approximately 6,070 words

Generations (c)

by Mercedes Pecunia

I was born in the tiny village of San Cristobal near the capital of the Dominican Republic in 1898. My father was a merchant of various foreign goods and my mother, a housewife. Seven years later, my sister Luisa was born. I always watched over Luisa since she had always been a fragile child whom required lots of attention and supervision. Our mother had instructed that I was always to be in charge since I was the eldest. At the age of ten, I became Luisa's 'Mami'. Luisa idolized me and wanted to follow me everywhere, but she could never quite manage to do so since doing things for herself always posed quite a challenge. "Valeria, wait for me", she would call out. Her voice full of exasperation. I would patiently carry her places to stop her from whimpering.

Throughout Luisa's elementary school education, I would tutor her and teach her all the basic skills she needed. It took Luisa many months to finish just one calligraphy book when the other children in her class would get through the same book in a month and what seemed like an eternity to learn her multiplication tables by rote. For a time, I was really worried about her. It seemed as if she would learn something one day and forget it the very next day. To make matters worse, our father did not care for educated daughters and I could not get Luisa to learn things without complaining or telling father I was being cruel to her. I would secretly quiz her and force Luisa to recite the times tables whenever father was at work. Mother, on the other hand, just wanted me to care for Luisa so she did not mind my teachings. Luisa required a patient, but strict teacher and I discovered in time that I was not only most proficiently adequate for this vocation, but it offered a certain amount of personal fulfillment. Since college was not a requirement for an elementary school teacher then, once I completed Secondary School, I was offered a job teaching in town.

A couple of years later, father sat me by his side in the livingroom and announced I was to meet the man my parents had selected for me to marry. His name was Julio Oscar and he was the son of another merchant in the outskirts of town. I knew it would be useless to argue with father and besides I knew eventually, I would learn to love this man as every other woman had done before me. He was a medium-sized youth with dark deep-set brown eyes and a dark complexion. He had coarse black hair, which was always vaselined into submission in the latest fashion. I recall thinking and regretting the fact that our children would most likely inherit 'that hair'. He was wearing a white 'chacabana' and a pair of loosely fitting grey slacks. He seemed quite pleased to meet me and commented on how lovely I would look with my hair loose. I could not believe he had dared to say that. I was not the type of young woman to be prancing about with my hair loose down my back like some kind of harlot. Julio Oscar was twenty-two then and I was fifteen when we were married. To this day, I think father expedited the wedding so I would not continually coax Luisa to seek out an education. He would say, "a woman had no place needing to work if she married right". I knew that times were changing. In the United States, women were already working to support their families and to help along with the war. Father could not understand how they could allow this to happen. To him, this was a blatant display of anarchy. He always commented that if women were allowed to work, the order of the home would be disturbed and this was not good for any family. Could he not see that most of our servants were women? Was this not work? I knew it was only considered women's work and therefore not as trying or nearly as significant as what a man had to do.

In any case, Luisa remained living with mother and father as I moved into a roomy house in the middle of the town with my new husband. At sixteen, I had to quit teaching since I was expecting my first child. I would tutor out of our house until later into my pregnancy. Julito was a beautiful 6 lb. bouncy baby boy with clear blue eyes and light brown hair. Being a first time mother, I doted on the boy. And then, just like that, he fell ill with Pneumonia. The doctors said there was not anything they could do to save him since his lungs were filling with fluid quickly and in less than a week, he was gone. When I entered his room in the morning to give him his daily camphor rub as the doctor had prescribed, he was already cold and stiff. The doctor said he died during the night most likely chocking during sleep. Thankfully, he did not suffer.

I could not shake my depression for a long while and after many months of thinking I would go mad, I found solace in the Seventh Day Adventist Church. Julio Oscar was supportive at first, he noticed how much the Lord meant to me at a time like this and what a valuable source of understanding these people offered me at the worst time of my young life. I suppose he figured it would eventually pass. Every new day after my rebirth, was even more fulfilling than the last and I wanted to do everything possible to please God. He had helped me get through the death of my first and only child. I collected the weekly tithe and hand-delivered it myself to the church. I did not trust any of the servant girls to not dip into the envelope. Julio Oscar began to complain I was spending too much time at church and that he did not want so many people visiting the house. He began complaining about our monthly supply of food disappearing too rapidly. I did not dare tell him that in the afternoons while he was at work, I would invite the neediest townsfolks to get something to eat, but I think one of the servant girls betrayed my trust and told him everything; about the tithe, about the food and even the clothing.

