A Blood Bond

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            She sat at her dressing table, calmly brushing her long hair. Without looking up, she said, “Sirius.” She set the brush down, but did not turn to face him. “What do you want?”

            He sidled over to her and smirking, “You, darling.”

            “Bullshit, Sirius. You shouldn’t be here.”

            “And why not? Suddenly gone frigid?”

            “You bloody bastard, Sirius. Why are you here? That’s been over for a very long time. And it was never more than anything but a mistake. For both of us.”

            He tutted, “Ah, darling, but it felt so good, didn’t it?”

            “Of course it did, but that makes it no less of a mistake.”

            “A mistake? It never felt like one. You were insatiable.”

            “So were you. And you got more than I did, didn’t you? He never stopped loving you, even though he knew. It was wrong, Sirius; and you know it. Why are you here? And stop avoiding the damn question.”

            “Oh, fine. I want you. Again.”

            “I told you. It’s over. It ended ages ago. You belong in another’s bed, and so do I.”

            “Do you now?”

            “Yes, and you know it. I always belonged with him. You know damn well if it weren’t for him, you wouldn’t be here now.”

            “Perhaps, but I want you. And I want you now.”

            “No, Sirius. Go back to Remus, where you belong. Leave me be. Its time you put this petty boyhood grudge behind you.”

            “And what about him? May he continue it forever?”

            “No. You’re both stubborn jackasses, but at least he tries. You don’t even bother. And now you’re here. Damn you, Sirius.”

            “Perhaps, but no more than him.”

            “Sirius. Leave now. Before you do something you’ll regret.”

            “Regret? I regret nothing.”

            “You will if you insist on staying here. I won’t do this again. I will not be in the middle of this again. And I won’t hurt Remus,” she paused, “He deserves so much better than you, but still he persists. That man is incredible.”

            “Middle of what?”

            “Damn it, Sirius! Do I have to say it? Do you really want to hear it? Is that why you’re here? Am I supposed to make you feel better about it?”

            “Go ahead and say it. It means nothing to me. He means nothing to me.”

            “He’s your brother, you sodding git! That means something, like it or not, and I love him. Stop this foolishness and grow up.”

            “No. And I do want you.”

            “Liar. You don’t want me. You never wanted me, sodding poof. He’s your brother. Why doesn’t that matter to you? It matters to him. He tries so hard. You make it so difficult. And I have to pick up the pieces. He doesn’t deserve this.”

            “Neither do I! I never asked for this!”

            “Did he? You’re so selfish, Sirius. I hate you.”

            “Yeah, well, love hurts, babe.”

            “Fuck you.”

            “That’s why I’m here, if you’d just cooperate.”

            “Fuck off, you sodding poof, and leave me be.”

            “No. Not until you give in.”

            “Sirius, I will never again give in to you. He has forgiven me and I will not betray him again. It has cost me far too much only to lose him again. Now get out. Go back to Remus. He loves you, Merlin save him. Be content, for once, with what you have, Sirius. You have a god awful lot, you know.”

            “Yes, but I want you too.”

            “No you don’t. You only want to hurt him. Find some other way, Sirius, because I have learned from my mistakes.”

            “I don’t give a bollocks about him!”

            She laughed mirthlessly, “Yes, you do. And that’s exactly the problem, isn’t it? He’s your fucking brother and you fucking hate it. Too fucking bad.”

            “Fuck Severus, Fiona.”

            “That’s exactly what I do, Sirius. Him, and no one else.”

            “Gods, woman! Why?”

            “I love him. You know that. I always have. You know that too. I love him, just as Remus loves you. Deny it all you like, but that’s the truth. I’m fucking your brother and you hate that, because it gives him happiness. You’re the biggest fucking prick, Sirius.”

            He didn’t reply. She was right, and he knew it. Damn woman. He glared harshly at her.

            “Yes, exactly why you’re with Remus: women annoy you. You have a brother, Sirius, you always have, and you’ve both always known it. And you’ve both hated it all your lives, but Dumbledore has forced you to come to terms with it, and it’s killing you, Sirius. It’s killing you, because it’s forcing you to be an adult for the first time in your perfect, childish life.”

            He just glared some more.

            “Do you remember, Sirius? Do you remember all those years ago, everything that happened? Do you know why I chose you?”

            He looked at her blankly.

            “You’re not that stupid, Sirius. You know damn well why it was you. You could be his twin, Sirius. Don’t you remember? You’re births were only hours apart. Different mothers, same father. Gods, but you two are so alike, it’s scary.”

            “Has he told you everything, then?”

            “Not everything. Enough. You know Remus is my best friend. He’s told me your side as well. The rest I can figure for myself. Life hasn’t been fair to either of you, but you both make it worse with all this hate.” She turned back to her mirror and lamented to her reflection, “Merlin’s ghost, sometimes I wish Remus and I could just run away together and leave the both of you! But we can’t, can we? The two of us are as tied to the two of you as we are to oxygen. Gods, but I hate being the only woman caught up in this!”

            “Too damn bad. You put yourself here. No one forced you.”

“No. But love did.”

“Love? How could anyone love such a… corpse?”

“Corpse! Don’t you dare! He is more alive… He has more passion than twenty of you! You bastard! How could anyone love you, you heartless, selfish shit?”

“I’m not heartless. Surely Remus has convinced you of that, at least.”

“Perhaps he sees more in you than I. Perhaps you simply let him see you. Perhaps he sees what he wants to, what he needs to. How the hell should I know? I only know that you shouldn’t be here. There is nothing here for you. Why are you still here? Get out.”

“Why the bloody hell should I? You can’t deny that you want me.”

“Maybe I do. I want the part of him that I see in you. I won’t deny that. You really could be his twin, Sirius. That’s what I want. That’s what I see in you. That’s all I’ve ever seen in you.”

“Fuck off, bitch. I’m nothing like him!”

“Yes you are. And that’s what you hate most, isn’t it? You see yourself in him too, just as he sees himself in you, and it’s killing you both. And you insist on forcing me into the middle. That’s why you’re here. You want to destroy him because if he stops existing, then you won’t be confronted with who you really are anymore. You can shovel the dirt over your past and pretend that the world is bloody perfect again. Well, fuck you. I’m not helping you do that. I won’t let you hurt him. Remus either. I’m not going to go over this with you again. Now get out and let it go.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you can’t hate me, because if I weren’t Severus’s lover, you wouldn’t even need acknowledge my existence. You are more obsessed with him than is healthy, Sirius. He’s your brother. Accept it. Move on and get through this war. When its over, I swear you will never see him, or me, again.”

“What about Remus? You would just leave him? Is that what you intend?”

“No. But he has made his choice. I won’t deny him his love. He deserves far more, but I won’t cause him any more suffering. Not at my hands. And he suffers most of all, you know. He is the one most hurt by this sick obsession of yours, though he would do nothing but deny it. Gods, Sirius, grow up. Be a fucking man for once.”

He glared at her. “How do you do it, Fiona? How?”

“Do what?”

“Know all of us so well? How the fuck do you do it? It must be so exhausting.”

“It is Sirius. Love is always exhausting. And implausible as it is, I love all of you. Severus, Remus, and yes, you too. I love each of you and it hurts to watch you do this to each other. I have done my best for all of you, but apparently, I’m still not good enough for any of you.” She put her head on her hands in a futile attempt to hide her tears from him.

