Goodbye, Goodnight Ohio State and my Freshman Year

After almost a year of working on applications, letters of recommendation, my grades, and gathering information, I applied to The Ohio State University. It was the only school I had planned on going to because I didn't send out any other applications. A lot was riding on this and in only a few long months, I received that letter saying I was accepted into OSU. Here it is, a year later, and I cannot believe the time has gone so fast.

This year has taught me a lot about people, life, and myself. This was truly a serious kick into the real world. I had to deal with my own money issues, people issues, and school issues. I will never forget the first time I was sent on a run around over at the Office of Financial Aid, Scholarships and Loans, and Fees and Deposits. It was absolute hell, but it made me realize that this was life. I remember being afraid that I wouldn't have money for books and I would be late paying my tuition. I also remember Franklin's father doing the best he could to calm me down. The guy spoke to me for what seemed like an hour.

College life really started when I moved in and my mother went home. It was Franklin and me sitting in that room. I remember looking at him and thinking he and I would be good friends. I remember looking at the room and thinking that it looked so much better than the other people's rooms. In fact, for the first few days, our room was where most people hung out. A few days after Franklin and I had moved in, the rest of our roommates came. Sterling was next. At first, I hated the guy. He had put a dry erase board on our door that said, "Sterling's Room" as if Franklin and I didn't exist in this whole situation. As Franklin and I moved people in, Sterling would sit around and watch us. I thought he was pretty weird because the guy just didn't speak. After our shift, Franklin, Sterling, Prince and I went to Target. On the way out, I spotted this guy who looked like my 4th roommate in a car. Sterling had seen him too and thought the same thing. When we got back, sure enough, it was him. Ben was quiet, but not as quiet as Sterling. For the first few days, we all were friends.

College brought some great people that I got to know and became friends with. Anthony was the first friend I had made on this campus. It was nice to know at least one Black kid who listened to the same music as me. He even introduced me to a whole different style of music called EMO. I argued him to death that it wasn't a real genre, but I was wrong. He started me listening to Something Corporate and then we went to their concert here in Columbus. This year we made the two hour trip to Cleveland to catch them again. Best damn concerts of my life.

This year has given me some great instructors and professors. One of my favorite had to be Beth Lindsmith, my English 110 Literature teacher. She was an amazing and intelligent person. Some how, she could bridge the gap between all of us so that we could understand everything she was teaching. If only I could take her class again. Another one of my favorite instructors was Jason Hedden for Theatre 280. He was the one who encouraged me to audition for the Spring shows and because of the work I did with him, I got into one of them. It was the worst theatre experience in my life, but I was glad to have it.

I will never forget the time when our whole room got sick. It started with Franklin and his girlfriend Jessica and spread to Sterling and Ben and then finally to me. It was the time that no one could sleep because I began to snore loudly. I remember waking up and Ben would be in the front room on the floor sleeping. I felt horrible because one thing I don't like to do is disturb people while they sleep. Franklin and Sterling just slept through it, but Ben couldn't. But as I got better, my snoring went away and everything was right in the world.

One of the greatest times I've had was the first finals week. I was going home rather late in the week, about Saturday, and so was a lot of the other office assistants. So one night, while at work, we played one of my co worker's games called Scene It. I wasn't even clocked in to work, we were just all having fun. We laughed, we screamed, we cursed. We had the time of our lives that night. I didn't go home until 4am.

Now that this year is over, I am kind of glad to go home...for three days. And then I am off to South Bend, Indiana. I have been doing so much theatre that I feel like my love for Journalism has been suppressed. I cannot wait to start my internship. I am kind of nervous, but like acting, I need to trust my talent enough to know that I will do well. After 10 weeks, I will be back at Ohio State. I am going to miss this place, probably after only a few days, but I will be back soon enough. I will miss the people I have come to know. There are some people that won't be returning in the fall. I hope to continue to speak to them. But it is time to depart now. Goodbye Ohio State, for now.

Letters to the people I have come to know...

Benjamin:

I have to say thank you for this entire year. You have truly effected and changed my life for the better. Before you arrived your first day, I was joking around about how religious you were, but I had no idea how that would impact my life. The first time you asked me to go to Bible Study, I knew I didn't want to go. My past encounters with discussing religion hadn't turned out so well (remember Cindy and Ashley crying in our room?). But constantly, you and Danny would ask me to join you guys. When I finally caved in, things were just amazing, but you don't know how hard it was, my friend. I never told you this, but for the first few meetings, I felt so sad. For some reason I just wanted to cry for every single meeting in the beginning and I didn't know why. But every week you asked me whether I wanted to go and every week, I went. And through I constant struggle I was going through, whether you know it or not, you helped me along the way. I remember sitting up at night and praying. I would say that I wished I could be more like you. Someone who could simply believe without resistance. It is so easy and yet we make it so hard. When I didn't agree with something, you listened to me. You helped me explore my own beliefs and I thank you for that. If I hadn't met you, I think that I would have still been running from my own faith. I would have still been putting up a fight against God that I felt myself losing. I thank you for that. Thank you for being a model to follow. I feel bad that things got so rough this year. Tensions seemed to always be high in that room and a lot of the times when I was upset about something, I took it out on you. I knew you didn't like cursing, so I did it more. I was a complete ass at times, when in reality I didn't want to be. I just needed to get out. As it got closer to the end, however, things got better and I am glad they did. I think you got to see a better part of myself and I got to get to know you a little more also. Ben, you are one of the folks I don't want to just say goodbye to. I seriously hope that we stay in contact hang out in the future.

Sterling:

All I know is that if you weren't there, tension in that room would have been unbearable. I know there were many times that Franklin and I were very close to getting into something not verbal and many times you slid in a joke and made everything okay. You came up with the best things to laugh at over the course of three quarters. I remember the first time you had me laugh for twenty minutes. A commercial came on and you just said, "Look at this." It was the infamous Subway commercial that had us all laughing, me especially. Since that day, you've had us on the floor laughing. Sterling, you are quite honestly a great person. There were times when I felt like absolute shit and you were always there to put a smile on my face. People on our floor absolutely love you, man. Thank you for a great year.

Franklin:

I am not going to sugar coat anything that I say to you or anyone. You made living in room 109 an absolute hell. I have said it before and I will say it again, you are the most inconsiderate and egotistical person I have ever met in my life. The problem is, you don't think about anyone but yourself. Not to say that you don't care about anyone but yourself, but you just don't think about anyone else. You don't take other people into consideration before you do things. You would see someone studying or talking on the phone and yet, you felt compelled to turn up your music. I remember when your girlfriend got sick and you continued to let her sleep in hour room, making us all ill. You left your crap everywhere without even thinking about the other people who also live in the same room. What you failed to realize was that you were not at home. I knew the first time that your mother came, that you were used to her picking up after you. Time to grow up. When I first moved in, I thought you and I would be friends. We had the same major and same interests, but things didn't work out that way, which was fine. But I never thought I would grow to dislike you as much as I do. Franklin, I think that you could be the greatest person in the world if you would stop putting on such a show. You are so intelligent and yet you act so idiotic sometimes. You can spit out (correct) information like no one else. I remember one time you corrected me on my own political knowledge. But at the same time, you can make yourself look so stupid when you ask, "If I had a girlfriend, would it be cheatin' if..." knowing that you know the answer. Or telling us what you did with this girl or that girl. As if you had to validate yourself every 30 minutes. You need to stop and realize who you are. I can see that you are not this front that you put on. If you would stop aiming for number 1 and be where you are on the scheme of things, you would just be amazing.

