25th September 2008
Suing the Volcano
So, they wanted a fire, did they? Well, he�d show them. He was about to give them a fire they would never forget! And everything was set, ready to go. All he had to do was light it.
He struck his flints together, once, twice. The spark caught in the carefully laid dry brush, gave a little smoke. He puffed on it expertly, and the flames caught, licking their way up the timber, starting the blaze roaring. He stood up.
�There we go everyone. A perfect bonfire for tonight. One that you�ll never forget!�
Everyone cheered him. It truly was the most merry blaze they had ever seen.
�Ah, Sparky,� said the Captain, standing next to him, �this really is the best fire you�ve ever made.�
�Yes, I�m rather proud of it,� replied Sparky. �A good bonfire is the best way to spend a night before setting off on another adventure. There�s only one thing that could be better.�
�What�s that?�
�Four new Red Dwarf shows. Two of them being truly canonical, reuniting the cast in their roles. The other two being very special specials, one of a show telling about how they made the new episodes, another being a type of clip show that we�ve never seen before, all being broadcast on UKTV G2.�
�Dave,� interjected the Captain.
�Who?�
�I don�t know. It just popped into my head when you said UKTV G2.�
�Maybe you�re thinking of Dave Lister.�
�Possibly. Anyway, let�s enjoy tonight. Tomorrow we go searching for a lost volcano!�
�I�m with you there, Captain. Andrew! Josh! Crack out the jungle juice!�
* * * * * * * * * *
When the Captain awoke with a splitting headache, he realised this time it really was from the jungle juice. The great bonfire of the previous night was barely smoking, Chef Cloud was stoking it with a stick to start preparing breakfast, a large sack of peas and other assorted odds and ends nearby. Oh, what he�d give for a good cup of coffee!
Chef Cloud had started brewing something which he referred to as coffee. He�d only tried it once. He supposed the smell should have warned him, but he was so grateful for a steaming mug of that potent, exotic brew that he�d immediately swallowed a large gulp. He now understood why they called it �the runs.� He had to run to the latrine pits faster than a world record sprinter! However, Chef Cloud sincerely loved it, and drank great gallons of the stuff any time he got a chance. He was going to enquire just exactly what the ingredients were after he�d spent all morning purging his stomach (and his other end,) but thought better of it. There are some things best left unknown.
Christien plonked down on the sand next to him. �So, we�re off to find out what happened to the volcano today. You know, it�s strange, but I can�t recall the first time we visited it.�
�A few people have said that. As I recall, not everyone partook of that first exploration we did. You must have been in the group that stayed here at the beach.�
�You must be right. A few people have told me that you ran into a dinosaur there! I hope we don�t meet it again.�
�Well, we won�t meet that one. We ate it!�
�Captain,� said Sanja, sitting next him with Muz, �what was the trip like to the volcano?�
�Well, that first time it was quite an arduous trek, taking some time to make it. However, I get the feeling that this time around we�ll find the journey much easier, arriving in what seems like an instant.�
�Why do you think that?� asked Muz.
�Because that�s how it always works in stories. The first time is always the hardest, but after awhile such things are too commonplace to waste too much time on. I guess we�ve become more experienced, too.�
�Breakfast is served,� said Chef Cloud, arriving carrying several plates of � something � and a few steaming half coconut shells. He offered one of the coconut shells to the Captain. �Coffee? It�s got peas in it.�
�Um, no thanks, Chef Cloud.�
�Suit yourself,� the Chef replied, and downed a big gulp of the hot liquid.
Breakfast passed cheerfully, if uneventfully, and preparations for the journey were quickly made. The castaways all assembled on the beach at the head of the path that lead off into the jungle, Bluebeard, astride Fluffy, ready to break the trail, the Captain by his side. With laughter and idle chatter, the party set off.