“Oh, gods, Fiona. What have I done? I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize…”

“No, of course you didn’t, Sirius, but it’s all right. I know you. One day you will reach past it all, but first you’re going to have to face it. All of it. We all will. None of us will survive if we don’t. Damn us all for being so stubborn!”

He laughed, “You’re right, of course. You always are. Damn Ravenclaws.”

“Careful, Sirius. Remus is one of us too. So was Lily.”

“All right, Fiona, I tell you what. I’ll give it a go. For Remus and you. I do love you, you know. Maybe not in the way I should, or even in the way I want to, but I do love you.”

“If only you’d admit to loving Severus, then it would be done.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that, Fiona. I don’t know if either of us will. We’ve hated each other for so long.”

“Yes, but there is a very thin line between the two. Sharp as a new razor’s edge.”

“Gods, how do you do that, woman? You’re such a poet.”

“Oh, some days, I suppose. Inspiration strikes at odd moments, Sirius. You love him already, part of you always has. You just have to find it. And then accept it. I promise it isn’t as hard as it sounds.”

“Good. Because it sounds bloody impossible.”

She laughed, “It’s not. I swear. Gods, but you two really are alike! I want to tell you something, Sirius, but you must swear it will not leave this room. You must swear that you will never speak of it to anyone. Not Remus, not Severus; not even me. Never.”

He looked at her, questions in his eyes, but he nodded, “Okay. I swear.”

“I had a conversation much like this one with Severus. Just last night, actually. He confessed something to me. Several things, in fact. He told me that he loves you, but he doesn’t want to. He feels that if he loves you, then he has forgiven his father for deserting his mother, and himself. That, above all else is why he has hated you all these years. Well, he never really hated you. He hated the father you had that he was never allowed to know. He was jealous of that, yes. He knows it isn’t your fault, knew it a long time ago. You aren’t to blame. Your father’s mistakes hardened him. But he still loves you, Sirius.”

Sirius stared dumbly at her.

“And another thing, Sirius. About Harry. He doesn’t hate Harry because of James and Lily. He hates him because Harry has your love. He feels that, somehow, Harry stole the place he has always hoped for in your heart.”

He raised an eyebrow, “Severus… actually… said all of this?” he said it with great incredulity.

“Well, no, not said it, but you know me. I can read people. You two best of all. Severus would never say anything of the kind. Surely you know that much of your brother?”

“I thought as much. Damn it, woman. You’re dangerous.”

“Yes, well…” she shrugged.

“Well, then I, too, shall tell you something that must never be spoken.”

“All right.”

“I was jealous of him.”

“You were jealous? Of Severus?”

“Well, yes, for a number of reasons. I didn’t know I had a brother until I went to Hogwarts, but I figured it out soon enough. And when I did, I hated him. He didn’t suffer under Father’s tyranny. He was free of that bastard, unlike me. Father placed all of his hopes and dreams on me and I hated it!”

He held up his hand and touched his fingers, as though ticking off items on a list he’d written long ago, “Severus had brains. Real brains. He was always getting vastly higher marks than me.

“And, then, there was you. Well, not really you, so much as the idea of you. He liked girls. I thought there was something very wrong with me because I didn’t like girls… that way. I found myself attracted to boys, Remus, particularly. Father would’ve killed me had he known. My desires terrified me, and there was Severus, perfect and by far my superior, not suffering in the least, as I was. So, I did what I had always done. I found the best way to hurt him, to steal his happiness. I stole you, or at least, at the time, I thought I had.”

“Merlin’s beard!” she started laughing insanely.

“Are you all right, Fiona? What… what’s so funny?”

“You mean… you mean you never knew?” she said as she tried to regain control.

“Never knew what?”

“About Severus and Lucius.”

“Severus and Lucius? You’re joking!”

“No, I’m not. Remember how Lucius always got what he wanted, no matter what?”

“You mean…? He wanted… and Severus…?”

“Yes. Why else would I turn to you? How on earth do you think he got dragged into the Death Eaters?”

“Gods! I never realized…”

“Yes, well, now you know. He had his own foray into homosexual waters, Sirius. I’m sad to say his experience wasn’t quite as pleasurable as yours have been.”

“Damn Malfoys. I can’t stand the whole lot of them!” He shook his fist at an imaginary crowd of Malfoys.

“Sirius?”

“Well, no one hurts my brother!”

“Oh, really?”

“Well, no one but me!”

She laughed, a full hearty laugh that filled the air. It was contagious and Sirius soon joined her. They were reduced to a fit of giggles on her bedroom floor.

“So, he’s your brother now.”

“Well, yes. I’m not ready to hug him, mind. I still don’t even want to shake that greasy git’s hand! But, yeah, ok. He’s my brother.”

“That’s fine, Sirius, so long as you’ve taken the first step to accepting the truth. At least you can call him your brother now. It’s about bloody time, you know.”

“Yes, well, I’ve always been a stubborn jackass. It’s in the blood, you know.”

“Yeah. I know damn well. You’re both bastards. That’s not the point. Now will you leave off this ‘I want you’ rubbish?”

“Oh, I guess. For Remus.”

“Fine. I’m not asking for anyone else. I know you better than to ask for that much.”

“Damn woman! I hate that about you. It makes it impossible to fool you, or to do anything with you! You make everything so difficult; you know that? Damn it, but I hate the way you know everything. It’s disturbing. Not even Albus can do what you can.”

“Yes, well, he never got roped in as deeply between the two of you, did he? I’m the only person in the world who can claim to know Black and Snape in equal parts intimacy.”

He laughed, “I suppose you’re right there. You’re the only thing he and I have ever shared. Besides blood, of course.”

“Yes. Exactly. That’s what makes knowing you two so easy for me. Your blood connection and myself. No one else knows both of you so well as I. Remus knows you as well as I do, but he doesn’t have my advantage of knowing Severus.” She paused. She turned to face him, her eyes suddenly very serious once more. “I hate it. You both force me into the center of it. Its bloody annoying, do you know that? I hate it! I feel like a pawn in this great, mighty, stupid battle. It’s utterly ridiculous, but I do it anyway. I’ve got no other choice. You two don’t offer any other option. Stubborn sods.”

He winced, “I suppose we’ve more in common than either of us is willing to admit.”

“Yes, you do. Gods! I hate this… I wish… I just wish things could have been different. Maybe, if… if you’d been sorted into the same house… or if… if your father…” Tears began streaking down her cheeks, “Oh, bloody hell! These damn what ifs! It’s so stupid! I can’t change anything. All I can do is sit here and watch you try and destroy each other, wishing to change the past!” She turned angrily on him, “You’re on the same bloody side!” She gazed into his eyes, as though searching his face for answers, “What the hell do you want from me? Both of you drive me mad! I wish you’d just kill each other or get over it. I don’t care which anymore. I just want you to finish it!”

He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and did his best to comfort her. But he couldn’t deny the truth to do so, “There’s a lot of hate between us, Fiona. A lot of pain and suffering and jealousy. We need more time, that’s all. We’re trying, really, Fiona. Really. I know we both are. It’s just… so hard!”

