29th May 2006
The trail of the sphenisthrope
"And by sheer coincidence, the sound seems to be coming from that path," said Sparky, who hated to be ignored, pointing.
"Look," said Keith, "even though I did my song and dance number, I'm not really sure just what's going on. I feel like I've missed something."
"Well, it's all quite simple, really," said Sparky. "A mysterious benefactor, whose identity remains a mystery, gathered all we webboarders up and stuck us on an aeroplane to take us to an unknown destination for reasons not yet discovered. Along the way the plane crashed and we fetched up here on this seemingly deserted island, which isn't actually as deserted as it first appears. Bluebell quickly befriended a giant rhino, which he named Fluffy. Fluffy's sex is ambiguous, being referred to as both male and female. After setting ourselves up comfortably on the beach and starting several businesses, we went off to explore the central volcano, soon named after our lovely Wendoline. On our journey we encountered our first stranger, searching for his lost friend, Wilson, who quickly disappeared. Not long after that, we encountered our first dinosaur. We all received letters which divided us into three teams, which have been of little use so far, and then the Captain produced a treasure map. A flip of a discovered Singaporean coin sent us off on a treasure hunt, during which we discovered an incredible cave, which has since been named for Aimi. Instead of treasure, we found a strange note from one Yellowbeard, seemingly a cryptic warning about something. On our way back to the beach to open the remaining crates from the plane crash, we met another person, who had some important message for us. Unfortunately, before he could pass it on to us, when we opened one of the crates some face hugging creature grabbed hold of him and deposited a penguin like embryo within him, which soon burst out of his chest and went scurrying off into the jungle. We went out to hunt this creature. During the hunt, we heard distant drumming and found a ball with hair named Wilson, which Beck is still carrying around. We lost Andrew, found him again, you did that wonderful song and dance number, we discovered Andrew was a sphenisthrope, or wereflibble, then we decided to find the source of the drums. Along the way various people have unaccountably developed special skills - Fred and Fox can fish, Tutahunter can hunt, Bluebeard can befriend rhinos and be a pirate, Larry is a perfect slingshot, Doctor Keir has become a medical all rounder, you are a good cartographer and singer and dancer, Andrew and Josh are brewers, Fabi and Stu are Morris dancers, the Captain's dreams are insightful, and I'm sure there are more to be discovered. On top of everything are the repeated numbers 1937, 737 and 42. Some people have the feeling that our destiny is being controlled by someone else, and the same power seems to be keeping us away from Wendoline's Volcano, even though we keep talking about it. And here we are. Rather commonplace happenings, really."
"Oh, yes," replied Keith, with a sardonic expression, "sheer commonplace."
* * * * * * * * * * *
It was very strange, thought the Captain. Time seemed to have no meaning here. Had they been here for three hours or three years? Sometimes days seemed to flash past in minutes, and other times there seemed to be an interminable stretch between mere instants. How were Mrs D and the Juniors D getting along? Had he missed the FA Cup Final? Was it Summer or Winter? He just couldn't tell anymore, the concept of time had completely slipped away from him.
Anyway, they seemed to be getting closer to the source of the drums; they were definitely getting louder. Tuta seemed to be having a great time of it, he thought with a laugh, leading the castaways on the trail, a master hunter at work. Bluebeard had found a wonderful niche, fulfilling a classic cliche with style. Doctor Keir was in his element. In fact, everyone seemed to have found their place on the island except himself. Why did he still feel a disquiet greater than their situation demanded?
His musings were interrupted by Tutahunter holding up his hand for a holt. The drums were very loud and near now. "Just through these trees," he said, straightening up.
"Okay then," announced the Captain quietly, "we all go through together. Ready? One, two. . . THREE!"
The castaways burst through the trees into a large clearing and a sight not one of them were expecting. They faced a primitive village, mud huts with straw rooves, vines, a large bonfire burning in the middle. The houses were decorated with skulls, which looked disturbingly like human's, although hopefully distance was creating that illusion. Sitting over the bonfire was an exceptionally large pot with steam rising from it, and surrounding it was the source of the drumming they had been searching for - a score or more of wooden drums. But the biggest surprise lay in the appearance of the drummers and their companions. There were maybe a hundred and a half of them. They were pygmies, about waist high, wearing grass skirts and necklaces of bones, which were clattering in the stillness as both parties regarded each other, and they were painted from head to foot in a crimson ochre.
"I don't believe it," said a stunned Captain. "Red Dwarfs!"
His words broke the stillness. Suddenly, the entire village erupted and streamed towards the castaways. The Captain, like everyone else, was still stunned. He saw a particularly nasty looking pygmy running straight towards him, wielding a large stick. The last thing he notice as the stick swung towards him was that they were indeed human skulls decorating the huts.
* * * * * * * * * * *
His head ached, yet strangely he felt quite warm and calm. As he opened his eyes, the Captain started to remember what had happened, and awakened fully with a start. All the other castaways were crowded close around him, mostly awake now, but looking frightened. He discovered the source of the warm feeling that was enveloping him, looking down into steaming water, almost up to his neck. Floating around the castaways were an assortment of vegetables - carrots, potatoes, peas. Looking slightly further he realised that they were all in the great pot which was sitting in the middle of the village. The drums were beating again now, and the pygmies were dancing and chanting strange ritualistic rites.