Cole:

Although you are number four on this list, Cole, I wrote this last. Words cannot describe how much you meant to me this year. It's kind of difficult just to try and type something because everything I feel, I have already said. You and Ben have to be the two people I feel closest to. From the first time we hung out and had that serious conversation right after joking around, I knew that you were someone I wanted to be around. And we did hang. My favorite part of this year was the first week of Spring Quarter when we hung out every night. I remember coming home and being so happy. I would wake up the next day and go to work and just talk about you guys like you were the new toys at K. B. Toys. Even my mom knows how much of an impact you have had on my life. I got to be with these people that I can not say that I love. I think it also meant a lot that I meant a lot to someone else. When you would come to my job just to hang or come pluck me from my room so that we could go get food, that meant a lot. You, along with Kristin and Alec were the people I have been trying to find my whole life. Being around you all is like a drug that I cannot get enough of. I remember when I first saw you. I believe at the beginning of 280, our teacher had you pick pennies up using your toes. You were hilarious. Cole, your drive is amazing and that's why I know that no one is ever going to stick you in an office. You will be the amazing actor/playwright/director that I know you want to be. Maybe one day, I will write a review of your show in a newspaper somewhere. Even though I will see you about a month after I get out of school, I am seriously going to miss you. I can already tell that we will probably not speak much over AIM because we will both be busy doing our own projects, and that's okay. But I just want you to know that you won't leave me for a moment. I just hope that as these four years pass, we continue to be friends. I hope that when this is all over, I am still close to you, because you are something special.

Ken:

Although you don't go to Ohio State, I couldn't do this without you. You have had my back more than anyone else at this school. Even before I made the journey to Columbus, you were telling me all the places to go to eat and hang out. When RENT came and you wanted to rush, you got out of the bed (even though I know you were suffering from a hang over), got dressed, and headed down to the Palace Theatre to wait in life. You even waited for me. One thing I will never forget was when you invited me to your family's home when I didn't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving. That may seem simple to you, but to me it means a lot. I didn't ask you to do it, you just called and asked if I wanted to go because you knew I was here by myself. You did the same thing for Easter. I was back in Detroit, but you called to make sure that if I were in Columbus, that food was not one of my worries. Its also cool that I can speak to you like a normal person no matter what. That I am treated no different. I am not treated different because I am younger or different from you. And that's great. I will continue to bug you as much as I can, because you are a good man Charlie Brown. See you at the Stranahan

Jennifer:

I don't even know what to say, but that I love you. You were the first good friend I had on this campus. I remember waking up at 6am just to come down to the front desk and talk to you for an hour in order to go to breakfast with you at 7am. Now that's love. We had some great times too. You forced me to go figure skating three times, which utterly mutilated my feet. I remember both times that you went with me to get my ears pierced and how they messed them up both times. I remember when you went nuts on the girl who lives across from us and how she was scared of you for the longest time. I also remember us creating your alter ego, "VAG." I am sorry that you had to leave OSU, but I really do believe that it is the right thing for you right now. College is not an easy thing to adjust to, but the most important thing is that you bounce back and stay in it. I hope you continue to come around the dorm because between periods when you do come, I miss you a lot. You make me laugh and you always listen. I can tell you anything and I generally do. Stay in touch, I love you.

Kristin:

Kristin, I am glad that I met you. At first, you were just my buddy's girlfriend, but now you are closer to me than just that. Kristin, you are one of the most talented people I have ever met. You have so many things that even people like me wish they had. You have so many talents piled up in that little body that you are destined to be something great. You just have to continue to push yourself to doing things. You are already well on your way. A show that you and Cole wrote yourselves is about to be produced and put onstage. Do you know how many people would kill for that opportunity? I don't ever want you to say that you cannot sing or that you cannot act. You are born for greatness. If you don't make it singing, you can act. If you cannot make it acting, you can make it directing. If you cannot make it directing, you can make it writing. If you cannot make it writing, you can make it composing. And it just keeps going with you. Hell, if I can't write, sing, or act, I'm screwed. Keep going Kristin and I will see you next year.

Alec:

Alec, you seriously added to me just feeling like Jeffrey this year. I always wanted you around because things just didn't feel right without you there. And even thought you were always busy, it was nice to drag you away from your other friends so that you could hang with us for a few hours, even if we did have to kidnap you. I appreciate all the time you spent with me as well as Cole and Kristin. I could always rely on you doing or saying something so crazy that we would all look at you strange (imagine that). It made me more comfortable with just being silly sometimes. I have also had some very deep conversations with you and it is great that I can do both with you. It was interesting to learn from you and about your beliefs. I hope that throughout these four years, we can continue to be friends.

Anthony:

Dude, you are just too cool. You always have something funny to say and I can always rely on you to take me one, what I would consider an adventure. I would have never showed up to a concert 5 hours early just to ensure a great view. I would have never journeyed two hours away from home just to see a band and then drive back and report to work 3 hours later. I would have never gone down a dark street and then all of a sudden see the headlights go off, scaring the shit out of me. You were a great friend. You helped me get food when I had to work Thanksgiving Weekend and everything was closed. You showed me Columbus one night, just because. We may not like too much of the same things. You are into cars and I'm not. I love Theatre and you don't, but we are still cool as hell. Much love, my friend.

June 1, 2004

A boy sits on his bed curled in fear. Darkness covers all that is near. Things that could help him see why he lives. But the light is gone and so is his will. If the light were there, he could see those who care. Picture by his bed, things that they had shared. But his face has turned away and he only sees the night. He has given up hope and cannot take flight. Curled in a knot he cries his eyes dry. His wings whither away as he begins to die. He pulls at his sheets to relieve the pain. He struggles to move to keep himself sane. But he feels it taking over with every second he thinks. And feel is pulling him as he sinks. Lower and lower, deeper and deeper. The darkness is getting darker and the silence becomes steeper. He prays for the end, but doesn't know what it brings. Will I feel nothingness or will it sting? No one answers him, Again, I am alone. He realizes this and begins to moan. He has fallen too deep now and no one can see. He will die now and then become free.

I remember when I was a kid, everything was an adventure. Simple things. Like riding my bike. My friends and I were only allowed to ride on the side walk on our streets and partially on the side streets. We were NOT allowed to even think about going around the block and we didn't. It was almost as if our parents had put up some invisible wall blocking our tires from even treading that far. We would push our limits though. Back then, we had alleys and I am sure there are alleys now, but back then, that's where the garbage went (instead of out in the street). My friends and I knew all the dangers that existed within that dark ally. There were monstrous dogs that were kept in backyards. What if one of the gates were open and the dogs chased us? What if one of us fell off the bike? It was something we all feared, but we still went. Heading the pack was my friend Chill and I. We peddled like demons through that ally and made it through safe and made sure everyone else did the same. We were our own Harriet Tubman. No one ever got caught.

I remember when my favorite food was boiled eggs. My cousin, Christopher, and I would eat them all the time. We called them Bock-Bocks because that was the sound chickens made before they laid them. We thought that if we sat on those boiled eggs, that a chicken would come out. We never sat long enough because we were too busy opening them and eating them. Always a good thought though.

I remember when I was a little older and my mother and I couldn't find one place to stay. She wanted a house, but in her grand trek for one, we had to stay in apartments. There was one that was horrible. It was winter and the heaters were turned off by the manager, just because she was warm. We were on the top floor and freezing. I remember me having to sleep in the living room and having 3 covers on and not being able to feel my toes at night. But it wasn't my toes I was thinking about. I wanted to see the next episode of Sailor Moon.

I remember when I was in the 8th grade and how horrible of a year it was. One of the worse things a person could be accused of was being gay and it was me that was being accused of it. It started out as something that only occurred in my class, but soon it radiated out to the other 8th grade classes. At lunch, I sat in silence by myself. Some of the people I called my best friends no longer spoke to me. No matter what I said to everyone, I was still what they believed me to be. This was the year that Columbine happened. Temptation? I don't know. I would try and miss school whenever I could. My mom didn't know what was going on. My teachers knew and did nothing. I wanted to die, but I felt like it could only get better. By the end of the year, I was supposed to sing with a group of kids for my graduation. I had a solo for one of the two songs we had to perform. The day of Graduation came. I wasn't there. One song was cancelled and the other was only done with three people.

I remember when I was in high school and I had the best time of my life. It was the triad, me, Steven and Matthew. They were the first guys I have ever loved like brothers. We went to the mall right before it closed and then snuck into a movie. It was 12:30am when we got out and so we walked to Steven's. There we played video games until I called my mother and told her I was staying over. Matthew was having problems with his parents so he just stayed. Around 3am, we got breakfast at a 24 hour Dunkin Doughnut. We brought it back to Steven's and Matthew was beginning to fall asleep. Steven made him sleep in the other room. Steven and I watched "The Skulls" until we both fell asleep.