She looked up at him, “I know, Sirius. I know. I’m just so tired. It’s time, Sirius, time to put the past behind us and look to the future. Look at Harry, Sirius. That’s what this is all about. Harry, Ron, Hermione and all the rest of the children. That’s what matters now. We’re fighting for them. We have to be the grown ups now. They need that. From all of us.”

“Merlin… can you really see us being adults? Us?”

“Yes, Sirius. Us. We’ve all got to grow up. You, Severus, and me. Not Remus, though. He’s the only one of us who is an adult. Just think, the last of the Marauders, being adults. Amazing, isn’t it? I never thought the day would come when we would be forced to act. Forced to understand that our actions impact others, that this war needs us. We’re more than we ever thought, Sirius. We’re all that’s left. With Lily and James… gone. It’s down to you, Remus, Severus, and me.”

“What about Peter?” he snarled.

“Peter? You don’t consider him one of us any longer! He never really was. More of a tag-along. We let him hang around out of pity more than anything. Peter’s never had any real friends. He’s only proven he doesn’t deserve them anyhow.” She placed her hand on his arm to gentle him, “Don’t blame yourself for his treason, Sirius. You did what you thought was best. How could anyone have known? Lily and James wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself, Sirius. You don’t have time to. There is work to be done, and its up to us to do it. The Order is so small now…” There was suddenly a distant look in her eyes.

“Fiona? Are you all right?”

“Yes. I’m fine. I just worry. What if it’s too little too late? There’s so much at stake! And there’s so much…” she stopped.

“So much what?”

She looked at him, her eyes back in the moment. There was a firmness and a power radiating from her, and it scared him. “Sirius, we don’t have time for you two to deal with… this. You’re just going to have to put it aside for when there is. Now, it’s just important that Voldemort falls. And that won’t happen if you two insist on all this bickering and pettiness.” She held up her hands and shook her head when he moved to reply, “No, don’t. I’ve already told him the same. I do every night, but this is the first I’ve said it to you. It must be said, and I’m the only one to say it. Sirius, just forget that he’s your brother. Forget the bitter history you share, for now. I don’t care how, just do it. Put it aside and get the job done.” She looked away, “If we don’t… James and Lily will have died for nothing.”

He looked at her, studying her, trying to understand how she had come to possess such power. He did not find the answer he sought, but he realized the truth in her words. He nodded, unsure if words wouldn’t fail him. “I… I’ll do my best, Fiona.”

“No. Not you’re best. Just do it. Merlin’s ghost, don’t you understand? Don’t you realize all that’s at stake in this? He’s your godson, Sirius. That should mean more than any of… this.” She waved her hand about, indicating…

No, he knew damn well what she meant. He didn’t need to delve into it again. He nodded. His eyes were full of deep intent.

She knew that she had reached him at last. He would put it aside and work beside Severus until the danger was past. Until the threat was finished, the enemy defeated at last, he would live in truce with his brother. She nodded in response.

He stalked silently from the room and she was alone again.

She sat and stared into her mirror for a long time, lost in old memories and in her visions of the future.

“Fiona?” A voice broke into her lost world. It was him. He was with her. Finally. She had thought that perhaps he would not come, and that had gripped her heart tighter than she realized until it was released now at the comforting sound of his silky, soft voice.

“Severus,” it was a sigh, an unfastening of the bottled emotions within.

She was in his arms at once, so quickly, as though neither had moved. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and held her close, breathing deeply.

She smiled to herself and nuzzled against him, joy filling every inch of her being. She never felt so right as when he held her. His touch was surprisingly gentle, though still rigid and unyielding. He had never had much practice as a lover, but he was earnest in his love and that was all that mattered to her. “Severus, you dolt, what kept you?”

“I had to speak with Albus again. There is so much work to be done. I tried to tell him, but the senile old coot was insistent. It was productive of course, but I had better places to be. You’re too bloody distracting.”

“Yes, but that’s only one of my charms,” she smiled lazily and seductively.

“Charms? My dear girl, fussy little Flitwick could never conjure up something so maddening as you.”

“Do shut up, old man. How much longer are you going to waste air and proper use of your tongue?”

 “Cheek will win you nothing, silly girl.”

“Then kiss me and shut me up, or I shall loosen my tongue so that it may never stop wagging.”

“You’ll do nothing of the kind, insolent child.”

She drew a breath to answer, but before she could speak, he pressed his lips roughly upon hers. She responded with fierce passion, wanting to make him breathless.

They moved together, clumsily, awkwardly, toward the bed. He pulled at her robes, frustrated that they didn’t reveal her faster. He kissed her with ferocity and passion that none, excepting her, knew he possessed. Her fingers moved deftly, peeling his many concealing robes from him, and then swiftly removing her own.

She was by far the better lover, with more experience and more ease, but he had a desire that not even she could match. She gave herself over to him entirely, desperate to fulfill his needs, to please him and give him all that he required of her.

The sheets lay flung back, draped across the floor, but the lovers took no heed. He made love to her, ravaging her, so full of raw need that it was terrifying.

When he had at last fulfilled the primal need that possessed him, he returned to himself. He found himself entangled with her in her bed, naked and entirely spent.

This was contentment like he had never known. She was the only thing in the world that brought him any peace, even if only for a few fleeting moments. She was his redeemer, but she was also his destroyer. She had been the force behind his decent into darkness, but she too, had been his reason for returning to the light. She was a walking paradox, but he could not comprehend her any other way.

He lost himself in her embrace, wanting nothing more than to lie there forever, denying the outside world and its problems and its perils. But still he knew he must return to that world, so that he might fight again and make himself worthy for her. Life is a terrible paradox all its own, he thought sullenly.

She lay, body entwined with his, her legs wrapped tightly around his, her stomach flat on the bed, one arm draped across his stomach, and her head resting lightly on his chest. She closed her eyes and felt the rhythm of his breathing and his heartbeat. She lost herself in the feel of her lover’s living being.

But then the memories came rushing in. She could do nothing to stop it, only lay in a state of frozen observation. She could not cry out, nor would she have. She did not want him to relive it as she did. It had caused him enough pain already.

She saw herself at eleven years old, her first time on the Hogwarts Express. Her hair tumbled wildly all about her, her robes were already askew and she was rushing down the corridors, sticking her head into random compartments and introducing herself to the other students.

She watched as the eleven year old she had been slid a door open and stared in shock into it. She realized as she watched that this was the moment she had lost her heart. She saw the boy sitting alone in that compartment, all gloomy and dark. He obviously wanted to be left alone and looked dangerously at the intruder.

“Hello,” she said, her voice full of friendly, innocent confidence, “My name’s Fiona. What’s yours? Is this your first year too? Do you know which house you want to be in? Do you have any friends? Want me to be your friend?”

The boy looked at her, too shocked to give her the scathing answer he would think of much too late.

“Well, at least tell me your name. I think I’ll just make myself your friend, seeing as you’re alone in here. Everyone needs at least one friend, you know.”

He was still very shocked, but he managed to toss out, “My name is Severus. Now please go away!”

“Severus… That’s a nice name. I rather like it. It seems to suit you. You do have a rather severe look, I suppose. Yes, that’s a good name for you.”

