THE CLASSIC STAR WARS TRILOGY: CRAPTACULAR EDITIONS by DARTH SILLYNAME Based on the ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY and rewritten in light of the STAR WARS PREQUEL TRILOGY 2003 version Darth Sillyname, the Dynamic Villain http://www.geocities.com/dynamicvillain dynamicvillain@yahoo.co.uk ------------------------------------------------------------------------ If you've seen both the original Star Wars Trilogy and the Prequels, you may have noticed that they're nothing alike. To join these six episodes into one consistent saga certain changes had to be made... to the original trilogy of course... And that's what I've done!!! Alert yourself to prepare for the arrival of 'An Updated Hope', 'Attack Of The Snowclones', and 'The Sixth Episode'! With all new stuff, like extra redundancy; the Jedi speed-course 'How to be a Jedi in 21 easy steps'; the Beam Of Destruction; the Ray Of Despair; the Tractor Beam Of Suck; the Count Down Machine; the Super Secret Sith Transmission Tracking Trick; the Dining Room Of Destiny; the Table Of Contents; the Carbon Freezing Chamber Of Disco; the Editing Of Crap; the Wave Of Worthless Editing; the Cutscene Of DVD; the Galactic Machine Of Memory Loss; the Glowing Orb Of Unlikeliness; the Flash Of Poor Writing; the Laser Doors Of Pacing; the Bottomless Pit Of Return In The Expanded Universe; the Jedi Matrix Of Leadership; and the Expanded Universe Hell!! And now...on to the Episodes! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Every generation has a version... Every journey has a new step... Every saga has an update... A not so long time ago in a familiar and small galaxy not so far away... A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a roll up, which crawls up into infinity...and beyond... STAR WARS EPISODE IV AN UPDATED HOPE The short NON-IMAX 4D BARF-O-VISION version. After not winning a battle for the last twenty years, one cell of the Rebel Alliance has finally been victorious - sort of, because now those poor fools are about to be captured. Senator Princess Princess Leia Organa Naberrie Amidala Skywalker of Alderaan has won the plans for the second Death Star from the greedy Techno Union after betting on a POD-RACE on Malastare. Pursued by the evil mysterious former Jedi Darth Vader, Leia races to the famous planet Tatooine where she will drop off the plans somewhere in the hope they will be found by a former Jedi Knight who she doesn't even know for sure is still alive... PAN DOWN Through a vast sea of stars to reveal... A commercial for the Hyperspace subscription service on www.starwars.com. Then a rebel Blockade Runner flies over the desert planet Tatooine. It is the same vessel that we saw thundering onto the screen at the start of Episode 3 ('A Very Big Explosion'), only this time it's a model and it looks more convincing. Tatooine is the same Tatooine we saw in the previous three movies. The ship is overtaken by a Star Destroyer, of the same type we also saw thundering onto the screen at the start of Episode 3. INT. BLOCKADE RUNNER, CORRIDOR CG Imperial Clone Troopers enter the ship and shoot CG cartoon alien rebel soldiers. The soldiers are stunned and drop down unconscious. INT. BLOCKADE RUNNER, ANOTHER CORRIDOR Leia must hide the plans somewhere... LEIA Don't worry. We've got Artoo with us! Leia puts the top secret plans in R2-D2. R2-D2 rolls to an escape pod and C-3PO joins him. SEE-THREEPIO (Note by Lucas: Dialogue to be entered later, during shooting of scene). Then Leia is captured by CG Clonetroopers. EXT. SPACE, BLOCKADE RUNNER The pod flies away. It is not the only one. Thousands and thousands of CG escape pods fly away from the ship. All are blown away by the massive CG guns of the mighty Destroyer - except one, labeled 1138... INT. BLOCKADE RUNNER, YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR Leia is brought before DARTH VADER. LEIA Father...I mean Vader! Only you could be so bald...I mean bold. DARTH VADER Now Senator, at last we have you in our custody. It was your destiny!!! OFFICER Lord Vader, two droids have escaped to an area on Tatooine, close to the Jundland Wastes. One R2 unit, and one protocol droid. DARTH VADER Hmm... That is close to where the Lars family lived...and where my mother was killed. Why would Bail Organa's daughter go here? Why doesn't Leia look like Jimmy Smits at all? Why was Bail Organa's wife never pregnant? Why didn't Bail Organa ever even have a wife?! And I used to know an R2 unit and a protocol droid. Something's wrong. I sense a disturbance. OFFICER That's the beans we had for lunch, my Lord. EXT. TATOOINE, DESERT - DAY Threepio and R2 walk through the desert. SEE-THREEPIO It's so hot! Shut me down and call me gay! I wish I were CG, instead of a guy in a suit! R2 bleeps, extends his rocket-boosters, and flies away, but is then shot down by flying Geonosians! SEE-THREEPIO Oh no! Geonosians! They come from the planet Geonosis, which is located less than a parsec from Tatooine! The Geonosians suddenly vanish as the animator is incapacitated by a sun-stroke. Threepio and R2 are then captured by Jawas. JAWA Ooteenie! EXT. TATOOINE, LARS HOMESTEAD - LATER The homestead from 'Stop! Or My Clone Will Shoot!'. Owen Lars checks out some droids that are lined up by the Jawas. Luke Skywalker runs to join Owen, but trips over a gravestone. LUKE What the...! That thing wasn't here the other day! What does it say? "Here lies Shmi Skywalker. Loving wife of Cliegg Lars and the Midichlorians. Mother of Anakid Skywalker. You have failed me for the last time, foolish son. P.S. This gravestone was placed here by Owen Lars in between several short scenes. Also the grave is not very deep, because we had to hurry. Sorry 'bout that". Hmm, that explains the dried out hand sticking out from the sand... Luke gets up. LUKE Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru wants a droid that speaks Bocce. Owen checks out See-Threepio. OWEN Do you speak Bocce? SEE-THREEPIO Yes. The last time someone needed me to speak Bocce was that sweet seventeen year old girl Beru, back when I lived on a moisture farm not unlike this one, on this very same planet. OWEN Good, we haven't had a droid who speaks Bocce since our last one was stolen by Luke's father. SEE-THREEPIO Master Owen? Is that you?! OWEN Shut up. I'll have Luke erase your memory, because obviously someone forgot to do that. Owen buys Threepio and R4-P17. LUKE Uncle Owen, this R4 unit is only a head! Owen turns to the Jawa leader. OWEN Hey, what's all this then? JAWA Ooteenie! OWEN I already married a teenie! I'll just take that familiar looking R2 unit. I just hope this one is not as lazy as the last one I met. It took that no good piece of junk hours to deliver a very important message from Obi-Wan to Luke's dad! INT. MOISTURE FARM, GARAGE - LATE DAY Luke and the droids are in the garage. R2 plays part of a holographic message. LEIA (hologram) Help me, Commander Chewbacca. You're our only hope, together with General Obi-Wan Kenobi. INT. MOISTURE FARM, MAIN ROOM - EVENING Luke, Owen and Beru are having diner and blue milk. OWEN I think the milk has gone bad again. LUKE I think R2 belongs to an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Would that be the same guy as Ben Kenobi? OWEN Who is Ben Kenobi? LUKE Wasn't he in the prequels? OWEN I didn't bother to watch Episode 3, but Obi-Wan died around the same time as your father and the Star Wars saga. LUKE Speaking of my father, who was his father? My grandfather? I read on that stone that his name was 'Midichlorians'. OWEN It is too painful to discuss. LUKE I want to know. OWEN You will erase the memories of those droids, destroy that tombstone, and never talk about the prequels ever again!!! Luke runs away. BERU He has too much of his grandfather in him. OWEN We need to give him more blue milk, to flush out those little midi bastards. EXT. TATOOINE, MOISTURE FARM - TWILIGHT Luke walks out to look out into the desert, as the binary suns set, but we quickly cut away to steal some much needed screen time for CG action scenes later in the movie. EXT. TATOOINE, DESERT - THE NEXT DAY Luke and Threepio have found R2. Tusken Raiders attack them!!! LUKE Ah! TUSKEN Uncle Owen never told you what happened to your grandmother. LUKE He told me enough. He told me you kidnapped, tortured, raped, and killed her! TUSKEN No. I am your grandmother!!!! LUKE What?! The Tuskens run away laughing. LUKE What was that all about?! An old black man suddenly stands behind Luke. MACE Perhaps it was a symbolic warning from the future, instigated by the Force through the midichlorians. LUKE Who are you? MACE I am Mace Windu. LUKE So you're not Obi-Wan Kenobi? MACE No. I used to be, but my character is played by a more popular and bankable actor, so they changed all that. Come now, the Tuskens are easily distracted by lame parodies, but they will come back. I don't want you to slaughter them like animals. LUKE Why would I? MACE I don't know. To impress a girl maybe... Then Mace spots Threepio and Artoo. SEE-THREEPIO Look Artoo! It's Mace Windu, chairman of the Jedi Council! Artoo bleeps. LUKE You know these droids? MACE Nah, I simply used to be a famous person throughout the entire galaxy. It makes sense that nobody recognizes me except for some lame droid. INT. MACE'S MANSION - DAY Luke, the droids, and Mace are in the old man's luxurious CG mansion. Several Twilek babes play around the CG pool. MACE The Force is an energy field kept together by the midichlorians - microscopic life-forms that live inside our cells. The Force surrounds us and penetrates us, and sometimes it even impregnates us. LUKE Huh? MACE Your father wasn't much of a star pilot, and not a very cunning warrior either. He was certainly nobody's friend. It's a good thing he never followed anyone on some damned fool idealistic crusade! He was involved in an off-screen war, after several thousand solar systems had seceded from the Republic. Which was very mysterious, because there is only one SOLAR system in the entire universe, as opposed to countless STAR systems. It's also a mystery why they wanted to secede...that was never explained. But they were led by a Dark Lord named Count Dooku, who was a former Jedi and a political idealist and also very mysterious, because I don't know why he left the Order or what his ideals were. Anyway, at