I remember when Steven and I were in school and I was feeling horrible. He would ask me what was wrong and I wouldn't tell him. It didn't want to talk about what was going on. I was more quiet than I ever had been before. He was worried, but he had no reason to be that way. After a while I was okay. I just hated when people asked what was wrong. It was nothing they could help with. When he started to realize this, he didn't treat me special. He didn't treat me like a pity case. He will treat me like he always did and it made be feel better.

Close my eyes and take me away. Find me so that I no longer have to pray. Let me be happy or let me be gone. Let me be happy or not see the dawn. Any way that you want, I want death to lurk. Nothing can hurt as much as this hurts.

May 26, 2004

The year is really starting to wind down. I don't know if that is a good thing or bad thing. I am really anxious to be done with class, but at the same time, I don't want to leave Ohio State. I remember when I went home for Winter Break and after only a few days I was anxious to get back. Although I will be preoccupied with my internship, I know I am going to miss being here. School is just hard. While scheduling classes for next quarter, I decided not to double major because after only this year, I see how far behind I am. I still have prerequisites to worry about for Journalism. I can't afford to also worry about Theatre prerequisites too. If only this college thing was free.

These past few days have not been all that great. Cole and I got into a disagreement. More of a misunderstanding. I don't know why it effected me so much, even after we made up, which was over AIM. It just didn't happen in the best way. Cole and I never argued before, kind of like me and Steven had never argued, but when Steven and I had our first argument, we pretty much stopped talking. Maybe that's what scared me so much. At the same time, I know I pissed Cole off and he knew he pissed me off, but we didn't talk about it afterwards. That's what happened between Carmen and I. Maybe that is another reason that I was kind of scared. But Cole and I did settle it, but I just didn't feel right afterwards. Like, I didn't get to say everything I wanted. Things are cool now. We haven't hung since then though. I haven't seen Alec in a while. I'm sure he is with his own friends outside of the Fearsome Foursome (Me, Cole, Kristin, and him). I miss the guy.

Speaking of Carmen, I spoke to her yesterday. I was in the middle of watching Bowling for Columbine when she IMed me. At first I really didn't try to speak to her. It's not that I am upset at her or anything like that, but I made it up in my mind not to repeat the mistake I made when I went home for Spring Break, which was basically go crawling back to her as soon as she gave me a chance and then get shot down. I made it up in my mind that I wouldn't really try and continue our friendship until she changed who she had turned in to (whether or not she thinks she changed). But she did something that surprised me. She offered to send me a CD from my old theatre company. I accepted and we started just ...talking. I have to admit that it sounded just like old times. For once in about a year, we got into a deep conversation about what I was watching (she had watched it a week before). She had to leave after a while, but speaking to her felt like I had gotten into a time machine and I had traveled back a year. Carmen, Gabriel and I would have been starting rehearsal for the plays we did for the zoo right about now. Maybe my buddy will come back to me, one day.

School is going okay. I am failing JCOMM 200, which is my fault. I seem to fail at least one class a year. I am pissed at myself because I could have passed it, even with all of the stuff I was involved in. I would rather fail the class just because I don't understand something rather than to fail because I was lazy. Next quarter, I am going to make up all three classes that I failed. Here's hoping that it goes well.

One great thing that kind of helped with how crappy I have been feeling is the fact that I got to drive at night. After bringing my friend Ken some food at his job (he worked from 8pm to 8am and was hungry around 12), I got to drive alone. I got to sing and feel the cool, summer air just blow everywhere. It was amazing and I felt great. I think that when I finish school, I am going to wait until it is dark to drive back.

May 22, 2004

Oh, how so many things can happen in only one day...

Yesterday started off pretty cool. I woke up and went to rehearse with one of the Master of the Fine Arts (MFA) Actors, Antonio. Another actor named Monica and myself are doing a scene for his directing class. Everything went pretty good there. Afterwards, I went to class, no big deal. I come back to the dorms and Ben asks me if I would like to go to Target with. I say sure because I really didn't have anything to do until 5. We went to get my car and drove over to Target, he needed some swimming trunks. You know, the more I hang out with Ben, the more I like the guy and am glad to know him. I just hope we will be this cool next year. While we were in the store, however, I got a call from my mother. We spoke casually and then she said, "I have some bad news." Here we go again, right? Turns out, my Grandmother's Dog is going to be put to sleep. He son (my uncle), Gregory gave her that dog before he died of cancer in 1993. I don't care what anyone says, I think that Greg was her favorite son. When he died, that dog was the thing that stayed with her. Even though we all moved out of the house, that dog has always been there. My grandmother is upset. Another person she loves is leaving her. My grandmother has lost two of her children and her brother. God, the pain of getting older. My grandmother is so strong though and I love her for it.

That wasn't the end of bad news for the day. Cole and Kristin were going for RA positions and only Kristin got the position. She didn't get the building she wanted though. I don't really know how Cole felt about it because I hadn't seen him until about a day after he found out. When I did see him I gave him a hug. I hope he is okay. He wants to move off campus which means we will see very little of him. I hope he decides to stay in the dorms.

Yesterday, the Black Association for North Campus Students (BANCS) had a meeting and kind of a funday for their new Executive Board. We met in my future dorm, Drackett Tower, and went over how to run things. We were planning to go to Gameworks after, but a storm hit. Of course, they made me drive (I don't know how they found out I had an Explorer, but some how they did and got me to drive). They said I would be paid for gas so I said okay and I headed out in the storm to get my car. It was bad out. Lighting everywhere and as I walked with my little umbrella, I just prayed to God that I wouldn't be electrocuted. Everything went okay though. We went to Gameworks and had a great time.

Lately, I haven't been writing and I just have no real urge to. I guess this is what you would call writers block, but it doesn't bother me. I don't want to force anything. I decided to make "Exile Running on a Tangent" into a series of scenes instead of just one. The reason why is because the character, Yanikos, is a major character, yet a lot of the things that he does, Quinton will never see. He will only be told about hit. I figure that Yanikos and his life deserves something more. But the scenes and book kind of go together. When Yanikos is talking to Marcellus, we don't know how he really feels. We only know that from when he speaks to Quinton. On the other hand, in the scenes, we know exactly what is going on, but in the book we only know what Yanikos tells us. Exile itself is on hault right now. I just can write it right now. The language isn't there right now. Soon though.

 

May 19, 2004

You know, I really can see why religion can really piss people off, because it did a very good job of pissing me off yesterday. Wait, I take that back, it's not the religion itself more than it is the people. If you have been following along, you know that I go to Bible Study every Tuesday with my roommate Ben. For the most part, it has been a great experience and it has brought me so much closer to God. There is, however, still a sort of rift between myself and the Bible Study leader, Danny. I am, what you would call, the Devil's Advocate of the group, but never on purpose. I ask questions that I want to know the answer to. Often times, when I try to answer the questions for myself, I see a lot of things that get in the way. So instead of, "What is man's origin" I ask something like, "If God created man then why is science finding the man evolved from apes? And how do you explain evolution over that?" It's not me trying to be difficult, they are just questions that I would like to be answered. But that's a different story. Danny also knows that there are a lot of things about the Bible that I disagree with. To him, it is almost if not completely true. To me, the Bible has a general theme, but I don't believe it in its entirety simply because man wrote it. So yesterday was a question day where we were allowed to ask questions and have them answered through research. We all researched each other's questions. It worked out pretty well although most of my questions did not have answers to them. But what pissed me off was a question that went something like, "What are the roles of women in the Bible and how do they pertain to today." Danny did research this and of course he came up with a bunch of (what I call sexist) answers. Basically he reported that a woman should serve, not lead in church. This is how she is to please God because that is the function God made her for. He also said that woman is not lower than man, but they are equal. But a woman should serve the man just as Jesus served God. I thought the crap about a woman should not lead in church was a bunch of crap. It is the same as far as the household goes too. I guess it offended me because my mother is one of the strongest women I know and to say that she isn't doing God's will kind of pisses me off. What was worse was that Danny believed that stuff. When Ben and I got back to the dorm, he asked why I didn't say anything to Danny. I told him it was because it would have turned into a "Do you believe everything in the Bible" issues and I didn't feel like arguing it.

