. Although it hurt my feelings to pay that much money out, I think it will definitely pay off in the end. Epsilon needed it bad. Then comes the car payment. Gotta love Ford for my monthly rate, but I am not too upset about that, mostly because I am used to it. Next will be this digital camera that I want. I think that will be the very last thing I purchase before I seriously start saving. No seriously. I will this time. Forget you.

Number of the Day: 263

July 18, 2004

I went to the movies today, but I didn't go alone this time.

For the past few days, I have been hanging out with this guy named Andy, he is from Russia. Before, I only knew him as a guy that went sailing with Wayne (the man I am staying with), but now, I guess we have become friends. It started Thursday when I came home from work. I had changed into my sweat pants and was about to endure another boring day at home when I heard Wayne call me from upstairs. There was a girl named Julie, who had been over a few time before, that wanted me to go with her and some friends to the club. I knew that this was a ploy of Wayne's trying to get me out of the house. I didn't appreciate this little setup and was angry, but I accepted her offer. I didn't know what I was going to wear. I had never really been in a club so I was stuck. It was at that moment where I really wished my old roommate, Franklin, was there (as much as that pains me to say). I eventually picked something out and left. I didn't really want to go because I didn't know Julie all that well and I figured that I would be pretty much ignored that whole night. When I showed up to her friend's house, I found out that her friend was Andy and I felt a lot more comfortable. We went to the club and no one was there except the bouncer, DJ, and bar-tender. We were going to skip out on going, but they said they would let us in free, so we went in. After two rounds of pool, we left and went home. The next day, we were all supposed to try and go to the Venetian Festival, which is a big deal around here, but it ended up raining very hard so we went bowling instead. The place we went to was the nicest ally I have ever seen in my life. I won, of course, but when we found out how much it cost, we were all floored. Andy took the bill and Julie and I felt bad. $36. He wouldn't let us help him though. We went to a Steak 'N Shake next and Julie paid all of our ways. I didn't spend anything that night. Today, like I said before, Andy and I went to the movies.

I guess you could say that these past few days took me as kind of a surprise. These kids were nothing but folks who frequent the Falda house to me before, but after one day of hanging out, they were treating me to things. Andy and I talk about school because he is very interested in going back and finding ways to do so. Andy is a nice guy and he shows this big interest in being friends with me. For the past few days, every time he comes over he comes downstairs in the basement and we talk. He will ask if I want to go somewhere or if I want do something. Of course I will because there isn't anything else to do. Today, we were driving to the movies and he told me that he doesn't really have any friends. He told me that they all moved away and he hasn't made any new ones. It's understandable because he is out of school and just moved back here a little while ago from Kalamazoo. He is a cool guy.

Work is work. Still working hard to make it through the summer. To my dismay, I found out that my demi-boss is leaving the Tribune to become the Managing Editor at another paper. Big raise for him, but the Tribune is losing one of my three favorite people. I mean, this guy was the only reason I stayed sane during this time. He was great and I am truly going to miss him. Fortunately, he isn't leaving just yet and I will only be in Features one week after he leaves and then I will be going over to Metro.

I have 7 more weeks to go. 2 weeks until I make the journey to Toledo to see Cole and Kristin in their show. I am going to stay with Cole for the weekend and it will be a nice little change from this place. A little taste of OSU. I think we all are missing each other. I hope Alec can find a ride up because I would like to see him.

Number of the Day: 265

July 13, 2004

This weekend had to be the absolute worse one I have ever had in my life. Why? Because I didn't do a thing. At one point on Sunday, I was just pissed off at the fact that there was nothing to do. I wanted to go home. Soon the 8 weeks I kept telling myself was a short time became longer and longer. I went to the movies alone again. I saw the Terminal. It was a lot better than I ever expected and I expect a lot from Spielberg and Tom Hanks. It was a very good way to spend two hours.

Today was an interesting one to say the least. My new and permanent desk is positioned near my main editor, away from the feature writers and my demi-editor. I do miss them all, however, the privacy is nice. I don't feel like I am being watched, even though my editor is right there. They put me kind of a corner so she can't really see me directly. I hate to admit it, but I am able to chat with my friends when I am not doing anything. It kind of passes the time.

Anyway, today I was on my lunch after arguing with my bank and a website that I tried to order computer parts from. I was tired, had a headache and I was hungry. Unfortunately, all I had was a soda and a candy bar. I'm used to it though. So I am sitting in my car, listening to MAE and the wind is finally blowing. It felt so great because it was so humid outside. Well, my face wasn't the only place I felt the air. I felt this coolness on the inside of my thigh and when I put my hand there I felt my skin. There was a hole in my favorite pair of black pants. What was worse was the fact that it was only 1pm and I still had a few hours.

