The MONA LISA: Archival Edition

Ever since his 'rebirth', thanks to LucasClones' cloning process, Leonardo Da Vinci has been the center of controversy in both the scientific and the artistic community.

While the actual cloning of the great man remains subject of heated debate amongst scientists and philosophers, most talked about are the changes he has made to one of his most famous works: The Mona Lisa.

What started out as an eagerly awaited restoration of the great work has turned into something that has filled fans of the original with disgust.

First there was the 'updated' background of course.
'It was such a lame background; fuzzy, boring, and unrealistic' Da Vinci recalls in a surprisingly honest round-table interview in sunny Greenland.
'The digital 'New York Skyline' background insertion was one of the best decisions I've ever made concerning my work', Da Vinci adds, but is quick to admit that something was just not right about this Special Edition, as many scholars pointed out right away.

'The old-fashioned woman sat in front of a modern background. It was the best I could do at the time, but when I was done I already decided to return to it later and fix the rest.'
While some fans were looking forward to these further 'improvements', others had their doubts, and many feel Leonardo has simply gone to far with his Ultimate Edition.
Replacing the body of dear old Mona with that of busty model Veronika Zemanova caused an outcry from fans of the original lady.
Leonardo himself waves away the criticisms.
'So it's another woman's body. So what? She just happened to have the proportions I was looking for. Let's be honest, old Mona didn't have much of a body, and after the insertion of the new background it was only logical to update Mona's outfit and hair style. I don't know what everybody is complaining about. Mona's face is still there, restored and all!'

Yet recently Da Vinci has once again returned to his famous work and done what many feel is a 'most hideous thing', as one art-lover put it.
In the Archival Edition the famous enigmatic smile of Mona Lisa is gone, replaced by the lipstick-covered, full lips of - once again - internet babe Veronika.
Leonardo: 'It just didn't look right. I never intended for Mona to have that goofy smile anyway. She wasn't a very good model. She kept cracking these silly jokes all the time while I was painting. Very annoying, but I had a deadline to keep, so I put up with it. I realize the smile is popular amongst fans, but I never intended the smile to be that way. Let's face it, it's a silly smile, and if everybody is honest they will have to admit that. The way it's done now makes far more sense, what with the PrequelLisa in pre-production right now. When all Lisa Episodes are done it will look like one big art-saga. And besides, just look at it, doesn't she have the sweetest lips now?'

Sweet her lips may be, Original Mona Lisa fans find it difficult to stay friendly.
As Darth_LastSupper, a frequent poster on the Da-Vinci internet message-boards says: 'It's just not the Mona Lisa anymore I fell in love with as a kid. The magic is gone.'
Old-time-fan Leonardo_SillyName suspects the influence of George Lucas: 'It's no coincidence that Da Vinci has made Special Editions of his work. We all know the Star Wars Special Editions, and we all know that Lucas financed the cloning of the great Master. Leonardo feels he owes Lucas his new life, so he started 'revisiting' his work, creating these craptacular editions. I really blame Lucas for all this. Someone should have stopped him after he had cloned Peter Cushing.'
Perhaps if the original Mona Lisa were still available people wouldn't be so outraged, but Da Vinci won't have that: 'The original was simply a work in progress, a rough cut as you will'

Leonardo meanwhile plans to revisit some of his other works, and this may cause even more of an uproar, especially from the religious community.
The Last Supper is up for a 're-do'; more windows, a more diverse cast, and possibly some merchandising tie-ins on the table (Pepsi has allegedly struck a deal with Da Vinci to include several Pepsi cans in the updated version).
And Da Vinci's plan with the Shroud Of Turin is bound to enrage many believers.
'It was just a joke! Really! It's so clearly me on that rag! I'm surprised people fell for it. I never expected it to go this far, but seriously, now that I'm back I have to put things right. The Shroud has to go. I'll make a new one.'
Rumor has it actor Hayden Christensen has been approached to stand model for the new and improved Christ...

The controversy is far from over...

Bottom image: An unused study by Leonardo Da Vinci for his Special Edition, as featured in the Mona Lisa DVD extra: 'Updating Mona'.

By Emily Bunghole, for The Sunday Crapper. Photographs copyright LucasClones Limited.

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