After that was over, I spoke to my friend Tim. He is a cool guy. I talked to him about what happened. What's the point of me being Christian if all I do is disagree with it? He talked me down and made be feel better though. I am glad he did. I wasn't considering changing religion, but I am tired of going to war with my own religion.

It was late and I was still on the computer, just board. I believe Tim had logged off and I was just listening to music and playing Pokemon. Cole IMed me and we conversed a little. He said some stuff to me that I just didn't expect. He said something along the lines that he was glad that he knew me and that we were friends. I asked him where the hell that came from and he responded with, no where, I just wanted you to know that. I didn't really know what to say. I mean, the day before the guy said I love ya as he logged off and I have only had one friend say that to me and that was Carmen. I thought that him saying that was the coolest thing ever. I mean, we all want to be loved right? When someone outside of your family can say that freely, that's something special.

I went to sleep and tried to pray, but ended up falling asleep. No dreams, just Infiniti in the darkness, alone and by himself. Keep silent Infiniti, keep silent.

May 15, 2004

Last night was another night devoted to my friends. Cole came and got me after his show and along with Kristin, Alec, and a guy named Xandon, we went over some people's home who I don't know. One thing that sucks about Ohio State's off campus housing is parking. We rode around for a good 10 minutes trying to find parking. During our search, Xandon (who was driving) hit the side of the curb and blew his tire. I felt bad for the guy. I know how expensive that can be, but he said he had insurance on the tires so it would be okay. He and Cole changed the tire. It made me realize that I have no idea what to do if I were to have a blowout or a flat tire. I guess I will have to learn very soon. So while Xandon is finishing up, Cole holds one of the lug nuts. Alec and I are singing from RENT and all of a sudden, Cole drops the nut in his hand. We searched for a long time for that thing, but we couldn't find it. We left it there as a souvenir for the next person to have a blow out there. When we finally got there, some of the folks were already drunk. One guy was asleep, but for the most part, almost everyone else was awake. We all proceeded to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I had never seen it before, so it was a real treat. I laughed all night. While some of us watched that, others played Euchre. I don't understand the fascination with the game, but whatever. After that, we all played Mario Kart 64, where I proceeded to kick everyone's ass. This one guy was getting me back though. Just when you thought you gave up video games forever.

I briefly spoke to Carmen yesterday. I IMed her and asked what college she had decided to go to. She will be at Macalester College, a private liberal arts college. Alpha will be leaving in a little while to go to school in Atlanta, Georgia. I won't see him before he leaves. I guess we will have to wait until Christmas. Sucks that way. I am going to miss that guy. I remember when we were both younger. We used to play Mario Kart 64 all the time. It was the only game that we were equally good at. There were times when I would prevail and other times when he would. Not like when we were play Super Smash Bros. 64 and he would totally murder me and piss on my corpse. We had some laughs back then.

You ever have moments where you wish you could go back to a certain time that just felt good? I mean, you have that moment in your head and when you remember it, it's like getting a whiffs of what it felt like. I have a lot of those nowadays. I don't exactly want to long for the past, because it is in the past and can never be held, but I find myself wishing. I wish I could go back to my time with the Mosaic Youth Theatre of Detroit and perform my role of Trygeus again. Or go back to the time when I got to perform with two of my best friends, Gabriel and Carmen. I really took that time with them for granted, because we will never be on stage together again. I wish I could go back and laugh like I did when I was around Alpha. Or maybe even further when I was just a kid. My first best friend, Little Willy (better known as Chill) would try so hard to climb this tree, but we never could. We tried to get a club house, but never could. We had fun in trying though.

Those were the days...

May 11, 2004

I went home for a mini vacation from my dorm and when I got back I found a few things on my desk.

First was a package. Thanks to my friend Alpha, who supplied me with a Gameboy Advanced (for absolutely nothing), I thought I would get back into my old Pokemon mode. Instead of spending a lot of money on the games, I decided to go to Ebay and bid on them. I got Pokemon Crystal and Yellow for very cheap. I think I will be using Ebay more often.

The second was a letter. On the envelope was a stamp that said Cleopatra State Prison. Even though it had been about a year or two, I could recognize the hand-writing. It was my brother writing me back. I didn't open it right away. I was wondering how he would respond to the questions I asked him. Would he say I was crazy and that I made everything up or would I get the answers that I wanted? I wasn't sure, but after a few minutes I opened the letter. I didn't get the answers the way I wanted them, but I got something. I am not upset at him for not answering my questions because in my heart, I have forgiven him. I love my brother no matter what. I wrote back to him the very same day and mailed it to him. Inside I included a few stories I wrote for my school paper and the Detroit Free Press. I wish my brother could have a second chance, but at the same time, I know the guy deserves what he got and he has to pay that off. My best wishes to him.

My internship is getting closer and reality is setting in. Not so much about the internship, but the rest of my life. Every summer for the next four years, I will work at a newspaper working on my craft. This, more than anything, will be what gets me into my career. My friend Marlon who is an amazing journalist, is going to be making more than my mother. All I can do is think, "That is going to be me one day, doing something that I absolutely love." But this means that my days as a kid is over. No more summer "jobs." I won't be working just to make money, it will be to get myself a job in a few years. Kiss my dream of working at Cedar Point goodbye.

Sometimes journalism does make me kind of sad. In choosing journalism, I will have to totally give up acting. Now some people say that I don't have to, but I know that to be a serious actor, you have to put it as number one so that when they call, you can quit your job and go. I won't be able to do that as a journalist. I keep thinking that in 4 years, some folks on broadway will call me and have me audition for a part and I will get it. That way, when the show closes, I can go back to writing. Unfortunately, that is so unrealistic that I gave up on that dream. Sometimes I wonder why I even work on acting if I know that I will never use it.

So, to dreams that seem as though they never will be reality:

"Hello riders, welcome to the Magnum XL-200. Please pull down your lap bars and fasten your seat belt, because you will be going up a hill of 205 feet and going down a drop of 195 feet. You will be traveling at 72 miles per hour so we urge you to please hold on to all loose items because Cedar Point is not and will not be responsible for any lost or damaged items. We hope you have a great time here on the Magnum XL-200 here at Cedar Point, America's Rockin' Roller Coast."

May 6, 2004

I am still in a strange place, I guess you could say. Things are still great, but things are confusing around here too. I guess this is so because there are some great things happening, but at the same time there are some bad things happening at the same time and it leaves things in kind of a void.

I have writer's block as far as Exile goes. I hate it too. I just got to a great part in the book and now all that energy and idea is gone. It was the scene I wrote, "Exile on a Tangent." When I wrote that, I got to focus on one of the characters that I am interested in and it kind of blew me away from Quinton and Ali. I want to write another scene which takes place towards the end of the book, but I want to write the book. I hate this feeling because I feel stagnant. I am a writer and yet I cannot write anything at the moment except for another scene. A scene that probably won't ever be performed. Shit.

Tonight was the elections for the Black Association for North Campus Students (BANCS). I was up for Education Chair and I won.

I remembered why I love Journalism so much. The other day, an editor from the New York Times came to speak to my JCom 200 lecture the other day. Although his speech was kind of boring, I enjoyed it a lot. After he was done, I took a few moments to speak with him personally and it just felt like old times at the Detroit Free Press. I remembered why this was what I want to do. I mean, I would love to do theatre professionally, but there is just this feeling with Journalism. Ah, I love it. I cannot wait for my internship to start.

I talk about them way too much for my own good, but I love my friends here. Arts people, finally. You know, high school really sucked. I mean it really sucked. I was an arts guy and it seemed like the only way I could like the arts was if I were gay. I hated that label. In high school, even being about Journalism was messed up because it was a very serious role. Now, I can be with this great, great people and just be. You know? I hung out with Cole, Kristin, and Sean the other night. It was about 11:30pm and we went to get coffee. Kristin and I were singing from the musical, Wicked and Cole and Sean were talking. We got Coffee and talk about the war a little. Not in the context that most people do though. Then we walked back to Baker West Hall and Kristin played the piano while Cole wrote his scene. I sang to some of the songs that Kristin played and joked around with Cole and Sean every so often. And I realized that this is my dream.