I wanted to follow every doctrine precisely. I wanted to earn myself a place in heaven and be with my Julito one day because I knew that sweet little soul was waiting for me to join him. Our arguments became more frequent and I would spend many sleepless nights huddled by candlelight reading the Bible. Julio Oscar began giving me an allowance so I could shop at the market, but would no longer trust me to handle the monthly finances. He became enraged one evening when he questioned me on what I was doing with my weekly money and I responded it was not my fault there were so many destitutes in our town. He nearly exploded when I confessed I had lent Sra. Valencia our rent money for the month. I knew she would not be able to repay it, but the Lord would bless us as he always had and we would see our way through. We always did. Somehow the bills would get paid. Besides, I knew Julio Oscar had money hidden away in the bank; he just stubbornly refused to spend it. He suggested I began charging money for my tutoring services, but most of the children's parents were not able to afford buying them text books or uniforms so the children could attend school. What would happen to them if they did not even learn how to read or have a basic concept of mathematics?

The fateful day arrived that Julio Oscar presented me with a ridiculous ultimatum. He wanted me to choose between revering the Lord and being his wife. He actually threatened to abandon me. He looked at me for a few long minutes afterwards and that is when I think he was able to read what I was thinking by the expression on my face and lost control of himself. My defiance must have been very apparent. He began kicking the furniture and marched to our bedroom. He stood by the side of my bed and reached under my pillow and clutched my Bible in his blasphemous hand. I looked on in disbelief as he ran to the backyard and set the holy book afire. I could do nothing but follow him and repeatedly try to grab hold of his leg to prevent him from proceeding forward, but he managed to light fire and forcefully held me by my arms as I struggled to wiggle free and rescue the tome. I pleaded with him to release me, but he refused. He finally let go, but by then it was too late. There were no recognizable pages left, just smoky black cinders and some small melted fragments of the leather-like binding.

I had tried to be a good wife to him, but he was trying my patience quickly and I was beginning to lose faith in him and in the fact that our marriage could work. He could not force me to be someone I was not. I never denied him my body. I knew that was a sin in the Lord's eyes. He would come to my bed at night and fondle me over my nightgown. In turn, I would comply with his silent request and I never once turned away. The days seemed endless, I would go for aimless walks in the town and began visiting the church on less occasions.

I really tried to not disobey Julio Oscar more than I already had. I really wanted to keep our home a harmonious one. I began eating less and one day just merged into the next with an occasional night in between. There was no purpose to any of them, just the passing of time. I was just taking up space, but serving no real purpose. Sometimes, I could not help crying myself to sleep. Yet, at other times, the sleep would not come at all. I would wait for Julio Oscar to fall asleep first. After he was back in his own bed and I would hear him snoring, I would stare up into the night sky and the tears would well up in my eyes. The pain did not relinquish. I sometimes found myself staring at the rising sun while repose eluded me once again. On those nights, it was particularly difficult to rise in the morning and smile at the world, but I had obligations and life did go on whether I wanted it to or not.

My menstruation ceased and the doctor ordered me to eat more protein. He said I was wasting away. I went down to 90 lbs. then. He conducted a few tests, and a week later, said I was with child. I was a bit hesitant at first, it was a challenge to prepare myself emotionally for the birth of another child that might die. I prayed every night that my child would be born healthy and that it remained that way through a long happy life. I began sleeping soundly at night and Julio Oscar lost his interest in sex as my body increased in maternal mass. He began coming to bed much later than usual. I would usually be asleep by the time he came to bed. He would lock himself in his study and work into the night. I did not dare disturb him anymore. Our relationship had never been the same since Julito's demise.

