Sailor Bubba Special Forces officer Ken H. Bacon was a large man to begin with. He weighed over three hundred pounds, was six foot two, and was always, always a serious man. He focused on getting his job done whenever possible, and he didn't hesitate at all. He was also a very hairy man, claiming that his father was a bear and that it just ran in the family. As of now, he has a thick mane of hair over his arms, quite a bit on his legs, and is sporting full stubble on his chin. Whenever he takes off his shirt, his manboobs are in full view. He has been teased for his moobs before. He also loves cigars, and chews on them constantly. He's also fluent in Japanese. He played football in college, and was really quite good-he secretly attributes some of his ability to the fact that his football coach made the entire team take ballet to enhance their dexterity. He's also a brown-belt in Karate. Remember this paragraph. It's important later. And then he got a call in the morning while he was on leave. It was his commanding officer Dominic Kallan, informing him that he had to come in that day for a special assignment. While he wasn't happy with it, it was part of his job. Besides, it was only a single day early. Worse things had happened, and he was assured that he'd be very pleased with what he was going to see. As he arrived, he saw Mister Kallan grinning from ear to ear, one step short of laughing maniacally. "We've done it!" He cried, with that little laugh of his. "We've finally captured one of 'em! And you, dear man, are the perfect person to be our new government funded Superhero!" Kallan would begin babbling about a suit they'd captured-one that gave a person the ability to shoot fire from their hands, summon dragons, heal wounds, withstand incredible blows, and a lot of other amazing things. Mr. Bacon even began to get excited. And then he was taken down to the facility where people were studying this alleged 'super suit.' It was interesting, seeing so many people in white outfits hustle and bustle about. Kallan even chatted with some of them to reaffirm that he had the powers list correct. He was. He asked if the other 'embarassment' was correct. He was assured, with a grin on the scientist's face, that he was. Then Bacon got to see the suit. It was a sailor fuku, meant for a girl that hadn't even gone through puberty yet. And this is when several other people that he has gone on missions with will enter the room, also being called by the CO. They're his support team. And they have to witness the whooole thing. One of them actually wants to put on the suit-the girl of the group, who was an anime fan while growing up and still holds a small torch for it. The first words out of his mouth were, "You've got the wrong suit." The second words, when reassured that it was the right suit were, "You've got the wrong gender, then." Nonetheless, rank prevails, and after much reaffirmation that the suit really can do all it promises, and that it will fit him-one of the scientists says to trust him on that. He's the one the other scientists watch out for-and after even more affirmation that he's actually the right man to wear it and that Kallan doesn't hate him...he puts on the suit. It feels and looks like it's painted on. He puts on the tiara. He feels ridiculous. And he wields the wand. He wants to club people with it. Things go downhill from there. He's told the history of the suit. Apparently a local supervillain genius-Your Friendly Local MadMan-had devised the suit for his twelve-year-old daughter to use when he needed a good distraction to beat the good guy/rob the bank/get away fast. Unfortunately for him, his daughter got a little too big for her britches and tried to pull a solo job. She was quickly taken down by a local well-meaning officer who shot her in the leg while she was trying to summon her dragon. It's not a short process. And thus the suit passed into government hands. He is assured that he really can do all those things he's promised. However, you also had to go through a series of commands to get it to work. These commands are usually simple, though some of the big stuff is complicated-the Madman apparently decided he didn't want his daughter to accidently summon a dragon by just twisting her fingers, after all-and usually voice-activated. This is part of the reason Bacon was chosen. Most of the command words were japanese phrases, and needed to be said correctly to pull them off. Since, interestingly enough, he was the only fluent japanese speaker they had working for them at the moment, he was the man chosen. Mr. Bacon was not amused. The powers list, and their humiliating steps, will be listed later. So Mr. Bacon told them, "Fine! But I'm not going to be seen like this. It'd be the end of my career, superpowers or no. 'Oh look, it's Crossdresser man! He'll save us!' I don't think so." He was reassured once again. There was a command to be able to change your appearance, and though it wouldn't change how the costume looked, it'd give him a full guise to go with it. Unfortunately, people that already knew him as he was, or anyone he'd actually be directing attacks at, would be able to see through it. It was an odd bug, and one they hoped to help him work through at some point. After all, no one likes to see a three hundred pound man in a sailor fuku. It also had an annoying tendency to simply switch off when left running too long. And since he couldn't tell when it ran out, well... And so, the legend of Sailor Bacon AKA Sailor Bubba was born while his platoon corrected his 'Crossdresser Man' comment. 