some point he turned to evil somehow and worked together with Darth Sidious, who was really Palpatine, who would become emperor, and this war happened and your father fought in it....I think. LUKE So he kind of sucked? MACE Yes, but at least he was a Jedi apprentice learner padawan. LUKE That's not what my uncle told me. MACE Your uncle barely knew your father. He never really had an opinion on what your father should have done. Oh yeah, here is a lightsaber you can pretend was your father's. A brutal weapon for some serious hacking and slashing. For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Which is strange, because the Old Republic only existed for a thousand years. LUKE Huh? MACE Your father was already good at telling Artoo to switch off the auto-pilot of a fighter, then getting hit, flying into a battle station by accident and then accidentally blowing up a reactor that was conveniently placed inside a hangar. You must also learn to do those things, if you are to go on a hero's journey. LUKE I get to go on a hero's journey - on a starship?! Yippeee!!!! MACE Uhm, no, wait. I suddenly remember that you're not the hero or main character of the saga at all. You're important - sort of - but your father Anakid is the true main character and the true hero of the saga. He is the Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force. You're just a tool. Hell, you weren't even created by the midichlorians! LUKE I'll just stay on the farm then? MACE No, you can't. The farm has been destroyed and your uncle and aunt have been killed. It's no longer considered PG, so you can't see it. LUKE What?! Oh no!! Why?! MACE I have seen it through the Force. I was fortunate that this time the Dark Side wasn't clouding my vision and limiting my abilities. But I guess that was always nonsense anyway, because the Jedi never could see everything everywhere and the future is always in motion and unclear, so...hmm... It's actually a bit the fault of the Jedi. You see, the Jedi took this vow of poverty or something, and many had these brown robes as clothes. Many farmers and poor people also had these clothes, and when the Empire started killing Jedi...well...let's just say this look has gone out of fashion... LUKE Huh? MACE Let's just play that hologram shall we? The hologram plays. LEIA (hologram) ...General Kenobi, you served my father in the clone wars. Now he needs your help. This droid carries the secret plans you first discovered twenty years ago. Help us Obi-Wan Kenobi, you and Commander Chewbacca of the Kashyyk Defense Force are our only hope! LUKE General Kenobi?! Clone Wars?! Wow!! MACE Strange girl. Must be on drugs. I never knew a General Kenobi, just a weak Jedi Master Kenobi. And he never served Bail Organa. And there never were clone warS. Just one clone war. Which reminds me, why did Yoda call it the clone war when it had only just started? Did he know it was going to happen? Did he read the screenplay early? Now let's go to Mos Eisley, a silly place filled with bad slapstick and cheap, outdated computer animations. We must be cautious not to step in any poop. EXT. SPACE, CORUSCANT - ESTABLISHING A 1 minute CG establishing shot of the CG planet. EXT. CORUSCANT, SENATE BUILDINGS - MORE ESTABLISHING A 2 minute CG establishing shot of some buildings. INT. SENATE BUILDING, HALLWAYS - EVEN MORE ESTABLISHING A 3 minute CG establishing shot of the inside of the senate building. INT. SENATE (CORUSCANT) The great CG galactic senate is in session on the CG planet Coruscant. Emperor Sith Lord Darth Palpatine Sidious (ESLDPS) stands up and speaks. ESLDPS I dissolve the senate. I don't need you guys anymore, because I'm really an evil Dark Lord of the Sith! The senators are shocked. They didn't see this one coming after twenty years of repression and murders. SENATOR ET Does this have anything to do with our support for the Rebellion? ESLDPS Yes, of course, stupid! I will sweep the last remnants of the Old Republic away. SENATOR WOOKIEE That's impossible! How will you maintain control without the bureaucracy? ESLDPS The regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of my second battle station. This one will not be so easily destroyed. One of the senators, a Gungan, stands up. JAR JAR Mesa propose da motion to taka away da emergency powers from Palpatine and vote for some thingee of no confidence. ASSEMBLY Vote now! Vote now! The emperor fires Force-lightning from his hands and kills everybody! JAR JAR Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarch!!!!! INT. SHUTTLE Darth Vader approaches the mighty Death Star in his shuttle. Vader speaks to his emperor, who appears before him as a hologram. ESLDPS The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away. DARTH VADER That's impossible! How will you maintain control without the bureaucracy? ESLDPS The regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of our battle station. INT. DEATH STAR, HANGAR Tarkin has been alerted to prepare for Vader's arrival, and greets him as he lands. DARTH VADER The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. ESLDPS has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away. TARKIN That's impossible! How will he maintain control without the bureaucracy? DARTH VADER The regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station. INT. DEATH STAR, CONFERENCE ROOM Tarkin and Vader enter a conference room where they meet several EU Officers. TARKIN The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away. EU CHARACTER That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy? TARKIN The regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station. DARTH VADER I sense redundancy. Perhaps that senate scene was too much. TARKIN It was needed to tie the PT and the OT together, my friend. DARTH VADER No, it wasn't. TARKIN Yes, it was. How else would the audience accept this movie, if it was not for the appearance of the emperor and saying everything at least twice? DARTH VADER I find you lack of faith in the intelligence of the audience disturbing. Besides, the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force, as long as the ability to use the Force is not limited by any clouds. EU CHARACTER Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort. DARTH VADER First of all, it's not a real religion. Second, what is this thing about tapes in a galaxy where everything is so high tech? Third, I don't have enough clairvoyance because the Light Side of the Force is clouding my vision...or something... EXT. TATOOINE, MOS EISLEY - DAY Luke, Mace and the droids enter Mos Eisley Spaceport. They are stopped by a bunch of CG clonetroopers and funny CG droids. CLONETROOPER Where did you get those droids? Mace activates his purple Electrum-Saber and SLASHES the CG droids! The clonetroopers run away in fear. LUKE Why didn't you kill the troopers? MACE A Jedi only slashes humanoids as a last resort. We usually just fight CG droids. INT. CANTINA (MOS EISLEY) Luke and Mace enter the Mos Eisley cantina. An alien offers Luke a Deathstick. Mace waves his hand. MACE You don't want to sell Deathsticks. ALIEN I don't want to sell Deathsticks. MACE Move along. ALIEN Moving along! The alien exits. LUKE How did you do that? MACE A Jedi can use the Mind-trick to send away drug dealers and get bargain deals on hyperdrives, as long as the alien is not immune to the Force. LUKE Perhaps you should have used that trick with those troopers, instead of slashing and hacking. MACE Hmm....use the Mind-trick to evade capture, instead of fighting a whole bunch of troops and getting killed... Too bad you weren't around at the time of the Prequels, we could have used someone as wise as you! LUKE I'm glad I wasn't there... Another alien starts to annoy Luke. Mace quickly cuts off the alien's arm! MACE Hmm, that reminds me of the time Obi-Wan cut off an arm at a bar. Strange how everything seems to be mirroring pointless events from long ago... LUKE Whoa, deja vu. Mace chats with an astronaut. MACE Have you seen Chewbacca? Big, hairy guy? ASTRONAUT Yeah, he's standing right next to me. MACE Chewbacca!! It's been a long time, old friend! Chewbacca growls and is happy to see Mace. MACE Luke, this is commander Chewbacca. We fought together during the clone war, and he did something with twins... LUKE Twins? MACE All in good time, my impatient young apprentice. Chewbacca leads them to Han Solo. MACE No! It can't be! THE Han Solo?! The one who flew into the Trench Of Doom and destroyed the Sphere Of Death twenty years ago?! HAN The same. Meat me later at the Falcon. MACE THE Millennium Falcon?! HAN I knew you were going to say that. Luke, Mace, and Chewie leave. Greedo, a CG bounty hunter, approaches Han. GREEDO It is time for you to die, Solo. HAN I don't believe in violence. I would be a bad role model if I did. Greedo shoots...and misses... HAN Violence doesn't solve anything, my friend. Here, let me buy you a drink, without alcohol of course. Perhaps you should rethink your direction in life. GREEDO Perhaps I should! INT. DOCKING BAY 1138 - DAY Han and Chewie meet Jabba the Hutt in the docking bay. JABBA It is time for you to die, Solo. HAN I've already had this conversation with Greedo, so this scene is pointless. JABBA Sorry. Han steps on Jabba's tail and 'accidentally' slaps him in the face. Everybody laughs. Jabba and his men leave. An action figure who looks like Jango Fett stops and waves at the camera. HAN It's Jango Fett! I thought he was dead! If it's not Jango, perhaps one day, years from now, we will find out his name. The boys enter the docking bay and see the Falcon. MACE At last I am reunited with my old ship! LUKE What a piece of unrealistic junk! It's not even CG! HAN It will be soon. They get in, the Falcon transforms to CG-mode and they fly away. EXT. SPACE, ALDERAAN The Death Star approaches Alderaan. INT. DEATH STAR, CONTROL ROOM Tarkin, Vader, and Leia look at Alderaan. TARKIN Tell us where your secret base is or we will destroy your planet. LEIA It wouldn't be a secret if I told you. TARKIN Oh, come on. LEIA Wait! Okay, I'll talk. Nabooty. It's on Nabooty. TARKIN That's too far away. We'll blow up Alderaan anyway. LEIA No! Alderaan is great! Nabooty is boring and stupid! Destroy Nabooty! Please!!! TARKIN Activate the Beam Of Destruction!!! A blue screen is activated. INT. ALDERAAN, CG PALACE - DAY Jimmy Smits Organa looks up as the Death Star eclipses the sun. JIMMY Activate the Ray Of Despair!!! LEGAL AIDE My Lord, is that...legal? JIMMY We must shoot first! LEGAL AIDE That would be immoral. JIMMY Aaaaaaaah! EXT. SPACE Alderaan is blown up in a CG explosion. INT. FALCON Luke is having some saber practice. MACE Well done. You are now an accomplished sword-fighter. LUKE Shouldn't I practice for at least ten years? MACE Nah. Arch! LUKE What is it? MACE It's as if millions of fans cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear the Original Editions have been destroyed. EXT. SPACE The Falcon exits hyperspace and is hit by rocks. INT. FALCON, COCKPIT Everybody is shaken, not stirred. HAN Asteroids! Alderaan is gone! MACE Asteroids again?! Do we need those suckers in almost EVERY Star Wars movie?! LUKE Look! A giant metal moon! MACE That's no moon, that's a space station. Obviously I recognize it. It is the Death Star! HAN Err...it wasn't really obvious that you recognized it... They are pulled in by the ultra-powerful Tractor Beam Of Suck. INT. DEATH STAR, TARKIN'S OFFICE Darth Vader and Tarkin are 'chilling' when Vader suddenly feels something. DARTH VADER Obi-Wan Kenobi!!! TARKIN Surely he must be dead by now. DARTH VADER What makes you think that? He's only 60 or so, and we never caught him. INT. DEATH STAR, ANOTHER CONTROL ROOM Han, Luke, Chewie, R2 and 3PO are in a control room. A giant blue screen filled with CG controls in the background. Mace is gone. Chewie growls. HAN You said it Chewie. Mace is a good friend from long ago and we have complete faith in him. LUKE Let's go rescue the princess! HAN As long as I don't get paid for it. That would be unethical. The boys leave and the droids are left behind. Soon CG clonetroopers enter. One of them bumps his head as he enters. CG CLONETROOPER I wish the Kaminoan cloners would fix this genetic defect! INT. DEATH STAR, CORRIDORS The boys walk through the corridors of the Death Star. HAN Too bad all those clonetroopers are CG, and none of their suits are real, or else we could have disguised ourselves as them. INT. DEATH STAR, DETENTION BLOCK THX3271138 The boys enter the detention block and stun the Imperial officers. No blood or explosions at all. Luke opens a celldoor. LEIA You can't be a clone, because you're white and blonde. Troopers enter and they fight. They jump into a trash compactor. After calling in the help of Threepio and Artoo, they make it out. LUKE Wow! This really is a hero's journey! That trash compactor scene was like the 'belly of the whale' part of the mythological hero's journey. We got together in a tight situation and we came out with a deeper understanding of each other and all that stuff! HAN How? Examples please. LUKE Uhm...errr....never mind. INT. DEATH STAR, ANOTHER CORRIDOR Mace Windu walks through a corridor. MACE Strange how that writing on that control panel was in a language from a galaxy not so far away. Then Darth Vader stands there! DARTH VADER At last we meet again, the circle of recurring themes, recycled bits and rip-offs is complete, Obi- hey! You're Mace Windu! MACE Long story. DARTH VADER When I left, I was but a Jedi Apprentice, now I am a Sith Apprentice. MACE Only an apprentice of evil, Darth. DARTH VADER I'm a machine, and my name is Vader! Darth is a title, stupid! Vader shoots lightning from his hands! Mace catches the lightning with his saber. They clash sabers! Vader and Mace jump and bounce around and levitate and do all kinds of silly stuff. MACE If you strike me down, I won't become more powerful than you can imagine. I'll just be a ghost or something who talks too much. Vader cuts down Mace. LUKE Noooo!!!!!!!!!!! MACE (V.O.) Run, Luke! Run! LUKE WTF! Everybody enters the Falcon. LUKE I keep thinking we forgot something. Threepio and Artoo walk in. LUKE The Death Star plans! Of course! We almost took off without Artoo! The Falcon flies away. INT. DEATH STAR, TARKIN'S OFFICE TARKIN I'm taking a big chance with this. DARTH VADER They will lead us to their base. I got the tracking device idea from my old master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who used it in a previous episode. TARKIN Lame. I bet someone will leak plans in a future episode too. DARTH VADER This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of the Original Editions and it will see the end of good taste! INT. REBEL BASE All are gathered in front of a blue screen where the plans are displayed. Many CG aliens dressed in pilot uniforms listen with interest, concern and silly faces. GENERAL RIC OLIE We fly into the trench and blow up the station with a single shot, just like we always do. LUKE Shouldn't we evacuate? Just in case? LEIA Nah. Let's just stay here and activate the mighty Count Down Machine! A guy walks up to Luke. BIGGS Hey Luke! LUKE Who are you? BIGGS I'm Biggs, your best friend from the cut scenes. At last we are reunited, at last we shall have our revenge! LUKE Go away freak. I've never seen you before. EXT. SPACE, DEATH STAR As one thousand identical CG rebel L-Wing (Left-Wing) fighters - all with the number 5 - battle one million CG Imperial TIE (This Is Exciting) fighters, Luke flies into the trench and is about to blow up the Death Star... OBI-WAN (V.O.) Use the Force, Luke! LUKE Who's that? OBI-WAN (V.O.) I'm Obi-Wan, the Jedi Master who taught your father. LUKE What happened to Mace? OBI-WAN (V.O.) He had to leave, because of conflicting schedules. Now Luke has missed his shot. He is HIT! LUKE Whoops! Luke's X-Wing flies into a hangar by accident! Finally he comes to a stop. LUKE Everything's overheated! Take that! Luke fires a torpedo which hits a reactor that was conveniently placed inside the hangar. LUKE Oops! Then Luke flies away. LUKE Now this is Pod-Racing! Luke flies out of the hangar and the Death Star blows up. OBI-WAN (V.O.) Luck will be with you, always. INT. REBEL BASE, MAIN HALL Luke and Han get their medals. CHEWIE (in Wookiee, subtitled) Star Wars is racist! I deserve a medal too!! THE END (ACTUALLY...TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE 5: ATTACK OF THE SNOW CLONES!!!) ----------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- Every generation has a failure... Every journey has a bad step... Every saga has a disaster... A short time ago in a well known and computer animated galaxy fairly close by... A picture of a bunch of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a roll up, which crawls up into infinity...which welcomes careful drivers *... * (Those who have the 'Red Dwarf' novel will recognize this clever homage - it's almost as clever as all the 'homages' in Star Wars films.) STAR WARS EPISODE V ATTACK OF THE CLONES The CRAPTACULAR Edition (including never before seen 'How to be a Jedi in 21 easy steps' training scenes!) Led by Luke Skywalker, the rebels have relocated to a place where studio space is cheaper. Meanwhile, the evil Darth Vader, obsessed with destroying every last copy of the Original Editions, has been promoted to second in command of the Empire after failing to defend the Death Star in the previous episode. Thousands of CG probe droids have been dispatched throughout the galaxy in an attempt to find the small band of real human actors and miniature models... PAN DOWN Through a vast sea of stars to reveal... The latest 'True Fan' commercial for the Hyperspace subscription service on www.starwars.com EXT. HOTH OR NOT - DAY Luke rides his CG Tauntaun and is attacked by the abominable CG Wampa. After five minutes of fighting between the mighty Tauntaun and the awesome Wampa, the giant CG snowman wins. INT. ECHO ECHO, ECHO, ECHO BASE - DAY Han and Leia are in the rebel base. HAN You need a kiss. LEIA First let me tell you about how I used to come here for school retreat. We used to lie in the snow and let the ice freeze us. HAN I hate ice. It's cold and hard and it gets everywhere. INT. WAMPA CAVE - EVENING The Wampa is eating the Tauntaun. It rips off pieces of meat and eats and burps. The mighty beast growls and does all kinds of nasty stuff. Suddenly Luke appears near the Wampa and cuts off an arm! Luke must have escaped by using the Force in a tense and dramatic moment, but we were too busy watching the monster to notice. EXT. HOTH OR NOT - EVENING Luke collapses in the snow. OBI-WAN (V.O.) Luke! You will go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who taught Dooku, who taught Qui-Gon, who taught me. LUKE Huh? Han finds Luke and saves his life. INT. ECHO ECHO, ECHO, ECHO BASE, HOSTIPAL/HOPSTIPAL/HOSPITOL (NOTE: RUN SPELL-CHECKER) - NEXT DAY Luke is in a tank filled with some kind of liquid. LUKE Yoda! Dooku! Qui-Gon! Obi-Wan! LEIA Poor guy. He is suffering from prequel-madness. INT. ECHO ECHO, ECHO, ECHO BASE, BEDROOM - DAY Luke is in bed. He is having a wet dream. LUKE Mom! No! Mom, no don't! He wakes up. The others are there too. LEIA So, you have incest fantasies too. I read somewhere that those can run in the family. Leia kisses him. HAN That's nothing. You should have seen us in that corridor, while you were freezing to death. LUKE This was nothing. You should have seen us off-screen, when it was not PG rated. EXT. SPACE The mighty Imperial CG fleet flies around through space, being evil. INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, VADER'S QUARTERS The Imperials have found the rebel base and are going to attack. GENERAL INDIANA JONES 3 They have this shield that can withstand any bombardment. DARTH VADER Land your troops beyond the shield. Use those big things on legs to attack them. Let's hope none of them topple over. GENERAL INDIANA JONES 3 Shouldn't we use fighters instead - to quickly fly underneath their shield and bomb them away? Admiral Ozzel thought - DARTH VADER No! That would be too easy! Admiral Ozzel is stupid. I shall deal with him myself. Vader activates a blue screen. Ozzel appears on it. DARTH VADER (CONT'D) You have failed me for the last time, admiral. You're an admiral, and I will slaughter you like an admiral. I hate you! It's all Obi Wan's fault! He held me back! OZZEL You're not all powerful, Vader. You're only human. DARTH VADER (crying) One day I'll be the most powerful Sith ever. I will even stop people from dying. OZZEL Could you start with me? DARTH VADER <> Okay... <> OZZEL Phew. EXT. HOTH OR NOT - DAY The CG Imperials battle the CG