The trip passed quickly. Chef Cloud was constantly dashing off the path to pick this, catch that, take into possession whatever he thought would cook up well. Which was pretty much anything he saw. He had roped Simon H, Goldy and Stu into carrying sacks of his purloinings. Aimi was busily telling those adventures who had missed the first few expeditions about the wonder and mystery of Aimi�s Cave, and Dr Keir was scouting about looking for exotic herbs, picking plants up, examining them, smelling them, then casting them away. Chef Cloud was ready to catch each one before it hit the ground and add it to his sack. A mild argument broke out when Dr Keir realised, stating that a great many of the plants he had examined were quite deadly. Chef Cloud countered that most of the things he cooked were probably already deadly anyway. The doctor subsided at that argument.
�Argh, me hearties!� cried Bluebeard. �The site of the volcano be full ahead, just yon of the bend.� He spurred Fluffy into a soft canter and headed around the path.
As the head of the party came around the final turn, they were dumbfounded into utter stillness, causing the rear of the group, hurrying along, to crash into them. However, no one said a word about the spill as their eyes beheld an amazing sight.
Spread before them was a large circular grassy plain, perfectly flat, maybe two miles across. The grass looked to be perfectly manicured, as if prime turf had been laid down and expertly mowed and cared for. The castaways started to kick off their makeshift shoes and revel in the feel of the lush, soft grass beneath their feet, unlike any of the tough, hard grasses they had encountered on the island. There was something in the very middle of the plain, not easy to make out, but the sun caught and sparkled as if off metal.
The castaways stood in mute silence for some time. �Well,� said the Captain, �of all the unexpected things I tried to imagine we�d find here, this was certainly not one of them.�
�I wish I�d brought a palm leaf,� said Penny. �This grass is so beautiful. It would be perfect for sliding on.�
�And it will be perfect for seasoning,� said Chef Cloud as he straightened up from a crouch, chewing.
�Talkie seems to like the grass, too,� chimed in Robert. He had placed the stone toaster on the lawn.
�Does he?� asked Sanja. �How do you know?�
�Listen,� replied Robert. �What do you hear?�
Sanja cocked her head to one side for a long moment. �I don�t hear anything.�
�Exactly! He�s not complaining. Ergo, he�s enjoying himself.�
�But what is that at the centre of the field?� asked Aimi.
�It�s hard to tell from here,� said Christien. �We�ll need to approach it.�
A cloud moved over the sun. The mood of the party seemed to evaporate. The Captain felt a shiver run up his spine. �I don�t know,� he said, �but suddenly I get a strange feeling about this place. I�m not sure we should go out into the centre.�
�But Captain,� said Christien, �we�ve come all this way. We can�t turn back now.�
�I do have to agree with Christien,� said Dr Keir. �It�s good to confront your fears head on. Burying them down will only lead them to resurface in your subconscious, causing you mental trauma. On the other hand, then you�ll all be coming more regularly to my therapy room. Hmm, yes, let�s all turn back and run right now! By the way, did I mention that a therapy session has gone up to two coconuts?�
�Come on, everyone!� cried Christien. �Where�s your sense of adventure? After everything we�ve been through on the island, you can�t just leave without finding out what�s there!�
The Captain took a deep breath, shook himself. �You are right. We have to see what�s at the centre of Christien�s Field. Well, let�s do it.�
As the group set out, the cloud moved on and the sun returned, beating down on everyone�s back and sending some warmth, and courage, into their bones. Christien and Dr Keir were leading, with Bluebeard and the ever faithful Fluffy following, carefully on guard. The blur in the centre of Christien�s Field began to take shape.
�It�s a wooden structure!� cried Christien, every step bringing it further into focus. �Four steps leading up to a small platform with a low railing around it. There�s a pole at the opposite end with something metallic on top of it. It looks like. . . no, it can�t be. It is! It�s a telescope! One of those nasty little coin operated things you get at lookouts which chew up your money and are impossible to see anything through!�
As they approached, the castaways could see that Christien was indeed right. They reached the lookout, barely six feet wide. Christien and Dr Keir were the first onto the platform.
�Hey, there�s a plaque on this side of the telescope,� said Dr Keir.
�What�s it say?� asked Christien, on the other side.
�Twenty five cents. Property of the Sioux Lookout Chamber of Commerce. If problems occur, please telephone 737-1937.�
�What? What on Earth is that about?� Christien looked completely perplexed.