'Sailor Bubba' was mentioned by the aforementioned woman, and it stuck. And things get even worse. As Sailor Bubba defeats villain after villain, some more embarassingly than most, he's informed that his public image is dropping. And since he represents the U.S. forces, he has to go on PR trips. This means he has to be seen giving speeches, being chipper and happy, and showing off his humiliating moves in front of millions of people. He's also engaged. His fiance is not informed of this. She simply gets told that he's part of the undercover team that goes everywhere with Sailor Bubba. His fiance also has two children-an eight year old typical girl and a twelve year old emo son. Shortly after the PR trips begin, Sailor Bubba becomes a huge hit with preteen and younger girls. Sailor Bubba gets posters, action figures, the entire deal. And since Bacon is 'part of the team that goes everywhere with Sailor Bubba' he gets free merchandise. Partly for quality control, and partly because his friends like to embarass him. Guess where all these things end up? In the hands of the little girl. While at first she's a good Sailor Crap Deposit, it gets...weird seeing her play with Sailor Bubba. And having a roomful of the merchandise. And he can't even say anything about it because he was the one who gave her the stuff in the first place. And then it gets even worse. Emo kid finds out who Sailor Bubba really is. After having one hell of a long laugh, and taking a few photos, he begins blackmailing him. I'm not sure where this will end up-with him getting kidnapped, or with him ending up getting a suit to rival Bubba's, sans embarassment. ...I can't even go any further on this. I end up laughing too hard. Maybe later. Suit Powers: Fire/ice/Lightning ball-Shouting the appropriate element in Japanese. Loudly. The most minor of abilities he has. More annoying and attention-getting than painful if done to an actual supervillain. Normal people can still easily live through them, however. Pretty Pink Heart Attack-Second weakest. Having to shout out the name of the attack, loudly, and having a stream of hearts come out of the wand he holds to, well, collide with heads. Rather like getting hit with a series of pink rocks. Tiara of Love-Doing one spin, throwing the tiara at someone. It turns into a gigantic heart mid-throw, and basically acts like a fifty pound bag of wet cement is thrown. And then it flies back to his hand, unless stopped by an outside force. ...I can't even think of any more. The idea just makes me laugh too much. I'll do this later. Non-suit powers/weapons: Martial arts, to some degree. Brown belt in Karate. Expert knife thrower, and will always have at least two knives on him. Probably around his waist, under the dress. Expert marksman. Will hide a gun in his cleavage, since it won't really fit anywhere else. Weaknesses: He's not allowed to take off the suit. What if he gets called into action? What if he's burgled? So he has to go everywhere with it, much like Superman. Except a phone booth just isn't enough privacy. How first ten issues should go- First-Introduction to Bacon's private life, have him called in, and end with him seeing the suit. Second-He puts on the suit. He envisions pummeling his CO multiple times. But he sees what he's capable of, admitting to knowing ballet to pull off the more dextrous maneuvers, and goes off to face his first supervillain in Little Girl guise. End before the actual fight. Third-He gets into fight. Wins mostly through a sucker-punch as guy sees him for what he really is. And then finds out that wand is nigh-impervious to harm, pummeling the guy with it. Let's face it, after all the crap he's been through, can you blame him? Fourth-Another call to action. Another villain to face. This one has super-speed, and actually manages to get the wand away from him before he starts taunting. Bubba sighs, throws the tiara-and again, a suckerpunch as the guy sees him for what he is-and takes him out. Retrieving the wand. This should only be the first half, if that much. Do a bit more about his private life, especially his connection with the rest of the team. Team will be fleshed out here-and when I get around to doing it. Also have him telling the fiance that he's been assigned as part of Sailor Bubba's Undercover Clean-up Crew. Fifth-Bad guy, once more. Bubba finds him while not in full 'uniform' and has to find a quick place to hide to change. Bad guy does quite a bit of damage before Sailor Bubba comes out. Unfortunately, bad guy manages to knock both tiara and wand off of Bubba. Thus Bubba reveals his love for conventional weapons, pulling out a gun and shooting the bastard in the stomach. Since it takes quite a bit longer to die from a stomach wound, and the clean-up crew could keep him alive for a much longer time... Sixth-Upcoming.