One night, the baby inside me was particularly active and I could not manage to get comfortable. I looked out the window next to my bed, the one that faced the yard, and after a few minutes, I saw Julio Oscar sneaking through the darkness; pacing about lightly as to make the least amount of noise possible. He was walking briskly towards the house and I could see that the single lamp that had been on in the servant's quarters had now been extinguished as he made his exit. When he entered our bedroom, I could hear him struggling to catch his breath as he changed into his pajamas and rushed into his own bed. I could smell the other woman's musky scent emanating from him as he removed his clothing and laid it on the small stool of my vanity table which stood between us. I could not control my anger and bid him a good night, but remained immobile. He was painfully silent and now that I think about it, I do not recall hearing him snore at all that night.

The months passed quickly and one afternoon my water broke. I sent one of the servant girls to fetch the midwife. For six grueling hours, I pushed with everything I had to free the baby from my womb. I could see in the midwife's face that she had given up on me. She stepped out of the room and I overheard her tell Julio Oscar she was not certain that I was physically able to deliver such a large baby. What? I refused to let this one die one me. No, not another one. I screamed and pushed so hard that I could feel the burning from the ripping of my flesh as the baby's head surfaced. The midwife ran back into the room and helped me bring Amanda into the world. All of the townspeople came to visit us. They wanted to see our beautiful 11 lbs. baby girl. I do not think that until then Julio Oscar had realized how many of the townspeople knew and esteemed us.

Mother informed me Luisa married a fine young man from the town and had gone to live in Santo Domingo. Although I missed my sister terribly, I remained busy caring for my infant daughter. I promised myself I would visit her once the baby was old enough to begin walking.

Amanda was a strong and very hungry baby. She was a complainer and seemed to cry all the time. She was growing up beautifully. She was so intelligent and her father loved her so. Not long after, I was pregnant once again. Around the same time, one of the servant girls had fallen victim to a sly young man who left her carrying his child. She was too frightened to reveal the identity of the cad who had done this to her. Julio Oscar was furious. He said he did not want anymore mouths to feed. He sent the girl back to her family in the 'campo' and we never saw her again. God forgive me, but I often wondered who was the true father of that baby. I had pleaded with Julio Oscar to let the poor girl stay that we could raise the child as a playmate for Amanda, but he would not hear of it. He could not bear to look at the poor girl in her state and would lash out at her with trivial and sometimes unreasonable cruel requests whenever she entered the room. At the same time, his nightly outings to the servant's rooms had abruptly ceased. I secretly gave her some money and advised her to return to her village and perhaps later find work elsewhere. She thanked me for being kind to her as her big brown eyes filled with tears and her voice became nothing more than a chocked whisper. She gasped and fought to say "God will bless you" falling to the floor on her knees. I kneeled and wrapped my arms around her. Before she left, I gave her some of the clothing Amanda had outgrown for her little one and hoped they would be alright. I often thought of the girl and the baby afterwards, but never heard from then again.

In the Spring, I gave birth to Ramón, later came César, Hilda and finally Fello. I was now in my 30's and did not intend in having anymore children, but Leila surprised us with her arrival. Leila was a tiny whiny baby unlike the strong and rambunctious ones I had before. Leila refused the breast while my other children would suckle them dry. Fello fed until the age of four. I remember the day Fello refused to feed any longer; it happened on our trip to the dentist. I needed to have a molar extracted and we had to wait longer than usual. It was time for Fello's feeding so I held him up to my breast and covered him with a shawl I carried for this purpose. The dentist came out to the waiting area and directed me to sit down in the chair. Fello shyly trailed behind me and reached up to me once I had sat down. I picked him up sat him on my lap and offered him my breast once again. The dentist noticed Fello sitting under the shawl and commented, "Wow, that's a big boy. He is gonna bleed you dry." The dentist struggled for a few seconds to pull out the decaying tooth and in one final violent yank, I screeched as the tooth eased out. He held it up and inspected the bloody rotting molar that had been inflicting so much pain. Little Fello abruptly pushed himself away from me as he watched the dentist pull out the bloody gauze pad. I wanted to comfort him, but only managed to stain his little white shirt with a few drops of blood that had spilled from my mouth. I spit into the basin and rinsed and held my little boy close to my heart, but Fello had begun to cry inconsolably and from then on, he refused to feed from my breast.