Today was strange because I feel myself growing further from one of my friends here, Wade. If you are an avid reader of my journal, you know I met this guy last quarter and thought he was so cool. I don't think that anymore. For the past few days, I just haven't wanted to be around him. Sometimes the things that he says are just ...Sometimes, I wonder if he actually thinks about what comes out of his mouth. He made some comments about a girl in our class who is also Kristin's roommate, right in front of the girl. I sat there and just thought, why the hell do you have to be so rude? Its not just that, I am starting to just not like the person that he is. I mean, sometimes, you can hate the things that a person does, but you like them because you know they have a good heart. This guy, I am just not liking HIM. I mean, he can be a real asshole to people at times and I just find myself not wanting to be around him. And I hope it isn't just me. I mean, I don't want to seem like the guy who finds the negative in everyone. Today he called me, "Boy" as in, "Show some respect, boy." And I don't know why it pissed me off so much. I knew he was joking, but it was a comment that made me feel smaller than him. There are just some things that you don't say to folks. Respect.

Things have been strange beyond words. Not so much actual events, but just emotionally strange. Things are hectic, but at the same time very constant. I am not as tired as I was before, but I am still ready for school to end. Everyday, I feel like I am doing worse in class and I wish that I hadn't taken the 20 credit hours that I did.

So basically what has been going on. Well, socially, I feel like I am getting closer to my friends. My friend Alec and I have been speaking to each other a lot more. Before, he was just a guy I knew through Cole. I saw him every so often and we spoke a few times, but nothing more. Now, I speak to him more frequently and that's cool. I am learning more about his beliefs (he is Jehovah's Witness) and it is very interesting. We joke about it sometimes, but mostly I just want to know more about these people that my family always tried to avoid on the weekends. Learning more, I feel kind of bad never opening the door to them. Their beliefs are so strict that some of the simple things we take for granted as being okay, is against what they believe. In fact, that is the reason they go to people's houses. They see all this crap going on around them and they want to do something to correct it. That's more than most Christians do. Now, I am not thinking of changing my beliefs, but I have a lot of respect for them now.

Lately I have been writing my ass off. Cole told me that I should write a scene so I took about 3 hours and wrote one up. It was called, "Exile Running on a Tangent." Basically, I took one of the characters from my story, Yanikos, and put him in a scene. What happens in the scene happens in the life of the story, but the reader never reads it. All we see is the outcome. So Yanikos goes and meets someone, but we don't see it in Exile until he brings the person into Quinton's life. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, Cole thought it was pretty good, which is tight because I've never written a scene before. You can read it in my Creations.

I am going to attempt to go home this weekend. I am going to probably see Mosaic perform their show and see a show that my first director is putting on at his high school. Plus, it's Mother's Day so I am going to spend time with my mom. Lord knows I don't have the money to spend on her ...seriously. Damn Explorer. Let me tell you, I spent close to $30 filling that thing up. I would hate to ever be on Empty because that would probably be a pay check.

Overall it has been a cool little while. I am enjoying being with my friends more than anything. I wish I weren't single though.

 

Last night, I had a dream. It wasn't a good one, in fact it was the first nightmare I have had in a long time. I woke up terribly afraid and unable to go back to sleep. It felt so long even though dreams typically occurred a few seconds before you wake up. I never want to dream it again.

In the dream, for some reason I went home and my family was being terrorized by some people. There were not authority figures in whatever world I was in, so there was no way I could go to the police. These people were going to kill off my family one by one if I didn't die. I don't know what I did, but it wasn't important in the dream, my death was. As I remember it, a few of were going to be forced to commit suicide to save the rest. I remember seeing a bunch of different methods right in from of us, kind of like a kit. I guess the stipulation was that our bodies would have to be found in order for this hunt to stop. My family and myself were hiding out in the basement of a house. We were safe for the moment, but not forever. I chose to overdose on pills. I was afraid, but somehow I knew they wouldn't kill me, so I took them. I was right. They didn't kill me, but when they didn't work, I was given one single gray pill. I knew this would be what killed me and so began the struggle. I wanted to save my family, but I didn't want to die. In my dream I felt so afraid that I cried. I told my mother that I would go away and never see them again and they could say that I died. But I was reminded that these guys wanted to see my body or everyone in my family would die. I remember looking around and looking at my family. Looking at the sky and the grass and not being ready to leave. I could do it, but I couldn't let my family die. I felt this absence of any type of omniscient being and I felt truly alone. I put the pill in my mouth knowing that when I died, there would be nothing to look forward to. I played with it in my mouth and then I woke up. When my eyes opened, I didn't get out of bed. I was so shaken by it that I needed to relax. I have never felt so close to death in my life and I never want to. But I know that day will come.

I didn't tell anyone about this dream. I started to tell my mother, but I felt stupid. Like it was only a dumb dream, but I have never been that afraid before. Death is one thing, when you cannot stop it from happening. But in that dream, I was the one who had to kill myself. It was like sacrificing myself for the people I love, but at the same time worrying about myself instead of being heartless. I didn't want to say goodbye. I wish I knew why I had this dream. Maybe it was just me thinking too much. I don't know.

Time is definitely on the run. As I layed in the darkness of my room last night, I thought about the beginning of the school year and it felt so close, as if it had only been last week that I arrived at Ohio State. But when I look around at the room and all that my roommates and I have gone through, how we have changed in each others' eyes, it does feel like it has been a long time. In only 6 weeks, my freshman year at The Ohio State University will be over and I will be going to South Bend, Indiana to begin my journey toward adulthood. I'm not too nervous, it just feels like time is flying by. One day I am going to be 30 and wondering where it all went. Then I will be 60 and wondering where it all went. Then I will be on my death bed and wondering where it all went. I don't want it to be like that. Here I am wishing I had more time to live and I am only 19. If a person's life span was 10, I would only be reaching 2.

So what has been going on around here? Not much. After the concert I got some rest... a lot of rest in fact. I even missed a class because of it. Well, more my allergies than me being tired. I have gone to class with only 3 hours of sleep before, but this time I couldn't keep my eyes open because they were swollen.

Class is going fine, but I am going to take this next week to get my stuff together. 5 classes could mean a boost in GPA, but it could also mean a drag in it too. I need to get above a 2.5 very soon so that I can apply for the school of Journalism. It will happen, I just don't know when.

I am sending out a bunch of letters today. Heh, in the age of information, folks still have to use snail mail. One letter is going to my mom. It's not really a letter, but more of a bill from OSU. The second is a letter for my brother. Didn't know I had a brother did you? Well, he is my dad's son, not my mothers so I guess he would be considered my half brother. The suffix doesn't matter much to me, that is my brother. Along with him, I have two sisters. Yes, my dad has been busy. I am writing him because he is in jail. Don't ask the reason, but I haven't spoken to him in a long time. I don't think anyone has. I know if I were there, I would want someone to write to me. I had some questions to ask him. Personal ones. I needed some answers from him. I told him that he needed to really think about his response and if it takes him a year to give me some good answers then he could take it. I don't know how long it will take him, but I guess we will see.

 

Already we are into the forth week of school and I am half ready for this year to be over and half not. After awhile, you get tired of being busy, but then again, you like to have something to do. Contradictions indeed.

For the past few days, I have been trying to relax. Now that I don't have rehearsal, I have just been chilling out and actually getting some sleep. Unfortunately, my allergies have kicked in so I have been spending my days sneezing my ass off. Always fun. School is going well as I am starting to get into the routine of actually going to class. It's not that I have been skipping, it was just more difficult when I had school and rehearsal. Now that there is just school, I need to find times to study.

Yesterday was kind of funny. Once again, right before I go to sleep, Cole comes up to my room and asks me to come with him. I do and it turns out Kristin needs help with her project for her Resident Advisor class. She has to show how her environment would be next year. So I say sure. At first I was going to be the "minority" in her video, but eventually I turned into a gay guy. Cole played my boyfriend. Kristin knew she wanted to do something about homosexuality and acceptance, but she didn't know how to convey it without it looking stereotypical or comical. Eventually we came to a few conclusions. Cole and I would be sitting in a public place and I would have my arm around him and hand on his...blah blah blah. He and I are flirting and the guy throws some paper at us. I stand up and Cole tries to stop me from going at him. I do anyway and show the guy that I'm not stepping down to him. I end up grabbing him by his shirt and lifting him into the air. End scene. It was cool because we didn't do that whole, "Gay guys are wimps" type thing. The second part was the same thing, only Kristin "the RA" stopped us from fighting and gave the guy some information. He comes back up to Cole and I and apologizes. It was pretty funny, especially since I had to be all flirty with Cole in front of people. I can only wonder if people saw us filming or not.