�I have absolutely no idea what it means, but strangely I feel like I�ve read this before somewhere,� replied Dr Keir, a frown pulling his too good looking features down.
�Argh,� said Bluebeard, sitting high on Fluffy. �There be something near your feet, Christien.�
Christien bent down and picked up a small disc. �It�s very dirty, I can�t tell what it is.� She started rubbing it with her shirt. �I can see an animal�s head. Some antlers. I think it�s a caribou. Some writing, too. C, a, n, a, d. . . it�s a Canadian twenty five cent piece!�
�That�s a bit of luck!� cried Aimi. �We can use the telescope.�
�A rather suspicious piece of luck,� mused the Captain. �That�s the second coin we�ve found. Do we really want to use it? I think we should have a vote.�
�I don�t,� said Christien, and dropped the money into the slot. The telescope started a mechanical ticking. �This is just what we need to find out about our surroundings,� she said as she put her eye to the end of the instrument.
She was silent as he searched, slowly looping the telescope around on its pivot. �What do you see?� asked Dr Keir excitedly.
�Hmm,� she replied. �Trees. Lots of trees. I suppose I didn�t really think this through.� There was a metallic clunk and the ticking stopped. The coin fell onto the deck. �Ah, there�s no coin box! We can keep using it!� She redeposited the coin and searched again. �Still just trees. I can see the whole edge of the clearing, just closer.�
�Let me take a look,� said Dr Keir as the coin fell on the ground again. He also swung the instrument around on its pivot. �She�s right, just trees.�
�Well, it�s getting late,� said the Captain. �I suggest we set up camp here for the night.�
The castaways started settling down, and taking turns to climb up onto the lookout and stare through the telescope. Sparky lit another unforgettable fire, and Chef Cloud rummaged through his sacks eagerly, muttering out loud about tonight�s menu.
Sanja was using the telescope when the sun reached a spot just above the tree line behind them. The entire clearing was lit with a beautiful red glow. �Hey, I can see something!� she cried. �Straight ahead to the east. It looks like a stone archway. Here, Sparky, take a look.�
Sparky, standing next to her, peered through the eye piece. �I can�t see anything, just the edge of the jungle.�
�You can�t see the wood for the trees,� said Aimi.
�The problem�s clearing,� he replied. He swung the telescope to the left. �Hang on, I can see something to the north. It�s an archway, too, but it seems to be made out of wood. Can you see it?� he asked Sanja, passing the telescope to her.
�No, she replied, �but I can still see the one to the east.�
�What�s going on?� questioned Muz, climbing the stairs. �Let me take a look.� Sanja moved aside for him. He swung the telescope both left and straight ahead. �No, I can�t see either of the things you were talking about. Maybe the light was playing tricks on you.� He turned the telescope to the right. �Wait! I can see something to the south. Another archway. It looks like it�s made out of some type of metal.�
The sun dipped below the trees and Christien�s Field was cast into shadow. �It�s gone now, I can�t see it anymore. What about you?� he asked the others. They both looked again, confirming that they, too, had lost their targets.
�So,� announced the Captain, �it appears that once again, eerily, we have arrived at yet another three way decision. Those archways are just too obvious to ignore. Plus it seems our latest adventure is drawing to a close. Another vote is at hand, fellow Dwarfers. Shall we go east to Sanja�s stone arch, north to Sparky�s wooden arch, or south to Muz�s metal arch?�
The Captain lay looking at the stars while everyone started discussing the possibilities, Bluebeard settling down nearby. �It�s strange, Bluebeard, but even the constellations seem different here. Although that one actually seems to be Orion, I don�t recognise any of the others.�
Bluebeard pointed to a very bright star straight above. �But surely that�s not Sirius.�
�It is Sirius, and don�t call me Shirley.�
�Argh, by the Seven Seas, the bottom of the barrel is really being dragged now for humour!�
Suddenly Fluffy expelled an enormous fart. Everyone fell about laughing.
Where shall the castaways explore?
A � East to Sanja�s stone arch?
B � North to Sparky�s wooden arch?
C � South to Muz�s metal arch?
Vote now! A, B or C!