My life with the children was a happy one. Julio Oscar was a good father and would spend his free time in the evenings at home now. The children were receptive to their daily lessons and learned quite effortlessly. Leila was a free spirit, stubborn to a fault and a bit quirky. She would often wander off on her way back home from school. Since she was the baby, her father spoiled her, she would only eat what she liked and would defy me at every turn. She used to tell me she hated me each time I punished her. She would go on hunger strikes until the doctor had to be called in to feed her intravenously. Out of all my children, I always worried about Leila the most. I could not relate to her. She never seemed to have her feet firmly planted on the ground. She went through life dreaming up romantic notions about the way life ought to be instead of concentrating on how life really was. Hilda on the other hand, was a beautiful young lady, but she came out looking more like her father's side of the family. His mother was a black woman. I always had to dress her up in fancy dresses and shoes so that the neighbors would not confuse her for a servant's child. I did not want any of my children to be ostracized. Hilda was my most affectionate child. She always remained by my side and would volunteer to help me with the daily chores.

Ramón married a very pretty young Cuban girl named Teresa. She had escaped from Castro's dictatorship and was hiding on our island. Ramón had enlisted in the army and had achieved officer status. He was working for the President in the palace at the time and requested that Teresa's citizenship be expedited. Teresa was working in a movie theater when Ramón met her. They fell in love and after a short six months courtship, they got married. Their first child was a littled girl named Lila. César married Olga, the daughter of a prominent banker in the town, but their marriage did not last very long. Olga bore him twins, a boy and a girl, but left with the children once the marriage was dissolved. Olga never contacted us for financial help for the children. It seemed that she just fell off the face of the earth. César was too proud to admit he had hired a private detective to find Olga and the kids, but the search was fruitless.

Hilda married a handsome young man from Santo Domingo. I did not trust this Alejandro. He always seemed as if he had some hidden agenda as if he never was entirely honest about things and to top it all off, he was a traveling salesman. There was no money peddling wares from door to door. I warned Hilda about her fiancee, but she insisted she was in love and that they would be able to support themselves. After a long courtship and many rumors of his countless infidelities, she finally agreed to marry him.

Fello had married Ana Otilia, daughter of one of the two embalmers in our town. She was a very strong-willed woman, too strong-willed for poor skinny and complacent Fello, but he too, was in love and would follow his heart. I knew this type of woman would never allow my son to be the man of the house, but instead would dictate his every move, but I did not want to overstep my bounds. Then, Amanda met Carlos and married him shortly after. She was the oldest daughter and felt the type of anxiety the oldest daughter does when she is one of the last to be married. She was a lovely large-framed, but rather opinionated woman. However, when she met Carlos, she toned down her rebellious attitude and insisted they wed right away. Leila was the only one still living at home. She was now in her late 20's and as rebellious as ever. Her farther bought her a lime green Cadillac, which she drove tirelessly. She had a pet poodle named Baby, which was treated like a child instead of a pet. It once chewed up the upholstery of the back seat and instead of getting rid of the little pest, Leila simply coddled it and asked her father to fix the damage. She got her way. Then, she began associating with the local revolutionaries and managed to land herself in jail during a protest at the UASD campus in the middle of the capital.

Trujillo was forcefully taking over the country and the island was in turmoil. Everyone was frightened of his strong military influence, but those that spoke out, would mysteriously disappear. This was the era when silence was golden. Because Ramón had been such a Vásquez loyalist and was highly opposed to Trujillo's overbearing tactics and secret assassinations, we were smuggled off the island and taken to Washington, D.C. in the United States. Ramón was considered a traitor among Trujillo's stolen and traitorous army and his life as well as ours were in great danger. Even the lime green Cadillac came with us. My husband and I traveled with Ramón and Teresa, their daughter and baby son, Amanda, who was now a widow, and of course, Leila. We were guests of the Dominican Embassy in Washington for about two years. Ramón and his family eventually returned back home, but Leila and I went onto New York after Julio Oscar died of heart failure before we even left Washington.