Tomorrow, I go to see Something Corporate in Cleveland. It should be interesting trying to get there. I will have a report tomorrow.

I felt like writing again today and I don't know why. I feel like I missed so much when I took my week+ away from writing my Journal. Time is a killer thing. There have been many times this past week where I just said, "I wish there were more hours in the day." I think we all wish that sometimes, but things move so fast nowadays that even if we were given more hours, we still would not have enough time. But I have been a little better. I went to the library here just to find a book to read. I picked out the Color Purple and I have been reading it slowly during rehearsal. It is giving me some ideas and techniques for my own story. I don't know, maybe Quinton will have a moments where he says, "Dear God..." but I don't know how religious he is yet.

I have taken time away from Exile too. Not because I want to though. After completing chapter 15, I wanted to move immediately into 16, but Identity set me back about two weeks. I have so many ideas and I am wondering how to put them down. It's kind of a chaos going on inside my head. You know, instead of a void of nothingness, it's a ball everything. It just lacks form.

My first show of Identity was yesterday. For all of our hard work, I think the show was great. My roommates came and so did Cole and Kristin before they took their trip to New York. I think the greatest thing in the world for me was performing for them. I speak about my love for acting all the time, but they never got to see me do it before, so this was a great opportunity. I did see Franklin going to sleep when I wasn't on stage. Hell, I can't blame the guy, I feel like going to sleep when I am backstage. Things seem to be getting better between he and I.

After the show, Cole asked me to hang with him and so I did. We talked arts, literature, and all that jazz. I read some of the poetry that he writes and it is amazing. It makes my old stuff look like crap. Kristin, Cole, and myself are going to start something like a Dead Poets Society. We are going to try and meet Thursday, I believe, just to read poetry or writing or whatever. It will be late at night so that the Oval isn't crowded.

You know, I realized when Cole was packing for New York that I am going to miss a lot of people come summer. I mean, there are bound to be drop outs, transfers, and just space between a lot of us. But who knows if that will be for the best or worse, you know? I am happy that I have an internship this summer, but I am kind of upset that I won't be able to do certain things. Alpha is going away to college so I will never get to hang with him for an extended period of time. I won't be able to spend time with Gabriel who is still High School. I will never get that job at Cedar Point! But with the way things are going, this will help me. Getting an internship every year helps a lot when it comes to finding a job, because the people will already know you. But I will still miss my friends this coming summer, and so I hope this will be a short one. Imagine that, me wanting to come back to school.

Next week, Anthony and I are going to make the drive to Cleveland to see Something Corporate. I am very excited because the last time I saw them, I was vaguely familiar with their music. This time, however, I know almost all of it. Anthony and I are going to get the tickets today. Only a few things concern me though, gas being one of them. We will be driving to and from Cleveland, and in my Tank, that is expensive. To fill from half a tank costs a good $22 so imagine filling it twice. At least we are splitting the cost. I am also worried about sleep. We are going on one of my long days in class and I know I am generally tired afterwards. We are driving up as soon as I get out. Now, granted I will be okay going up there, but driving back at 11 or so. That's going to be hard. Anthony said he would trade off on driving and I do trust the guy with driving my car. But every time I think about someone else driving my car I think of that off chance that the police pull us over for something. One ticket on my license raises my insurance and we all know how that goes. Still I think it will be a great time.

Please excuse me for my lack of updates, but Jeffrey has been a very busy man. I think more so than I care to be. The last time that I spoke on here, I was starting my first Ohio State production called Identity. Last time that I spoke here, I was also very excited about it. Well all of that has expired and rotted. This is going to be a big one guys, so if you aren't a fan of reading, best skip over this one until next time.

Where to begin? One night last week, I had a dream. Well, a few dreams, but the one that woke me up was a dream about my old friend Steven. In it, he was chasing me through the school and I couldn't get away from him. He was acting strange as if he had a mental problem. I ran and ran and I thought I got away when I got into the elevator, but his hand came between the doors making them open. I work up kind of shaken, but it got me thinking... Read on.

I was given the character of Zayed in the show. He is one of three humans actually seen in the show, other than the storyteller. I was actually very happy about the part and could wait to start working. I couldn't wait to act. Well, I wasn't given that opportunity. In fact, the director has to be one of the worst I have ever had. The man is the writer/director of the show, meaning that he wants the show to be done exactly how he envisioned it. The problem with that is, there is no room for the actor to create a character of his own. When we sat down and read the lines, the man told me how to say each line. The man also had us learn one scene a day for three days. Not an easy task when you are taking 5 classes that equal 20 credit hours, but I did it because I have been waiting all year to be on stage. Well at the last minute, director decides to record one of the scenes we were to memorize. So basically I wasted a night that I could have been studying, learning lines that were going to be recorded. Yahoo! So after this shock comes, Friday he tells Tyler (the guy that my character converses with) and I that he only wants that scene to be done with one person. I couldn't believe it. I went ahead and told Tyler to do it because the director, for some reason, believes that I am just bad. He always has a note for me and almost never a note for Tyler. First he tells me that I am too emotional and that I should read it like I am reading a book. Fine. But then he says to put emotion into a line. He constantly contradicts himself and it is starting to bother me and I know it is bothering the rest of the cast.

All during this time, I still have school and it is not easy. I was finding myself exhausted every night. It didn't matter how early I went to sleep, when I would wake up, I was still very tired. With everything going on in rehearsal and school, I started acting different around my roommates. Not laughing when something was funny or even talking to them. I would just kind of come home, check my email, chat for literally twenty minutes and go to sleep. I was becoming very unorganized, forgetting that I had to work or that I had homework due. I needed to just go home and I knew it.

After rehearsal was over on Saturday, I packed my things up, got in EXP and went home. The drive alone was great because for once, I was by myself. It was just me and my music. It was especially nice when it got dark and there weren't many cars on the road. Seeing my mother was great and I gave her the biggest hug that I could muster. It just felt good to be back. I slept in my own bed. Watched what I wanted on TV. Peace.

The next day, I went to church. It was one of the main reasons why I wanted to be back. I needed to feel something good and I couldn't think of anything better. Church was great. My pastor wasn't there because his father had just recently died, but one of the members of our church who is going to seminary, took his place. She delivered an awesome sermon that I definitely took with me when I left. But in leaving, I remembered my dream and what I had decided to do. I picked up my cell phone and called Steven at his home, hoping he had come home for Easter. A man picked up the phone and I asked him if Steven had come home. He said yes he did and that this was him. I didn't bother to make small talk and I got to the point. I asked him if it would be okay if I stop over. He said sure. My intentions were to show him my car and basically get an update of what's going on in his life. When I arrived at his house he was getting dressed for church. I found out that he no longer went to Ferris State University and that he was living at home. He had worked for a little while, but is planning to go to school at Macomb Community College. I felt kind of bad that he left school. Something about Steven told me that he was going to get it on the first try, but things change. I gave him the address to my site and told him to read the Issue that I had written about him. After that I left.

I had planned to go see any old friend whom I feel is getting a lot closer to me, Alpha. I don't know, we fought all those years ago and we hadn't spoken, now it feels good again. In fact, he was one of the people I wanted to see the most (other than family) when I came home. Something has changed about him. He is still the funny, sarcastic guy that I knew years ago, but now I feel like I can really talk to the guy. I mean, we haven't really gotten into deep things, but I don't know. Something has changed in him and me. I went over there and we played video games like we always do. He royally kicked my ass in my favorite game, Street Fighter. God, it was a nice time because he had me laughing so hard. It was something I needed after all this time. I wish he wasn't going so far to college because I would have liked to hang with him more in the future. Here's to road trips I guess.

Coming back to school was okay. I would have liked a few more days, but that's not reality. Back the show and all the stresses of it. Last night I stayed up until 3:30 working on a report with Cole and his girlfriend Kristin. I work up at 7 to finish it. Right now, I am tired, sleepy. I want my bed and I will get it tonight, early.

