by Dylan Fain
Lewis woke up with a start. His face was hot and his underwear was too tight. He put his hand on his chest and started pulling at a hair. He thought to himself, Why did I wake so suddenly? What was it that UH! (He had pulled too hard.) What was it that had disturbed his dream? If only he could return to milking a cow with his childhood friends. No, on second thought, he did not wish to be asleep.
He got up from the bed and walked over to his mirror. He looked at himself and was inspired to put on a shirt. It was lucky he did, for just then, the doorbell rang.
�Yes? Who is it?� Lewis asked from his side of the door.
�Imphany Moodume.�
Lewis was sure he had never heard of such a person but decided to open the door anyway. It was not Imphany Moodume at all! It was Emily Mundoon herself!
�To what do I owe the pleasure Ms. Mundoon?�
�Dear Lewis, why must I always find you running about in your undies?�
�I am innocent. I have only just awoken.�
�Well it is with the utmost respect that I ask you to return to your bedroom and retrieve a pair of pants.�
�For you, Emily, it would be my pleasure.�
Lewis regretted her plea. Nothing would pleasure him more than remaining in his underwear. Nevertheless, he went to his room and put on a pair of jeans.
�All right,� Lewis said upon his return. �Now that I have covered all parts of me that may offend, I must know what it is that brings you here at the crack of dawn.�
�I do not know where it is you think we are, perhaps Australia, for I assure you our crack of dawn has come and gone.�
�Never mind that. What is it you want?� Lewis was annoyed at her for reminding him of his slovenly ways. He thought her terribly rude.
�I�ve come with bad news I�m afraid. Someone has passed.�
Lewis knew of his aunt who had been sick up in the hills. Naturally, this must be the person of whom Emily spoke.
�It is my aunt then?� asked Lewis.
�No. It is not your aunt. She is alive and well as last I heard.�
�Alive? Perhaps. Well? Hardly, I�m sure.�
�It is your brother Matthew. There has been an accident.�
�No! Heavens, no! What has happened?� Lewis sat down on the floor in front of Emily, who was now forced to kneel in front of him. Unfortunately, this was made difficult by the new boots she had purchased only a day before. They had a substantial heel, and Emily was without a strong calf.
�He was driving in his motor car when something flew in front of his glass shield, blocking his view.�
�Well what was it, this thing sent by the devil himself?�
�According to reports, it was�well��
�Out with it!�
�It seems that yesterday�s newspaper had flown from some old man�s hand and landed right in Matthew�s sight.�
�And he was blinded, poor soul!�
�Well not exactly.�
�Well what then?�
�According to a witness, there were five inches to the left of the paper through which Matthew could have seen, if he so desired.�
�Well then, what happened? Why did he not steer himself to safety?�
�He was busy with something else.�
�What? Dear Emily, please be quick.�
�It seems that he was reading the article Mr. Jopper had written about you for yesterday�s feature. It was quite good after all. I�m sure he enjoyed it.�
�You jest, I�m sure! You cannot truly mean that my brother would rather peruse an article about me than drive his car properly.�
�Well I don�t think it was a perusal, I think he was actually��
�Never mind the details,� Lewis said, cutting her off. �I cannot believe this. I do realize that the details of my personal life are quite captivating, but I never suspected my own brother to fall victim to Saturday morning gossip.�
�The life you lead is a hard one.�
�This is true, Emily. It seems only we understand that.�
�If there is anything I can do for you, please be obliged to ask.�
�There is everything you can do for me, dear, dear Emily. You must take care of all the
details. Matthew deserves an extravagant funeral. He was, after all, a good man.�
�Certainly, Lewis.�
�I�ll need to write something, something grand to say to our family and friends. I do feel a bit flushed. Perhaps I�ll lie down.�
Lewis slowly got himself up from the floor and Emily attempted to follow. Her legs, however, were so numb from kneeling that she fell face forward onto the floor.
�What is wrong with you, woman? Can you not walk?�
�It is all right. I shall be fine in only a few moments. My legs are tired.�
Lewis walked into his room thinking women truly are the more bizarre of the sexes.