"This can't be happening!" said Aimi. "I don't want to be cooked!"
"It's absolutely barbaric," moaned Cloud. "They haven't even peeled the potatoes! They mean to boil everything! Have they no taste? And the peas! I've had peas b-fo!"
"I could have wished they'd left the damn animal out!" said Keir.
"Arrgh, Fluffy is being a loyal rhino," said Bluebeard, patting the offending beast, who was remarkably also crammed in the pot with them all.
"I guess the main thing is," said the Captain, "how are we going to get out of this one?" He watched as a pygmy ground up some pepper over the lip of the pot, dipping his finger in the water and then to his mouth, smacking his lips with approval of the taste.
"It doesn't look good," said Penny. "I thought I might be able to slide out of here on a cardboard box, but I'm afraid the water would only make it soggy. Not to mention that I don't actually have a cardboard box."
Suddenly, there was a howl-squeak from the direction of the jungle, and the sound of something smashing through the undergrowth. The branches on the edge of the clearing erupted, and a penguin wearing a cute little bow tie and with glowing red eyes launched into the clearing. The pygmies took one look at it and dropped everything, running screaming into the jungle in the opposite direction.
The castaways didn't know if they should be relieved or not. The penguin turned to look at them and started towards the pot, with a strange movement somewhere between a waddle and a bound. It reached the kettle and gave it an almighty push, tipping it over and spilling all the castaways safely onto the ground - safely except for Sparky, who landed rump first on Fluffy's horn, much to the great amusement of the others. Then the penguin fell into convulsions on the ground.
"It saved our lives," said Jenn, "and it's so sweet!"
"Sweet?" asked Wendoline incredulously.
"Yes. I feel strangely attracted to it. Oh, can't anyone help it?"
"No, I think it would be best just to give it room so it doesn't hurt itself," said Doctor Keir.
A strange sensation gripped the castaways, a sort of magical chill in the air. The penguin seemed to shimmer in the dappled sunlight shining down through the trees, its form changing. There was a flash, and a human shape now lay where the penguin once was.
"It's Andrew!" said the Captain, also noticing how he was, strangely enough, decently dressed, despite the recent transformation. Oh well, that's how it always was in those old movies!
"I don't believe it," said Doctor Keir, "Andrew is the sphenisthrope, the original werepenguin!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The castaways had settled down as the sun was beginning to set, Andrew already soundly asleep. A few had wandered off to explore the village. Tutahunter gave a yell from near the jungle's edge, and several others dashed over to see what was up.
"Look at this!" he announced.
Before him was a hut quite unlike the others. Its design was almost of higher architecture, made of stone rather than mud bricks, polished to a gleam in the red setting sunlight, columns mounted with Doric capitols surrounding the entire structure. Yet, in contrast, the building's windows were covered by a series of wooden louvre blinds.
"But wait 'till you see what's inside!" said Tuta.
They walked in and were stunned at what they beheld. The walls were covered with paintings of the highest calibre, each one a meticulous work of art in oils, surmounted by gilded frames.
"I know these works," said Doctor Keir, looking around excitedly. "These paintings are all by Leonardo DaVinci! This has to mean something!"
"On, no!" said Simon, angrily. "No, no, no, no, no! We've had some silly things happen while we've been stuck on this island, much of it very familiar in some sort of plagiaristic way, but Dan Brown? No way! I refuse to go down this path!"
"I must agree heartily with Simon on this one," said Keith. "There are limits to good taste."
"Well, I'm glad for that," said an anonymous voice, "as I haven't found Wilson yet. I don't want to go traipsing around looking for lost codes!"
"Oh, very well," sighed Keir as they all left the building.
"Anyway, the big question is," said the Captain as they reached the others, "what do we do now? We've reached the end of this chapter without any open plot possibilities for us to vote on."
"There you go talking again about stories!" accused Stu.
"Um, sorry," apologised the Captain.
"We have to try and find a way to cure Andrew," said Jenn.
"I'm not sure if that's possible," said Doctor Keir. "I have the feeling that he's always been a sphenisthrope, but we've only just found out after spending such a long time alone with him."
"All the same, I'd like to search for a cure for him at Wendoline's Volcano," replied Jenn.
"Why there?" asked the Captain.
"Why not?"
"Good point. Any other suggestions?"
"Hey, that voice we heard in the louvred art museum," said Doctor Keir suddenly. "Wasn't that the stranger we first encountered here?"
"So it was!" stated Simon. "I think he headed off towards to beach."
"Which leaves Aimi's Cave!" piped up Aimi. "We still haven't explored that mysterious place thoroughly yet!"
"Well then," said the Captain., "the matter is concluded, and again we have a choice of three possibilities. Do we go to Wndoline's Volcano to look for a cure for Andrew's wereflibbleness, do we head towards the beach trying to track down our mysterious stranger - keeping in mind that Beck has found his lost friend Wilson and been carrying him around for all this time - or do we explore Aimi's Cave because we haven't?"
What will the castaways do next?
A - Search Wendoline's Volcano for a cure for Andrew.
B - Search the beach for the mysterious stranger.
C - Search Aimi's Cave for the hell of it.
Vote now, A, B or C!