Ever feel like you have been slapped in the face? I mean, really just knocked off your feet and just because you are lucky, you landed in a nice soft chair, but still, you were knocked? I definitely got that feeling today. Here is the story, missing some names though.

I just found out one of my friends is gay today. Well, bisexual actually. It was after one of my classes. Cole and I knew this guy from auditions, but I had known him before that when we were in Theatre 100. He and I became cool because we were just about the only ones in the class who had an interest in theatre. After that, I introduced him to Cole at auditions and callbacks. Cole and I would see him every so often when he was walking from his class to Theatre 100. I would talk to the guy in class. In fact, one day we both just walked around campus. He showed me his monologue and I showed him mine. We were friends, hell we were cast in the same show. So this quarter rolls around and he, Cole, and I are in the same class. I think this is pretty nice because I got my two good friends in it. Well today we all decide to get breakfast and the guy is telling Cole his life story, one in which I have heard. Come to find out, I heard the edited version of it. This dude has done some stuff that he never told me, so I am hearing all of this for the first time. Then he says that he has been living with his boyfriend for a while now. I am like, WHAT? Where did that come from?After that, he basically turned to me and said, "I lied to you." Basically talking about my questioning his sexuality last quarter. I just kind of sat in my seat quietly. This is the second time in the quarter that this has happened.

Now, him being gay doesn't bother me at all. I mean, come on, I am Jeffrey. I am cool with everything. But I think what got me the most is that the guy couldn't tell me before. Well, I guess he could have, but just chose not to. He said that he doesn't tell too many people because they tend to treat him different, but he knew that wouldn't be the case with me. I just wonder why he felt more comfortable telling Cole than me. Maybe he told both of us and not just Cole. Maybe we both make him feel comfortable. I don't know. I mean, it's not an insecurity, but it just makes me wonder how I come off to people.

So the play that I am in, Identity, has started. We met with the director yesterday. The guy is from Iraq. He seemed like he was going to be difficult. Like things are going to be his way no matter way and I have no problem with that as long as I get a show. But I don't really know what to expect. I feel bad for my buddy. He has the largest part in the play. Narrator. I lucked out though. I got a pretty large speaking part, but other than that, most people will be doing the shadow puppets. See, Identity has a few stories in it. One is a conversation between two men, Salem and Zeyad. Zeyad is in Iraq during the war and he is telling his friend Salem about what is happening. This is done with real people (myself as Zeyad and a guy named Tyler as Salem). Then there is the story of Gilgamesh which is done with Shadow puppets. Actors are put backstage in costume and their shadows are projected on to the screen. Why did I luck out? Because I will be one of the few folks actually seen and heard. I might have to wear a mask, but we will see.

The first week of class is over and I am more tired that I have ever been. I blame it on the lack of sleep that I have been getting. It seems like every night I go to sleep at 1 or 2 and have to wake up at 6 for some reason. Even on the days that I am allowed to sleep for more than a few hours, I seem to wake up tired. Maybe it's the credit hours or something. With all the classes that I have, I am out of the dorm for most of the day and of course, in between classes I am walking the mile between each of them. If it's not school is working or these plays that I am involved in. I haven't learned one script yet and I am supposed to have one memorized by tomorrow. God, I miss Spring Break.

I am still having the time of my life with my partners in crime, Cole, Kristin, and Alec. We have hung out with those guys every day this week. I don't even know why because it has never happened before. I remember Cole coming to get me after his rehearsal one night and ever since then, we all have been hanging. They are partly the reason why I am so tired. When I stay up late, it's generally because I am with them. But we have a good time. Even though I am so tired, I am more happy now than I have my last three quarters. Why? Because I am finally with folks that.. if I just sit back and look at them, I smile. I hang with this talented group of individuals who share the same passion that I do and at the same time, have no hang ups about who you are. And this may sound strange, but I mean, just being comfortable around them and having that same respect to me. Cole will hug me in public and won't really care. Kristin will jump on any piano she sees and immediately start playing some beautiful song that she composed on her own. Alec doesn't mind telling a person what is on his mind and the guy is just open to people. All of them are. For once, I feel like I am in a group where I don't have to pretend and that feels good.

I have been showing EXP off a little. I went over my friend, Ken's house and he said it was sweet although he thinks I made a mistake in getting it. College student with expensive car does not match. I have had the chance to drive it a little, but not too much.

Unfortunately, everything isn't all good this quarter. Jennifer was released from the school because of her grades. It's sad really and I think there were two factors in all of this. First off, Jen isn't good at taking tests. She gets so worked up over them that she cannot function during them. At the same time, Jen got a little too social when she got here. It's all good to make friends and things, but when you totally forget about your school work, there is going to be a problem and there was. She is paying for that not, but I think this will help her in the end. There is a huge adjustment to college and all its freedoms and some folks are just not ready for that. Jen isn't the only one. At least she sees her mistakes. There are some people at this school who never recognize it and they are the ones who drop out. Jen plans to go to the community college her to work on her study skills along with her own priority skills. I hope she will be alright, but I have faith in the girl.

Money is becoming somewhat of an issue. Why? Car note. Not that I don't have the money to pay it. That won't be a problem. It's just that there are a lot of things that I want to do in the upcoming weeks. Anthony and I are taking a trip up to Cleveland to see Something Corporate in concert again. Seeing them was not really an option, I HAD to see them again. But as you know, with any road trip comes gas. What's cool though is that we are splitting the cost of it so the entire trip for me will be under $30. The next week, however, will be the kicker. My friend Ken and I along with some other folks, want to go to Chicago to see RENT. That means a plane ticket and money for food and rush seats ($20 each night). Also, this will mean me missing class too. This is something I really want to do, but both Ken and I are feeling the pinch. We will see how it goes.

Exile ...Exile...Exile. I finished the most difficult chapter yet and I am still going back to correct it. I have never faced something so challenging in my life. So far, the story has been like driving across the USA. It was easy for a while. I covered a lot of ground in a relatively short amount of time. But then I hit the mountains. Time wise, I am half way there. I am working a little slower since I have to get around this mountains, understand? It's hard though, to get the emotion behind what Quinton is feeling or what words he wants to say. And now, more than ever, I need to see what the reconstruction will look like. Now that Quinton is "free" I need to see what he is going to do about graduating, his relationships with his friends at Power High School and his Father. It's coming though. Chapter 16 only has a few lines, but it's there.

I was in a daze standing outside the school. Blood had been spilled all over my shirt and some on my jeans, but it didn’t bother me. I stared forward, just waiting.

Only time will tell what is to come.

*Disclaimer* There will be no April Fools jokes in this post.

I was late for work today. I woke up and had no idea I was supposed to be in, but thanks to a call from my co-worker Liberty, I was able to make it here only five minutes late.

The past few nights have been the most amazing I've had in a while. I got the opportunity to hang with some of the greatest people I know here. Monday night, I was sitting in my dorm. It was getting close to about 11:30pm I believe and I get a call. It was Cole and he was downstairs in the lobby. He told me to come down. I did and he instructed me to come with him. His friends were in town and he wanted to just hang out. I figured that I could sleep later so why not go out. When I got to Burritos Noches, a late night place to get food on campus, I saw my friend Alec and also Cole's girlfriend Kristen. Along with them were a large group of Cole friends. I have to admit they were pretty cool people. I talked to one girl who was involved in the show Pentecost last quarter. We also all sang Seasons of Love from RENT. It was a great attempt, but the only people on key were Alec, Kristen and I. Still fun. After that, Cole needed to take his friends back to South Campus so he left us with them. It was only Alec, Kristen, myself and another girl. We journeyed over to Alec's dorm so that Kristen could play the piano for us. She played a song from the musical Cole and she was writing. Let me tell you, the song was beautiful. The musical is focuses on Judas in the story of Jesus. What's sweet is that they started working on this before they heard about The Passion of The Christ. It was a great time.

