(Unpublished MS from February 21,2004.)  Call it “Logical Apologies 101.”

 

When is an apology not an apology?  Most of the time, these days.  A recent example is the apology CBS gave after Native Americans expressed offense at the Indian-mimicking Grammy Awards performance by the hip-hop group Outkast.  Through a spokeswoman in Los Angeles, the network said, "We are very sorry if anyone was offended.”

 

Let's try that same logic in a different context.  "I'm sorry if I almost hit you when I threw that knife."  Such a statement is an after-the-fact conditional apology.  The only thing it really expresses is a lack of culpability, with a tinge of self-directed regret.  But CBS didn't even admit to having thrown the knife--to having made a misjudgment. The network's statement merely expresses regret that anyone took offense, which obliquely implies that no one should have been offended.  Logically, there has been no apology.

Not that an apology is always necessary when someone is offended.  If Betty Sue brings her famous pot roast to work and you don't want to try it, it's her problem if she's offended.  But if you call her stupid for bringing the pot roast to work and she overhears you, then an apology
is in order, and not only for Betty Sue's benefit.  If you don't apologize for your mistakes or angry words, it’s unlikely people will want to apologize when they err against you.

 

Another way to negate an apology, or to deny the need for one, is to use the "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings" defense.  This happened recently at Sul Ross State University in the West Texas hamlet of Alpine.  A professor there, in an article in the January issue of Liberty, a small Libertarian magazine, called the students and townfolks "the dumbest clods on earth" and "just plain stupid."

 

Later the professor said, “Am I going to apologize? No.  But I never intended to insult them.”

 

I recommend not trying that one at home with your kids or significant other.  Like the professor, you might think you don't need to apologize and you may be right.  But there is no one-to-one mapping between intentions and consequences.  Apologies are based on consequences, and on accepting responsibility for them.  To fall back on intentions is a form of denial, a way of creating two separate realities that don't mesh, and never will.

 

A true apology goes beyond the realm of logic, however, and offers proof that we are more than just political animals.  Ultimately, and in contrast to the theme of the movie Love Story, a sincere apology is an expression of love.  What the world needs now, indeed.