rebels. Three thousand CG AT AT (Awesome Things - Aren't They) Walkers attack six million CG rebel soldiers armed with bazookas and cannons. The rebels are losing. LUKE If only we had sticks and stones, we would have a chance! REBEL (V.O.) Imperial Snow Clones have entered the base! Imperial Snow Clones have - The transmission is cut off. The rebels escape. EXT. SPACE, ANOTHER ASTEROID FIELD The CG Falcon flies through a CG asteroid field. Four hundred CG TIE fighters are in pursuit. INT. TIE-FIGHTER ALPHA 1 The clone pilot opens fire at the Falcon. His identical normal growth, clone son cheers. FETT # 1138 Get him dad! Fire!!!! Yeah! Ha ha ha! INT. FALCON Han has hidden the Falcon inside an asteroid. He moves closer to Leia. HAN I hate sand. I'm a smuggler, and smugglers are encouraged to love. I like dictatorships. I have thought about you for years, and now I want to stalk you. LEIA Huh? Whatever. Let's talk about politics for a while, then we can roll around in a very forced and rehearsed way. After that I will change into something more sexy and I will reject you. HAN I wish I could wish my wishes away, but I can't. We could keep it a secret. LEIA Yes, I think it's best if we kept dialogue like that to ourselves. INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, BRIDGE Vader is angry. He walks over to Admiral Piett. DARTH VADER I want the Falcon found! I want to be the most powerful Sith ever! I want to date girls! I want a speeder with the right color! I want my mommy! PIETT This asteroid field is huge. How are we ever going to find them? DARTH VADER Wait! We can use the SSSTTT: Super Secret Sith Transmission Tracking Trick. PIETT How does that work? DARTH VADER I'm not sure. I think you have to send them a fake transmission, calling for help. Then they won't respond of course, but you can still trace their signal. PIETT How?! DARTH VADER I think it has something to do with rewriting the script and forgetting to fix everything so it all still makes sense. We may have to check the information contained on the 'Behind The Magic' CDROM to be sure. PIETT We will use all our resources to uncover this mystery of the non existent transmission, My Lord. DARTH VADER Good. It worked for the other guy. Now I shall speak to the Emperor. Perhaps he has a copy of an earlier draft of Episode 1. That may reveal important clues to solve this puzzle of prequel-writing. INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, VADER'S QUARTERS Vader speaks to the emperor, who appears as a hologram. DARTH VADER You look a bit like a monkey, my master. EMPEROR They forgot to fix it in this edition. Better luck next time. The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi. He could destroy us. DARTH VADER How? We killed thousands of Jedi knights. One boy can't do much harm. Besides, Obi-Wan can no longer help him. Of course there is still Yoda...but that little frog is an even bigger idiot than Obi! If Luke trains with Yoda, he'll be screwed! EMPEROR Can he join us? DARTH VADER I'm not sure. What about the Rule Of Two? EMPEROR The what? Never heard of it. DARTH VADER Yoda talked about it once. Apparently the Sith were defeated, but one Sith Lord survived and secretly started the Rule Of Two - without anyone knowing about him or his new rule. EMPEROR Then how could Yoda know about it? DARTH VADER Perhaps from a certain point of view... EMPEROR Oh, come on! DARTH VADER You're right! Yoda lied! The little bastard just made it up to sound interesting! I can't believe it! What a jerk! EXT. DAGOBAH - DAY Luke has crash landed on Dagobah. Artoo moves out of his droid-socket from their Left-Wing fighter, and flies safely over the water using his rocket-boosters. LUKE Strange. It's as if I know this place. It's like - YODA (O.S.) Like what? Luke twists around! LUKE Like I have seen it before...in a previous edition! I seek a great warrior. YODA War makes one great. Wars make one even greater. Star Wars made one a great businessman. Lucas! You seek Lucas! LUKE No, I'm looking for Yoda. YODA I'm Yoda. Seen the prequels or any of the previous editions, have you not? In them, I was! INT. YODA'S HOME - EVENING Luke has followed Yoda to his home. LUKE Wow! Real snakes, a real set, a real puppet! It's so...real... YODA Why become a Jedi, you want to? Stupid and lame, Jedi are. LUKE My father was a Jedi. YODA A good thing, how that was? Yoda sighs and starts talking to a wall. YODA (CONT'D) Watched this one for a long time, I have. Covered the camera he did. OBI-WAN (V.O.) What was he thinking? YODA Didn't like me watching him, I think. Anyway, too old he is to start the training! Yes, more than twenty years too old! OBI-WAN (V.O.) He'll do fine. YODA Like his father, you mean? Who was also too old and he totally messed things up! Will he finish what he has started? OBI-WAN (V.O.) As long as it's the special 'How to be a Jedi in 21 easy steps' course, sure. He scored high on the midichlorian test. He can be a Jedi. YODA Reckless he is! OBI-WAN (V.O.) So was I, if you remember. YODA Remember that, I do not. OBI-WAN (V.O.) What about the time I jumped through a window? Or when I kicked someone over an edge while I was tied to him? YODA An older master you were by then! Talking about an inexperienced young man, we are here! OBI-WAN (V.O.) You were reckless too, during lightsaber fights, if you remember. YODA Oh, yes. Okay... My apprentice, Luke Skywalker, will be. LUKE I'm not afraid. YODA Good. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hatred; hatred leads to pointless changes to the Original Editions; pointless changes to the Original Editions lead to suffering. EXT. SPACE, ASTEROID The crew of the Falcon realized that they were inside a giant space slug! They fly out, but the slug follows them! Then suddenly ANOTHER (CG) slug grabs the first slug and eats it! INT. FALCON, COCKPIT The crew relaxes. That was close! HAN There's always a bigger space slug. INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, BRIDGE A group of bounty hunters has gathered in front of Darth Vader. DARTH VADER Thank you all for being able to get here on such short notice. Just how much time has passed anyway? Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? Next thing you know someone is going to fly to another star system without a hyperdrive! ANOTHER FETT Anakid, it will be a pleasure working with you again. DARTH VADER That name has no more meaning to me, my old friend. Also no disintegrations. I know from Episode 3 that you like to do that, young Fett, but this time we are not dealing with the Jedi purge. This time, I want them alive. OFFICER Hey, that guy looks like Jango Fett, and he flies the same space ship! How unoriginal! EXT. SPACE The Falcon flies on, but another CG space slug tries to eat it! Luckily, the second space slug has followed them and kills the third slug. INT. FALCON, COCKPIT The crew relaxes once again. HAN There's always a third monster in the new episodes. Han pushes the hyperspace lever. Nothing happens. LEIA The hyperdrive is leaking. Perhaps we should land on a desert planet, find a junk dealer who has a perfect rare hyperdrive in his backyard, bet on a pod-race, win, and fly away. HAN I have a better idea. We will attach ourselves to the back of a Star Destroyer. Nobody will see us, unless someone flies behind it and looks our way. I learned this trick from some bounty hunter who was fooled by it near Geonosis, by a Jedi Knight. It can't fail! EXT. DAGOBAH - DAY Luke receives the special 'How to be a Jedi in 21 easy steps' training course from Yoda. Yoda holds a device. Images of stuff flash on the screen. Luke can't see it. YODA Displayed on my little screen what is? LUKE How should I know?! YODA Not good, this is. Failed the first test, you have. Skip this and go to lesson number two, we will. How feel you? LUKE Hot and sweaty. YODA Not cold? LUKE No, it's the swamp climate. YODA Very good, very good. Miss your mother, you do? LUKE No, I never even knew her. YODA Excellent! Step three passed, you have. Now, fly through narrow canyon and avoid obstacles you must. LUKE I already did that in the previous episode! YODA Oh, okay. Skip lesson number four, we shall then. Number five: still much to learn about the Living Force, you have. LUKE What do you mean? YODA Pick up pathetic life-form you must. Luke looks around, then picks up a snake. YODA (CONT'D) Well done! Yoda activates a holographic map, displaying a bunch of stars. YODA (CONT'D) Look here for lesson number six. Star reacts to pull of gravity, but planet is missing. Where is planet? LUKE Where it should be, to be able to affect the star with its gravitational pull? YODA Very good! Truly remarkable, the mind of a twenty something year old is! Not even experienced Jedi masters could figure this out! LUKE I'm starting to understand why all the Jedi got wiped out... Yoda presses the delete button by accident and the star-map disappears! YODA Gone it is! LUKE Only a Jedi could have erased those files, but who? YODA Dangerous and disturbing this mystery is. Meditate on this, I will. First however, you shall receive the seventh lesson: You must unlearn what you have learned. LUKE oiyuaaetiukl, jbkufos osfjosu ooyr. YODA What? LUKE I'm unlearning to speak. YODA No, no, no! I mean you must unlearn what you have learned from the previous editions! LUKE Including the prequels? YODA No! The new canon, the prequels are! LUKE Master Yoda, why are the prequels so inconsistent? They are like the Expanded Universe. YODA Inconsistent only until next version of Original Editions, my very young apprentice... LUKE Must I also unlearn what Obi-Wan taught me? YODA Obi-Wan trained you?! Damn! Worse than I thought, it is! Yes, yes! Unlearn everything he taught you! An idiot he was! The prequels! Remember the failure of the prequels! LUKE I thought they were a success. YODA Financially, not artistically. Think funny, you are? If practiced your saber skills as much as your wit you did, rival me as a swordsman, you would! LUKE You fight with a lightsaber?! That must look stupid. YODA Watch and learn. Lesson eight. YAAAAH!!!! Yoda jumps up, flip flops, twirls, bounces around trees and swings his little saber! LUKE I was right. That looked stupid. YODA Silliness, fear, anger, hatred, circumstance, bad dialogue, impatience, weak editing, lack of drama...quick to