Before he could respond, the train lurched to a stop. They had arrived.

“Goodbye, then. It must be time to get off. Don’t want to be late to the Sorting, you know. Hope to see you again soon, Severus. And I will, because we’re friends now.”

She watched as the eleven-year-old version of herself was sorted into Ravenclaw, and took her seat at their table beside Remus Lupin and Lily Evans. The three of them almost immediately became best friends. They giggled wildly as they watched James Potter and Sirius Black, two Gryffindors, make a raucous show of their sorting. She paused only when she watched as her dark-haired, sullen boy, Severus, was sorted into Slytherin. She was greatly troubled by it. How could she have any hope if he was a Slytherin?

She watched as the years passed. Her memories of all of the pranks James and Sirius masterminded against her secret love, Severus, and the select moments when he exacted sweet revenge upon them, blended together, weaving a dangerous tapestry of malice and hate. She watched as Remus fell head-over-heels for Sirius, though he had no hope. She watched as Lily and James fought over the silliest of things. Those two were like an old married couple even then.

She watched in slight amusement at the day when she had discovered Remus’s secret. He was a werewolf, and she was the first to know. She had confronted him, after putting two and two together, and he had been so scared that she hated him. She had hugged him tightly and said, “So what? You’re still my buddy Remy. It’s just another side of you, that’s all. It’s not important. You’re important. You’re my best friend. I mean come on, Remy! You’re talking to the Ravenclaw with a hopeless crush on a Slytherin. We’ve all got our flaws, Rem. It’s no big deal, really. Its not like you’re a different person. I just know all your secrets now. Honestly, you didn’t actually think you could keep even one from me!?”

She saw the day in her third year, the day that she had proclaimed the best day of her life, when Severus had asked her to be his girlfriend. She had eagerly agreed, with all her heart. It was innocent love, but it was love all the same.

When she told her friends, Sirius had become very angry with her. He had yelled at her and called her a traitor, but Remus then surprised them all. He yelled right back at Sirius. Remus Lupin, the designated peacekeeper, had stood up to his heart’s desire. He had curled a protective arm around her, as she cried, and yelled at Sirius with such ferocity that everyone had frozen in shock.

The memories flooded her. She couldn’t stop them, though she wanted nothing else. She knew what was coming and she didn’t want to remember it.

But she did anyway. There was no stopping them. Her memories were relentless.

She watched as in their fifth year, Lucius Malfoy, a year older and a million times nastier, took a fancy to her boyfriend. She watched helplessly, as her fifteen-year-old heart broke. Lucius was powerful, especially among the Slytherins, and Severus didn’t have the strength to deny him. She saw how her fifteen-year-old counterpart clung desperately to Severus as he was dragged deeper into the dark fold. She was sure she would lose him forever.

Then, in their sixth year, she had tried to convince him to stand up to Lucius. He had refused. He had broken up with her. What was left of her broken heart, was shattered and left to litter the floor of that empty hallway. She watched him through her tears as he stormed away, in an effort, she only now realized, looking back, to save her.

Hindsight’s always twenty-twenty, she thought bitterly.

She had run, searching desperately for a friend. For Remus or Lily. But she found Sirius first. And when she ran, literally, into his arms, she looked up into his face, and saw Severus. That was the moment she had realized what they were. She threw herself to him, and he had obliged her. She lost her virginity to him in an empty broom closet in one of Hogwarts many corridors.

Of course, when she returned to her senses, she realized what she had done. She had slept with her best friend’s boyfriend. She had called him Severus the entire time, vainly rationalizing her traitorous act. But what made it worse was that she spent most of the next year repeating the same mistake. Though she wasn’t entirely to blame; Sirius was eager to make her his concubine.

But then, in their seventh year, Severus had asked her to meet him in an empty, unused classroom at midnight one night. She eagerly complied, praying that he had escaped Lucius’s grasp and was returning to her. There were rumors about Lucius joining that maniac calling himself Lord Voldemort. She had hoped that Severus had escaped such a fate, but her hopes were in vain.

She had entered the dark room, searching desperately, trying to make him out. He lit his wand with a simple “Lumos!” And had moved close to her.

He had been so close, and she had felt so desperate for his gentle caress, but she received nothing. He shoved his forearm in her face and pulled up the sleeve of his robes. He had sneered at her sharp intake of air.

There, on his arm, was the Dark Mark. The one thing she had prayed, hoped most would not happen. Tears streamed freely down her face as she looked up at him.

There was no sympathy in his eyes. “Stay away from me, muggle-lover! I want nothing more to do with you, so stop harassing me. I never loved you.”

Those last words struck her so harshly. The shattered remains of her heart flew away on the wind of his words. She reached out to him, “Severus! Please… No! You can’t do this!”

“I already have. You mean nothing to me! You are less than scum! Friend to that—that werewolf! And to Sirius ‘Goddamn’ Black and to James ‘Mudblood-loving’ Potter! I want you to know one thing, though. You taught me what it means to be a traitor. You showed me how to identify the people who care, and those who only pretend. This is your doing. All of my tortures, all of my kills, will be because of you.” He turned and was about to leave, but she clung to him and he stopped at her words.

She had begged, “Take me with you, Severus! I am yours! Take me to your lord! Let me serve him too! Let me serve beside you.”

He was so still, he seemed as though he was not there. She could not see his face, but she knew her words had hit him deeply because he stood so still, for what seemed like ages.

Finally, he had brushed her aside, “You aren’t worthy,” and stormed out.

When he was gone, she was plunged back into the darkness of the empty room. She wept, not caring, forgetting everything outside this dark, little world of hers.

This time, it was Remus who found her. He knew all of the acts she had committed against him, but his was an infinite wisdom. He had swept into the room, waved his wand to light the candles, and lifted her off the floor. He had pulled her close to him and whispered reassurances that only he could know. He saved her: from her tears, from her loss, from herself.

When she returned from her hysterics and discovered him holding her, she cried anew and confessed her sins against him. He had only smiled, whispered, “I know. It’s okay, I forgive you.”

She cried and swore to him that she would never allow Sirius to touch her again, if he, Remus, would call her friend again.

Remus had smiled again, “Of course. I never stopped calling you friend. How could I? You’re the only one I can trust with everything. I can’t lose you, love.”

She smiled up at him through her tears, “Really, Remus? Truly? Oh, thank Merlin! I don’t deserve you!”

“No, you don’t, but then, neither does Sirius. But that hardly matters, does it?”

She had laughed, “I suppose not!” Then she had looked down again, reminded of her worst fears come true, “Oh, Remus! He… He’s become… one of… them… What will I do without him? I can’t… I don’t know how… How will I ever stop loving him?”

“You may never stop. It’s going on and living in spite of it that’s the trick. But I’ll be here, and Lily, and James and Peter, and even Sirius. We’ll always be here for you. You won’t be alone, ever.”

“I don’t know about Sirius, but it’s good to know I still have a few friends.”

“You’ve more than a few, love. Everyone has been dreadfully worried about you lately. You’ve been so… distant, so… lost. We’ve missed you. Our house hasn’t been doing so well without you.”

“I doubt that. I don’t play Quidditch. And we’re Ravenclaws, so it can’t be because I’ve the best grades, now can it?”