The rest of the day went okay. I watched my step and how my legs were shown.

Number of the Day: 267

July 10, 2004

You need not say a single word for I know that the sun has only rested once since I last scribbled here. But I felt compelled to write after reading other people's journals. Call it jealousy. I just hope people are actually reading what I write.

Oddly enough, today was a good day. I came in to an email on my computer at work. It was from a woman that I had interviewed the day before for a story that I was doing. She was thanking me for the "lovely article" and that I had done a great job on it. It took me a moment to realize that the story actually had gone in today and that I needed to take a look at it, not to mention clip it for the portfolio. I went and got a paper and was surprised to find my story on the front page of the WEEKend section. What was also nice to see was that not many changes were made to the story. Am I getting better?

After work, a fellow intern, Ian, and I went to the movies. That guy is strange to me. Not in a bad way, but he is just not what I expected. I guess as a freshman going into his sophomore year, I can sometimes make assumptions of people and if you noticed when I spoke about Ian before, I thought he would want nothing to do with a guy as young as me. But there is something about this guy that is just amazing. He is just very open and friendly. (Stealing a joke) Now, that is something that people say about serial killers that live next door to them, but this guy seriously is. You can tell in his voice and just his manner. We went to see Spiderman 2 and as I was driving home, I just felt great. I felt a lot better than I have been while being here. I think it was this guy's attitude. It's too bad that Ian doesn't go to Ohio State.

July 9, 2004

Is it September yet?

Actually things at the Tribune have been going a lot better. I have been able to connect more with the staff and we all seem to get a long great. Stories are starting to come more easy to me as I learn the Tribune's style and what my editors expect of me. As you can see from the Clips section, I am getting more stories in the paper. Time is another thing that seems to be changing. Now the days are going by more quickly. It seemed like only a day ago that I came back from Detroit and yet, it has been four. After this week is done, I will be entering into my 5th week here. I remember my first one, when all I could think was that I had 11 weeks ahead of me. Now, it is down to 8. Less than a quarter of at OSU. What helps the time go by, other than stories and getting along with staff, are little milestone during the time I am going to be here.

Three weeks from Friday, granted they don't make me cover something on the weekend, I am going to travel to Toledo to see Cole and Kristin's play. They wrote it and now they will see (and participate) the show live. Also coming will be Alec and Wade. It will be nice to have everyone back together again. I am going to stay with Cole at his house and probably leave on Saturday or Sunday. But when that weekend is over, I will only have 5 weeks left at the Tribune. School will be a lot closer. Before that comes though, I get to review another show. I guess going to see theatre is another thing that helps pass the time, even though I am only going for work. I will probably have to drive back to the Tribune and write my review of the show. Still, it is a milestone. The show is Beauty and the Beast. I am very interested to see how they pull that show off in the space that they are working in. I guess we will see.

When I was back home, I bought a video game for my computer. It cost $10 because it has been out so long, but I heard it was a very good game. Max Payne, ever heard of it? I am enjoying it so far. The only down side is that I don't have a mouse so controlling it is somewhat difficult. It's okay though. I just wanted the game to pass the time. Speaking of computers, I am giving my desktop back at home a major upgrade. Actually, for the amount of time I spend on that damn thing, it is rather cheap to do it. It's nice having a job. Pretty soon, Epsilon (the desktop) will be almost as fast as Omicron (the notebook). Getting a larger monitor too.

I'm not going to lie, I am rethinking this whole Journalism career. I still love writing and even reporting, but when things are as difficult as they are, I just think how much I would love to be onstage. But what's confusing is, the thought goes both ways. I remember when I was doing scenes for one of the graduate students, Antonio. It was the most difficult acting experience I have ever had in my life and all I could think was how much I wanted to write. Now it's the other way around. I am starting to wonder what the hell is the job for me. But I think I know...

I am a writer and it almost seems like the only realistic thing for a writer to do is to be a journalist. Like I said, I love journalism, but at the same time, it is not what I want to end up doing. I could work Journalism for years, but I would want to end up being a novelist or playwright. It's just in me. Right now, I am writing for a television show and it is just an amazing experience. I am creating characters using my skill of writing so that other people can act it out. I can use my mind to make something cleaver, something that only the most intelligent person could figure out. And I love writing Exile, although I am still at a halt. But I think if someone was paying me to write that story, it would be done. The things I am doing now to stop me would become secondary and that story would be my job. Nothing like working on something you love.