join you in a fight they are. Lesson number nine, that was. LUKE Is the Dark Side stronger? YODA Yes, Lucas said so on the Episode 2 DVD. Lesson number ten, covered we have. LUKE It's going fast! YODA Lesson number eleven, time for it has come. Go into that cave you must. A domain of evil it is. LUKE Lucasfilm Licensing is located there? YODA No, it is a place strong with the Dark Side. LUKE Was the mystery of this cave ever explained? YODA No, too busy explaining history of Boba Fett, we were. Luke is about to enter the cave. He leaves his saber behind. YODA (CONT'D) Your saber, take it with you everywhere, you must. Your life, this weapon is. Lesson twelve, forget you must not. LUKE Sorry master. I try. YODA No! Do or do not, there is no try! Try not to forget it next time. Lesson number thirteen, already completed we have now. Luke enters the cave to do lesson number eleven. INT. CAVE OF EXPANDED UNIVERSE Luke encounters a figure! A tired old man... LUKE Who are you? DOOKU I am Count Dooku. LUKE Who?! DOOKU Everybody asks that question. I should have been in Episode 1, but I wasn't. I was in a few scenes in Episode 2, but the scenes where my background and my original motives were explained got cut. In Episode 3 I was killed off early in the movie. I was forgotten, and now I roam here in the Expanded Universe Hell...where all characters end up sooner or later. Oh, by the way, Qui-Gon Jinn was once my apprentice. LUKE So? DOOKU Qui-Gon Jinn trained Obi-Wan, who trained you. And Yoda trained me, and now you. So we have a history, Luke. LUKE No we don't. Dooku starts crying. DOOKU (crying) I know! I just like to pretend I am somehow connected to important characters who do have a history! Luke exits the cave, confused. EXT. DAGOBAH - EVENING Luke joins Yoda. YODA Time for lesson number fourteen. Easy this one will be. Stand on one finger, balance me on your foot, levitate boxes and droid, and look into the future you must. Luke does so. LUKE Han, Leia! Luke and Yoda and Artoo fall down. YODA It was the future you have seen. LUKE Will they die? YODA Difficult to see. Always in motion, the future is. Either that, or the Dark Side clouds our vision and limits our ability to use the Force. Pick one. Lesson number fifteen, a challenging one it is. LUKE An inconsistency test! Interesting. I'll pick the one where the future is always in motion. That's cool and deep, because it implies that you control your own destiny. YODA Wrong! To be a Jedi is to be lame and stupid! Deep and meaningful are the ways of the outdated editions! LUKE It seems so weak. I always thought we were luminous beings who where spiritual and stuff like that. YODA Crude matter we are, with microscopic life-forms living inside our cells. The will of the Force they tell us. Test person with communicators and standard equipment on starships you can. This lesson number sixteen may come in handy one day. Then Luke's Left-Wing fighter sinks into the swamp. YODA (CONT'D) Use the Force. Feel the midichlorians inside you and pull out your ship. Lesson seventeen, we have reached. Luke fails. Yoda then concentrates and the L-Wing is CG levitated onto the shore. LUKE I don't believe it. YODA Why not? Already levitated a heavy object in Episode 2, I did. You must let go and believe whatever it is you are shown in prequels. Lesson number eighteen - a difficult one this is for certain. LUKE I have to go and help my friends. YODA Lesson number nineteen: sometimes you must sacrifice your friends for the greater good. LUKE Is this something you learned at the time of the prequels? YODA No. From Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Kahn. 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few'. LUKE I'm outta here! OBI-WAN Luke, be careful! I can't help you. LUKE Then what's the point of all this ghost stuff?! YODA There is no point. Lesson number twenty, that was. Only one more to go, we have! LUKE I will come back and complete my training. I promise. YODA Remember, lessons one to twenty were part of free extended limited time offer trial period preview. For last step you must join Hyperspace paid subscription service on official website! LUKE I'll remember. Luke flies away. OBI-WAN That boy was our only hope. YODA No. I cloned another. EXT. BESPIN, CG CLOUD CITY - EVENING The Falcon lands in CG Cloud City, after traveling from one star system to another without a hyperdrive. Han, Leia and Chewie are now hundreds of years old, but the special powers of the magical planet Bespin make them instantly young again. They meet Lando Calrissian. LEIA Look! A black man! The first we encountered in this galaxy! LANDO Most of us got wiped out during the clone wars. HAN You mean clone war, not wars. LANDO Shut up and lets have diner. INT. CG CLOUD CITY, DINING ROOM OF DESTINY - EVENING Han, Leia, Chewie and Lando enter the Dining Room Of Destiny, where DARTH VADER and ANOTHER FETT sit at the Table Of Contents! Han shoots at Vader, who deflects the bolts with his blaster proof glove! HAN I thought he used the Dark Side of the Force. LEIA No, it must have been a personal force-field. DARTH VADER I would be honored if you would join me on my Star Wars messageboard to discuss this fascinating mystery. INT. CG CLOUD CITY, CARBON FREEZING CHAMBER OF DISCO - NIGHT Han is about to be frozen in carbonite. Chewie gets angry and starts fighting the CG clonetroopers! Another Fett is about to shoot Chewie, but Vader stops him! DARTH VADER Don't shoot! Chewbacca is an old friend. Plus he carries See Threepio, who is my son. They were my friends, and I still care about them deeply. HAN Don't be afraid. LEIA I'm not, but you should be! I've been dying a little bit each day since you came into my life, but at least I'm not the one who is about to be frozen alive. HAN That's cold. LEIA I truly, deeply love you, and before you die I want you to know. HAN Geez, you really know how to make me feel better... Han is frozen and the others are led away. Luke arrives and faces Vader. DARTH VADER You are strong with the midichlorians, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet. They FIGHT! Luke takes a deep breath... LUKE Jango Fett didn't shoot the Kaminoan Saberdart on purpose to lead the Jedi to Kamino. He made a mistake, like bad guys in movies always do! Obi-Wan simply happened to know someone who happened to recognize the weapon. Despite what Sidious said about everything going as planned, this was not the case. It was just a throw-away 'bad guy' line. You see, the original plan was to get the Confederacy droid army ready and spread out all over the Galaxy. The Republic and the Jedi would have been overwhelmed and the Senate would surely agree with the creation of an army, which it was going to vote for soon anyway - but against which there was some opposition. Also the senate would have surely given Chancellor Palpatine emergency powers to deal with the crisis. Once the creation of an army would have been approved, someone would have 'discovered' the clone army on Kamino, or maybe the Kaminoans would have contacted the Republic themselves, since the first batch of clones was ready and they wanted to get paid. It doesn't really matter. Now Obi-Wan almost ruined the plans and he got the war started too early, before the droid army was fully ready and transported away. Dooku quickly responded and made sure droids were waiting for the Jedi, but still factories and transports were destroyed. But in the end the war got started anyway and Palpatine got his emergency powers, and so the important parts of the plan were a success anyway. So the bad guys were happy in the end! All you have to do is follow the movie and pay attention to what is said and done and most of it makes sense...sort of... DARTH VADER Impressive. Most impressive indeed! You understand the plot of Episode 2, and you don't feel the need to make stuff up to make it all even more complicated and unlikely than it already is. LUKE You will find I am full of surprises. Luke sticks out his arm. Vader chops it off. LUKE (CONT'D) Aaarch! DARTH VADER As you can see, my Jedi powers are far beyond yours. LUKE You mean Force powers? DARTH VADER Stop nitpicking. By the way, Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. LUKE No, he didn't. He was replaced by Mace Windu for marketing reasons. DARTH VADER I am your father!!!! LUKE Oh, yes. I knew that. That was already made clear in the promotion for Episode 1. Then Yoda walks in. Vader forgets about Luke completely. DARTH VADER Master Yoda. You have interfered with our plans for the last time. YODA Previous time, when was? DARTH VADER I was just talking cool. The Dark Side has made me much cooler, even cooler than you, master Yoda. YODA That's true. You used to be such an annoying jerk. Vader and Yoda fight! YODA (CONT'D) Yaaah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Grrrr!! Yoda once again bounces and flips and twirls. During the fight Luke mysteriously changes positions without actually moving, all thanks to the awesome power of The Editing Of Crap! Then the fight just stops. YODA (CONT'D) Fought well you have, my old Padawan. DARTH VADER I was never your Padawan. YODA Never mind. Say that to everyone after a fight I do, for no good reason. Vader uses the Force to make a generator fall down on Luke, and escapes. Yoda uses the Force to prevent the generator from crushing Luke. YODA (CONT'D) Grrr! Been through this lesson, we have already! Charge extra for this, I will! Leia runs in. LEIA Luke! Leia embraces an exhausted Luke. YODA Hope nothing is going on between the two of you, I do. Slightly disturbing, that would be... EXT. CG CLOUD CITY, LANDING PLATFORM - NIGHT Vader approaches an officer. DARTH VADER I sense a recycling from an earlier parody. I must be cautious. Now alert my shuttle to prepare for my arrival. OFFICER huh? DARTH VADER (sighs) Bring my shuttle... OFFICER With pleasure, My Lord! Vader walks to his shuttle. DARTH VADER Alert my star destroyer to prepare for my arrival. EXT. SPACE Vader flies to his alerted and prepared star destroyer in his shuttle. DARTH VADER Alert the star destroyer's hangar to prepare for my arrival. INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, HANGAR Vader lands in the hangar and exits the shuttle, then inspects the recycled troops that have lined up for him to celebrate his