“True, but you’re our heart.” He had looked so serious, so sure. It was truth, to him, at least.

“Oh, Remy! Thank you! I love you! And I’m so sorry! I must be the worst friend ever. I… I’ll try to… I, well, I owe you. I’ll always be ready to help you, no matter what. Heck, I’ll let you eat me if it would make amends.”

His eyes had gotten a bit wide, “Good heavens, no! Don’t even suggest that! Just because the wolf is part of my nature, I… I’d never… I couldn’t do that, not to you…”

“Oh, Remy… can I become an Animagus now? James can teach me. It can’t be so hard if Peter can do it. Please, Remy, so I can be there, so I can help. You know, when James and Sirius and Peter can’t.”

He had insisted against it, as he always did, and she stopped asking.

Then her memory flashed to their graduation. The last day their entire class had been together. She had watched Severus with such longing, such anguish, that Remus had clasped her hand and let her squeeze it, perhaps too hard.

Then there had been the wedding. Lily and James saying their vows at last. She had been so happy, but it had been awkward. She didn’t want to be Lily’s maid of honor because Sirius was the best man. She had refused repeatedly. Only when Remus had ordered her to march down the aisle beside Sirius, did she give in. She could never stand against Remus. She owed him too much.

Then Harry was born and there was so much joy! For a year, the six of them had been so happy. But Peter had been a bit odd even then. Perhaps they should have paid more notice to it, but they were all too happy. Sirius and Remus were together and they were all peaceful, though Fiona’s heart ached for Severus. She didn’t even know whether he lived. It was heart wrenching, but she had followed Remus’s advice and learned to live with the pain.

Harry was a sweet child, so full of curiosity and mischief. He was so like his father, but Lily was there too, bubbling just below the surface. He was intelligent, that was obvious from the start. Fiona loved the little baby so much that being with him gave her a great gift. His presence in her life lessened the pain of her lost love. He had been so precious to them all.

And then Voldemort had made his intentions known. He wanted the Potters dead. Everyone, even Albus, had tried to get Sirius to be James’s and Lily’s Secret-Keeper. He had refused so many times. Then suddenly, suspiciously he’d given in. Fiona had felt it in her gut that something was wrong, but she didn’t voice it. Sirius had his reasons, and despite all his bravado and mischief, he would never let the Potters come to harm.

Then Voldemort had found them anyway. Harry became the Boy-Who-Lived, Peter was dead, Sirius was sent to Azkaban, guilty of their murders, and Remus and Fiona were left in shambles.

She saw with utter amazement the day she had become an Animagus. She had done it despite Remus’s insistences that she should not. It had not been terribly difficult for her to master. She had spent years watching James, Sirius, and Peter with a watchful and careful eye. It didn’t take much for her to figure it out for herself. But she decided to go through the proper channels. She registered with the Ministry and completed the spell behind Remus’s back.

They had been all that was left, and so they’d clung to one another. They had become inseparable, but for the few days each month when Remus underwent his transformation. It pained her to see him suffering alone once more and she hadn’t been able to bear it so she’d gone against his wishes and had been sure it was for his own good. They shared a small cottage together. She ran a small shop, peddling to Muggles and wizarding folk alike, eking out just enough of a living for them to get by.

The day she revealed herself to him, he’d been too far into the throes of his transformation to argue, and he would admit later that he was glad she had done it. She spent the next several years perfecting a way to tend him each month. She stayed in human form as long as possible to administer various potions to ease his pain, sustaining many severe wounds each time, but always transforming herself in time. They would then spend the days of his curse wrapped together in animal peace until he began to transform back. Then she would take up her post beside him as soon as she could and, while sustaining more injuries, administer more pain-reliving potions of her own brew.

Then when he was human once more, he tended to her, chiding her each time for changing too soon, but pleased that she took such care of him. She kept him alive and sane when he had no will of his own for such things.

The years passed and they suffered together, commiserating on their losses and finding small pleasures where they could. She loved her shop, and he was quite pleased at his freedom to study. She took great pride in learning the art of potion-making and becoming quite the master of it. He eagerly, ravenously read and studied and learned and acquired the knowledge he craved, always seeking for a cure to his curse, and aiding others as best he could when he found the knowledge to do so. He helped her with the shop when he could, pleased that she did so well, but knowing that what she craved he could not give her. No one could. She wanted a family of her own: children to train and teach, a husband to love and cherish.

He did his best for her, but neither could derive physical pleasure from the other. His heart and body belonged only to a man imprisoned for crimes too horrid to speak, while hers belonged to a man who had surely committed crimes just as hideous, but whom none knew where to find. This too, bound them together, though, for they had long since learned the dark truth of their former lovers. They were in love with a pair of brothers whose relation was not acknowledged by anyone. It was fitting somehow, and they reveled in it, for it was all they had.

Then Albus had sent an owl to Remus. He was asking Remus to become the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. And Harry was in his third year. A Gryffindor, like his father.

They had cried together, Fiona and Remus, for they had not had word of the boy since Lily and James’s deaths. Then Remus had quickly responded positively to Albus and had packed immediately. They would miss each other desperately, but Albus had assured them that the Potions Master could brew a concoction that would aide Remus well enough. She would have to stay behind and he would have to deal with his transformations without her. But they both wanted to know of Harry, so he went.

Then he’d sent an owl that made her heart beat wildly. He had news that he had to tell her, but he couldn’t bear to write it to her. He insisted he tell her face to face, so he’d flooed home for a dinner one weekend to tell her. She was terrified that something was wrong with Harry, or that Remus had been fired, but he had shook his head and said, “No, something much more shocking. Much more… personal to you.”

She had stared at him, waiting, impossibly confused. He had insisted she sit down. When he had her situated securely on the couch, his arms wrapped firmly around her to keep her still, he’d told her.

Severus was alive. He was a teacher at Hogwarts. He was the very Potions Master that brewed Remus’s concoction every month. And he still hated Remus for Sirius’s horrible prank.

She had been so shocked. First, she’d been frozen, and then she lashed about wildly, screaming, and pounding her fists against Remus’s chest. Next, she had wept softly until her tears were all spent. Then she had looked up at Remus and whispered, “So. Now what?”

He had laughed, “Nothing. I just thought you would want to know. He’s alive, dear, and Albus trusts him. I believe he turned on Voldemort and has been a spy of some sort for Albus. I can’t be sure, but I believe it to be so. Albus trusts him and respects him deeply. So do I, though I wish he’d stop hating me. He still doesn’t understand.”

“Of course he doesn’t Remus. He’s Sirius’s brother. They both have heads harder than boulders. You can’t expect him to… be friendly. It’s never been in his nature anyhow. He was always the perpetual loner.”

“Yes. Only you broke through to him. He may need you yet, girl. We shall see.”

“Gods, Remus! Don’t even suggest it! Even if he is working against Voldemort now, he can’t possibly care for me. Perhaps he never did, I don’t know. But after what I did to him… Severus has never been as forgiving as you, Moony. He’s simply not that wise. You transcend such pettiness, but he couldn’t survive without it.”

“True, but I think there will come a time for him to move on. He will find redemption somehow, but I think his best chance lies with you.”