Ramón had given us some money to establish ourselves and rent an apartment when we got to New York. We had enough to rent an apartment by the week on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, right off Broadway. I began babysitting the neighborhood kids and tutored after school hours. Leila was hired in a meat packing plant in Flushing, Queens County as a wrapper. Amanda, who had severe back problems and a five year old daughter named after me to tend to, worked odd jobs, sold wares from home, sold baked goods, knitted and tailored clothing, made 'pasteles' and anything else she could muster in order to be able to make ends meet. Leila worked long hours and would help me with the bills. Eventually, Amanda rented a studio apartment on the same floor as ours for her and her daughter.

Leila and Amanda argued constantly since our apartment was still in Amanda's name and Leila was always reminded of this fact. At the time, Amanda was the only one with a green card and so all the utilities and the lease itself was under her name. Leila resented this tremendously, but once Amanda moved out, things settled somewhat and their relationship improved. However, it did not take much to commence a loud screaming match on any give day between them.

I rejoined the church. In some ways I felt guilty because Julio Oscar was no longer there making sure I did not give away all our money to the church. Back then, going to church had become a guilty pleasure and it was hard for me to release the shame associated with it, maybe it was my way to hold onto Julio Oscar's memory. I am not exactly certain. All I know is that I did miss him terribly and I felt very lost in this new City without my partner of 40 years. I was in my 60's now and Leila wanted to marry Teresa's brother. Teresa's brother was a balding gambler and a drinker. He was not very handsome at all and whined a lot. I prayed she would not go through with this mistake, but she defied me once again. She took a day off from work, went down to City Hall and married the parasite. When she returned home that evening she would not speak to me, but I knew what she had done. I asked her to sit beside me and gave her advice on how to make a marriage work. I told her the truth instead of the unrealistic expectations women often have from watching too many movies. She was attentive and during my lecture, she began crying and confessed to having eloped. I forgave her and told her that now she had a responsibility to her husband. She was to take care of him and so she called him on the telephone and announced she was on her way home to him. She gave me a hug and a kiss farewell and it was the last time I expected to see her for many weeks, perhaps even months.

It did not take longer than a week when Leila used her key to let herself in to our apartment. I could tell by her expression she was very upset. She was wet from the rain and she had placed the small suitcase at the foot of the couch she had taken with her when she decided to move out with her new husband. I knew what this meant, but asked her what had transpired. She was vague with the details, but relayed she did not want to be married to him any longer, that he was a gambler and a drunk. I was tempted to tell her the old "I told you so", but instead began:

"Leila, please think long and hard about this. If you have really made up your mind, we can get the marriage annulled, but I think you should try to give your marriage a try. You don't get married every day and marriage is hard work. It isn't easy to make a marriage work. I don't like Marino, but I do think you should think carefully about this."

Again, she refused to listen to reason and we had the marriage annulled.

A year later, she met a young man in a movie theater in Washington Heights. He was from El Salvador and worked at a fur manufacturer in the Garment District laundering pelts. Leila fell head over heels over this man. He had been married before in his country and although he would not disclose the details of his previous union, I knew he was hiding something. He would become very defensive when asked about his former wife or if he had any children back home. To me, this meant he had a family that he wanted to forget about. Obviously, this was a man that could not be relied upon. He tried to offer me beer on many occasions saying a beer now and again was not going to hurt me. I found him to be disrespectful and full of himself. I again advised Leila against making another terrible mistake, but again, she would not heed my warning telling me she was her own woman and was an adult. I was tempted to tell her that I knew she was an adult, but since she was still acting like a selfish child, I would treat her as such. I decided against it and let her learn through her own experiences. Before long, she was married again, but this time, she became pregnant. Every time I saw her she looked tired and preoccupied. I was worried about her and inquired as to how her marriage was going. She would say everything was fine with teary eyes and nothing more. I knew she was keeping a secret, but did not want to be accused once again of interfering in her personal affairs so I allowed her to reveal her burden in her own time.