return, after they had been alerted to prepare for his arrival. After the ceremony, Vader addresses an officer. DARTH VADER Alert the turbolift to prepare for my arrival. INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, TURBOLIFT Vader enters the alerted turbolift. Vader rides the turbolift. DARTH VADER Alert the bridge to prepare for my arrival. INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, BRIDGE Vader exits the elevator and walks onto the alerted bridge. He spots admiral Piett at the other side of the bridge. He turns to an officer. DARTH VADER Alert admiral Piett to prepare for my arrival. The officer runs to the admiral and alerts Piett to prepare for Vader's arrival. Vader approaches the alerted admiral. PIETT I've alerted our tractor beam crew to prepare for the Millenium Falcon's arrival, My Lord. DARTH VADER Did your men cause the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon to leak? PIETT Yes, My Lord. DARTH VADER Good. Alert the boarding party to prepare for the arrival of the Millennium Falcon. EXT. SPACE The Falcon, with our friends on board, speeds away from the alerted Super Duper Star Destroyer. INT. FALCON Luke lies on a bunk. LUKE Lucas... Lucas, why are you charging for worthless, weak spoilers on your website?! Artoo manages to plug the leaking hyperdrive and they fly away to safety. INT. FRIGATE Luke has just finished making himself a new hand. Leia brings him some blue milk. LUKE My hand broke... I was always good at fixing things... Everything seems so much simpler when you don't think about the Prequels. Why did she have to die?! I know I could have prevented it! I know I could have!! LEIA Luke, what's wrong? LUKE The original edition of this movie...it's destroyed! She was so great, and now she is gone... LEIA (CONT'D) Luke, there are some things no one can fix. LUKE If it aint broke, don't fix it. Try telling that to Lucas! Luke and Leia move to a window and look outside. Threepio and Artoo also stand there. SEE-THREEPIO Strange. This reminds me of the time Anakid and Padmé got married. We stood somewhat like this back then. It seems like such pointless recycling. I hope we have seen the last of that. Artoo bleeps his agreement. LANDO (V.O.) We will see you guys on Tatooine, where we will see Jabba again, and of course also that bounty hunter. And let's not forget about the new Death Star that's being built. SEE-THREEPIO I have a bad feeling about this! THE END (ACTUALLY...TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE 6: THE SIXTH EPISODE!!!) ---------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- Every generation has a rewrite... Every journey has to be redone... Every saga has another point of view... During a well known period in time in a galaxy we know all too well by now... A vast ocean of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a roll up, which crawls up into infinity...then plummets down again... STAR WARS EPISODE VI THE SIXTH EPISODE MUSICALLY ENHANCED EDITION Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine, a planet we know all too well by now. There he will attempt to free Han Solo from the clutches of Jabba the Hutt, a villain we know all too well by now. Little does Luke know that the Empire is constructing a new Death Star, a battle station we know all too well by now... PAN DOWN Through the vast ocean of stars to reveal... An announcement in which the immediate discontinuation of the Hyper$pace paid subscription service on www.starwars.com is announced. Money will not be refunded. All material previously available on HyperSpace can now be accessed for free. All former members of HyperSpace will receive a free coupon for a -1% discount on the Episode 1 Deluxe Jar Jar bubble-gum set. EXT. SPACE A Star Destroyer approaches the Death Star. A shuttle flies away from it. So far so good... INT. DEATH STAR, CONTROL ROOM An officer sees the shuttle landing. OFFICER Alert the commander to prepare for Lord Vader's arrival. INT. DEATH STAR, HANGAR The shuttle lands. Darth Vader gets out and inspects the alerted and prepared troops. DARTH VADER Strange. I get the feeling I've seen this before...in the updated previous episode... COMMANDER We are working as fast as we can. If only it was digital, instead of an old fashioned matte painting... DARTH VADER By now you should know how to build a Death Star! Perhaps you should explain it to the Emperor himself when he arrives. COMMANDER The Emperor is coming here?! DARTH VADER Didn't I just say that? Pay attention, stupid! EXT. TATOOINE, JABBA'S PALACE - DAY Threepio and Artoo arrive at Jabba the Hutt's palace. SEE-THREEPIO The stories I heard about Jabba... Artoo bleeps. SEE-THREEPIO (CONT'D) Well, for starters, he once bit off the head of a Tatooinian chicken just to start a pod-race! And then he fell asleep! INT. JABBA'S PALACE Artoo plays Luke's holographic message before Jabba. LUKE (hologram) I give you these droids. They know this planet all too well by now. JABBA (Huttees, subtitled) Hohoho! Solo shall remain mine! SEE-THREEPIO Look Artoo, captain Solo is still frozen in carbonite!!! Indeed, captain Solo is still frozen in carbonite!!! INT. JABBA'S PALACE, DROID DUNGEON Artoo and Threepio are led to the droid dungeon, where droids are tortured! Is this where I send my computer to? DROID You can be a translator. SEE-THREEPIO Can't I just get my head cut off and have it placed on another droid? That was so much fun! I made funny gay jokes. DROID Those were not funny! This little one can work on the sailbarge. The plot may require him there later. INT. JABBA'S PALACE - EVENING 15 minutes of a CG musical sequence later a bounty hunter enters together with Chewbacca! Another Fett is on full alert! BOUNTY HUNTER Yoto yoto yoto. SEE-THREEPIO He wants more money! JABBA (Huttees, subtitled) Hohoho! Why are you translating it to English? Speak Huttees to me, you idiot! He won't get more money! Threepio turns to the Bounty Hunter. SEE-THREEPIO Jabba won't give you more money. BOUNTY HUNTER (in Yoto) Speak Yoto to me, you idiot! The palace is in turmoil. They will need to endlessly debate this alarming chain of events in a conference room! Lando is there too, disguised as...Lando...with a helmet. Now Luke also arrives. Jabba excuses himself to the other guests and they retire to the conference room... INT. JABBA'S PALACE, CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT Luke, the mysterious bounty hunter, the disguised Lando, Threepio, Chewie, the frozen Han, Jabba, his friend Bib Fortuna, Another Fett, and several serious looking extras sit and stand around the obligatory Conference Room Scene. LUKE I think the best thing to do is to barter for Han Solo's freedom. Perhaps we have something to trade. Leia's wardrobe perhaps... These crime lords must have some sort of weakness... BIB FORTUNA Talk, no fight? He's no Jedi! JABBA (Huttees, subtitled) Hohoho! I do not believe it will come to a fight. Skywalker is a political idealist, not a murderer. LUKE Try me. ANOTHER FETT Do you believe it will come to a fight, Master Jedi? BOUNTY HUNTER Oh, Luke is not a Jedi Master, he is only an apprentice. I was thinking we could bet on a pod race. Say...our lives against our freedom and Han Solo. JABBA (Huttees, subtitled) Deal! LANDO Luke, you look so anxious. What's wrong? LUKE I was thinking...when are we going to get to the important exposition stuff, instead of just talking crap? BOUNTY HUNTER GET DOWN!!!! WOOOSH!!!! LANDO What was that?! LUKE A Wave Of Worthless Editing!! The important exposition has been swept away by the awesome Cutscene Of DVD! JABBA Hohoho! Bo Shuda! Another Fett suddenly takes the helmet off of the mysterious Bounty Hunter's head! It's LEIA!!!! JABBA (CONT'D) (Huttees, subtitled) Hohoho! You thought you could fool me with that disguise? I did my homework and watched the Prequels. I know all about the worthless disguises of your mother! Now you shall die!! The CG Rancor attacks!! The mighty beast rips the clothes off Leia - exposing lots of skin! LEIA Aaarch!!! That was stupid! Leia is now only dressed in a metal bikini! LEIA (CONT'D) At last I have revealed my skin to the fanboys, at last they will have their climax. Jabba seems to have the upper hand, but then he loses the bet on the pod-race... JABBA (Huttees, subtitled) Hohoho! It's not fair. Somehow you knew you were going to win. LUKE You want to discuss this with Governor Watto in an official hearing of the Courts? JABBA (Huttees, subtitled) Hohoho! You win. Leia presses a button on Han Solo's freeze-coffin thing. The famous smuggler starts to come back to life. Han falls, and hits the jetpack of Another Fett! ANOTHER FETT Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Another Fett flies away out of control. HAN Hey, that was the guy who looked like Jango Fett. Chewie growls. HAN (CONT'D) Boba Fett? That was Boba Fett?! That little, worthless, pointless kid who hung around Jango Fett in Episode 2 without doing anything remotely interesting? Wow! I'm glad I killed him in such a lame way. He deserved it! INT. DEATH STAR The emperor has arrived on board the Death Star. DARTH VADER The Death Star will be completed in time. We recycled some bits from the previous ones. EMPEROR Good. That always seems to work for Lucas as well. And now I sense you want to continue your search for young Skywalker. DARTH VADER Actually, I was thinking about searching on the Internet for those topless beach pictures of Natalie Portman. EMPEROR You will find those easy to locate, my friend. They're everywhere. Also check out the clip of her supposed nipple-slip on the Letterman show, and those pictures of Natalie's bottom sticking out of her jeans. They will come to you, then you will bring them to me. DARTH VADER The pictures will come to me?! EMPEROR Didn't I just say that? Pay attention, stupid! As long as you click the download button, it will work. All will proceed as I have foreseen, except for the changes made in the latest version of this movie. INT. YODA'S HOME (DAGOBAH) Luke is visiting Yoda on Dagobah. YODA So bad I look through young eyes? LUKE I think it's just the puppet and how it's operated. YODA Twilight will soon be upon me. Replaced by computer animation, I will be... LUKE But my training is not yet complete. I still have one more lesson to go. * * (See Episode 5, Attack Of The