“Merlin, Moony! Stop it! This is foolish to even speak of! Let us enjoy this time together. We have so very little, now that you’re a sodding professor!”

He laughed, “Still so quick to recover. You’re an amazing woman, Fiona. If only you were tall, dark, handsome…”

“And male?” she finished, grinning.

“Yes, that.” He matched her grin.

“It would make life so much easier, Moony.” She paused and cocked her head at him, “But we never much liked things simple, did we?”

“No, I suppose not, but one can’t help but be wistful for it every now and then.”

“I’ll grant you that, my friend.”

Next came the owl correspondence between her and Remus after the events of that year had played out.

Fiona,

As you’ve heard, Sirius escaped Azkaban. He came to Hogwarts. He proclaimed himself innocent. He ranted that Ron’s rat Scabbers was really Wormtail. We had a… confrontation in the Shrieking Shack. I can’t go into details, love. Suffice it to say, it was all a bit much to take in, but I do believe, unquestionably, in his innocence. Peter has, alas, managed to escape. We can’t prove anything without him. Luckily, Sirius and Buckbeak managed to get away too. Thank the gods for small miracles. Did you believe Sirius betrayed them, all these years?

 

Remus,

I’m glad to hear Sirius is free at last. He should be, damn it! I can’t lie to you, so I won’t even try. I didn’t believe he was a traitor, not for a moment. Not once in all these years. I knew Sirius did not turn Lily and James over to Voldemort. I couldn’t prove it, but I knew.

 

Fiona,

How? Gods, but you amaze me again! How did you know? How could you have been so sure when no one else was? Merlin! I’m ashamed to admit that I believed he’d betrayed them!

 

Remus,

I just knew, Moony. I knew Sirius was a trickster and a louse, but I also knew where his loyalties lay. He would never have allowed harm to come to them. And I was suspicious when he had denied being the Secret-Keeper so long, only to “accept” it so docilely, so willingly. I smelled a rat; excuse the pun, love. You know me. It was just… one of my… intuitions. I can always read people. Sirius is one of my specialties.

 

The memory blurred and suddenly her memories began to show her events that were much more recent. Only a few months prior to the moment she now lay in.

The day her owl from Dumbledore had arrived, asking her to teach at Hogwarts, as the Language Mistress. What a day that had been!

Sirius was with them by then, and both he and Remus had been ecstatic for her. They had brushed aside all her misgivings and convinced her to go for it. She needed to see Severus.

“To clear things up, and bring closure, at least, to the whole affair.” Remus had reassured her with his infinite wisdom.

“If not more.” That had been Sirius, a sly grin to match his sly words, and a mischievous twinkle in his eye. A twinkle, the likes of which, had only recently returned to those haunted spheres.

Then she remembered the first day she had seen Severus again. She was sure her heart was going to either stop or jump out of her throat and run away. It did neither, though it beat furiously when she was under his gaze again at last.

It had been at the feast following the Sorting. She had slipped in after most of the students arrived and taken a seat that Severus had his back turned towards. She had avoided him for days by merely staying in her rooms, but she had had to join this night’s festivities. She had managed to remain utterly unnoticed until Dumbledore’s speech was nearly over.

The headmaster had announced the arrival of a few new professors and her name had been last, more as an afterthought, really.

But the change in Severus had been immediate and terrifying to see. He had gone so rigid and so still that he seemed frozen. He turned slowly to face her and the look in his eyes had been so impossible and so unfathomable for her that she wanted to run. But run she could not, so she just stared back at him, praying that she could survive this.

When she couldn’t stand it any longer, she pushed aside the plate of mostly untouched food before her and rose to leave. She rushed away as quickly as she could without looking suspicious, but it would be in vain.

He followed and he called her name. “Fiona!”

She had frozen at the sound of his voice. Her heart went cold. What would he say this time to break her?

He quickly caught her, took her arm, and shoved her roughly into an empty classroom, “In here. We need to talk.”

She had followed obediently, too afraid to argue.

He released her arm once they were inside and moved away from her. He leaned against a wall, his back to her, “What are you doing here?”

“I—I’m a teacher. Albus asked me…”

“No. Surely, you knew. Surely that… werewolf told you.” He spat the word werewolf.

“Yes, he did tell me. But Dumbledore insisted. I’m not significant enough to argue with him, Severus.”

Hearing his name on her lips again after all these years still sent that old familiar shiver down his spine. He loved hearing it. He wanted to hear that forever.

“You shouldn’t be here. I don’t need this. You don’t belong here.” He whirled around suddenly. His eyes were dark and his voice menacing, “This is my home. You’ve no right to invade it.”

“Severus, it wasn’t up to me. And you know what?” Some of her old spirit returned to her when she felt a surge of anger, “Why should I matter to you? I thought I was scum, no, less than scum. I believe that’s what you said. I’m nothing to you; remember? Do you still kill and maim in my name, Severus? Do you still serve Voldemort? Did you ever know what love is?”

He raised his hand high in the air, as though to strike her.

She refused to flinch, she just stared straight at him, as though daring him to strike her, but the blow never came.

“Do not tempt me, woman. You know nothing of what I felt. What I feel. You have betrayed more loyalties than I could ever dream of. Now, get out. I don’t care what you tell Albus, so long as you’re gone by the morrow.”

She put her hands on her hips and glared at him with utter defiance. “No. I’m here. I live here now too. You’re just going to have to deal with it. Ignore me; hate me. I don’t care, but I’m not leaving. You have no command over me, Severus.” She paused. She looked at him, sadness crossing her face for a fleeting moment, “You gave that up a long time ago.”

He scowled at her, but she didn’t back down. He gave her his most seething, hateful glare, but she just stared right back at him, steel in her gaze.

Gods! She’s still so bloody beautiful! Oh, Fiona… He didn’t let his glare diminish, but his thoughts ran loose from him. He wanted desperately to reach out and pull her close and kiss her forever, but he wasn’t about to admit he was wrong.

Damn you, Severus! Kiss me; you fool! Merlin’s Ghost! What am I thinking?

“I’m leaving now, Severus. If you refuse to be civil to me, then do me one small favor. Avoid me entirely.” She turned on her heel and stormed from the room.

The vision changed again and she watched with fresh eyes as he followed her over the following months. He had been everywhere, always baiting her to argue, around every corner with some new scowl in an attempt to… what, exactly? At the time she had thought he was trying to drive her away, scare her into leaving, but as she watched the memories dancing before her now, she realized he had been building his own defenses.

He had needed to see her, and he had despised himself for such a weakness. He had punished himself by trying to drive her further from him. She saw with stunning clarity that he had been doing just that since they were students. He had needed her so desperately all along, but he had always recognized it as weakness. Feeling love towards someone was for lesser men than he had to be. And perhaps, he didn’t think he was worthy of being loved in return.

She had gotten to him so deeply all those years ago and it terrified him. Emotions were his greatest fear, especially the good ones, like love and pleasure. She watched it play out so obviously before her now, and was amazed it had taken her so long to understand.

But then, she’d been blinded by her own emotions. Her broken heart had ruled her and she had built her own walls. She had not recognized what he was doing because she, too, had been hiding from her own sentiments. She had been such a fool and had wasted so much time! She felt so ashamed, for she had always been so proud of her talent and skill of reading people, of knowing them and their emotions and their thoughts. She had hidden from his because she was frightened that he didn’t love her too. But what had scared her more than even that had been the thought that he did.

