Poems #5
These poems range in time from about 1986 till present.....I have tried to preserve them in chronological order.
I hate me
I hate my life
Slash it off
With a knife
Let the scars
For once be seen
Let the blood
Wash me clean
It's so hard this time of year
When all you have is doubt and fear
To keep you company in the night
And all you want is to be held tight
In someone else's loving arms
To keep you safe from all lifes harms
But no one wants to see your face
When you're the one who's lost their place
You can no longer give cheerful lies
To hide all the pain inside
That will not leave your soul in peace
You only get sweet death's release
To free you from a life destroyed
FUCK this world that left me cold
Valentine's Day, Nineteen Ninety-Five
Once again by no one's side
Spent the day locked in pain
Why is it always the same
Everyone else has someone dear
To shelter them from the fear
Of always knowing what will be
When no one else shares your destiny
You die alone, just like you live
You never share and never give
Your soul is wasted in the dust
All you could be, turned to rust
Look beyond my saddened face
See past all the pain and disgrace
There is a person inside of me
That only needs love to set her free
Can you be the one I need
Or will trusting you leave me to bleed
Slowly to death as you rape my soul
All I ask is can you make me whole
And help me get through this alive
If you can, please come inside
Into the place no one gets in
Into the soul distroyed by sin
So long ago I forgot the face
That put me in this cold, dark place
So free me now, if you can
I need your warmth, please take my hand
And lead me away from the night
And comfort me while I adjust to the light
Seek the answer and you will find
It hidden there within your mind
Your soul will tell you what is true
Your heart will tell you what to do
Dreams of you start to grow
I hope you mean all that you show
Trust builds up slowly into
Wanting to share my soul with you
Is this real what I feel inside
Can I trust you or should I hide
Will the fear allow this to grow
I don't know how much to show
What's taking root inside my heart
Will it end or be the start
Will you love all that you see
When I show you all of me
Can you take all of my pain
Or is this all some kind of game
I need to know how much to feel
I need to know if this is real
I've been obsessed, I've been in lust
I've only known two men I trust
Both were friends I tried to love
Your heart is something you can't shove
They never meant as much to me
It wasn't the way that love should be
All the others meant even less
They always leave with only sex
Some I thought I wanted more
Now I know they couldn't open the door
Into my heart they could not get in
I wasn't ready to let them in
With you it is differant, but is it real
Is this the way that love should feel
Beginnings of trust and wanting to be
With you alone, waiting to see
What lay's ahead when you're by my side
Knowing with you all I feel is pride
That you would want me to share with you
These feelings inside that I never knew
I've never loved before, I know that now
The problem is, I don't know how
To tell you all these things inside
The beauty I no longer want to hide
Trusting yourself, the first step to be
Knowing inside is more then they see
You can not grow when controlled by fear
All you could be will disappear
Everyone's unique, with something to share
To protect yourself, you must use care
And let your soul glow inside
In yourself feel only pride
No one is perfect, but all can be
Full of potential fo all to see
Snowflakes fall, blanket the ground
Gentle breeze, blow them around
Frostbitten air chills the bone
Little children scurrying home
Comforting warmth welcomes them there
Warming soup and drying hair
Then out again into the cold
Bundled up right to their nose
This time to play before they grow
To old for Angels left in snow
Darkness looms all around
Pressing me into the ground
I can't get up, cannot breathe
All around nothing to see
Emptiness is up ahead
Behind all is fear and dread
Nothing more of life to see
Despair and pain won't let me be
Softly sheltered
Safe and warm
Grounded, surrounded
Safe from harm
To Greg
You're the one
Whose always been there
Leading me too
The warm spring air
Guiding me from
My pain filled shell
Slowly away
From my private hell
You've believed
In the person inside
When all I could do
Was run and hide
You reached beyond
The walls that were there
And gave my soul
It's first breath of ait
~as it says...this one is for Greg~