Through her pregnancy, I had warned her against drinking so much wine. She would say it relaxed her. I tried not to be judgmental, but was worried that she was drinking much more than she was letting on. When she was a teenager, she used to take her father's bottles into her room and dilute them. I punished her repeatedly for it and she always swore she was innocent, but I knew better. I was more worried she was slowly developing a lifelong self-destructive habit. And now, seeing her defend her own bottle so vehemently, did nothing but to reassure I had been correct in my prior assessment. The child was born healthy, but a bit underweight. Leila was distraught that she was not allowed to bring her child home. Leila developed a high fever while in the hospital and her and the child were confined to a full week in the hospital without being able to visit each other. While in the hospital, the child gained an additional 2 lbs. This poor child brought tears to my eyes. She was so tiny and could be carried with a single hand. She had all types of wires and tubes coming out of her. Luckily, the Lord blessed her and the child thrived steadily afterwards.

I received a letter from Ana Otilia. She was worried about Fello. He was steadily losing weight, drinking too much, not coming home at night and spending way too much money during his nightly gambling outings. She wrote that the doctor had warned him regarding the damage he was doing to his liver, but Fello would not give up his usual lifestyle. I wrote her back and offered my support, but my hands were tied. I could not travel without a green card and I could not leave my other children because Fello wanted to be unruly. Shortly after, she called me on the phone and informed me Fello had begun going to church, but he still was sneaking off now and again. She was confident that the Lord would help her husband. We prayed together over the expansive distance and I then hung up the phone feeling somewhat better about Fello's current situation.

I received another letter. This one was from Luisa. Her husband had died and had left her the house and business. Her children ran the business and had moved out of the house to form homes of their own. Luisa felt lonely and wanted to come to New York to be with me, but I advised her against it. Although I had not seen my sister in many years, we were struggling to stay afloat and what could another old woman past her working years offer to our household, but to become a burden. Of course, I did not reveal this fact to Luisa, instead I reasoned how much better off she would be closer to her children.

The years passed and Leila's daughter, Meche was growing up beautifully. She loved playing with the other children I cared for and would attentively sit through my countless lessons. By the age of three, she knew all the capitals and presidents of the Latin American countries. She was born a citizen and Leila had high hopes for her. However, Leila began spending more time out with friends and gambling at the local bingo parlor. She was borrowing money from the neighbors and begun coming home intoxicated more often. Sometimes, she would fumble with her keys at the door and would lose control of her bladder in the hallway. She had an awkward and absent approach to motherhood. I think the child picked up on this and always seemed disappointed when Leila returned home from work. Leila would never pick up of cuddle with the child, she would just show her the latest toy or piece of clothing she had purchased for her. Meche would politely thank her and subtly move away from her. Leila would then dress for another evening out and I would feed Meche her dinner.

When my green card finally came through, I went to the doctor. I had not been feeling well for quite some time. He said I had Diabetes and High Blood Pressure. I had to change my eating habits drastically. It was no salt bread, bland food, and plenty of fruits and vegetables. This diet was much more expensive than I had anticipated, but as long as I followed it, I did not have to take insulin. I managed to keep my Diabetes controlled for many years, but then the doctor informed me they had to amputate my left foot because it had become gangrenous. Again, I prayed to the Lord for guidance. Before I knew it, I had lost both legs at the thigh, suffered a stroke that entirely paralyzed my left arm. I was now an invalid, sedated to subdue the constant pain. There was a parade of physical therapists, nurses and home attendants to care for Valeria, the invalid; Valeria, the useless; Valeria, the burden to everyone around her. I needed round-the-clock care and could not do anything for myself. This was no life, but it was what the Lord had destined for me so I would be content with this state until he was ready to be merciful with me and let me rest in peace.

Rest in Peace!

Mother died on February 12^th, 1988. Her home attendant had returned with her from the doctor's office, but it was just a matter of time before she would be gone. He said there was nothing he could do for her, but to wait for her to pass. At around 7:00 pm that evening, she said her good bye's as if she knew she would die that very night and in a few hours, she was gone. Her blood pressure had steadily nose-dived, her vomit had turned black until eventually her heart gave out. I began crying. I could not believe that after so many years my mother was really gone!

My teenage daughter entered the room. I had wanted to name her after my own mother, but her father had insisted we name her after his mother and grandmother. She became Meche Virginia and not Valeria Virginia if I would have had it my way. Meche had gained too much weight for a girl of eighteen, but was an attractive girl nonetheless. She had short wavy brown hair like her father, his round face; in fact, she had always looked just like him and was a constant reminder of the man that had left me so many years before.