Journalism is my vehicle. Is it something I could stay with my entire life? Sure, I love it that much. But do I want to? No. Strange, because I am always the one to say follow your dreams, you know? I love acting and if I knew that I was going to get to Broadway someday, I would major in it. But that's not realistic. I feel like a fucking hypocrite. My heart says a lot. It love Journalism, It loves Acting, It loves Writing. But every time I look at EXP, I remember that I have to pay for it a year after I graduate. And every summer that I go back to school, I have to remember that I have student loans that will not go away. So, Corporate America, here I come.

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky...

July 5, 2004

I decided to escape South Bend for a few days and come home to see my mother, family, and a few friends. I just felt like I needed a break even though I would be going into the weekend. I needed to see home for a few reasons, to take care of some business and also to relax. So here's the story.

I left work about an hour and a half early because there was nothing left for me to do. My things were already packed in EXP so after I told my demi-boss Joe that I was leaving, I hit the Indiana Toll road. God, it was a great drive. It was such freedom. My music was blasting and I was singing with a skill that even impressed me. I hit notes in the song "Gethsemane" from Jesus Christ Superstar, that made me sound like I was Jesus myself. I think the only negative to my journey were the slow drivers who just needed so desperately to drive in front of me. It never fails. Also on my way back, my friend Ryan, from OSU, kept me company. I've talked to him a lot since I left school. He is a great guy and has some great insight into things. He speaks slowly as a norm, but one thing that I noticed about him is that he pauses before he says things, as if he is really thinking about what he is about to say. How many of us do that? How many of us should? At any rate, we talked about a wide range from things, one being politics. I think next year, we will probably hang out a lot.

When I finally got back home, I was greeted by my mother. She was walking the dog back from my aunt Robin's house. It was so nice to see her. I noticed one thing about my mother, she looks so good for her age. My father is the same way. 45 and 46. I hope I look like them when I am that old. heh.

Saturday was a day spent spending money. Hair cut, oil change, and other things took the money right from my checking account. I think it was well spent though. I spent the day with a guy from Mosaic named Araz. He is a great guy and I still don't know how the hell we ended up becoming friends. I was cool with everyone in Mosaic, but he and I were not that close. But here we are, a year later, going to the movies. He even paid. We say Kill Bill Vol. 2 which was as good the second time as the first. Araz and I laughed at the same things. Hell, we laughed when other people didn't pick up on jokes. It's fun being intellectual sometimes.

I had to come back yesterday, although I didn't want to. I still miss home in Detroit and Columbus. But I hope the next 9 weeks will fly by so that I can be reunited with my peoples.

Number of the Day: 270. Gotta get over this hump.

July 1, 2004

The other day, I was looking at yet another finale of one of my favorite television shows, the Real World and I couldn't help but to reflect on how the show has seriously shaped out culture, being the first reality show. And as I reflected, I kind of frowned at how things have changed since the 90's, back when things were just as different as they are today.

Real World and Mtv did so much for our culture. It made us look at modern day racism directly in the eye. Homosexuality wasn't something that was hush-hush anymore. Remember Pedro from Mtv San Francisco? He brought the AIDS epidemic right into out living rooms is a much more personal level. And we had to look at it, because we had to watch, because we were so addicted to watching ourselves that minor differences could be put aside.

Remember when the Real World house was the best part of the show. That first episode when they would show you all the things in the house that only you could dream about. I mean, really take yourself back. Who could imagine having a pool table in your living room? A large color TV? Today, they don't really effect us because those images are something we see everyday, but back then, those people were in for a treat. Their house wasn't just a house, it was a dream.

But what is it today? It doesn't mean shit to us. Okay, so they have a pool, so do I. They have a boat, uh huh, me too. They have a new car, a flat screen tv, a boat, jet skis, MP3 players. Got it, got it, got it, got it. And what are the shows about? Sex and drinking. I think this past season, we got into one serious topic and that was people who cut themselves and even that solved itself in one episode.

But it seems like back then, a lot of things were different. Remember when Nickelodeon was the cool place to be a kid? Or was that Chuck E. Cheese's? At any rate, both of those have changed throughout the years. Can't take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese anymore because everything that is there isn't fun anymore. I enjoyed the little activities at that place until I was at least in the 5th or 6th grade. Try that with a little kid now and they are too sophisticated to be seen in there. Put their asses in front of a video game and then all of a sudden, they are okay.