Not that it mattered, for neither of them could forever deny what was between them, especially not under the extenuating circumstances into which they’d been forced.

The vision cleared once more and she saw him standing so clearly before her, just as he was that night. He was covered in blood and she had cried out, too terrified at the thought that it was his to hide any longer.

“It’s… it’s not mine…” he’d choked out, and then he’d collapsed into her arms.

She caught his unconscious form and laid him down gently. Then she began looking for wounds and found none. He hadn’t lied, it wasn’t his blood, but whose was it? And why had he passed out?

She had gone straight to her personal stores of potions and quickly grabbed the phial she needed. She uncorked it, held it to his lips, and poured it down his throat.

Instantly, he jerked awake in her arms. He cried out something unintelligible before he recognized where he was.

“Ssshhh, you’re safe. I’m here, Severus. You’re safe…”

He had looked up at her, and pierced her with his gaze. She met it head on, letting him see, at last, the raw emotion within her.

“Fiona…” it was a gasp, but it told her volumes.

“Severus, what happened? Whose blood is this? Why?”

He looked at her and the anguish the next words caused him was obvious, “A… a victim… of Voldemort’s… I… he’s dead… Voldemort didn’t want to use the… the Unforgivables… they were… were too good for… for… for him… but not… not for me… Fiona…Gods, I’m so sorry! I…”

“Oh, gods! Severus! No!”

“I… I’m sorry, Fiona… I… I’m… a…” he looked away.

Too much pain, Severus. This is too much pain, even for you. She clutched him tightly to her, “Severus, don’t be ashamed. Never be ashamed. It’s not important, damn it. You’re all that’s important, you idiot.”

“Bloody hell, woman! I’m not in the mood! Let me—”

“I don’t care one whit about your mood, Severus! I’ve had enough of this! I’m not running and hiding anymore, and I’m not letting you do it either. We’re going to solve this thing tonight. I’m not waiting for you anymore. You’re going to just admit it to me. And more importantly, to yourself, you overgrown imbecile. Why didn’t you ever look for me… find me… come for me? Why did you hide from me?”

“I didn’t come for you because I didn’t want to. You betrayed me, and you hated me. There was nothing left between us.”

“Shut it! Don’t lie to me! There’s plenty between us! And you’ve let it fester for sixteen bloody years! Sixteen goddamned years, Severus! We could’ve had so much more! You and your sodding pride! Damn it, Sev, enough is enough. Tell me why. I want to know what Voldemort offered you that I couldn’t beat. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why the hell didn’t you care about me?”

“Fuck! That was exactly the problem! I cared too damn much! You were too good for me, and I couldn’t offer you a goddamned thing. You had those bloody wonderful friends of yours. You didn’t need me. When Lucius offered me to… the chance to serve, I dived in. I didn’t care about myself, I only wanted to protect you and those sodding Gryffindors you set so much bloody store by. If I turned myself over to him, maybe you’d find someone better. And you did. I just wish it hadn’t been that wretched git, Black!”

“You idiot! I didn’t want him! I never wanted him! He’s a sodding puff anyway! You and those damned Slytherin notions of yours! Damn it, Severus! I didn’t want a damn thing from you! Not a damn thing! I only wanted to love you, even if you were a sodding git! I did love you and you tossed me aside like rubbish! I was only fifteen, Severus. How could I have understood? You threw me aside and then rubbed it in my face. That sodding mark! I hated it! But I was willing to do anything for you, Sev. Anything. Don’t you remember? I offered myself. And you didn’t take it seriously, not even for a moment. You treated me like a child!”

“You were a child! Damn it, Fiona! You offered me a temptation so terrible and I almost gave in! I showed you the damn bloody thing so you’d stay away and be safe! And then you offered yourself so freely and it tore me apart! I loved you so much! I wanted to be with you always! You stood there, bloody beautiful and defiant, and offered the chance. You had no idea what you were offering! I loved you and I wanted you to be safe! I knew what would become of you if I gave in. I couldn’t take that! I had to walk away and never look back. You were trying so damn hard to kill me that day, Fiona. And it nearly worked. But somehow I managed to make it out of that bloody classroom alive.”

She glared at him, seething, challenging him to look away from her hard glare.

He refused to look away. Instead, he snaked an arm around her and pulled her to him. He pressed his lips firmly to her mouth, hungrily seeking her out. It was a rough, passionate, and too-long-awaited kiss.

It knocked her senseless, but she recovered quickly. She returned the kiss with her own, biting at his lip, sucking on it and pushing her tongue urgently into his mouth.

They clung to each other, snogging so hard that they nearly forgot to breathe. They finally pulled apart, breathless with desire.

She pressed her body against him, refusing to part with him entirely, and she suddenly felt his need. She grinned up at him, “Why, Professor, is that for me?”

He sneered at her, but didn’t reply. Instead, he pulled her closer, grinding their pelvises together. He leaned down and placed a suckling kiss on her neck. He pressed harder when he heard a moan of pleasure escape her lips.

Suddenly, she pushed him away. “The only way this is continuing is if you clean off all that… I am not about to get into any sort of compromising position with a man as dirty as you. Now get into that bathroom and clean up, or I will become very displeased.”

He had slyly licked her neck, grinded against her again, and then pulled away so swiftly, she swore. He smiled, “As you command, my lady.”

“Damn it, Severus. I’m covered in it too, now.” She paused and looked at him with a fiery and passionate twinkle in her eye, “I suppose I’ll have to join you.”

He took her hand and led her into the bathroom. He turned the faucet and bubbling froth began to fill the tub. He stripped off his blood-soaked robes and watched with keen interest as she peeled hers away as well.

They climbed into the tub and she slid her body against his, allowing the water and bubbles to wash away everything that stood between them. She closed her eyes and whispered, “Severus… I’ve waited so damn long for this…”

He wrapped one arm around her waist, cupped her breast in his hand, and lightly massaged her shoulders with the other. “Fiona, you shall have to wait longer, I’m afraid. I need to explain…”

“Explain what? I know what you are, what you’ve done. I don’t care! I love you anyway. I don’t give a damn about Voldemort and his quest for power. I don’t want to care about anything else. Just this. Us.”

“No! No, you’re wrong. I’m not a Death Eater, not anymore. I’m a spy now. I—”

“What?!” She swatted at his head, but missed, “You sodding prat! Why the hell didn’t you come and get me, then? What the hell stopped you?”

He pulled her closer, slipping the hand from her breast to her belly to distract her from her anger, “None of that, now, young lady. Let me finish. And stop interrupting!”

She could hear the sneer that must be on his face. She smiled, “Fine. But do hurry it up. I’m not going to wait much longer.”

“That’s a good girl… I served the Dark Lord for several years. And I was good at what I did. Every life I stole haunts me, but I am making amends. Making them in the only way I know how. A year before he fell, before Potter… Well, I went to see Dumbledore. I turned myself over to him. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I’ll explain why later. He accepted me, and he forgave me. He vouched for me and I was saved from the fate of most. But at the cost of much more. I became a spy for him. I returned to Voldemort and gleaned what information I could and aided in the fight against my former master. I was good at that too. I’ve always been good at deception and subterfuge, you know.

