992) I will not allow Strider's poor hygiene to escalate to the point that he must be restrained and slammed with a garden hose. -Rei
993) I will not mention how convenient it is that many ME songs rhyme in both their original language as well as Westron. -Rei
994) I do not party with the Mirkwood Elves. -Rei
995) Dwarves do not suck ankle blood. -Rei
996) Elrond is not the big brother, Thranduil is not the baby, and Celeborn is not the disgruntled middle child. -Rei
997) Arwen is not a klepto. -Rei
998) I will not ask Saruman for the name of his manacurist. -Lindsay
999) I will not yell, "Hobbit orgy!" when Merry and Pippin jump into Frodo's bed. -Lindsay
1000) Gollum does not look like a bus. -Lindsay
1001) Arwen did not steal Glorfindel's horse. -Lindsay
1002) "Le abdollen" is not Elvish for "Throw me down, and shag me rotten." -Lindsay
1003) I will not attempt to find the correct Elvish translation of the above phrase. -Rei
1004) Gandalf and Dumbledore are not related. -Lindsay
1005) However, they were in the same year at Hogwarts. -Rei
1006) I will not giggle at the dramatic parts in a crowded theatre. -Lindsay
1007) Sauron and Saruman were not Slytherins. -Rei
1008) Figwit is not my secret lover. -Rei
1009) Figwit is not the eunuch in charge of guarding Legolas' chastity.
1010) There are ways of dismounting a horse other than falling off. -Rei
1011) ...Which do not require using the elf as a stepladder.
1012) "Glorfindel" is not a girl's name. -Rei
1013) The horse's name is Asfaloth, not "Ass-Fell-Off." -Rei
1014) I will not cast the Fellowship in other great works of literature. -Rei
1015) But if I do, I will not make Legolas be Juliet. -Rei
1016) There is no hollow tree, there are no cookies, and none of the Elves are named "Keebler." -Rei
1017) Just because Haldir technically is a knight in shining armor doesn't mean he'll be rescuing any damsels. -Rei
1018) Though he gets his pick of the Rohirrim.
1019) I will not hold an intervention when I find out my friend has never read the books. -Rei
1020) I will not fall for lame April Fools jokes. -Rei
1021) I will not formulate complex plans to get cast as an extra in "The Hobbit." -Rei
1022) Nor will I recruit others to carry out said plans. -Rei
1023) Unless it sounds really, really fun.
1024) I will not ask the Elf and Dwarf for a threesome. -Rei
1025) And if they refuse, my backup request will not be "How 'bout just the Dwarf?" -Rei
1026) If I persist in asking such questions, I deserve to end up with that arrow shoved up my nose.
1027) I will not flaunt my jewelry in front of Petty-Dwarves. -Rei
1028) Three lousy beads did not require all that fuss. -Rei
1029) I will not sell "I Survived the Kin-slaying" T-shirts. -Rei
1030) Celebrimbor was not a pedophile. -Rei
1031) I will not bleach Elrohir and Elladan's hair and make them wear it in dreadlocks. -Rei
1032) Dwarves do not appreciate being called "snugglebunny." -Rei
1033) Legolas is not fluent in Khuzdul. -Rei
1034) He only knows the naughty words. -Rei
1035) The Sirmarils did not deserve their own book. -Rei