Nickelodeon used to promote the fact that kids needed to be themselves. Somehow, it made me feel good to be Jeffrey, the guy who could sing, or Jeffrey, the guy who could play video games like nobody else. And it wasn't just talk. They had television shows promoting, what I know today as diversity. How we can all be different and be okay with that. What is Nickelodeon now, but a place where a kid can look at their favorite stars and try and be just like them to be cool. And the only thing I ever seen on Nickelodeon are the Nicktoons and what happened to them? I remember the good ol' Rugrats, Ren & Stimpy, Doug, Rocko's Modern Life...and one more, but I cannot think of it. Each show had something to do with these off beat characters who would never fit in the popular crowd, but were still cool in their own ways. But what do we have today? Rugrats: All Grown Up where now all the characters are cool in the popular way. Nothing against popular folks, but everyone will not reach that status. In fact, the majority will not reach that, so are we praising the high minority?

I miss those good ol' days because Mtv did teach us something. They made it cool to vote and cool to be different. And maybe they are the reason that we are okay with things now. Because their show was so interesting that we could put past all the things we used to think just to watch.

Number of the Day: 270

June 29, 2004

Well isn't this ironic. Sunday, I got a call from my mom and she asked me how I was doing. Basically, I verbally vocalized everything I have written on this site and more. God, that woman is supportive and she knows me so well. I know you are thinking, "Duhh" but it's different than that. When I told Wayne, the man I am living with, about how hard it was to find something to do and people to do things with, he listed off all of these things I could do. And as he was listening them, I was just thinking, that's not me. He wants me to make friends and invite them over to the house, but I am just not the hosting type. He wants me to go to local groups, but I am just not comfortable doing that. When I told my mother about my situation, she suggested other things. She asked if there were any people around the neighborhood that I could be around. There aren't. Then she just said to keep trying with the other interns. I like that about my mom. I guess it was something she had to learn because she used to be just like Wayne. She would suggest things that I would never do. Now, she has learned me and she gives me better advice because of it.

One of the interns, Ian, had invited me to see Fahrenheit 9/11 with the staff after I asked him and another intern, Mike, if they wanted to hang this weekend. They both replied they couldn't because they had family coming in. Now, of course I saw this as them just not wanting to be around me. Mike actually goes to the local University, Notre Dame, so I imagine he knows a lot of people around here. Ian goes to Ball State University in another part of Indiana so I assumed he also had friends up here too. But I felt it was kind of a consolation prize to be invited to the movie. But Friday, I started to talk to Ian about the page he was designing and he just seemed a lot more interested in me than I thought before. More open, I guess.

But I am going back into the past. Sunday came and I got dressed to go to the movies. I was a little worried that I would either be too late or not know the Tribune people when I saw them. I wasn't even sure if Ian would come because technically, we weren't invited. When I arrived, I saw my mentor waiting with a large group of people. They didn't see me and after a few minutes, they walked into the theatre. A few seconds later, I heard, "Hey Jeff" behind me. It was Ian. I got my ticket and we walked into the theatre. I was still kind of on the defense just because I didn't really know how to read this guy. But soon, we started talking, a lot. Turns out, he was in the same boat as me. He was staying with his grandmother and basically had nothing to do or nobody to hang out with. I told him that we are both going to hang in the future so that we don't die of boredom. He seemed pretty happy about that. I told him that I was worried that he and Mike wouldn't want to hang around a Freshman and the funny thing was, he didn't even know that I was a freshman (going into my sophomore year). He said it was still cool because he doesn't drink so there would be no going to places for folks 21 and older.

Maybe I will be okay out here after all. I still miss home and school, but it's nice to have someone who is in the same situation as I.

Oh, I bet you are wondering what this number of the day is. Well, there are two things with that. First, you won't know for sure until the end of the summer and also, unless you go to The Ohio State University or live in its surrounding area, you won't be able to really understand.

Number of the Day: 270

June 26, 2004

I miss home. I miss school. Just counting down the days.

I wouldn't say that I am having a horrible time here, I am just not having to much fun. My job is no where near what I expected it to be. I guess I was thinking a reincarnation of the Free Press, but it is far from that. At the Free Press, all of the apprentices were friends. Darrell, Bowdeya, and myself always went out. Sometimes we would take the girls if they weren't busy, but damn, we had a good time. At the Tribune, I don't even see the interns so it's not easy to really hang with them. Worst part is, I am the youngest one. Most of them are about to be Seniors, I am about to be a Sophomore. They can go to bars, but here in Indiana, if you are under 21, you can't get into any place that sells alcohol. At least in Ohio they stamp your hand or put a wrist band on you. Another reason why I hate this town. Quite literally, the only thing I can do is shop, go watch a movie, and sleep. But that's cool. Two more months and something days and I am coming home. 10 Weeks.