And so the next day (yesterday), I am once again getting go to sleep when Cole comes by, along with Kristen and Alec. He tells me that one of the Grad students wants me to be in a scene that he has to direct for a class. I was given a number and forced to call him as soon as I got it. I did and the student, Antonio, told me what he wanted to do. He said he would come by with the script in about a half hour. It's funny because I have told everyone that I wanted to kill Antonio for the longest time and I believe Jason, my Theatre 280 teacher, told him that I did. I thought that was hilarious, but I didn't really care. He eventually came to the dorm and gave me the script. He gave me the script and some instructions. After that was over, Cole, Kristen and I headed to Steak 'n Shake. Alec had gone to a meeting, but as we were walking, he called and said he was on his way. We all sat in Steak 'n Shake just chilling. It was a great time. I do remember, after Alec went back into the restaurant to get some change and Kristen went to sit down, Cole and I were left outside. I told him that I was really glad that I knew them and it was true. These are the type of people I have been longing for since I got out of my high school. We are all going to hang today. I wonder what will occur.

School has been very difficult. I am taking 5 classes (20 credit hours) and I feel completely exhausted. I am in class most of the day and all I want is to just sleep. I am happy, however, that at least most of my classes are interesting and there is no math this quarter. I just feel sleepy all the time and with work and hanging out late, it doesn't help much. In fact, the reason I am late is just because I forgot I was supposed to work. I am in a show called Identity and I have to learn an 8 page script in less than a week. I also have a new script that I need to learn for Antonio. Cole did give me some encouraging words though. He said that I should at least try to memorize the whole thing. I got some cool people looking out for me, but I am still tired. I still need a shower. But I wouldn't trade this for anything.

So now I am in for the home stretch. The is the last quarter of my freshman year and it may prove to be my most difficult yet. I am going to 20 credit hours which will be split into 5 classes. My schedule looks almost like I should be in high school, in which I have class after class with no breaks in between. This quarter I have Music 101.02 (voice), Theatre 210 (script analysis), Anthropology 200, Jcom 200, and Classics 222 (Greek mythology). My two easy A's will be Music and Theatre. The rest will be somewhat difficult, but if I fair okay on them, it will boost my GPA.

But before we can look to the present, we must look to the past. Being home for Spring Break was everything I wanted and more. As you know, the first thing lingering in my head as my mother, grandmother, and I passed the "Welcome to Michigan" sign was if I was going to get my Explorer. As determined as I was, I was very unsure if I would be riding back alone. In fact, from all of the people telling me that I shouldn't get it, I wondered if I would chicken out myself. Almost immediately, my mother took action, which surprised me. I didn't think that it was a big deal to her. She had already called the man whom she got her last 4 cars from, Lavell, and he said that we should come to the dealership and talk. We did, one day after my mom got off from work and Lavell told me to go outside and see if they had anything I wanted. In the rain, I searched for a 1999 Black Ford Explorer XLT, but found nothing. I walked back in to report my findings and he said that he would look around for me. I told Lavell exactly what I was looking for and he wrote it down. There was one hitch. As committed as I was to the "Black", "1999", "XLT" requirements in order for me to buy the vehicle, the car dealer told me that I needed to pick some new colors because I had to be flexible. I decided on dark blue and gray as alternatives. He said he would call us back in a few days. As the weekend went by, I got a little nervous. I wondered if I should have simply said, "If it ain't black, it needs to go back" or if I should follow his advice. I mean, this man, although a car salesman, would not screw me over. I tried him to try his hardest to find what I wanted.

Monday, I received a call from my mother. She said that Lavell had called her and said that he found one. However, it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Instead of a 1999 Black Explorer XLT, it was a 2002 Black Explorer XLT. I was ecstatic. It was even better than I thought it would be. Unfortunately, my mother had to give me the monthly rate behind this monster truck. $290 a month for 60 months. Now, I was all set to pay for 60 months, but I couldn't afford over 200. My mother said she might be able to help me. Next was the really bad news. My insurance would be more than $400 a month because it was a new vehicle and also, I was going out of state with it. My mother would be paying for both of our car insurances, along with her car note and part of mine. She wasn't sure if she could handle it and I didn't want her to take on such a challenge if she was unable to. It took her only until 10pm that night to tell me that she would get it. I asked her if she were sure and she said yes. I felt bad, but at the same time stressed. This car was something I wanted to do on my own, but I was unable to. My mother helped me out yet again. Tried to get my dad to help...we know where that went.

So the next day, we went to go get the car. We were going to tried my old car in, but they only offered us a measly $1,000 for it. My mother decided that she would sell it on her own. I went out to look at my new (used) car. It was beautiful. The car was jet black with gray trim at the bottom. The back windows were tinted so dark that it seemed like midnight inside the vehicle. I was finally comfortable in my car because for once there was enough room. It rides like a dream too. Where the old Explorers felt like they were going to tip at every turn, EXP feels like it's floating on air. It looked even better in my driveway. Here are some pictures:

I think my only complaint was that the inside isn't leather. But my mother said that cloth would probably be better for me if friends would be riding in it. Everything else on the inside looks great though. My feet dirtied up the floor but here are some pictures:

I am thankful. I am thankful to God because he seriously made this happen. Before I left to go home, I put it in his hands to handle. Now, I know what you are thinking, God has to decide whether to solve world hunger or get Jeffrey an Explorer. No, it's nothing like that. I just only wanted this to happen if it was meant to happen and it seemed like it was. Things just fell into place and I am happy for that. I am thankful that my mother sacrificed a lot in order for me to get what I wanted.

My break was a great one. Being at Ohio State and especially being around Ben has really helped me strengthen my spirituality. I mean, that's one aspect Christianity, helping each other get closer to God. Ben started me by going to Bible Study and the entire experience began to make me think deeper about my own beliefs. I had to take some of my ideas and change them because I found a new understanding of them. I remember a few months, I was afraid of my own religion for personal reasons. I think everyone is sometimes. But after the past quarter, I feel so much stronger about my faith that there is no doubt in my mind of who I am and whose I am.

The one thing I was looking forward to the most was going to church. I told my mother that I missed my Pastor, Pastor Skip, so much. I just wanted to hear one of his sermons. Heh, I remember the days I would fall asleep while he spoke. But I was a child then. I am glad that I am an adult now and I can listen more closely now. When I went to church Sunday, for the first time in my life, I felt what church was. Church is supposed to be a pure, true celebration of God. It's supposed to be a party, a gathering of fellow Christians to worship. By the end of those two and a half hours, I had such an energy in my that I couldn't stop smiling. I felt the best that week that I have ever felt in my life. It take a tragedy or a loss for me to find this. It took my own search and a great guide to help me through. Ben, thanks for changing something in me. If it weren't for you, I would be more afraid now than I have ever been.

I saw someone I haven't seen in a long time. My friend Alpha. We have been talking for a while now and when I came home, we hung out a little. I have to say, the guy is a lot cooler than I remember. We played his video games and he kicked my ass royally. It felt like old times when we used to play Pokemon and battle each other. It was nice to see him again.

But as well as things have been, other things have been not so well. I have come to the realization that my friendship with Carmen is over. It's hard for me to say, but like death, it is something one has to accept. Shaking the dead does not bring them back to life and pushing someone to return to what used to be will not help it. I almost feel like the situation with Steven is happening all over again only nothing in me changed this time. I know that now more than ever, but Carmen won't take the time to see that, let alone listen to what I have to say. The final straw came one morning when she called me from her school. I could hear her friends calling me a bitch because of our breakdown during Winter break. She said nothing. I don't care how pissed at her I could be, if any of my friends ever said something about Carmen, I would correct them and they would never say it again. There was a time, not too long ago, that Carmen would do the same thing. But times have changed.

Now it's like walking alone. I thought that Carmen and I would be together for the rest of our lives. I planned on that. Not as marriage or anything like that, but just us as companions. I invested that much emotion and love for her and all that is gone now. Love... I have never loved someone like family as I did Carmen. But I am not longer a priority in her life and I am willing to accept that now. I won't ignore her. If she calls me, we can talk. It is just difficult to speak to someone, wanting them to be how they were and they aren't.

It was a long drive back to OSU, but it was a nice one. I got to be alone with my car and my music. Something Corporate accompanied me along the way. I didn't have to think about anything, but that music. Heh, listen to me. I sound like Quinton from Exile. Here ends the first entry. I leave you with a picture of my old car, Lex-2, and new one, EXP. Cheers.