SnowClones, for the 20 previous lessons.) YODA Guidance you need not, Luke. Once learn to trust feelings, you do, the most powerful Jedi you will be. Even more powerful than me. Difficult, that will be not, when gone am I. LUKE So I am a Jedi! YODA No, no! Decades of serious training and meditation you need for that! Not some silly speed course. LUKE What?! YODA Oh, whatever! Vader! You must confront Vader. Only then a Jedi will you be, if means so much to you it does. After all, already made up Rule Of Two nonsense did I, and came up with name of war for no good reason. Calling you a Jedi, add to that I can. LUKE Huh? How did all the other Jedi apprentices become Knights? I'm sure there wasn't always a Dark Lord available. YODA Question me, you must not. Right I am always, except when wrong I am. LUKE Is Vader my father? YODA Yes. Vader means father in Dutch, so... LUKE That's just a coincidence. YODA Oh, okay. Your father he is anyway. Unfortunate that he told you, and that Lucasfilm marketing department used it to promote prequels. Gone, that surprise was. Luke, when gone am I, the last of the Jedi will you be. Do not pass on what you have learned. Suck, the Jedi did. There is another S.... S....S.... LUKE Sith? Sailbarge? Sandcrawler? Stormtrooper? Sy Snootles? Song and dance number? Saber? Sarlacc? Slave girl? Star Destroyer? Shuttle? Slut? Come on! Give me a hint! Yoda is tired of this crap and dies. Luke goes outside. EXT. DAGOBAH - NIGHT Luke is sad. Obi-Wan the Annoying Ghost is there too. OBI-WAN Yoda will always be with you. LUKE Perhaps I can fit him in the cargo compartment of my Left-Wing. OBI-WAN What Mace Windu told you about the Prequels was true, from a certain point of view. LUKE What happened? OBI-WAN Just watch the Prequels and especially Episode 3. Everything is revealed in Episode 3. In pointless detail, so no surprises are left at all for the Original Trilogy. LUKE I'd rather not. OBI-WAN I don't blame you for not wanting to watch the Prequels. It wouldn't be the first time someone got depressed watching those episodes. You see, what happened to your father was not really my fault. When I first met your father, he was already a decent Pod-race pilot, but I was amazed at how high his midichlorian count was. My master Qui-Gon Jinn, not Yoda, believed that Anakiddie was the Chosen One who could bring Balance to the Force. What was he thinking?! Plenty of people can fly fast through narrow canyons and avoid obstacles; plenty of people have luck when they are in a dangerous situation; And how could Qui-Gon ever believe that nonsense about how Anakid was created by midichlorians?! That worthless cheap slave Shmi obviously lied to him. Her slave master probably just loaned her out to some space pirate who got her knocked up! Anyway, before he died, that fake nosed Qui-Gon begged me to train Anakiddie. Amazingly the Jedi Council agreed! What were those old farts thinking?! They said I wasn't ready for the trials yet, then I killed some Sith who forgot to move and suddenly they believed I was ready to not only be a Knight but also a Master?! Why didn't they let some experienced Jedi Master train Anakiddie?! I never thought I could instruct him as well as Yoda, but Yoda and Mace told me I did well. LUKE I'm glad you have no reason to feel guilty. OBI-WAN Oh, never mind! Anakid thought about some silly uptight girl for the next ten years, and when he finally met her again he went insane. He killed a bunch of women and children and complained a lot. He was seduced by this young woman and got married and then that dominated his destiny for the rest of his life, like with all married men. LUKE I'll stay single then. OBI-WAN Do not underestimate the Expanded Universe, Luke! It's even crazier than the prequels and see what we encountered in those: Boba Fett, who was Jango Fett's son; See Threepio, who was Anakiddie's son and who lived with the Lars family for many years; Artoo-Detoo, who also hung out with Anakid and me; Captain Typho, who was Captain Panaka's nephew according to the official website; Jabba and Bib Fortuna; Chewbacca; Mon Mothma, and I was of course trained by Qui-Gon, who was trained by Dooku, who was trained by Yoda... and there is much more. LUKE Wow. What a small galaxy. OBI-WAN When the clone war was nearing its end, we all realized that the two trilogies were nothing alike and could not be linked together. So we all lined up in front of the Galactic Machine Of Memory Loss, so that our memories could be erased and we wouldn't have to live with all that Prequel nonsense in our heads. Anakid was first in line....and disaster struck! A power-coupling exploded and Anakid was hit. From then on he needed his cybernetic Techno Union suit to live. The rest of us were forced to remember everything and accept the inconsistencies. We decided it was best to destroy the Prequels in order to save the universe from bad taste, but the Emperor took over and decided to destroy and replace the Original Editions instead. And we've been fighting him ever since... LUKE Okay... Yoda spoke of another. Starting with an 'S'. OBI-WAN That must be See-Threepio. He is your half-brother, because he was created by your father, from a certain point of view. LUKE I'm not so sure... OBI-WAN Perhaps he meant Shewbacca. He is your uncle, from a certain point of view. He delivered you to uncle Owen, who was a half-brother of Anakid, and also my real brother, from a certain point of view. LUKE Err... OBI-WAN Then of course we have the clonetroopers and Boba Fett. You see, Jango Fett was used as the clone template for the troopers and he had Boba Fett created as his identical, normal growth, clone son. Interesting, isn't it? LUKE Not really, no. OBI-WAN Actually, it is, because you are a clone too, Luke! Your father and your mother both lost the ability to produce children after they had performed fake jumps onto some CG animal - crotch first! Very nasty. That's why we cloned you. LUKE I'm a clone?! OBI-WAN Oh wait! Now I know! The 'S' stands for slut. You have a twin-clone sister. LUKE Leia! Leia is my clone sister! OBI-WAN Bury your feelings deep, Luke. There's nothing wrong with adult siblings getting freaky together as long as they don't tell anybody. LUKE Yoda said I must confront Vader... OBI-WAN Vader humbled you when you first met, but you held firm. That experience was part of your training and now you are stronger. LUKE The twenty-first lesson of the Jedi speed-course! OBI-WAN Your insight serves you well. That was the hidden lesson Yoda could not teach you from a book. LUKE I can't kill my own father. OBI-WAN To be a Jedi you must confront and go beyond the Dark Side, the part your father couldn't get through, even though he was a Jedi Knight in Episode 3 and no longer an apprentice. And even if you make it through, you can still be seduced by the Dark Side. Just look at what happened to Dooku! And he even used to be Yoda's padawan! LUKE So what happened to Dooku? OBI-WAN Something....somehow...at some point....in a galaxy of assumptions and cut-scenes and Expanded Universe stories far, far away. Anyway, you must face Vader again!!!! LUKE Oh, okay. If it makes everybody shut up... EXT. SPACE The crappy CG Rebel fleet flies around, being good. Several CG N-1 Nabooty fighters patrol the area. INT. REBEL CRUISER, CONFERENCE ROOM The rebels are gathered in a conference room. ANOTHER EU CHARACTER We have stolen the plans for the new Death Star. We can fly in and destroy it with a single shot, like we always do. HAN Are you sure the plans were not leaked, like the last time, when they let us escape with the plans and then they attacked us? ANOTHER EU CHARACTER Uhm... HAN Can't we do something original for a change? How about setting up some factories to make millions of Battle Droids, and then using them to attack the Empire? ANOTHER EU CHARACTER Nah... Listen; here is something original: The Death Star is protected by a shield. A ground force will need to take that out first. HAN You mean like when we had a shield on Hoth Or Not, and the Empire had to take that out with ground forces? ANOTHER EU CHARACTER Err... LEIA I wonder what idiot they found to do that. ANOTHER EU CHARACTER General Solo, are you ready? LEIA General?! Who did they demote to make you a general so fast? ANOTHER EU CHARACTER Private Leia, you can go with General Solo as a foot-soldier. LEIA What?! LUKE I'll come too. Somehow everybody thinks the meeting is over. They all start walking away. ANOTHER EU CHARACTER Hey, come back! I haven't finished! EXT. SPACE, DEATH STAR & ENDOR A stolen Imperial shuttle with our friends in it approaches the Death Star and Endor. INT. SHUTTLE Chewie growls. HAN Yes, Chewie. It's a good thing you flew one of these shuttles more than twenty years ago at the end of the clone war. LUKE So once we get through the shield, we fly straight at the shield generator dish and fly into it and set off the nuclear bomb in our cargo compartment. HAN Uhm, no. LUKE Oh, okay. We'll fly straight at it and launch our secret missiles at it! HAN Uhm, no. LUKE Oh, wait! We fly straight at it, land safely - because we're in one of their shuttles - , then have our commandos run out and take over the base and shut down the reactor! HAN Uhm, no. LUKE So...we're going to land far away from the base, hope nobody will wonder what happened to that shuttle, hope we don't encounter any troops that could sound alarm, hope we somehow can get into the base unseen, and hope that we can somehow take out that generator. HAN Yep. LUKE I should not have come along. HAN Because you put the mission in danger, since Vader can sense your presence? LUKE No, because this mission is stupid. They get permission to fly on. EXT. ENDOR, FOREST - DAY Our friends have safely landed, but got split up after a speeder-bike race! Leia is missing! What happened to her? LUKE We should go look for her. It's a good thing the locals only eat men, and not women, or else she could be in trouble. The boys are promptly captured by the locals. They look like CG teddybears! The little animals jump all over the place, like only CG teddybears can! HAN Who are they?! SEE-THREEPIO Ewoks! They strive for a franchise of their own! We must be cautious! LUKE Threepio, tell them we are friends! Tell them they can have their own movies and cartoon. Tell them they can license teddy