I just feel like I am not good enough. I mean, I have had a story in there (look for it online in the Creation section under Clips) and I got a huge one coming up, but it just feels like I am bad at this. Maybe it is just me. Right now, I just want to act. Right now, theatre seems like a better major than Journalism. But I know that when I do theatre, I feel the same way; that I'd rather be a writer than actor. I don't know. I want to go out and do something, but the interns I do know are busy. One guy is having family over today and I think the other is doing the same. We are going to hang Sunday with the rest of the staff though.

I got to finish this huge story I had to work about two weeks on. It will be on the front page of features for the forth of July. I guess the hard work paid off. But it seems like no matter how much work I accomplish here, I can't think about anything else, but how long it will be before this whole thing is over.

You know what I miss the most about OSU? Just going out at night. I miss going to Mirror Lake or just out somewhere. I don't know why I like the night and darkness so much, but I do. I like it more than the day because it just feels different. Maybe it was all those years of having to come in when the street lights came on. I don't know. I still need to go see those movies.

Number of the day: 273.5

June 24, 2004

It was 1995 and I was visiting my father for the first time in years. I was going to be spending a month with him and I was afraid. It was mostly because I was afraid to be away from my mother for a long period of time, but also because I really didn't know my father. He lived hundreds of miles away, probably thousands. Way out in California. It would prove to be an adventure for me. First time being away from home for more than a week. First time riding on a plane alone. Just a lot of firsts.

My father was never around even when I was there. He would leave out early and go to work. After that, we he would go over his own friend's house. When he was home he acted so distant, which made me wonder why he even wanted me there in the first place. When I was allowed to tag along with him, I was put in front of a television so that I wouldn't bother anyone. But for some reason, I still looked up to that man. Maybe it was because he was so big. My father is 6'3 and 200 something pounds of muscle. Back then, he was a super hero to me. Especially since he was a knight in this little real life role playing thing that he did. Folks see it all the time at Renaissance fairs, but my father did this all year. Yeah, he was a super hero to me.

We went to Oregon for that same reason, his medieval stuff. I got to dress up like he did when he didn't have the armor on. I felt like I was part of his world. The first day, he gave me this little silver coin which was the currency in their big program. I kept it. I don't know why. I could have spent it, but I didn't. It stayed with me for 9 years. I kept it up until this year when it was thrown away at college with a container I mistakenly left at school. I wished it hadn't gone because it reminded me of the days that my dad was a super hero.

Number of the day: 276.5

June 20, 2004

This weekend has been pretty interesting. It started out on Saturday. I woke up and had to go down to the Tribune to do an interview with this actor who has been pretty successful in film, television, and theatre. The guy has been on broadway a few times and has even won an Emmy for a show that he did. His name is Adrian Zmed and yeah, I was nervous. One thing that I think that I need to improve on as a journalist is my questions. They are almost never that deep or interesting and the only reason I get good information is because the person I am interviewing is talkative. Generally they have something that they want people to know about so they talk about more than I ask. Today, I knew that had to change. I sat there at that computer and racked my brain for good questions. And I have to say, for the first time, I came up with some great ones. When I finally did the interview, everything was great. Adrian made me feel comfortable and so I was regular ol' Infiniti on the phone. The interview ran about 20 minutes and I think that was a bit long because he seemed eager to get off the phone. When I hung up and I started to write the story a little, but eventually I just surfed the net until it was 2:30pm.

I had planned to go with one of the other interns so that he could show me around. He was waiting outside and we took his car to look around the city. The guy is great for doing what he did. He literally took me all over the city even though he had plans with someone else. It took us about an hour, but I came to realize that South Bend is exactly what I thought it was when I first got there: a dead town. There is almost nothing for folks my age except for shopping, movies, and sleeping. The things that are interesting, the South Bend Tribune has already written about. We'll see how it goes.

So that night, Anne's husband, Wayne, came back home and the guy is awesome. He is funny and extremely intelligent. Just talking to him is amazing because he has such a large insight into things. And one thing that I love is that, even though he has more experience than me in journalism and just life, he speaks to me like I am an equal. He began to help me come up with story ideas to pitch to my editors at the Tribune. We came up with some great stuff. One thing that I am really looking forward to is a story about a Big Brother/Big Sister Program. Wayne was a big brother to this guy named Stacy for 10 years. In fact the first day he picked Stacy up, Wayne bought a boat. Wayne also gave him his car as a graduation present.