“When he went after James, I… I was too late, and I’m sorry for it. So sorry. I tried, but I wasn’t good enough… but then… well, you know that part of the story well enough. With Voldemort gone, I had nothing to do, no future. So, Dumbledore offered me what he could: a position at his school. Potions Master. I accepted. I had nothing else. No one, save him, trusted me; I had no friends, no family. So, I continued to serve Dumbledore in exchange for what he did for me.

“I did not come for you, because I was ashamed of all the pain I had caused you. I was nothing to you. I had thought that you would have moved on and found something better. Perhaps with…him. But I accepted that and let you have your peace. I hoped you thought me long dead. I thought it would be easier for you if I were.

“And then that werewolf showed up, and I knew he would tell you. I hated him for that. I was sure the second he saw me, he would rush off to write you a letter and hurt you with knowledge of my existence. I didn’t know what to do, so I denied it. I simply refused to acknowledge the truth. How the hell would I have been able to continue teaching these grand dunderheads if I saw you in happiness, true bliss? …without me? …possibly with… with him… I couldn’t face you; I still can’t, damn it!”

“Well, I’ve always had a knack for showing up where I’m least wanted. You should know that by now. Now, stop all this feeling bloody sorry! I’m tired of people being sorry! For all the deaths. For all the lies. For anything and everything! It’s time to act, damn it! There’s no point to all this… past! The future is what’s important… especially now, Severus. Because now the future holds something I want.”

“And just what is that?”

“You!” He felt the anger in her voice, “And you call your students dunderheads? Most of them have us all figured out, you know. I hear them talking. They say you should… what was it? Oh yes, ‘He should just shag her and get it over with!’ Yes, I believe that was it. Sound advice for a bunch of dunderheads.”

He growled, and pulled her closer. His hand slid ever lower down her belly. She took in a sharp breath. She felt his smile against her neck.

“Damn it, Severus. Are you just going to toy with me? Or are you going to be a man, for once in your miserable life?”

“I haven’t had such an intriguing plaything in a rather long time, Fiona. I’m quite enjoying it.”

“Bloody bastard. I knew it. I always knew it. They didn’t believe me, but I was right.”

“Right about what?”

“None of your business. That’s it! I’ve had enough!” She turned around and faced him. She felt along his legs with her hands, creeping ever closer. She smiled slyly when he glared at her. She gripped him suddenly. He was still hard after all, “Why, Professor! I am impressed!”

“Lord Voldemort was never as evil as you, damn woman!”

She grinned, “I doubt it, but I suppose I shall have to take your word for it, love. Now, its my turn to play.”

She nuzzled her face into the opening at the base of his neck and slowly placed a feather-light kiss just there. When she felt him tense, she kissed him again, harder. Nipping at the skin, licking him.

He groaned.

She just smiled and kissed him again, this time beginning to move her hands expertly beneath the water.

He moaned and then growled, “Oh, gods!”

 

She lay once more, in bed with her lover. The memories were at rest. She was once more in the present, held by the only man who could.

“Fiona? Are you all right?”

People ask me that an awful lot, she thought. “Yes. I’m fine. The world’s bloody perfect, Sev. Surely, you know that. I thought you knew everything.”

“I do. But you haven’t answered me. I’ve called your name about six times. You looked…”

“Dead? Well, that’s what happens when you’re a prophetess, Sev. It’s called a trance. And I have no real control over it. Not ones like that, anyhow. You really are ignorant sometimes, for such an intelligent Slytherin.”

“Bloody hell. What was it this time?”

“Nothing you need worry your greasy head over, love. It was only a vision of the past. It wasn’t important.”

His face darkened, “Tell me, Fiona. No more hiding. No more lies. Remember?”

She traced his jaw with one finger, “All right, Sev. I promised. But you know all of it anyway. You were there. I think I’m still trying to understand, Sev. It’s not the first time.”

“Damn it. I thought I’d explained everything. What is it now?”

“Severus Snape. Don’t you snap at me like a bloody student! You’ve explained what happened. You never said why.”

He sighed, a deep ragged sigh. “It’s complicated, Fiona. I don’t know if I’ve the words.”

“Find them. Now.”

He looked down at her, studying her as though seeing her for the first time, “I’ve done many things in my life, Fiona. And most of them were horrific; sin beyond words. I have no excuse for my sins. There can’t be any, not for such acts. Life is only a series of events and choices. One does the best with the knowledge and experience they possess. I’ve made many mistakes, too many.”

“Severus. Please. Tell me why. Why did you leave me? I didn’t understand. I know now that you were trying to protect me, but I still don’t understand. You wouldn’t let me protect you. I thought I wasn’t enough. I thought… maybe, Lucius… the others… what was it, Sev? Please, don’t be angry. I’m just trying to understand. Was it me? Something I did?”

“Gods, no, Fiona. You know well enough about Lucius. But what you don’t know… I refused to join the Death Eaters, at first. But Lucius knew my weakness. And he used it. He threatened you. He left me no choice. My life or yours. I hated myself for being so weak, so I let them have me. I was lucky. Lucius didn’t tell Voldemort about you. He kept that secret for his own uses. That, more than anything I did, was probably what saved you.”

She looked deeply into his eyes and clung tightly to him, wishing there was some way she could erase the pain and horror from him. “Oh, Severus! Why didn’t you just tell me? Why didn’t you go to Dumbledore then? He could have protected you!”

“No! I… I couldn’t. I am a Slytherin. We have pride, you know.”

“Damn your pride, love. It was always what got you into trouble. Still does. Then why go to Dumbledore at all?”

“Because… because… well, it’s hard to say. I just didn’t want to do it anymore. I never wanted to do any of it, really. By the time I went to Dumbledore, Lucius had lost interest in me, but he still hadn’t told Voldemort of you. I figured the threat to you was gone. That had been all that mattered, so when I knew that was finished, I just… wore out. I wanted, no needed to… make up for it all, somehow. The best thing I could come up with was to turn myself over to the uses of the Ministry, but I hated them. I didn’t respect them, so I went to Dumbledore instead. I didn’t want to go to Azkaban because I knew I could still be useful, somehow. He and his Order found a way to use me. So, I did what he asked. It was easy because I had no use for myself. All I had ever desired, I had forced away forever. But I still had to repay my debts, to my victims, to all those who died so senselessly. But most of all, I had to repay my debt to you. You were my downfall, in every way.”

The tears washed down her cheeks, “Oh, Severus, you are the biggest fool I’ve ever known! Did you really think you’d rid yourself of me so easily? Did you truly think me so faint of heart, so weak, so stupid? My heart was shattered a million times over, but it was always yours to do with as you pleased. Not for a moment did it rest anywhere but in your hands. It was yours that first day on the train. I gave it freely all those years ago, and I never regretted it, not once. I wanted you to have it. You deserved it. You always will.”

He pulled her to him and she was shocked to feel the tears fall into her hair. Everyone else thought it impossible for him to cry, but then again, most everyone else didn’t know a damn thing about him. She cried with him. These tears had been pushed so deep within them both, and it was time for release. It was time to heal.

Damn you, Moony. You’re always right. I hate that about you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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