bears! That's marketing brilliance! Putting your own logo on teddy bears! Genius! Then the Ewoks start chanting. SEE-THREEPIO They think I'm some sort of god. I guess they're right. After all, The Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force, who was created by the Force and the midichlorians, was the one who created me! EXT. ENDOR, MORE FOREST - DAY Meanwhile, in another part of the forest... Leia wakes up after a nasty fall. An Ewok is poking her with a stick. Leia instantly reacts and SHOOTS the little bastard! LEIA I always wanted to do that! INT. DEATH STAR Darth Vader meets with the Emperor. VADER My son is with those rebels on Endor. EMPEROR See-Threepio? VADER No, the other one. EMPEROR Funny that I didn't sense it. Perhaps the Light Side of the Force is limiting my abilities... INT. EWOK HUT (ENDOR) - NIGHT After several trials and tribulations, our friends have made friends with the Ewoks, so now the Ewoks are our friends too... See-Threepio explains to the little bears just what all happened before. SEE-THREEPIO Just watch the entire saga, you lazy bastards! After a profit sharing deal, the Ewoks agree to help our friends! EXT. EWOK VILLAGE - NIGHT Leia finds Luke outside. LEIA Luke, what's wrong? LUKE I just can't stand those little Ewoks. I hate them! They're animals and I want to slaughter them like animals! LEIA This reminds me of a story my mother told me. LUKE What do you remember of your mother? Your real mother? Before she died. LEIA Mother isn't dead! She lives with grandpa and grandma on Nabooty! I was taken away from her after she was diagnosed with Prequel-Madness. LUKE Prequel-Madness? LEIA That's when you lose a lot of intelligence, common sense, and ethics, and start doing all kinds of stupid things, like falling in love with mass murderers and stuff like that. LUKE The Force is strong in my family, Leia. It's in me, my father...and my sister! LEIA No! LUKE Yes, Leia. It's true. LEIA The girl on Hoth Or Noth, who operated the Ion-Cannon! She's your sister?! LUKE Uhm, no. You are my clone-twin sister. LEIA I always knew that. And Darth Vader is my father...from a certain point of view. LUKE How do you know those things? LEIA I have seen Episode 3. LUKE Hang on! If you always knew that, then why did you get freaky with me?! LEIA As the daughter of a Nabooty woman I have a natural insatiable craving for booty-action. * You were available, and handsome, so... *(See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty) Luke throws up. LUKE I have to confront Vader. LEIA No, Luke, don't! Don't tell him we had booty-action! That's best kept a secret between you and me! LUKE No, I still think there is good in him. I must find that and bring it back. LEIA I think that goodness you seek is somewhere in between Episodes 1 and 2, because in Episode 1 Anakiddie was this nice child, and in Episode 2 he was suddenly a jerk. EXT. IMPERIAL BASE - MORNING Luke has surrendered to the Imperials. Vader awaits him. LUKE Hello, dad. VADER So you have accepted the truth. LUKE I accept that you were once Anakiddie Skywalker, a very annoying kid. VADER That name has no more meaning to me. I'm much cooler now. Vader activates Luke's lightsaber. DARTH VADER (CONT'D) Very nice. I see your training is complete. LUKE Huh? I had to construct my own saber to complete my training?! Yoda never told me that! I bought this lightsaber on the internet! DARTH VADER I must obey my master. I can't come with you. LUKE You can try. Just commandeer a shuttle and we're out of here. Come on, let's try it. It'll be easy! DARTH VADER You don't understand. They've placed this explosive inside me. If I try to escape....BOOM! They blow me away! LUKE How wude. INT. DEATH STAR Vader brings Luke before the Emperor. EMPEROR Welcome, young Skywalker. You will join me, as I have foreseen. LUKE In what version did you see that?! EMPEROR Your friends will die, and the rebel fleet will be destroyed! It's a trap! I can't believe you guys fell for it! It's how the clone war started: you hide some troops out of sight and bring them out to fight the good guys once they've arrived! Suckers!!! LUKE Perhaps I should have watched the Prequels after all...then I would have been prepared... EMPEROR Now you will kill your father and take his place at my side. LUKE No, I will kill you and take my father to therapy. Luke tries to kill the Emperor, but Vader stops him! They fight! The lightsaber fight takes them to some laser-shield-door things. They are separated from each other! LUKE (CONT'D) (cont'd) How long before these things open again? DARTH VADER Until the next scenes are done. Clever trick to switch locations, isn't it? LUKE No, not really. Just obvious, unimaginative and lame. EXT. SPACE The rebel fleet is under attack by Imperial ships! The shield is still there! The Death Star is operational! It's a trap!!!! INT. FALCON Lando shoots enemy CG fighters! LANDO Perhaps we should have first send in some cloaked spy-ship to see if the shield was gone, and if it wasn't some kind of trap. INT. REBEL CRUISER CG ADMIRAL ACKBAR No! That would have been too easy! EXT. ENDOR - DAY The Ewoks come to the rescue. The rebels and Ewoks join forces and fight the CG clonetroopers! The battle is over quickly. The clonetroopers - created and trained for warfare - kill Ewok after Ewok! HAN I guess sticks and stones don't work against computer animations! LEIA Artoo! We need your help! Artoo activates his rocket-boosters and flies over to Leia. Leia takes a glowing orb out of Artoo's Super Secret Compartment Of Surprise. HAN What's that? LEIA This is the Glowing Orb Of Unlikeliness. It was given to Boss Nass by my mother, and Nass then gave it to me, to use it to light our darkest hour! HAN We don't need a light! We need a weapon! Leia throws the Orb. The Orb EXPLODES and the Flash Of Poor Writing changes everything! The Ewoks and rebels have won, and the Imperials have been defeated! HAN (CONT'D) (cont'd) That's highly unlikely! LEIA The Glowing Orb Of Unlikeliness works! INT. DEATH STAR The Laser Doors Of Pacing open and the lightsaber fight continues! DARTH VADER Your thoughts betray you. Another version! You have another version for yourself! You are a Phantom Editor! LUKE Aaaah! I had to! It is my right! If Lucas can mess up his own movies, I can mess them up too! Luke slashes and Vader goes down! EMPEROR Good. Now kill your father and take his place at my side as an evil Dark Lord who will help me rule the galaxy and do bad things. LUKE Uhm, no. Was that your whole plan? Do you really expect me to just turn to evil like that? EMPEROR It seemed to work with your father. LUKE My father was a stupid Prequel character, no wonder it worked with him. That kind of nonsense doesn't work with a cool and intelligent Original Trilogy character like myself. EMPEROR Damn. LUKE Now I will do something heroic and meaningful. It goes against some of the Jedi lessons, but that makes it even more dramatic and symbolic and such! Luke refuses to fight and throws away his lightsaber! EMPEROR Die! The emperor shoots lightning from his hands at Luke! EMPEROR (CONT'D) I don't care what universe you're from, that's gotta hurt! DARTH VADER Luke! Use your saber to absorb the lightning! I watched Obi-Wan do that once! LUKE Now you tell me! Vader can't stand to watch his clone-son in pain. He picks up the Emperor and casts him into the Bottomless Pit Of Return In The Expanded Universe! Vader is dying. DARTH VADER Luke, help me take this mask off. Luke does so. He is shocked to see the face underneath the mask! It's Hayden Christensen! LUKE Dude. You were never as cool as I was. You never even had a chance. Vader/Anakid/Hayden's cybernetic chest opens. He takes out a device. VADER/ANAKID/HAYDEN Luke, take this Jedi Matrix Of Leadership. LUKE That reminds me of the Transformers. VADER/ANAKID/HAYDEN Transformers were important in the Prequels. They were the coolest CG droids... Till...all...are...one... Vader/Anakid/Hayden dies. INT. DEATH STAR, REACTOR Lando and Wedge have reached the main reactor of the Death Star. WEDGE I'll take it out with a single shot! Wedge shoots. LANDO I'll take it out with a single shot too! Lando shoots. They get out and the Death Star CG explodes...twice... EXT. ENDOR - DAY Everybody is happy. HAN I'll leave you and Luke alone. LEIA Thanks. Nothing can come between the love of a brother and a sister. Han throws up. EXT. ENDOR, FOREST - EVENING Luke burns his father's body, together with the Prequels. LUCAS (V.O.) Noooooo!!!!! I shall have my revenge!!!!! EXT. EWOK VILLAGE/CLOUD CITY/MOS EISLEY/MOS ESPA/THEED/OTOH GUNGA/TIPOCA CITY/CORUSCANT/GEONOSIS CITY/ALDERAAN/ETC/ETC/ETC. Everybody celebrates everywhere. EXT. EWOK VILLAGE - NIGHT While the rebels and Ewoks join in a CG trooper barbecue, Luke walks a bit away. Luke spots five ghosts: Obi-Wan, Yoda, Anakid, Mace Windu, and Qui-Gon Jinn. YODA Used you well, we have. LUKE Used me?! OBI-WAN Yes, of course. You see, what I told you about the Chosen One was true. You were just a tool to help the real hero of the saga, Anakiddie, to fulfill the prophecy and complete his heroes journey. LUKE What?! QUI-GON We never doubted that Anakid would bring Balance to the Force. LUKE Crap! MACE WINDU Everything went according to plan. And I mean EVERYTHING. LUKE Weak! ANAKID Luke, thanks for helping, although I didn't really need your help. I just waited for the right moment to kill the emperor and defeat evil. Too bad you got nasty with your own sister, or else you could join us here in Force-Heaven. LUKE You've gotta be kidding me! Leia runs over to Luke. LEIA Wait! I'm not really Luke's sister! LUKE Huh? LEIA I am Princess Leia's royal decoy, her brave bodyguard, her loyal handmaiden, her perfect double, her obedient slave girl, her secret lover, every fanboy's fantasy, her unworthy spankable... LUKE Yes, alright! I get the point! Where is the real Leia? LEIA She is far away, somewhere safe. OBI-WAN You must go find her, Luke. That is the way of the Sequels. YODA Impossible, that is. Scrapped plans for Sequels, Lucas did. LUKE Then what do I do now? ANAKID There is only one thing for you to do, my son. You must spend the rest of eternity in the Expanded Universe Hell! LUKE Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!! THE END (ACTUALLY...TO BE MOST LIKELY CONTINUED IN A NEW VERSION)