Speaking of boats, I road that very same boat today. We dumped it in the water today and we drove around in it...if you can drive a boat. I guess it would be more like steering a boat. I don't know. He let me drive it and I was nervous because I was afraid to flip it over. I didn't. It was just amazing to be out there and going that fast. Wayne has to be an amazing father. That guy, Stacy, he is lucky that he got to spend 8 years growing up with this guy.

I have been here for exactly one week and one day. So far so good. Eventually I am going to have to go see a movie. I just need to escape for a while this world that can be so hectic. Right now I am yearning for films like Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban or The Chronicles of Riddick. Hell, I would love to see Dodgeball at this point.

Overall, this weekend was pretty cool. I got to wash EXP...it is still dirty. I don't know what I did wrong, but its definitely looks like I did nothing to it. I guess I will be going to the car wash tomorrow. I think I might also go to Target to get some car supplies. I also need to get the oil changed on the Big Black Beast. I love that car.

Well that's all for now. Goodbye, Goodnight.

Number of the day: 278

June 18, 2004

And so it begins, my days at the South Bend Tribune. I am sorry I haven't updated in a while, but you see, I no longer have the internet connection I used to. The people that I am staying with have the dreaded AOL dial-up connection. Also, with where I am, I get no reception on my cell phone. That means, no calls for me. At least, not until I get into South Bend. So what's being going on? I'm glad you asked.

I got here last Saturday in the company of my Mother, Grandmother, and cousin. My mother used the excuse that it would be nice to come early so that I could see the city, but I knew the real reason was just to see the people I would be living with. She won't be able to do this when I am interning much further from home. We got here and moved my things in. I am living with a man named Wayne Falda and his wife Ann Tideman. Their house is just amazing. They live right off of a lake and the sun sets in their backyard. I will take a picture of it soon and post it. Anyway, my living quarters seem to be larger than my house in Detroit. I stay in their recently finished basement. Wayne has what he calls a DVD theatre in the basement, and to tell you the truth, it is. He has a projector and a screen right in the basement, night to my room. Wayne, however, isn't here. He is somewhere in Michigan filming a movie. It's been Ann and me for the past few days. She's great and I enjoy talking to her.

I started at the Tribune Monday and pretty much, they showed me around, introduced me to people and then gave me 3 stories. Now, I feel kind of like a punk right now, but then I was scared to death. I mean, I love getting stories, but I would say that I became intimidated by my surroundings. I was the youngest of the interns and I just felt amateur compared to all of the other writers. My second day was a little better just because I started to work a little more, but I was still somewhat timid. My third day was the worse. I sat there all day, bored out of my mind. I wanted to do a story, but they never assigned me anything. It was horrible because I felt like I was there for nothing. One thing about South Bend is that there is absolutely nothing to do in the city for folks my age. I asked some of the other reporters and they confirmed my thoughts. I called my mentor back at the Free Press, Kelley Carter, and told her that the city was dead. She told me that, that was the reason they hired me. I needed to go out and find all the good stuff and report it back to the paper. I knew she was right and I knew that I need to stop acting like such a punk.

That's what I did. Today I walked in with a few ideas and I was ready to work. I told my editor my idea for one of my stories and she liked it. I will be working on that tomorrow. I had lunch with my mentor here at the Tribune, Aleesha. She is basically the Tribune equivalent of what Kelley is to the Free Press. She was very impressed with my enthusiasm, but she said I was too impatient. She told me that the editors are still trying to fill me out and that they will give me more stories once they know that I am not afraid to go out and do them. The intern last year was great, but she was a little timid about doing things, more so than I was. I may have the chance to review some theatre while I am here too. I need to do a test review so that the editor knows if he likes the way I do it or not. Here's hoping.

I do have to say that I miss everyone. It's kind of lonely just being out here by myself. I talked to this one intern, his name is Mike. Maybe he and I will be cool, but who knows. I can't wait to go back to OSU to see all my peoples. I will see them soon enough though. At the end of July, I am going to go see Cole and Kristin's show. I can't wait to see them, but there are a bunch of folks I won't see too. Alec is still in Columbus, my new buddy Ryan (who will from now on be referred to as Link) is in DC, and Anthony is also in Columbus. I can't wait to get back. That's all for now. I will update in a few days.

Number of the Day: 282