It's so strange to watch things change over these short 18 years. I have seen many people come and go, rise from life and fall to death so instantly. It's always a sad time to see someone die but lately, I have been thinking about Death more than the average person and it scares me.

I have a ferret named Salem and he has been in my life since around 1996 or 1997. He has always been such a great pet and has just always been there. I wouldn't say that I mistreat him, but he is different than a dog or a cat. He is one of those animals that you can feed, give water do and forget about them and they will be just fine. It was so easy keeping a ferret that we got another one named Sonic but about a year of her staying with us, she died of natural causes. Salem, however had been fine and stayed healthy. It had been like that for a while, until recently. Salem, too, is dying. Ferrets only live to be from 8 to 10 years old and Salem is beginning to see the end of the ladder he is climbing. I am watching him go through fits of paralysis where he may not be able to move his back legs or maybe his whole body. He is slowly going away, alone.

At night, when my television is relinquished of it's duties and the only sound in my room is the whirling of my computer and the blowing from my air conditioner, I wonder about my own death. Imagine, me at 18 worrying about dying, but I do. No, I don't think about being killed early but death of old age. I am afraid of it.

Now most people who are religious say that there is nothing to fear because you know where you are going and I agree with them. But the thought of old age scares me also. Will I be alone like Salem is? Sure, he has me and my mother to keep him company but no one is in there are night when we are sleeping. When I reach that age in my life, will I have someone or will I be just like him with loving family around, but no one there at night for me to cling to when I am afraid or when I need to be held?

Death is final. I think most young people nowadays look at it like it is something that is to far away for them to worry about, and maybe they are right. But somehow, the thought of leaving this world, no matter how painful life can be, is not a welcoming thought. I compare death to throwing up sometimes. You know how you can be sick as a dog and you know that if you just throw up, everything will be okay but you know that you must undergo that pain before things get better? That's what I think it will be like. Knowing and accepting the fact that it will happen, you just have to make those steps to the toilet.

I guess my own fear is being alone. Salem had to watch his companion wither away right before his eyes. What if my spouse leaves me and I am left in this world without my love? They say that you enter this world alone and you leave it alone, so what do you do when you are afraid to be alone?